To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

Why should they help out?

I get it because I went through the same with my kids. No family support. No friends because we moved away from family and friends when they were tiny from the south east to the midlands. Husband worked away a lot. When not working away he was out from 6am to 7pm usually. Every day. So yes. I get that you’re driven mad by the relentless slog of the day to day grind. Most days I felt like getting on the first bus out of town!!! You get to the point where you just think that you can’t do it any more. And then slowly things start to change. One of the little ones starts at nursery so you have an hour or two to yourself. When I say to yourself I know that you’re using the time to catch up on chores and everything that you’ve let go but at least you’re doing it without a child clinging into your leg!!! And then they start school and things change again and you get into a routine with that. And you meet other parents and have play dates so you slowly form friendships with other people and life becomes better and more bearable once again. Still hard of course but there’s one or two glimmers of hope on the horizon.

This was how it was for me and I hope that you will very gradually get there too. It’s the hardest thing that I will ever do in my life but the most rewarding and I obviously love my 2 to bits. They have been and still are, my whole world. I’m glad I was able to give them my time and attention while growing up and I know it was the best thing for their development to have mum there for them all the time.

To someone who never got the chance to have kids despite desperately wanting them, OP's rant is as galling as my travel rants would be to most of you.

@CinnamonTeabags this comments fiy makes it clear why you are so apoplectic about this thread. I'm sorry for your situation but many of your comments are really unkind of just plain silly. There's just no need for it, don't take your issues out on the OP. Why were you even reading this thread when it's not remotely relevant to you? It seem as though you were scouting for a comment to fixate on to get angry about.

I find most parents just seem to need to invalidate your problems, whatever they might be, because they're convinced they have it so much worse.

As you say, what you are supposed to say when they whinge and vent? If you say "yeah, it sounds awful, glad I didn't have kids" you look mean and insensitive. If you tell them to appreciate what they have, you don't understand what they're going through. There's no right answer. I very much suspect that a great many of them deeply regret their choice but don't want to admit it to others or themselves. I've had a handful come out and say it directly, but the barbed comments about lie ins and holidays and being very obviously jealous of my life give the rest away.

Goodness. Some serious mental gymnastics here and a large dose of bitterness. I feel very sorry for your friends.

People talking about their problems isn't invalidating your problems. That is what friends do: share their problems, support each other.

You can say "that sounds awful" without adding "glad I didn't have kids". What a false dichotomy you've set up. People being envious of your lie ins doesn't mean they regret having children! Most people are capable of understanding that all things have drawbacks and benefits and people are allowed to acknowledge the sacrifices they've made and discuss the things they miss about their lives pre-children without that meaning that they wish they hadn't had them.

You seem to have some very confused thinking. Usually, if I friend is struggling or needs to vent other friends listen, empathise and ask if there's anything they could do to help. That is a normal reaction. Have you ever tried that?

So I started inviting round other nice local families that I'd met through school etc, bring the kids, kids have tea first at say 5 or 530, go off and play or watch a film, then we all eat, have a glass of wine, did this most weekends for years, no babysitters needed, it worked quite well. It is hard!

We had a babysitting circle in our few streets and paid each other in metal buttons - I think they were a seamstress item to weight curtains and each family taking part was given a certain number of buttons, so we had currency of a sort. Made it obvious if someone was abusing the system as they’d run out of ‘buttons’ and have to do some babysitting to earn them back! Great system. In the days of WhatsApp this should be easy. Do you have a WhatsApp group for your street/neighbourhood/local school?

It is exhausting. Similar situation here. Me and a good friend take it in turns to babysit so we can have a date night , it's free, our kids no eachother and are comfortable with eachother , we are close enough to just say no if the date doesn't suit etc

This was my thought. It’s all possible if you share the load. We have no family support but still manage all of the things that you list.

Also, why is it so late in the evening by the time you get to sit down? At that age your kids should be in bed for 7.

Well, why not?
Why should adult children help their elderly parents? Why should people care if their friend is going through a difficult time? Why should anyone help anyone ever?
I mean we could all just focus on ourselves (and perhaps our nuclear family if we have one) and ignore everyone else. Not a society I would like to live in, but you might disagree 🤷‍♀️

Do people really think grandparents should be expected to do childcare? 😳

I can't imagine thinking this way. If they want to help and are able to do so - fantastic, but I can't imagine expecting my parents to help look after my own children.

But I grew up with grandparents who lived abroad so my parents never had any family support or help. I had babysitters or they went out separately.

@Namechangethisonetime haha, I’d love to meet “another me” ! I actually love being a parent and it’s something that I thrive on but I’ve often been isolated and very alone. But no one has to help I guess or even spend time with us 😂
It’s definitely easier now they are older but not childcare wise, im in Ireland and school finishes very early , everyone has family support, extremely unusual not to have some even when they live further away. I find now working more (I worked a lot less when they were small) it’s v tricky to manage , long holidays here, plenty of half days etc etc . The lack of back up has been hard through the years , my babies and toddlers have been to dental appointments with me in buggies etc lols!!

There's thousands of people in the exact same position. You don't need understanding or sympathy, what is that going to get you?? You've actually got more than alot out there and should be more approviative of what you have got in your family. I, like many am a single and lone parent with no support. People can't help the direction of their lives, no amount of tea and sympathy is going to change things. Parenting is hard for the majority of people, even those that do have support, you need to understand your not the minority.

Your comments are contradictory! So basically what your saying is, you just want everyone listen to you moan about how bad you have it and say awww poor you...that's a very self absorbed mentality, it's what young children demand.

Very similar here - my in laws are in Canada, my parents are 4 hours drive away. We've had one night away in 8 years, maybe twice had an evening babysitter. Plus my husband has been studying for 6 out of the 8 years, so pretty much every weekend and holiday he's studying. It sucks.

If the OP feels she is struggling in her life, for whatever reason, that's valid!

Do try to read ...

Sure, feeling her life is a struggle is valid. Comparing it to single parenthood or having no support, when she does is not. Neither is looking for 'empathy & understanding' from others, when she is simply being a parent, with support.

Wanting to vent about finding being a parent tough is fine. Suggesting it's unfair that there isn't an abundance of empathetic responses from her friends because she's to put her own DC to bed and walk her own dog is madness.

I agree. Most people will provide sympathy. But then they also might offer suggestions of how to make things better. Or how it may be helpful to focus on the positives. Or in the end, sympathy may not run out but the other person may also get bored with listening to the constant complaints.

People seem to confuse being validated with not being challenged on anything ever, and getting upset when other people are pissed off with providing validation and sympathy as it doesn't seem to really help in any way other than in the short term making the complainer feel they're justified in feeling hard done by.

And further the actual thread title is 'AIBU to be upset that people don't understand what I'm going through?'

So it's not OP wanting to post about finding parenting hard (understandable). Her AIBU is whether people should understand 'what she's going through'. She's not 'going through' anything other than standard parenting. Which is hard but not exceptional.

Well said.

And, I think more importantly for the purposes of the thread, she can see she’s not some anomaly, which she clearly feels she is on the basis of her own circle.

Absolutely fine to vent, and her feelings are her feelings, but if part of this struggle is based on the entirely false premise that she’s alone in not having free grandparental childcare, night babysitting on tap, plenty of money for treats and holidays, and to pay for DIY and dog walking, then surely it helps to know that she’s not alone, that this is the majority of people’s experience?

I'm not trying to be goady at all op but not having a minute between 6.30am~9.30pm sounds tough, I get why others think you are whining, everyone has issues and may not necessarily sympathise with you as they, like you, feel their issues are worse than others.

Would you be able to post what your day looks like and we may be able to offer solutions where you could manage to fit in time for yourself, even going out a 30 min walk, this wouldn't cost anything.
Also do you work out of the home? The reason I ask is when Mike were young I used to really enjoy my lunch hour at work as it was relatively peaceful, could you use that time to do something for yourself.

On occasion, yes, I would expect it. In the same way as I would help my parents with paperwork, shopping or whatever.
Of course they can say no, but I would be disappointed if they never wanted to help out. In the same way as my parents would be disappointed if I refused to ever help them.
I wouldn’t expect regular childcare instead of nursery for example or over night/ weekend stays, but an occasional evening or a couple of hours during the day? Yes. But as I said, of course I would also help my parents if they needed it.

I'm another poster who doesn't understand why your evenings are so busy that you 'never get a chance to sit down'. Surely if you are all out of the house all day there can't be that much housework... are you are martyr to laundry, cooking from scratch, baking your own bread, growing veg, deep cleaning every evening etc? Lower your standards. Although judging from the thread on 'how much loads of washing do people do a week' it's clear that some people see being busy as a competition.

OP is describing her parents as 'crap' because they're offering to babysit and do, but want the kids to be in bed first.

Which OP thinks isn't good enough because she doesn't want to get ready and go out after that. Though she has at times as one of her complaints is she and DH don't get nights out unless they put their kids to bed first.

It's not that she doesn't have offers of help, it's just that it doesn't meet her wants.

This is why when there are people on here wanting DC in their teens/early twenties I say don't, and frequently get shot down. As rewarding and lovely being a parent can be, having young children is a thankless slog. One that is made so much better having had the time of your life doing whatever you want, whenever you want in your youth.
We used to go out all the time, constantly out for dinner, theatre, music, book a flight and go for the weekend etc. We don't now we have DC. We do still get out sometimes but half a dozen times a year maybe and we are lucky to be able to do that. I don't feel as resentful because we had nine years together before DC and it was wonderful.

We also put DC to bed before going out of grandparents are babysitting, but it's lights out at seven and we go, why do you have to wait until they are fully asleep?