Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

You sound desperate not to lose her at any cost.
She sounds demanding and selfish, and not just about the dog.

There are some seriously unhinged pet owners on MN - I’m not one of those.

But I would never re-home my pet for a partner, and I’d be highly, highly suspicious of any prospective partner who expected me to do that.

I feel very sorry for your dog, OP. I hope this woman is worth it.

To be frank, with an allergy that severe I am surprised she didn't know beforehand. Yet she went out with a pet owner?

I haven't got allergies, but I really don't like cats. When I met DH he had 3 of the wretched things. Of course I didn't expect him to rehome them, I had to accept that they would be there if I moved in with him - which I did after 7 months, so I do get the bit about knowing when you've met the right person.

I suspect your gf doesn't like your dog and isn't prepared to take meds etc. I wouldn't rehome my dog under these circumstances.

I would never expect a partner to give up a loved pet for me. And if they did then I'd be worried about their commitment to me!

Just say no! It's obvious you don't want rid of the dog as you haven't done anything about it.

If she loved you, she would accept the dog and try and manage her allergy.

If she is this demanding/controlling about the dog, what other demands is she going to be coming up with?

It’s weird that an adult woman wasn’t able to say at the start of the relationship “I don’t date people with dogs, I’m allergic”.

You could spend a lot of money and effort on your home and soft furnishings and learning to be cleaner (eg wash your dog regularly etc) and see if that eases her symptoms over a period of many months. The fact you haven’t makes me think perhaps you don’t want this woman coming in reorganising your life at this point in time.

Tell your gf you need another six months to consider it. She’ll be disappointed but then it’s up to her to decide if she wants to stick around.

This! If she's this allergic then she would have reacted to the dogs dander that is all over you , if you have your dog in the car it's there too. What test did she have? Was is a blood test or one of those hair strand things?

Ridiculous after less than a year together. You'll obviously end up resenting her for making you get rid of your dog, so how will that affect your relationship? No way could I be with someone who made me give up a beloved pet, I wouldn't even consider it.

The comparison is that this living being is completely dependent on you and has nobody else to advocate for it. You have a commitment to care for this animal and you say you love it. The difference is that thousands of pets end up at shelters every year. As a previous poster said, you’re sure your family wouldn’t do that - but did you ever think you would? You don’t know yet if any of your family would take your dog. I also agree with other posters querying this whole situation with this woman. If she’s that allergic she must have known. You said she’s “mildly” OCD - what else will need to change in your life to accommodate that?

TBH I’d be putting the brakes on, not getting rid of your dog to accommodate her.

It sounds like she wants you all to herself, any jealous behaviour so far?

This entirely.

You have to rehome YOUR dog
She's allergic to dust so YOU'VE promised to get on top of that
She has OCD
YOU'RE afraid to go back on your word

What exactly is she giving up? If it all goes tits up she can trot back to her relatives house while you've basically given up your dog.

I wouldn't give up my pets for anyone, they are my family and I don't care if that's seen as weird. The are not a disposable commodity.

In all honesty she sounds like a lot if hard work with an entitlement issue and if your such a pushover I'll give it another six months before you're completely downtrodden.

I'm not agains rehoming animals in certain circumstances. But my 'partner for life' couldn't be someone with pet allergies that's for sure. If you're an animal lover who's always had animals, it's be a lifetime of yearning to be without one.

WTF! Of course you shouldn’t be rehoming your dog, they are for life not until you get the next girlfriend. You are right to be afraid of family and friends judging you.

And if you do rehome this dog, please do not ever get another pet, you are not fit to be an owner because you think pets are disposable.

I don’t have a dog ( have cats) and if the love of my life came along and was actually allergic to a pet of mine, I think I’d rehome it (probably!) However I’d do everything pp have recommended first - full clean, hepa air purifier, dog free room for her, etc.

Also - why haven’t you told her the truth about why you’re procrastinating? I’d be frustrated with your lack of action if I were her, given that you’re not doing anything. That said, it’s a bit of a red flag if she’s not ready to discuss options now that she’s recently understood that she has allergies. I’d have thought that this would mean that it’s all up for discussion esp since the problem is her allergies and nothing tk so with you. Good luck.

‘We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place.’

Good old emotional blackmail to get her way.

You’d be a fool to get rid of your dog for someone you’ve known for less than a year who clearly is not even prepared to explore other avenues to allow you all to live together. Her way or the high way by the sounds of it.

So you’ve only been with this partner under a year and had your dog for 4? She could take piriton but I’d end the relationship rather than rehome the dog, under a year isn’t long and alarm bells have rung about the dust!

She strikes me as the sort that you are always going to be trying to make her happy! And I’ve got a feeling the demands won’t stop at the dog and dust complaint! I’m assuming this will be the first time that you are living together? If so it’s the absolute test of all tests in relationships!

I really feel for you. I would never be able to get rid of my dog. You also haven't been with your DP that long.

If she is allergic, there are ways to manage it and keep the dog. Can she sees an allergist? Before rehoming your dog, I would try to see if her allergies can be controlled with medication.

She could try antihistamine (tablets or nasal sprays) or even immunology.

I would not give up my dog before trying a few things first.

Hi Op 👋

I see this in Alternate way ,

I think you are Making /Taking a Huge Risk , by being pressured, Cause of your Partners health Risks, to have to give up your pet dog,

Who is like a furry member of your family,

You have known your furry canine member of your family for how long, more years than ,
Your Partner,
Who you have known for just under a 1 year,

I am you Asking is your just under a year Partner,
Really Worth this?

Will you come to regret later down the line?

How is your relaxing with your partner in general @CanineConundrum ?

The reason why I am asking is , for you to Consirder how good your relationship really is ?
Reflection

Also is there a possibility your Partner,
Would have therapy that has the potential to gradually accimilatize to her pet fur Allergy then?

I am sure I have heard about, read 📚 about that there is a kind of Therapy out there, that is beneficial for Allergies and phobias too,

Can someone out there on mumsnet tell me the name of this kind of Therapy for allergic suffers ect?

You think she won't be happy having to wait.

She's told you to get rid of your dog because she has an allergy.

She's told you you need to clean more.

She is frustrated about your lack of progress.

She thinks you are not prioritising her health and needs.

There's a lot of she said and she wants in your new relationship isn't there?

Less than a year! WHAT??

Your poor dog! How can you even think of doing this? And clearly you don’t want to.

Alarm bells are ringing, pay attention to them.

When my DH first moved in with me we found out he was allergic to cats. Not once did he ever suggest I rehomed my cat which is just as well as it would never have happened. His symptoms were itchy eyes/throat and a runny nose which we both considered non life threatening 😂 Fast forward 8 years abd he is no longer allergic to our cat.
Obviously this isn’t medical advice but I’d definitely get rid of the GF for suggesting you re home your dog and not appearing to even understand how upsetting this is for you. You sound lovely and I 100% know you’ll find an equally lovely person who loves you and your dog.

I’d keep the dog in this situation. I couldn’t rehome a dog I’d had four years for a relationship of less than a year. My dogs are my absolute world and nothing could ever make me rehome them.

You've been together less than a year.
You're still in the honeymoon period, making plans, all loved up but it's all too soon imo.
You don't really know someone after less than a year, there's a good chance you won't stay together.
You need to date and get to know each other better.
She lives with a family member and sounds keen to move in with you, are you her opportunity to move out of the family members house and have her "own place"?
Don't give up the dog

Worst kind of dog owner, and the cop out of saying the dog isn't comparable with a child is crap. This animal is completely dependent on your and you're willing to get rid of it for a relationship of under a year with a person who has already given you a to do list.
Please never get a pet again after this relationship hits the bin.