Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

A friend of our always claimed he was allergic to our dog, this was highly unlikely as she is double coated and her fur is more like wool.
Last year his adult dd got a dog who is a wiry breed so much more likely to cause an allergy, friend is always posting photos of him and the dog.
It's not just about your dog op, it's control and this is only the beginning imo.

It would be over my dead body I’d rehome my dog. There’s lots of things you can for dog allergies, has she tried any? Doubt it as sounds like she wants the dog gone. Sorry but my relationship would be over

I wouldn't be rehoming an animal for a relationship of less than a year, or any relationship tbh. Not a chance. She sounds very demanding, if she loves you, she would understand it will take you time to rehome your dog and wouldn't be putting pressure on you.

No way I’d give up my dog for anyone.

anyway you can explore different treatments. And sometimes further exposure leads to the allergy fading.

I have dander allergies, so allergic to horses,cats,dogs. I also have severe asthma. However I grew up with a specific breed of dog which didn’t cause allergies, and they were only allowed in certain rooms of the house, and not on soft furnishings.

My partner also used to have two dogs which he owned when I first met him. Two long haired dogs. I never would have asked him to get rid of these (even though I was allergic/didn’t like them, they were very badly trained and naughty when I first met him).

However when I moved in we did a number of things to mitigate the issue. Dogs were not allowed in bedrooms. He retrained them to stay off soft furnishings. He bought a bed with a removable cover which was shaken outside and washed twice a month. The dogs never went in my car, and his car was taken to be cleaned regularly. The inside of the washing machine was wiped out regularly and any doggy laundry was washed at a laundrette.
Every Sunday the house was hoovered pretty thoroughly.

I didn’t have anything to do with the dog, like walking them, patting them etc. (I was friendly but hands off). I also started taking a daily prescription allergy spray and oral antihistamines, and upped the dose of my preventers inhalers with dr’s oversight. I feel like a trial of something like this should be done before getting rid of the dog.

When I was pregnant I couldn’t take antihistamines, but they’d passed away by that point.

Your partner is frustrated at the lack of progress, and you’ve only been dating a year?

Red flag!

I am allergic to cats, we had a cat for dd. After a few months my allergy to our cat was minimal. I'm still allergic to other people's cats.
We had strict rules in place, the cat was not allowed upstairs, the cats bed was in the utility room ( she preferred this because it was on the work surface next to a window so she had a good garden view) and she was in our living space only if we were in there.

this was highly unlikely as she is double coated and her fur is more like wool.

ffs, this again.
it's not just the fur people are allergic to. it's also the dander and saliva. both of which are very potent allergens.

a lick from a dog has me blue lighted to hospital with anaphylaxis.

different dogs or types of dogs - different allergic reactions.

Big fed flags here op. You haven't been together for a huge amount of time and she sounds unwilling to try anything else. I don't think this is just about the dog.

Please do don’t give away your dog for a girlfriend. Your poor dog.

My cousins partner was allergic to cats and she had 2. The partner took antihistamines and they had air purifiers. This seemed to work.
Which was a relief to my cousin that she didn't rehome the cats instead, when the relationship broke down.

I would not rehome my dog. When you get a dog you make a life commitment and what really, really bothers me about your post is her attitude towards your dog. She seems to be pressuring you to do it quickly, appears to have no emotional empathy for how hard this is for you- its all about her isnt it? Even using tears to get what she wants quickly. You've been together a year. Thats not long at all and already you are changing major aspects of your life for this person. Dont think it will end here. I predict that once she moves in the goal posts will be constantly changing with regards to what she wants and then she'll cry when she doesnt get it.

I'm sorry but I get a really bad feeling about her from what you describe.

Sorry but you must have a really shitty marriage if you'd put your pets above your husband. That's not normal.

Mm i agree, when you find out by test the reaction to allergen is often so small that person has not had an allergic attack in real life but it can show up as an allergen on skin or blood test.

i got a relative whos allergic to cats,the kind where her face and theoat swell up being in the same room as a cat and need an ambulance and adrenaline injection.

@CanineConundrum my partner is allergic to cats. I had a three year old cat when we got together. We tried everything that previous posters have suggested. Hepa filters. Special sprays that eliminate dander. Special laundry liquid for allergies. Air filters in every room. Antihistamines. Professional groomers and then clipping her fur. The result was that his asthma got so bad that he was going through a blue inhaler every month, ended up on steroids, which he’s still on. Doctors told him to get rid of the cat at every appointment (he didn’t tell me as he knew it would make me sad. Now we have a child who is also seriously allergic, the cat lives in one room which only I go in. She gets access to outside, but she’s too old to rehome (I’ve tried!! She’s a pedigree too and gone through all the cattery clubs etc) and I wish I had done it back at the beginning. It would have been kinder to her.

If her symptoms are "quite bad" (your words), how come she didn't know she was allergic to dogs? Has she really never come into contact with a dog before to discover this?

To your dog, after 4 years, you are his person. Yes, you can visit him at a family member's house, but every time he'll get excited, thinking you're there to take him home. He will wonder why you're abandoning him time after time.

Someone had a thread yesterday asking MN if they'd give up their pet if someone came to the door with £1 million. I said no to that, and I wouldn't give them up for a new partner either.

She should be more open to finding a way to live with the dog. If someone was demanding I get rid of my dog so that they could move in, no compromise, I'd be questioning the relationship.

Gosh, sorry, you obviously have a very severe allergy.
Would op's gf not know if her allergy was this severe?

She needs to try taking anti histamine. F*cked if I'd ditch a pet for a new partner. One of my closest friends has always had cats and is allergic - she just takes an antihistamine every day.

You really lack empathy! I feel so sorry for the OP, who is just trying to do their best for all involved in a very difficult situation. You are only considering the situation from the dog's perspective.

Rehome the girlfriend 😂

I’m not sure if she’d be happy/willing to wait another 6 months after we agreed June

This is a red flag right here. So, she'll dump you if you dont do it quickly? is that what you mean? You are the love of her life but she's not even willing to wait a few more months? HUGE red flag.

Is your partner being understanding of how difficult this all is for you? It sounds like she is piling on the pressure which is making it even harder.

Giving up your dog is a big deal. Your dog has been your companion for 4 years. If your girlfriend isn't symptathetic to your struggles here, is she really the one you want to be with?

On the other hand, if you have told her that you are going to do it, what is causing you to delay for so long - is it that you don't really want to?

You know that your dog and your gf are incompatible - thats a really difficult situation, but ultimately you know that you have two choices - keep the dog and not move in with your GF, or rehome the dog.

You have a lovely option to rehome your dog with family and still be able to see him. Why are you putting this off?

Perhaps deep down you don't really want to move in with your GF and want to keep the dog?

If so, you need to make that decision and tell her that you are not ready. It might risk your relationship, but that's just how it is.

You really need to take some action either way - the delaying and putting off is just making it all more difficult. Make your decision, take a deep breath and just do something.

This is a common misconception about allergies. You can't always just take an antihistamine to prevent them - sometimes the allergy is too severe.

Your friend is lucky that this works for her, it doesn't work for everyone.

I have allergies and would not be able to have a dog even if I took an antihistamine daily.

You can be treated for allergies and desensitised, my dust allergies 20 years ago were bad and I’m fine now. Probably can for dogs too, why don’t you get her to ask her dr about it?