Page 13 | To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

Keepingheadabovewaterjust · 2023-04-19T07:18:44+00:00

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard. my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day. after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down. I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc. I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard. I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

EarringsandLipstick · 19/04/2023 21:18

Are you really saying that only single parents have struggles in life??? Not up to you to make this judgement call...!

Not enough 🙄🙄🙄 for this.

Obviously I'm not.

I commented directly on OP's assertion that she has struggles that are measurable against being a single parent.

She is entitled to moan, feel overwhelmed & tired. Of course. But she does not have 'struggles'. She's a married parent, solvent & with family support. That doesn't represent any kind of struggle beyond ordinary life. And if she just wrote about that, fine - but she actually can't understand why 'no one' in her life is empathetic to her situation! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Springingintosummer · 19/04/2023 21:18

It is hard. No support here from family. Only holidays we have had is staying with family and a night out there once kids in bed. Plus two UK self catering holidays in 13 years.

only difference is we chose not to have any pets due to the costs and needing to exercise them. I would love a dog, but sadly know it would mean even less time and money.

sjxoxo · 19/04/2023 21:21

If I was your friend irl or neighbour and you said this to me, I’d absolutely offer to help you out with whatever- the dog or babysitting now and then. Honestly I don’t think people have much insight into others’ lives.. people are so busy and also everyone ‘lives’ differently if you know what I mean- I expect those around you aren’t really aware of how knackered you are and how desperate you are for a break. Can you tell a kind neighbour or friend? I’m sure someone will be prepared and happy to help you. It’s very hard.. the treadmill of life and it’s very very hard if no support or spare cash to throw at problems. when I’ve had periods where I’ve been working hard and felt like I’ve had no life, I often look back in hindsight and think ‘wow’ that was where the hard work really paid off. We are also up to our eyeballs in mega DIY which is never ending.. xxx

WearyElf · 19/04/2023 21:21

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this? Could you leave your partner in charge one night and go and stay at a childless friend's house for a night to have a break and a change of scene ? Have some 💐x

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 21:24

But, isn’t all that completely normal? I am alone and I do all the dog walking, DIY, life admin, childcare and work. My family live very far away. This is life with kids isn’t it? Others I know have family support, but I don’t know anyone with a cleaner or dog Walker or people to do DIY. I was under h th e impression what you’re talking about OP is just normal life

Ontheperiphery79 · 19/04/2023 21:25

I think it is probably hard, OP, if people in your friendship circle aren't in a similar situation.
I'm a solo parent to ND twins and currently not working due to disability. My parents are dead and no other family. None of my friends or acquaintances have comparable circumstances, so it can be bloody lonely, but I'm used to it.
Please don't refer to being a single parent as a 'blessing' even in relation to having left an abusive relationship, as it really is a twatty thing to say.

Kassalah · 19/04/2023 21:27

It's the hardest job in the world. Do you have any childfree siblings or close friends who would be happy to look after them for a bit?

Kassalah · 19/04/2023 21:29

WearyElf · 19/04/2023 21:21

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this? Could you leave your partner in charge one night and go and stay at a childless friend's house for a night to have a break and a change of scene ? Have some 💐x

That is a great idea.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 19/04/2023 21:33

EarringsandLipstick · 19/04/2023 21:11

I was understanding of your feelings & situation, despite believing you were broadly being unreasonable, until I read this.

It's so disparaging. You do not have a 'struggle'. You are married with support from GPs, and based on your posts, no particular challenges to overcome.

It's insulting to say 'yes single patents have their struggles but so do I'. You don't.

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Yup. I felt a tad sympathetic until we were expecting to go 'oh no poor you, fuck our problems yours are worse!'

And mentioning an abusive marriage as an example then saying that's not the case. Nope.

JoieDeLivres · 19/04/2023 21:35

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 19/04/2023 08:58

the same but coming out the other side

i know it doesn’t feel it, embrace it and go with it. You’ll be a tight little unit who can depend on each other. Mine are teens now and i still marvel at just being able to pop to the shops and leave them at home. It does get easier, it is a phase. So for now, make the most of them wanting to be with you. They will be grown up and gone before you know it. We can be a bit lost now when the teens are both busy, reclaiming a couple is weird compared to people who always been able to have that. We are both aware of it so are working on it. But for you, it will pass and you will move on to the next stage, make the most of the best bits now.

What a lovely, warm, completely human post. As a parent of two under 4: thank you for that perspective on what's to come! ❤ And best wishes to you and DP in reconnecting

allmyliesaretrue · 19/04/2023 21:39

EarringsandLipstick · 19/04/2023 21:18

Are you really saying that only single parents have struggles in life??? Not up to you to make this judgement call...!

Not enough 🙄🙄🙄 for this.

Obviously I'm not.

I commented directly on OP's assertion that she has struggles that are measurable against being a single parent.

She is entitled to moan, feel overwhelmed & tired. Of course. But she does not have 'struggles'. She's a married parent, solvent & with family support. That doesn't represent any kind of struggle beyond ordinary life. And if she just wrote about that, fine - but she actually can't understand why 'no one' in her life is empathetic to her situation! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Come off it - there's not enough 🙄for your comments!!!

It's not a race to the bottom fgs!!! If the OP feels she is struggling in her life, for whatever reason, that's valid! There are many, many reasons why a person might feel that way, mental health struggles included - and it's not up to the likes of you to put her down for how she feels, because you have it worse???!

Vivalaive · 19/04/2023 21:44

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2023 08:29

But it was your decision to have children? Not one, but two. Who did you think was going to do the daily grind and raise them?

It’s not their grandparents who need to step up.

Can not standddddd replies like this.

WearyElf · 19/04/2023 21:44

Kassalah · 19/04/2023 21:29

That is a great idea.

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Shouldn't break the bank either. Lovely friend with Netflix and wine needed.

TellMeTheMewth · 19/04/2023 21:47

EmilyGilmoresSass · 19/04/2023 21:33

Yup. I felt a tad sympathetic until we were expecting to go 'oh no poor you, fuck our problems yours are worse!'

And mentioning an abusive marriage as an example then saying that's not the case. Nope.

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Well, think about it. If you friend came to you in confidence, feeling low, and telling you why, would your first reaction be to tell them that they're wrong to feel upset/low/worried because you're going through an even harder time right now?

I just don't understand the psychology of how being removed from the situation by a screen suddenly makes people act so different.

And if you answer this question by saying yes you would in fact say that to your friend, then you're a shit friend!

polkaday · 19/04/2023 21:50

I'm not sure what exactly you want OP. People to acknowledge that its hard? Why do you care what other people think though?

Perhaps people/I have no idea what you're going through but equally you have no idea what I/others are going through either. For some of us, your situation arguably sounds preferable. I wont go into my hardships though as it wont make a difference (nor do I need acknowledgement from anyone).

All the best though OP. It will hopefully get easier as the years go by.

allmyliesaretrue · 19/04/2023 21:51

Springingintosummer · 19/04/2023 21:18

It is hard. No support here from family. Only holidays we have had is staying with family and a night out there once kids in bed. Plus two UK self catering holidays in 13 years.

only difference is we chose not to have any pets due to the costs and needing to exercise them. I would love a dog, but sadly know it would mean even less time and money.

No question it's hard.

It's such a shame though for your children to grow up without a family pet! We've always had cats. My kids don't remember a lot about the three cats we had when they were young; eldest was just 11 when the last one died. We'd lost all three cats in the space of under a year. I was broken and vowed to never have another cat. One 'found' us very soon after, of course, and we all just adored him. He died a year ago from old age, and I missed him so much that I adopted two more - kids are all adults now, and while we miss our old boy still, the 'new' girls are such fun!

My children are all cat-mad! They love dogs and other animals too but anywhere we go, they will be checking out the local cats!! I think it's such a wonderful thing to bring up animal lovers! Pets bring so much joy to life.

@Springingintosummer - would you consider adopting a rescue cat? They are much easier than dogs, no walking required and they don't mind if you leave them home alone for a few hours a day. An indoor cat is less likely to incur vet fees - less chance of being injured etc. I always feel sad for anyone brought up without a pet (or more). I think if affects the adult they become.

allmyliesaretrue · 19/04/2023 21:53

TellMeTheMewth · 19/04/2023 21:47

Well, think about it. If you friend came to you in confidence, feeling low, and telling you why, would your first reaction be to tell them that they're wrong to feel upset/low/worried because you're going through an even harder time right now?

I just don't understand the psychology of how being removed from the situation by a screen suddenly makes people act so different.

And if you answer this question by saying yes you would in fact say that to your friend, then you're a shit friend!

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^This, 1 million per cent!

TG there are still some sensible people out there in cyberspace!

TellMeTheMewth · 19/04/2023 21:54

OP could have freely chosen not to have kids, and she'd have exactly what her childless friends have

Do you genuinely not hear how ridiculous you are being?

Is your genuine response to the OP being a bit self indulgent and finding parenting 2 young kids exhausting (which everyone with young kids does at some points along the way) "don't have kids".

Alright, we'll just send them back then! Honestly despite you berating the OP for the same thing, your own self absorption and your ability to make absolutely everything she or anyone else says directly about yourself if truly quite mind blowing.

Namechangethisonetime · 19/04/2023 21:56

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 19/04/2023 09:32

Oh just fuck off.

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Totally agree.

Top easy to be bitchy, unsupportive and unnecessarily unkind from a touchscreen.

Everyone needs a break when they’re in the trenches of parenting young children.

DanceMonster · 19/04/2023 21:57

allmyliesaretrue · 19/04/2023 21:51

No question it's hard.

It's such a shame though for your children to grow up without a family pet! We've always had cats. My kids don't remember a lot about the three cats we had when they were young; eldest was just 11 when the last one died. We'd lost all three cats in the space of under a year. I was broken and vowed to never have another cat. One 'found' us very soon after, of course, and we all just adored him. He died a year ago from old age, and I missed him so much that I adopted two more - kids are all adults now, and while we miss our old boy still, the 'new' girls are such fun!

My children are all cat-mad! They love dogs and other animals too but anywhere we go, they will be checking out the local cats!! I think it's such a wonderful thing to bring up animal lovers! Pets bring so much joy to life.

@Springingintosummer - would you consider adopting a rescue cat? They are much easier than dogs, no walking required and they don't mind if you leave them home alone for a few hours a day. An indoor cat is less likely to incur vet fees - less chance of being injured etc. I always feel sad for anyone brought up without a pet (or more). I think if affects the adult they become.

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It’s absolutely fine to grow up without a pet. I doubt you can identify which adults had pets as children and which didn’t. The poster you quoted is being responsible not having an animal that they don’t have the time or finances to care for. And even if they did have the time and finances and just didn’t want a pet, that’s fine too. I say that as someone who grew up with pets, and also had a dog as an adult with young children (he has just died).

SuzeBr · 19/04/2023 22:15

Similar situation here. My daughters are now 10 and 13 and it is a bit easier. However, it can be a relentless task doing everything. I’d try and add in a few things you can do that make you feel good. Even a walk in the evening alone. I’m sure you must have a friend who’d be willing to babysit, you could offer to them too.

I was 15 which I first babysat and managed to get 2 young girls to sleep so I think your parents are making a bigger deal than it is.

2userspast3 · 19/04/2023 22:19

I was a single parent with no support. You have a husband. I don't understand why you don't just take it in turns to go out - meet up with a friend, or just go somewhere by yourself. You're not joined at the hip.

2userspast3 · 19/04/2023 22:21

And your parents have offered to babysit - another dream!
Seriously OP - they're are some big positives here. I remember that once and once only a friend babysat for me. So I could go out on my own. That was a big night!

Namechangethisonetime · 19/04/2023 22:23

Nuevabegin · 19/04/2023 09:21

I have 3 dcs op and I’ve been a parent for 12 years , my dh and I have absolutely zero help , zero and childcare in my country is v v thin on the ground . Also culturally where I live families help each other out loads so it’s v v unusual to not have family support. Posters will be along to tell you to set up your own support network but in my case we have loads of friends but they all have help so it would be extremely odd to ask my friends to have my dcs , like unheard of as they don’t need reciprocal help whatsoever. We were younger than a lot of our friends having dcs and our friends with small babies have had more help in a day than we have had in 12 years. We are constantly invited to childfree events and either one of us goes or we don’t go. My parents are older now so couldn’t look after our children anyway but even younger wouldn’t have , I mean not even for 5 mins , my in-laws have mental health issues and actually cause work . My mil expected to be waited on a few days after I had each baby 😂 so yeah…. Zero support.
My dh and I are a real team though and we swap over all the time . I do find it sad that ppl can’t put themselves out or offer help but it is what it is. I hope if I’m in good health I can help my dcs when they have children, not set childcare but certainly if I saw them with their eyes hanging out of their heads with exhaustion I would at least offer. I’ve been there with tiny dcs , 3 under 5 and all sick , up countless times a night, dh working away etc and no support but lots of “get well soon “ messages 😂
I definitely think it’s made is stronger , of course it’s been tough. I mean most of our friends have also had financial support , we’ve had none either . We’ve done everything ourselves and I’m v v proud of that even if it has been a struggle.
There’s no point being jealous of others and sometimes it’s good just to tell ppl who don’t get it . I’ve now said to our friends who invite us to thing without the kids “we can’t go , we don’t have any help from family , we can’t leave out children with a teenager for a weekend yanno…”
Look at what you have achieved and of course there’s always ppl worse off. You will come out of this stronger . I helped my sister in laws when they had babies and small dcs and I’m happy I did that as I think it’s a good thing to do . I don’t get those who don’t offer but I accept that they didn’t and won’t , such is life!

My goodness…. Did I write this under another name?!

Uncanny

I hear you! But I’m also too exhausted with my 3 dc to type such a paragraph. 13hrs solo childcare has absolutely shattered me this day…

Notamum12345577 · 19/04/2023 22:33

I don’t agree that you shouldn’t expect grandparents to help. Ok, if they don’t want them for a weekend or overnight at their house, that’s fair enough. But coming round early evening to put them to bed and babysit? I think that should be expected on occasion, the same way anyone would expect someone who loves them to help them out if they needed help. I’m sure all Grandparents ask their children for help at times for other things.