Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

It seems that you've made your mind up to rehome the dog, OP. What are the options if your family or friends refuse to take your dog?

If your relationship breaks down, don't get another dog or animal at all. They deserve someone who is capable of providing life-long commitment to them, not someone who will toss them aside when a partner of less than a year decides they want to move in.

Also, don't try and get the dog back if the relationship ends, either. That wouldn't be fair to the dog and I suspect is one of your main motivators for trying to place the dog with family or friends. Don't do that.

I think you need to be honest about the state of your home.

Many people who think they have sinus and allergies just aren't cleaning their homes enough.

How often do you hoover, dust, and clean the furniture your dog may have been on?

You didn't say what kind of dog it is but do you brush it and bathe it frequently?

I'm sorry. It's so difficult to cope with relationship breakdowns and change in circumstances. Are you able to visit dog?

OP it sounds like this is moving too fast, I'd work on the issues first.

I used to foster homeless cats. I always felt sad about how a woman gave their cats up because her new boyfriend's dog didn't get on with cats. They were lovely cats. A brother and sister. The charity and even the vet said that she should have got rid of the boyfriend, not the cats.

Poor dog and who knows what else might you have to give up in the future. All the best

Get the dust sorted , could well be that and not the dog that's causing allergies oh and don't get rid of dog if you don't want to

No no no. Just don't. I also don't like the kind of pressure she seems to be putting on you, I don't think she gets how hard it is.

I personally would never rehome a pet for a year old relationship. What if it doesn't work out? Something seems a little off here. What's her hurry? Why must it be June?

I would get rid of the girl before I got rid of my cat :-(

Crack on being outraged love 😂

@mybeautifuloak my husband had severe asthma as a child, his family always had dogs. We have dogs. He has built up
a tolerance to them. He can get wheezy around other dogs but will adapt to it quickly. We have hard floors and keep them relatively clean, but his body has grown used to them. Two of them are huge, fluffy, double-coated giants, too. Who drool. A lot.

His asthma has randomly recurred badly in adulthood but his tolerance to the dogs means they are not a problem.

Long time dog owner/dog lover, married to very allergic DH who is not anti-animal but can't tolerate hair/fur etc.

I would suggest you are not ready to remove your dog, if DP was to get her own place where you could visit etc, soend dog free time together, meanwhile making arrangements to ensure your pet is cared for then the relationship might survive.
If DP moves in and dog goes out, I think the changes in lifestyle might create you issues leading to resentment over loss of pet.
Also if she does live in, you have to get on the cleaning schedule quick to get rid of allergens.

If you are considering the possibility that your relationship might not work out and she is demanding and won't wait, you really need to question if this is the relationship for you.
OCD is hard to live with, the dog isn't the issue here, it is a block to you living together and you are reluctant to rehome your dog because you are not 100% convinced things are going to work out.
How old are you both? Less than a year is not a lot of time to see if this person is really the one for you.

OP is now saying GF isn’t “mildly OCD” at all but simply likes a neat and tidy house.

Same. Unless its my actual human child who's allergic there's no way I'd get rid of my cat. She's my best friend.

I came on here for advice on how to make the whole thing easier

I don't think there's a way to make it easier. I think you can stop dragging it out. Start by having conversations with friends and family about your dog. You might be very lucky and find someone who's been thinking of getting a dog and who likes yours. You might find none of them are interested. But either way, if you have the conversations, at least you'll know.

And you'll also know a bit more from your reactions to those conversations about how you really feel. Relief that they can/ can't take the dog? Will their reactions confirm something you're thinking? Will they think your GF is amazing and good for you, and that you're right to rehome the dog? Or will they think you're making a big mistake for someone they don't like very much.

You need more information. And dragging your feet will not make this easier. Once you've got that information you can make more informed decisions. Meantime, get on top of the cleaning. She's asked you to do this anyway, so try, and see if ultimately that might be a dealbreaker between you. And even if it isn't, it might help with her reactions to the dog. It might not, if it's a serious allergy, but for many reasons it's worth a shot.

That's great but tolerance doesn't build for everyone. For some it will be completely debilitating and potentially life threatening. 'Allergy' covers a huge range of levels of affliction. Expecting people with severe allergies ti just suck it up and hope they build an immunity is no appropriate

I came on here on how to make the whole thing easier

You’ve had that advice, haven’t you? Advice to deep clean the house (which is not the same as being better at tidying up), wash your dog, look into getting hard flooring, explore whether your gf could take prescription medication or exposure therapy.

But I don’t think that’s what you’re after. I think you want a magic pill, where people say there, there, it’ll be ok. And with minimal effort on your part. It won’t. Almost everyone is telling you the same thing so that should be sending off massive alarm bells ringing, especially as many of us have a lot of life experience. I know you possibly don’t get that now, but you will, in time.

And she’s not a spouse. You’re mapping out a future, which hasn’t happened yet and you may find you’re massively incompatible. I have a spouse. I know what it is to have been with the same person for decades with all of the commitment, dedication and compromise, which goes with it.

She’s a girlfriend of less than a year, whom you’ve never lived with and is currently living with her parents, looking to improve her life by moving in with you whilst not trying to work with you to find a compromise. Giving your dog to someone else is not a compromise. It’s a decision to no longer want to take care of a sentient, living, loving being.

If your gf that easy to lose, is she really worthy of your love? Your dog otoh will love you til his dying breath.

Separate or give up dog. That's what it boils down to though, so it's a her or your dog situation. A compromise would be that she tries to live with your dog for a month say. You deep clean the house and keep on top of the cleaning, have areas that are dog free (easy with baby gates), wash and brush your dog outside frequently, she speaks to a doctor about the best antihistamines to take for a pet allergy. You try. That's compromise. Otherwise you just bite the bullet and talk to your family, that's the other option. Procrastinating on MN and getting defensive when people say things you don't like isn't solving the situation one way or another.

Hmm well there is a saying,Love me,love my dog!

She shouldn't try to change you or how you live your life. She can get treatment for her allergy,as for the dust, she should put a mask on and do some of the dusting! Sounds a bit high maintenance.

Ask yourself if rehoming your dog will make you feel resentful? I think you are stalling because you do not want to and hope a relative can take your dog so if your relationship doesn’t work you can have dog back. I also think you haven’t asked them because if no one will have your dog you can’t bear the thought of your beloved pet being given to strangers and you never seeing your pet again.
A doctor will prescribe strong antihistamines for your gf if she is allergic so you won’t have to rehome your dog and tbh she isn’t sounding like she wants to even try and is just issuing an ultimatum.
It can take up to 6 months to completely remove all the pet dander from your home after a pet dies or gets rehomed.

I’m allergic to dogs and cats etc, it’s awful. I also just don’t like being in homes where they are as it’s just hair and smell everywhere and it’s not for me.

Not in a million years would I expect someone to give up their pet for me though. Absolutely not. If she really wants to be with you then she needs to make an effort to deal / ease her allergies and you need to make more effort to clean your home. Maybe there’s a compromise.

Amazed by the unforgivable ignorance about allergic asthma on here and the casual dismissal of what can be a life threatening condition. And no, it doesn't have to cause anaphylaxis to be life threatening. I thought the days of people thinking that 'being allergic to dogs and cats' meant 'not liking dogs and cats' were long gone. Or the days of being 'embarrassed' to admit that you couldn't bloody breathe and consequently putting yourself at risk of hospitalisation. Serious allergic asthma is not something that can always be controlled by inhalers, strong antihistamines or injections although they can all help and some people manage fine. But they also have side effects. I've had all of these, take a steroid inhaler every day as a preventative, and there are still some houses and - worse - 'dog friendly' hotel rooms that trigger my asthma. I've had to go out and sleep in the car on more than one occasion. As for people telling people with allergies to 'make an effort' - would you tell a coeliac to 'make an effort' to cope with wheat?
It is true, OP, that doing a deep clean and - more importantly - getting rid of old carpets if possible, and making sure that you can mop floors, and have washable rugs, would definitely help. Also hypo allergenic bedding. Many allergies are to some combination of pet 'dander' and house dust mite, rather than hair, all of which can be addressed by fairly simple changes to housekeeping. I hope that works for you.
I've lived with dogs without too much trouble in the past, but they never went on the furniture or in the bedroom and we had rugs on hard floors rather than carpets. So it would be well worth while trying all these things first.
It's true that some people gradually get desensitised which is great - but it's also true that the reverse can happen. We had to rehome a much loved dog when I got pregnant and the pregnancy triggered serious allergic asthma. When push came to shove, the baby was more important than the dog. But we made sure she went to a very good home.

Can I suggest to you @CanineConundrum that there is a person out there for you, your person if you will, that will love you so very very deeply and will not make you sad by the requirement of rehoming your dog? That person is out there but you haven't met yet (or you might have already met but not realised that they were your person). They will love you and your dog.
This particular person, while not specifically stating that you can't have your dog around, is making you unhappy because in order for you to be around them, you can't be around a dog that you've had in your life for 4+ years.

Can I also ask you if you're planning on washing/dry cleaning every scrap of your clothing and bedding and soft furnishings before this person moves in? Because hair and dander from a pet can remain on surfaces long after the pet has gone and unless you're going to give your house a thorough deep clean and clean all of the soft furnishings and clothing that the pet may have come in contact with throughout their 4+ year stay in your home, it'll take months to clean everything to a level that this person doesn't have a reaction to.

Seriously people like you don't get it. I had a dc in my house who was allergic to cats. She had a massive and terrifying asthma attack. She had to be rushed to hospital. She was on treatment but for many people, treatment doesn't make the allergy disappear. It just makes it a little less severe. People saying she should 'just get treatment' dint have a frcking clue.

If with all the will in the world your allergy could not be treated sufficiently to prevent you suffering unbearably, would you break up with the love of your life ?