Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

Sorry but I wouldn't be moving her in.
Your dog was there first it's his home and the dog loves you,why should be be thrown out ?he isn't an old sock.
Why can't you have a relationship living in separate houses?you sound very young.
Ask her to speak to her Dr about anti allergens.
She sounds,to me,somewhat controlling .
🐕🐾🐾🐕🐾🐾

You know that if she'#s to move in, you have to act (rehome dog, dust and clean house) but you've done notheing and keep fobbing off her reasonable enquiries.

Very clearly, you're putting your feelings about a dog, and the dog's feelings, ahead of hers. She's a poor third.

Not surprisingly she probably interprets this as a lack of commitment on your part. Any woman would.

And I am amazed that you can even think about comparing a dear family member to wheat!! The bottom line is, the dog was there first. We found out I was allergic to cats when I was 8 after getting our first, but my mum never considered giving him up! Yes it's been hard, yes I ended up in A + E at times and started using an inhalor, but once we did things like removing carpet from my room, keeping the cat out of my room etc it was manageable. You make adjustments because they are family! Some people are willing to and some aren't. So yes it DOES come down to how much you love them and clearly you didn't love yours enough. Personally I think people who give up on their pets should be put on a 'no adopt' list. Gosh I feel enfuriated by some people. Angered and saddened by some of the comments on this thread, thankfully most see things my way which is comforting to know.

What? The dog has been around three years more than the girlfriend. They've been together a year. Not an animal lover are you? An animal is a lifelong (their life) commitment. If you're not prepared to put in that time, don't get an animal. Simple.

I agree with this she sounds like she could be very hard work.
I myself have always been allergic to cats but I have actually had cats for a lot of my life. I actually find the more time I am with cats my allergy gets much less and i kind of build up a resistance. I haven't had a cat for around 6 years now and if I do come into contact with one the itchy eyes,nose,throat and sneezing are back with a vengeance because I've lost that resistance after 6 years. I myself wouldn't be getting rid of my beloved dog. what breed of dog is it as many dogs are hypoallergenic and none shedding.

She's not the girl for you. It shouldn't be this difficult. Move on.

I'm going to answer what I would do in this situation. If I had a partner who was allergic to my dogs, and he wanted to move in and requested that I rehome my dogs so he can do that, I'd break up with him.

It's not that his request is wholly unreasonable. If someone has a severe allergy that cannot be managed, it's reasonable to expect that the cause of the allergy be removed from living space.

It's just it's not something I'd ever be prepared to do. I do not care one inch that I'm happy to prioritise my dogs over humans because I absolutely am. I made a lifetime commitment to them for the duration of their lives, and I will see that through.

What have you both tried before deciding to rehome your dog? Has she been to a doctor or pharmacist for advice about managing her allergy? I understand this isn't always feasible or possible in some cases-but I think it's worth a try before moving straight to rehoming.

Have you tried having a good deep clean of your home? Regular grooms of your dog using deshedding shampoo? Limiting the places in your home where your dog can go-i.e. the bedroom is a no-go area.

It seems that all avenues to resolving this have not been explored. You're digging in your heels because, deep down, you don't want to do it. That's understandable. She's pushing for a resolution because she doesn't have the same emotional attachment to the dog as you do. It's also, in a way, understandable.

I'm not going to say that she's a villain in this piece-if she's severely allergic and unable to manage her allergy through treatments etc, her position is logical and reasonable. It's possible that because she thinks the dog will get rehomed with a family member or friend that it's somehow less of a sacrifice on your part as you would still be allowed to see it.

If anything, I think you sound quite immature and naive. You are perhaps young and as you haven't been together that long-I'd suggest taking a deep breath and pause. If you are, indeed, partners for life, what is the hurry to move in together? If she doesn't have a lease that's due to expire, gets on with the relatives she's staying with, where's the fire? Why June?

I'm sorry, OP, I don't see this ending well. Even aside from the issues with the dog and allergies, it seems like you're quite nervous/scared of communicating with her.

It's clear from your hesitancy to act that you don't really want to do it. If you did, you'd have asked around friends and family by now. Yet, you don't want to say anything to her about this in case she views this as you "going back on your word." I'm sorry-but any partner that has empathy would be able to understand the difficult position that you are in.

I'm trying to think of what it is that you want from MN, OP, because many have given advice about things you could both try that don't involve rehoming the dog-but it seems you may want some handhold that lets you off the hook here. Please don't ever think of owning a dog or any animal again, if you treat them as disposable depending on the status of your love life.

This! Some people on here talking as if you could get treatment on the NHS for a pet allergy on the basis that you might want to shack up with someone who has a dog!

You think you love your dog, but obviously you don't, to even THINK of rehoming him after 4 years together, for someone you know for less than a year just leaves me speechless.

mybeautifuloak · Yesterday 22:41

@Fuctifin0 I'm actually outraged at your ignorance. People die from asthma. They die. Animal allergies can trigger asthma. Why are you so belligerently restating your ignorant point?
Yes it’s a serious condition and many people don’t understand this. But to give up a beloved pet for someone you’ve known less than a year is crazy imo. Whichever way this goes there will be a risk of resentment. There’s two obviously live very different lives with one not prioritising cleaning and house work and the other being very ocd about it. Not the best combination. Best keep the dog and wait and see if it’s still something that they both want in a couple of years time.

If she can afford to be saving up to buy a house and going on holidays with op, she has disposable income so there are other options if the will were there. Secondly as she only has a pet allergy causing troublesome rather than a life threatening asthmatic reaction, she could go through a desensitisation process with the help of prescription meds.

@LoveSong 100%. I wouldn't rehome my dog. Sorry OP but I just can't imagine it, a dog is a commitment for their lifetime.

I couldn’t have a Relationship with someone who wanted me to get rid of my cats or my dog ….equal to say I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was prepared to do that either …just no get a new partner 🤬🤬🤬🤬

I don't think she's allergic. You don't just find out ffs.

Truth is, she doesn't want the dog around.

Don't ever trust someone who doesn't like dogs. She sounds ultra fkn controlling!

Oh, and what if you split up six months down the line. And you've given your dog away for someone controlling that you've only known about 300 days?@CanineConundrum

Are you nuts?

as I think the irritant would need to be completely removed

The irritant isn't the dog. It's the gf

Ops going to get rid of the dog, split up with his girlfriend, and then he will go and get a new dog..
My neighbor did this she got rid of her dog because her husband was sneezing, husband ended up being abusive and they ended up separating, now she cries about having to give her dog up

Yeah I can see that happening. I had a dog when I met my husband and I said if he didn't like dogs then maybe we weren't suited. He loves my dog. Thank god because we've been together 10 years and the dog will be 14 years old this year with no sign of slowing down. I wouldn't have given my dog up

People talking as if a gf who wants to move in is remotely comparable to one’s child when it comes to pet allergies. The dog is in the child position here - it’s the family member. She’s not.

Nobody who started sneezing or looking askance at my cats would get a second date, never mind the option to ruin my life and theirs.

@Helena91 you ended up in A & E on multiple occasions? You do realise that uncontrolled asthma scars the lungs and can lead to COPD? Have you ever seen someone suffer with severe COPD? It’s pretty awful. I watched my mum die of it. Very irresponsible of your parents not to remove the cause of your asthma attacks.

For what? To see if the relationship actually lasts. The question may disappear because the relationship ends. Just under a year really is no time at all. When there are such huge consequences, you wait. That’s what adults who take their responsibilities do. Immature, irresponsible ‘adults’ rush in with no real care of the huge consequences, it’s just ‘me, me, me.’

Get her to go to doctors for antiallergic pills. They will soften her allergy and then desensitise her for this certain one! It's honestly possible and helped loads of families, relations to not break up because of love for one or the other 🤞🤞 good luck in whatever you chose to do but always be honest with everyone about it, especially for the sake of dog who's sounds more like your Baby not "just any dog" 😘🐾🐩🐾

Yes it's been hard, yes I ended up in A + E at times and started using an inhalor

I am honestly shocked that parents would do this to their child rather than re-home a cat.

I also had a dog. It didn’t even occur to me that dh might not like him. He has since died and another dog after that, who was such an Angel and proud protector of dd when she was little. And we now have another dog, who is now very poorly at the moment. We are both dog people and love our dogs to bits.

I’m allergic to dogs and have a dog. I take antihistamines and am a clean freak. No dog upstairs, no dog on furniture, hoover daily, dust daily, I could not get rid of my dog for someone who I’ve not known long, poor dog. I have severe asthma and you can get round the allergy aspect!