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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

444 replies

Keepingheadabovewaterjust · 19/04/2023 08:18

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 09:05

That's the thing @inamarina my parents would never expect me to do any of that stuff 🤷‍♀️

I may choose to do it but that's totally different to having it expected of me.

I genuinely can't imagine ever expecting my parents to help like that - of course I may ask or they may offer, but it wouldn't cause any resentment if they said no.

sarah419 · 20/04/2023 09:31

It really takes a village :(

rubadubdubascrubinahottub · 20/04/2023 10:37

yes my parents will babysit occasionally once kids in bed but it does make me sad they don’t want to come earlier and spend time with them, read them a story etc. It kinda takes away the pleasure and so in a way yes we prefer not to go out at all

Ahhhhh FFS, give me a break. It takes the pleasure away. You just don't want the bother of putting your own kids to bed because they obviously are problematic and you would prefer your parents to deal with it.

I have never read a more selfish and entitled thing in my life on here....we would rather not go out..... give me fucking strength.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 11:24

sarah419 · 20/04/2023 09:31

It really takes a village :(

I do wonder if all the posters saying this would be happy to hand over control to their parents or family on a regular basis though.

I mean, I've seen so many threads where people are complaining because their parents or in-laws have done stuff they disagree with and the consensus is always "if you want to make the rules, you need to pay for childcare".

The idea of having family on your doorstep and the reality of them helping all the time are two very different things!

DanceMonster · 20/04/2023 11:56

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 11:24

I do wonder if all the posters saying this would be happy to hand over control to their parents or family on a regular basis though.

I mean, I've seen so many threads where people are complaining because their parents or in-laws have done stuff they disagree with and the consensus is always "if you want to make the rules, you need to pay for childcare".

The idea of having family on your doorstep and the reality of them helping all the time are two very different things!

Show quote history

My mum is on our doorstep and helps out loads. She is happy to take our lead on how things are done (not that we’re demanding, but general things like not giving too much junk food etc). In laws are abroad but when they come over I’m happy to relinquish control to them too! Not all parents are massive control freaks.

Beccy1990 · 20/04/2023 12:27

Would it be possible for you to take some time off when your children are in school or nursery? Do a day date then or just some time to relax.

Nounoufgs · 20/04/2023 12:37

I remember those days all too well. Not only working full time with lots of kids and doing everything for them with no support but constantly told that I wasn’t doing this, that or the other well enough. My love for my kids carried me through but Ido still hold some bitterness that what should have been blissfully happy times were not. I was literally breaking my back to do everything.

I don’t trust many people these days. This is one of the reasons. You can post on here OP. We understand and sympathise.

SkaterGrrrrl · 20/04/2023 12:49

I empathize. It will get easier when they are in school. Hang in there.

Ilovecheeseanddogs · 20/04/2023 12:50

Ahh I was in the exact same position as this last year, big hugs! It really will get better.

The biggest thing I’ve had to do is never compare to others. That way only lies bitterness!

I’ve also had to find a different way of doing things. A few people have mentioned this as an option and it really worked for me. I’ve paired up with a mum who is also in the same position and we take it in turns doing babysitting for each other. We’ve worked up to a whole night away now which to me is HUGE!

We’ve also done a few date days where we book the day off work and go out once we’ve dropped the kids off at school. A nice walk and a picnic can be as nice as a date night.

The only other thing I can think of to free up some time at night is to maybe do a slow cooker meal in a morning so cooking doesn’t take up as much time at night? Then at least you’ll have a bit longer at night to watch a movie or chat.

Things will get better! : )

iwishiwasonacruise · 20/04/2023 18:00

Similar situation although my kids are teenagers now. Dh's family never offered any help and weren't really interested and then moved away completely, my mum was brilliant but was unfortunately struck down with a neurological disorder that was never properly diagnosed so then she just wasn't able to help any more, even though she wanted to. It is hard, especially when everyone else seems to have people banging their door down with offers of help. It does get easier the older they get. Our kids now come to the pub with us occasionally! Can't really offer much help but just wanted to let you know you're not alone x

Isinglass20 · 20/04/2023 18:10

NB a recent thread about how things changed over time. One was going to someone’s house with the dcs who slept in sleeping bags in another room until time to go home. Don’t recommend the drinking that was a feature in those days.

Insertcreativenamehere · 20/04/2023 18:16

PixiePirate · 19/04/2023 08:35

I can empathise as we were in a very similar boat and it’s exhausting and monotonous. I’m not sure what I’d do differently if I had my time again, except cut myself some slack and put less pressure on myself maybe.

I know it doesn’t help much right now but every year gets easier from here. You’re at the peak! I’m sure you’re also providing a warm and loving home for your children, and that will be the foundation of their whole lives.

This!!
Keep going, it does get easier. You’ll also feel stronger and more resilient in the long run as you’ve done it mostly by yourself. We’ve been in a similar position and I feel really proud of us as a family now (a few years down the line from where you are) xx

Chateau13 · 20/04/2023 18:18

So many people have replied saying it gets easier but there are 1000s on here for whom it won’t get better because their kids are disabled so maybe on a day when you’ve looked on Instagram or FB and seen 5 minutes of someone else’s sh8t think of people worse off.

ginlovingqueen · 20/04/2023 18:21

I know money is tight but find a way to get a sitter

Ask a school friend for help? Say they need to come at 7pm and stay til 10:30pm. That's long enough to have a meal out without kids

Poppingmad123 · 20/04/2023 18:27

We’re in the same boat op. We’ve not had a night anway for 9 years since the first one was born basically. No family support. Stressful jobs. The only good thing is that we do have money for days out, but we have never taken the kids abroad or had that kind of holiday. That’s more of a no time issue though. We also do all housework ourselves, cleaning, DIY etc. I did try to get a cleaner once but the several I tried weren’t great so I prefer my own cleaning and can save that money. It’s like £40 for 2 hours where I live. We also don’t sit down till 9-10pm and go to bed around 12-1am and then back up at 7 to be ready to leave for 8 for the school runs!

The only suggestions I can offer is:

  • you and your partner arrange night out with your own friends once a month. You both need this downtime.
  • you and your partner take a day off work every few months to have a daytime-date whilst the kids are at school.
  • plan evening meals and prep/freeze if you can as that saves cooking times & possibly money too as well as not having to think about what to cook every flipping day!
  • Get organised so that everything needed for the week is ready on Sunday.
  • try a put a little bit of money away each month to do fun stuff.
  • find free stuff to do on weekends with the kids, parks, get exercise etc. which will help you feel good.
  • drink more water.
  • meditate & be grateful you are still alive and have a life ahead of you.

These are at least all the things I try which help me somewhat and help shift the mindset.

Donthavechildren · 20/04/2023 18:29
Sad Baby GIF

Note to self…. Under no circumstances have children

Chatterbuginabox · 20/04/2023 18:30

I feel it op. its hard work.

add in a 2 year old, take away all the support from your oh and on top, my 4yo is ND. you crave holidays, i just want to shower/shit in peace. 🙈

for me, Holidays are something other people do. Maybe i will in 2035 😂

ily0xx · 20/04/2023 18:32

Chateau13 · 20/04/2023 18:18

So many people have replied saying it gets easier but there are 1000s on here for whom it won’t get better because their kids are disabled so maybe on a day when you’ve looked on Instagram or FB and seen 5 minutes of someone else’s sh8t think of people worse off.

That’s like saying you can’t complain about any part of your life because there are starving children in Africa.

ettieb · 20/04/2023 18:32

It's so hard to bring up children with no family support. I was a single mum with no family or husband and it was tough. I so feel for you. You are in a tough time now as your children are little.... but you are getting to the point where your children will get so much easier and you'll get a bit of your life back and give you so much joy. I have no words of wisdom but I understand and feel for you. My son is now 24 and I look back on those hard times and it was so hard but it will get easier

JaneFondue · 20/04/2023 18:33

Donthavechildren · 20/04/2023 18:29

Note to self…. Under no circumstances have children

Or, you know, go out on your own or with friends for the few short years that the kids are young. I don't recognise the miserable version of parenthood. And my parents and inlaws live overseas.

JaneFondue · 20/04/2023 18:34

The miserable version of parenthood on this thread, I meant.

Marshmallowkisses · 20/04/2023 18:36

My boys are now 17 and 16 and are always shut away in their bedrooms. They are hermits, only leave the house for school. We only see them when they have dinner 😂 I miss them so much. It was hard work when they were little. We had no family support either but they were always with us, chatting away, hugging us. Obviously back then I didn't appreciate it but now that we have all this freedom, I yearn to have my babies back.

I completely understand how you feel. I'm sending you virtual hugs. It won't always be like this.xxx

JaneFondue · 20/04/2023 18:40

Marshmallowkisses · 20/04/2023 18:36

My boys are now 17 and 16 and are always shut away in their bedrooms. They are hermits, only leave the house for school. We only see them when they have dinner 😂 I miss them so much. It was hard work when they were little. We had no family support either but they were always with us, chatting away, hugging us. Obviously back then I didn't appreciate it but now that we have all this freedom, I yearn to have my babies back.

I completely understand how you feel. I'm sending you virtual hugs. It won't always be like this.xxx

Same. I wish I could have toddlers half the week and teens the other half! Now I am desperately begging them to spend time with us.

anon666 · 20/04/2023 18:40

I felt like that. It's tough. Looking after two children can be overwhelming even without work or social life.

It will pass but I went on antidepressants because I wasn't able to do any self care.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 18:44

DanceMonster · 20/04/2023 11:56

My mum is on our doorstep and helps out loads. She is happy to take our lead on how things are done (not that we’re demanding, but general things like not giving too much junk food etc). In laws are abroad but when they come over I’m happy to relinquish control to them too! Not all parents are massive control freaks.

Show quote history

Of course not everyone is, but there are lots of people on here who struggle when grandparents help out for an hour or two - I just wonder if they'd really enjoy their children being raised "by a village" when they realise what that would actually entail.