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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
LoveSong · 19/04/2023 04:38

You sound like an irresponsible owner. You see your dog as disposable because a woman has been on the scene for 5 minutes. Horrible, horrible horrible.

Poor dog, but dogs are better with humans who love them and don’t see them as disposable.

I think you and this unfeeling woman are well suited.

Original poster
CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:39

No she’s allergic and doesn’t want to live with a dog as she struggles to breathe. It all came to a head last week when she was wheezing. Because of that particularly bad episode she wants me to be more proactive. the test was done for my benefit so I knew for definite as I was hoping she wasn’t allergic even though it was pretty obvious she was

OP posts:
penmanship · 19/04/2023 04:39

DH had a cat when I first met him, which I was allergic to. I took tablets and he made the effort to clean up before I came round. Over time, I found that my allergy seemed to just go away and we've now lived together for 11 years (and said cat is 15!). One thing though, I would NEVER have expected DH to give his cat away (he rescued him as a stray kitten). I always felt it was my responsibility to deal with my allergy rather than expecting someone to give up their beloved pet.

whoactuallyreallycares · 19/04/2023 04:42

I would not rehome my dog for someone I’ve been with for less than a year. Also, you do not truly know someone until you’ve lived with them - imagine if you end up realising you’re not each others ‘person’ and you’ve rehomed your poor dog & put it through stress.

Toocooltoboogie · 19/04/2023 04:43

Do you think you and yoyr partner should try some steps first Op instead of rehoming? You've been given some ideas. What do you think the answer is?

pasturesgreen · 19/04/2023 04:45

We both know we are each others person for life and I also realise we could potentially not go the distance once she moves in don't really go well together, OP.

Rehoming a pet is a major decision, and I can see a few red flags here already. You've been together less than a year: hold your horses.

TempleHill · 19/04/2023 04:45

LoveSong · 19/04/2023 04:32

Very sus.

More about her OCD I think. I think you’ll be changing a lot to suit this woman, once the dogs gone, it’ll be something else. You’re being naive.

Show quote history

I am with you on this. The OCD part will not change.

DH has mild OCD, a clean freak with allergies worse than OP's gf. DH knows full well that he would be the one to go if he wants me to choose between the pets and him. OP's GF is a nightmare waiting to happen. Pets are for life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2023 04:46

Please do not rehome your dog. There are ways to live with a dog and allergies as a few people on here have mentioned. If she truly truly loved you that much she would not be expecting you to do this for her. She would be taking antihistamines, visiting the doctor, paying for a private appointment if it helps to speed up the process. She doesn’t sound very mature and the fact that you are dragging your feet with rehoming is your subconscious yelling at you that this is very wrong.

Milksheikha · 19/04/2023 04:51

Poor dog.

Original poster
CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:53

@Toocooltoboogie i will mention other steps to her. My concern is it will look like I’m going back on my word.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 19/04/2023 04:54

Break up with her or don’t move in together. I would never sacrifice one of my pets for a human.

Toocooltoboogie · 19/04/2023 05:00

It's worth a try. Rehoming a dog you love is huge! She should understand your reluctance and not hold it against you. Ideally you would want a long term partner that is willing to compromise and at least give some possible solutions a go.

Catsmere · 19/04/2023 05:01

Hit post too soon. Relationships come and go. The love of pets doesn’t. Anyone who wants an animal rehomed so they can move in is not partner material imo. I would never sacrifice my pets for any human, and would immediately dump one who even suggested such a thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 05:05

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are.

These things are, not wanting to. The dog is giving you breathing space. You aren't sure. Press pause. Think about it.

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 05:06

Would you rehome a child for a new partner?

Dogs are family. Rehoming your dog for a woman you"ve known five minutes is just awful.

If I met someone and they were allergic to my pets their would be zero chance of my animals being shipped off to suit them.

She sounds cold and uncaring and you sound like a doormat!

ClaireEclair · 19/04/2023 05:07

I would never rehome a pet for a partner. Ever. Sorry if that’s not helpful but pets are family. And I know that even thought we adopted our old after meeting each other and I suggested we rehome her, my DH would have told me to leave instead 😂

She’s being unreasonable and if you rehome your dog you might end up resenting your partner.

Catsmere · 19/04/2023 05:07

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 05:06

Would you rehome a child for a new partner?

Dogs are family. Rehoming your dog for a woman you"ve known five minutes is just awful.

If I met someone and they were allergic to my pets their would be zero chance of my animals being shipped off to suit them.

She sounds cold and uncaring and you sound like a doormat!

This! This exactly!

ClaireEclair · 19/04/2023 05:07

ClaireEclair · 19/04/2023 05:07

I would never rehome a pet for a partner. Ever. Sorry if that’s not helpful but pets are family. And I know that even thought we adopted our old after meeting each other and I suggested we rehome her, my DH would have told me to leave instead 😂

She’s being unreasonable and if you rehome your dog you might end up resenting your partner.

Our old cat that should say!

NotAnotherPylon · 19/04/2023 05:10

Would you rehome a child for a new partner?

And there it is ...

As soon as I saw 'fur baby' upthread I knew it was only a matter of time.

Catsmere · 19/04/2023 05:10

ClaireEclair · 19/04/2023 05:07

I would never rehome a pet for a partner. Ever. Sorry if that’s not helpful but pets are family. And I know that even thought we adopted our old after meeting each other and I suggested we rehome her, my DH would have told me to leave instead 😂

She’s being unreasonable and if you rehome your dog you might end up resenting your partner.

Yes, and the dog might end up dead or in a shelter if the new owners don’t care for it properly.

Original poster
CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 05:14

I love my dog dearly but it is in no way comparable to a child. And he would never end up in a shelter as my family wouldn’t let that happen. I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. I love my partner and want this to work

OP posts:
LoveSong · 19/04/2023 05:23

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 05:14

I love my dog dearly but it is in no way comparable to a child. And he would never end up in a shelter as my family wouldn’t let that happen. I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. I love my partner and want this to work

They’d never rehome your dog to a shelter? Your family probably thought you wouldn’t rehome your dog. They’ll justify it if they want to, just like you have.

Let’s hope your family don’t get a new partners who don’t like dog hair, are allergic or have OCD eh.

palelavender · 19/04/2023 05:29

If you were five years into a relationship and/or had children, well obviously you'd have to rehome the dog. But you've known this woman for less than a year. You are going to have to get rid of your dog and clean your house a lot to have a relationship with this woman. You say you can't break up with her but I think you absolutely should. I think the fact that you're dragging your heels suggests that really you're not all in on this relationship.

It's pretty obvious that you can't muck around when somebody is having breathing difficulties round your dog and, as a person with a lot of allergies, I haven't found the cure. Antihistamines made me permanently drowsy when I tried taking them. Actually, medically speaking, and apart from specialist desensitising treatment which may be different, each time an allergic person, an allergic person and not somebody who is just sensitive to something, is exposed to a true allergen the allergic reaction is worse. So for instance, I am sensitive to soap and can't use it on my face but I happily use it on my hands and so on so I am not truly allergic. On the other hand, I have eye allergies - true allergies - and it can take my eyes weeks to calm down if somehow some stuff gets in my eyes. It's not an act of will or something I can control. In our household we use non-perfumed items as far as possible and wouldn't dream of spraying something like fly spray indoors. (I suspect my children have inherited a similar allergic tendency.)

You will have to change your life substantially for this woman - it's not her fault of course - but is worth giving up your dog and cleaning like a demon for?

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 19/04/2023 05:30

You seem to feel a little afraid of her, in that she puts a lot of pressure on her to do things on her timeline. You say this only came to a head last week when she was wheezing and got the test to see want she was allergic to…yet she is already upset at your lack of progress. It feels very black and white and as though there isn’t a lot of space for discussion or to really openly talk things through. It is more you need to do what she wants to keep her happy.

rather than seeing it as going back on your word, look at it as a major decision you rushed into without giving it the time and thought it needed. You should have discussed all the options and what could be tried. If she is your person you should feel you can talk to her about this and not worry she will be mad or disappointed with you.

Given she didn’t know she had this allergy until now it can’t be that severe. So start with a top to bottom cleaning of your place. Hire someone if you need to and scrub it clean. Depending on how much the dog sheds, you will need to brush it more (outside) and you can use shampoos that help. Make it as allergy free as possible to start with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2023 05:32

How did you meet your gf?