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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 19/04/2023 07:06

@AlexisR its really clear that people on here have never tried to manage a severe allergy.

I bet they wouldn’t tell someone with a nut allergy that they just need to take a daily antihistamine and crack on.

dottiedodah · 19/04/2023 07:07

Frankly I think this RL is doomed if Im honest.I always say there are 2 kinds of people ,Doggy folk and everyone else! You would be making a big mistake .I think it would be almost worse than giving him to a stranger.You would also upset him as he would be confused seeing you and you going away again.I am sorry to say I dont think you are each others "only". You need common interests and may come to resent her.Also many DC love dogs and if you had a child you would be denying them a precious gift.

Dibblydoodahdah · 19/04/2023 07:07

I have a severe allergy to dogs (and some other animals - horses are the worst for me). I wouldn’t be a be able to live with a dog even taking antihistamines daily, upping my inhalers etc. I would have an asthma attack and end up in hospital. It’s happened to me on several occasions after relatively short exposure to dogs (and horses). My DH’s friend said that he thought people made dog allergies up until I became ill in front of him after exposure to his dogs.

ChrisPPancake · 19/04/2023 07:07

Does your partner try to control other aspects of your life as well?

HAF1119 · 19/04/2023 07:07

I would do two things

Bite the bullet and speak to your family and friends, - let them know you've discovered she's allergic and are looking into options.

Discuss with her trying tablets and a gradual visiting to test if she takes tablets how she then reacts, it may improve, it would be good to know if she's willing to try so you don't need to give up your dog? And let her know you've started discussing with family for if it doesn't work

Then both your family and she will know you're trying both options?

Doing nothing and saying to her you will rehome whilst taking no steps to possibly resolve to keep with her, or to rehome, isn't honest or a fair option

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:08

Followthebouncingball · 19/04/2023 07:06

You can be treated for allergies and desensitised, my dust allergies 20 years ago were bad and I’m fine now. Probably can for dogs too, why don’t you get her to ask her dr about it?

They will only treat you for things like severe nut allergy or very severe hayfever that means you can't go outside and severaly impact your life/ put you at risk of dying or a severe attack.

They wouldn't treat you on the NHS for a normal pet allergy, because the solution is to not have animals in your home.

You might be able to get it privately but it would cost an absolute fortune.

Nimbostratus100 · 19/04/2023 07:08

I would say she should go ahead and buy her own place for now, and you spend part of the week there with her. She keeps it dust free, you keep your home as you like it, and keep the dog.

Do not rehome your dog.

It isn't even a vagally reasonable request on her part

JackiePlace · 19/04/2023 07:11

I’m not sure if she’d be happy/willing to wait another 6 months

Yet you are planning the rest of your life with this woman?

Don't give up your dog for anybody.

Squamata · 19/04/2023 07:11

She's the love of your life and you'll be together forever but she'll dump you if you take too long to get rid of your dog and let her move in?

You've been together for less than a year. I'd give it longer before you make such a big decision to re-home your dog.

Mirabai · 19/04/2023 07:12

The reason you’re not getting on with rehoming the dog is that, unconsciously you know it’s a bad idea and this relationship isn’t going to work. That you will rehome the dog then you will end up rehoming the gf too.

Don’t have kids with someone with OCD (all the OCD posters will object to this) but seriously - mental health disorders can spiral with major stressors like having kids, OCD can cause major anxiety, and is difficult both to treat and live with. It really, really affects the kids.

If you live with dogs and dust then find someone else who’s happy to live with dogs and dust.

All of the “plans” you have with this woman are mental ideas, fantasies with no real basis in reality.

ChienChatCheval · 19/04/2023 07:12

Littlegoth · 19/04/2023 07:06

@AlexisR its really clear that people on here have never tried to manage a severe allergy.

I bet they wouldn’t tell someone with a nut allergy that they just need to take a daily antihistamine and crack on.

If it was a nut allergy, OP could go nut free, without impacting an animal that depends on him, that he chose to have.

I would do that for a partner, even a new partner but to get rid of your dog to live with a partner you haven’t been with long, no chance.

MzHz · 19/04/2023 07:13

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:23

I’m not sure if she’d be happy/willing to wait another 6 months after we agreed June. She’s already frustrated by the lack of progress. Her allergies are quite bad so managing the symptoms isn’t a possibility as I think the irritant would need to be completely removed unfortunately. She works from home so being around the dog constantly is a lot to ask when it causes an allergic reaction

@CanineConundrum wheres the fire? Why is she rushing you to move in after such a short space of time - especially as there’s a real deal breaker with the allergy

im worried that she’s not who she says she is and given her insistence that you rehome your dog I have alarm bells ringing and red flags waving

you have a dog. You care for the dog and the dog loves you. Nobody decent would insist you get rid of a pet.

Thesehills · 19/04/2023 07:14

Toocooltoboogie · 19/04/2023 04:19

Honestly....I would find this so hard. I really feel for you. I suppose if he went to a family friend and you knew he was OK then that would be some consolation but that would be the only way I could do it. Do you think if you have to rehome him it could lead to some resentment down the line? It's early days really - could you wait another 6 months and then see how it's going?

This is how I feel too.

Such early days. You're in the very first stages of your relationship.

Anything can change.

Take your time, if you know that you want to be together forever, then great. But I really wouldn't start to think of rehoming my dog just yet.

Is she really allergic to dogs or just doesn't want a dog?

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:15

ChienChatCheval · 19/04/2023 07:12

If it was a nut allergy, OP could go nut free, without impacting an animal that depends on him, that he chose to have.

I would do that for a partner, even a new partner but to get rid of your dog to live with a partner you haven’t been with long, no chance.

Show quote history

Do you have allergies? I do, and I know that I would never be OK living with a dog. I wouldn't expect a new partner to get rid of a dog for me, but I also wouldn't agree to trying any kind of exposure therapy/ taking antihistamines etc., because I know it wouldn't work and would make me unwell.

It should be OP's choice if they want to rehome the dog and GF shouldn't be putting any pressure on. But equally, GF shouldn't be pressured to be around a dog that she is allergic to in case it cures her allergies - chances are it won't.

Either they should decide to live separately or rehome the dog if that is what OP decides (and only if!)

Either way, OP needs to make a decision and take some action.

lightisnotwhite · 19/04/2023 07:16

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 05:05

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are.

These things are, not wanting to. The dog is giving you breathing space. You aren't sure. Press pause. Think about it.

This.

Also your dog was supposed to be forever. Your GF should outlive the animal by many decades. There’s no rush for her to move in. If she gets cross and dumps you well that’s not each other’s forever person is it.

Thesehills · 19/04/2023 07:16

ah just seen above that her allergies are quite bad....it's very soon to be giving up a dog for a person who may not be around in a year or so

Take your time, it must be really tricky for you

mydogisthebest · 19/04/2023 07:16

No way would I get rid of my dog. You are just not suited. If you stay together it means you can never have another dog. Find another dog lover

MzHz · 19/04/2023 07:17

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 05:14

I love my dog dearly but it is in no way comparable to a child. And he would never end up in a shelter as my family wouldn’t let that happen. I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. I love my partner and want this to work

It’s not going to work. Sorry but it’s not

don’t rehome the dog, tell her to look at getting her own place that’s free of dog fur etc and you’ll see where things go

Invadersmustdie · 19/04/2023 07:17

Can you not just be honest with her and tell her you are struggling to let go of your dog? Surely she will understand, it's a living creature you have cared for for 4 years! She has a heart yes? If you can't be honest then think about why, it isn't good.

StoppinBy · 19/04/2023 07:18

A partner of less than a year? No way I'd see rehousing the dog as an option at that stage.

You'll likely be broken up in 2 years time and kicking yourself for letting your dog go.

Can she take allergy medication in the short term.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 19/04/2023 07:21

She sounds like she is putting a lot of pressure on you and I'm not surprised your instincts are to do nothing.

Your instincts are telling you not to rehome the dog, listen to them.

To me it sounds like she has absolutely no clue what she is asking of you and views the dog as entirely disposable. I couldn't be with someone like this.

mudonmyslipers · 19/04/2023 07:22

OP, bear in mind that it's not just rehoming your dog but also having a huge spring clean too, to get rid of dog hair, dust and anything else that your pet has left behind. If your house is dusty (as you say), this will be a bigger job than you realise.

Truth be told, perhaps you're procrastinating because deep down, you don't really want this? Or maybe just not yet?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 19/04/2023 07:23

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:12

So my partner lives with a family member so no lease to break but I understand it’s still a risk for her. I’ve had the dog for 4 years and been with my partner for just under a year.

You're seriously rehoming a pet that you've had for four years for someone you've known under one, who appears rude, uncaring and controlling by constantly getting on your case about doing something that's really going to upset you?

I'd keep the animal and get rid of her personally. I've had food in my fridge longer than you've been in that relationship.

SomebodysMum · 19/04/2023 07:23

I would be massively frustrated if I was your girlfriend. You agreed to do something that will benefit her health, you haven’t done it, and you haven’t told her why. What’s she’s supposed to think? Who wouldn’t be frustrated by that?

I agree with other posters that you shouldn’t have agreed to rehome your dog. But you did agree. So you either do what you agreed or better, fucking tell her why so she can decide what to do.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 19/04/2023 07:23

Just came on to say that only you can decide but "just taking allergy medicine" from other posters is not helpful.
I have a chronic cat allergy. There is no medicine that would let me live with one. I take anti histamines to help me deal with my reactions to cat hair on other peoples clothes for example. If I am in a room with one for a few minutes, I have a heaving chest, eyes watering to the point I can't see, hives etc.
You sound thoughtful and sensible. I hope you find the right solution

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