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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
Choconut · 19/04/2023 11:48

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:07

I do have people in my life, he doesn't stop me from seeing anyone. But I have small kids, so I am a bit isolated. I don't have much of a social life going on.

I talk to my mum about it sometimes. She gets angry about it. She used to say maybe I should leave him. But then she stopped saying that.

Money not really an issue, in terms of leaving. That's not what is stopping me.

Show quote history

If it's not money then what is stopping you from leaving OP?

sunshinesupermum · 19/04/2023 11:50

He would be so shocked and devastated

Tough. If I was your mother I would also be telling you to leave now. He is destroying you but you can't see it.

tattygrl · 19/04/2023 11:58

Listen, OP, you don't owe him sex. "Putting out" is not something that you're obliged to do at regular intervals simply because you're in a relationship. Yes, he may personally find it frustrating if he wants sex and you don't, but he has NO right to take it out on you, and his desire to pressure you into having sex you don't want is wrong and worrying.

Example: my partner (I am a woman, he's a man) has not been able to have regular sex for a long while, going on two years now. This is due to some mental health problems he is having. I, on the other hand, have a very high sex drive and find sex to be super important to me, and something I want in my life. HOWEVER. Do you know what I don't do? Call my partner "a joke", swear at him, try and pressure him into having sex with me, or anything of the sort. Do you know what I do? I go at his pace. I reassure him that he doesn't owe me sex, that I love him regardless and ask what I can do to make him feel comfortable and supported - then do that stuff. We have conversations about our sex life and discuss the issues, sometimes making plans to improve things, other times simply acknowledging and accepting that our sex life is difficult right now.

The reason for this is because I love and respect him. Sex is so important to me, and I do struggle personally with it being an irregular thing - but that's my problem, for me to deal with, and I do. I speak to him, at appropriate times, kindly and respectfully, about how I'm feeling, so that we maintain open and honest communication. I sort myself out when I feel aroused. I remind myself that if sex is my priority, I have the option to leave the relationship and find someone else - I don't want to do this because being with my partner is more important to me.

All of this to illustrate what is possible, and what should be normal, in a relationship. It doesn't matter a jot that he's frustrated and wants sex. I'm in that position myself, and do you know what the furthest thing from my mind is? Harassing and abusing my partner to sleep with me, and abusing him further if he doesn't.

This is abuse, plain and simple, and it is hard for you to see right now, but you can and should expect so much more from life and your relationships. Please take this seriously, don't waste your one precious life, and leave.

Munchyseeds2 · 19/04/2023 12:00

So what if he's 'shocked and devastated ' ??

You only have one life and he would not be the one I want to spend it with!!

CwmYoy · 19/04/2023 12:05

Please leave, OP. This is no life.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 12:11

tattygrl · 19/04/2023 11:58

Listen, OP, you don't owe him sex. "Putting out" is not something that you're obliged to do at regular intervals simply because you're in a relationship. Yes, he may personally find it frustrating if he wants sex and you don't, but he has NO right to take it out on you, and his desire to pressure you into having sex you don't want is wrong and worrying.

Example: my partner (I am a woman, he's a man) has not been able to have regular sex for a long while, going on two years now. This is due to some mental health problems he is having. I, on the other hand, have a very high sex drive and find sex to be super important to me, and something I want in my life. HOWEVER. Do you know what I don't do? Call my partner "a joke", swear at him, try and pressure him into having sex with me, or anything of the sort. Do you know what I do? I go at his pace. I reassure him that he doesn't owe me sex, that I love him regardless and ask what I can do to make him feel comfortable and supported - then do that stuff. We have conversations about our sex life and discuss the issues, sometimes making plans to improve things, other times simply acknowledging and accepting that our sex life is difficult right now.

The reason for this is because I love and respect him. Sex is so important to me, and I do struggle personally with it being an irregular thing - but that's my problem, for me to deal with, and I do. I speak to him, at appropriate times, kindly and respectfully, about how I'm feeling, so that we maintain open and honest communication. I sort myself out when I feel aroused. I remind myself that if sex is my priority, I have the option to leave the relationship and find someone else - I don't want to do this because being with my partner is more important to me.

All of this to illustrate what is possible, and what should be normal, in a relationship. It doesn't matter a jot that he's frustrated and wants sex. I'm in that position myself, and do you know what the furthest thing from my mind is? Harassing and abusing my partner to sleep with me, and abusing him further if he doesn't.

This is abuse, plain and simple, and it is hard for you to see right now, but you can and should expect so much more from life and your relationships. Please take this seriously, don't waste your one precious life, and leave.

Wow you sound amazing.

OP posts:
maddening · 19/04/2023 12:27

Seriously do not let it out of your mind how unhappy you are, it is easy to slip back once he relents - but he will repeat this behaviour- don't accept this, you are worth more than that.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2023 12:35

@fadaaaah Wow you sound amazing.

No, she sounds like a normal, considerate, loving partner.

Are you taking on board what we're saying?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/04/2023 12:36

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 12:11

Wow you sound amazing.

Show quote history

While she will be amazing, it's not because she loves and respects her partner. That's the least anyone should expect from their PARTNER. It's the meaning of the word. You're a team, you work together, you don't belittle each other and use each other as verbal punching bags because you don't get your way.

Your H does not respect you in the slightest. You wouldn't have to be asking these questions of us if he did.

JuneOsborne · 19/04/2023 12:37

Just imagine your life how you want it to be. Like everyday life. Imagine not being shouted out, or having demands for sex made, or not being made to feel like a failure every meal time. Imagine how you could be free of all of this.

Imagine your children growing up in a home where their mother wasn't verbally abused.

That's the life you deserve. And the only way it will ever be your life is if he isn't in it.

By staying you're showing your children a really horrible model of how men can treat women. You're going to be treated like shit by them too-because that's what they're learning.

Get out op. This isn't normal, it isn't ok. It's damaging and scary. Life really doesn't have to be like this for you, but you're choosing it by staying. You have the power to change this.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 19/04/2023 12:40

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:30

@Thepeopleversuswork I am not happy about it. But part of me feels bad because I haven't ' put out ' regularly for a long time and he is frustrated about it.

What has he “put out “for you?
you need to leave, you are worth more than this!

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 12:48

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2023 12:35

@fadaaaah Wow you sound amazing.

No, she sounds like a normal, considerate, loving partner.

Are you taking on board what we're saying?

I really have. The main thing I've taken away from it is that she doesn't make her partner responsible for HER need for sex. Like it's not actually his 'job' to fill that need for her. I never thought of it that way before.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 19/04/2023 12:50

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:07

I do have people in my life, he doesn't stop me from seeing anyone. But I have small kids, so I am a bit isolated. I don't have much of a social life going on.

I talk to my mum about it sometimes. She gets angry about it. She used to say maybe I should leave him. But then she stopped saying that.

Money not really an issue, in terms of leaving. That's not what is stopping me.

Show quote history

So what is stopping you? Let’s address that.

Vee1987 · 19/04/2023 13:16

lechatnoir · 19/04/2023 00:38

You need to break the cycle of abuse for your children's sake even if you don't see it for yourself. You can live a life on your own free from nasty words and fear of being attacked physically and verbally. Please reach out to people in real life - women's aid and the Freedom program would be a good place to start.

I agree with this. I’d leave for many reasons, a huge one being so my daughters and sons don’t think this is acceptable in the future. It’s so sad that you described being raised in a ‘traditional’ home where verbal abuse was the norm. We must stop masking abuse with such language and making excuses based on family norms. I hope you have some support OP.

Joeylove88 · 19/04/2023 13:33

Maybe the reason you don't want to have sex alot is because you are spoken to and treated like a POS by you husband. Honestly if my partner treated me like that even once I'd be fuming and would be putting him back in his place quickly. Not that he ever would do that because he understands that he isn't just entitled to my body whenever he wants. We seriously need to eradicate the notion that men can have it whenever they want if can treat us like crap if we do say no! It's fucking gross.

DuckyShincracker · 19/04/2023 13:35

You are in an abusive relationship. It will have been a slow process to get to where you are. It will not get better only worse as more and more things become your responsibility. At one point my ex made me responsible for him losing things whilst he was at work. It was batshit and I couldn't see it. You are probably living in a fog worrying about the next time he kicks off. It's not doing the kids any good and you yourself will get lost along the way as you only ever meet other people's needs. You need to talk to womens aid and leave. My ex used to regularly try to run me over whilst cutting the lawns. Instead of thinking that mad fucker is trying to kill/ seriously injure me i used to think I need to get fitter so I can run faster. That's how messed up your brain gets. Do you and your kids a favour and leave.

Frankola · 19/04/2023 14:06

I wouldn't ever allow my husband to talk to me this way. Especially when he wants sex and I don't.

I can't believe he was expecting to be "serviced" by you even though you made it clear you weren't in the mood.

He's disgusting and I can't believe anyone would stay with someone like this.

CallintheClownies · 19/04/2023 14:18

@fadaaaah Not sure what you meant when you 'agreed' that you came from a 'traditional' household/ parents?

I am white British as are my entire family, and 'traditional' in my experience does not mean men belittle their wives and control them or demand sex and sulk when the woman doesn't 'put out'.

If you come from a home where men shout/swear at women and belittle them I can assure you this is not 'traditional'. It's just abusive and misogynistic.

You have had a very skewed experience if you think this behaviour is normal and acceptable.

I am sorry you are in this type of marriage, but it is not normal and you appear unable to see that.

Are you willing to leave before he destroys your self-worth further, so you lack the courage to do just that? He is intent on making you submissive until you are isolated, scared, and no more than a slave at his beck and call.

maddy68 · 19/04/2023 14:33

So go. ..

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 19/04/2023 14:34

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 12:48

I really have. The main thing I've taken away from it is that she doesn't make her partner responsible for HER need for sex. Like it's not actually his 'job' to fill that need for her. I never thought of it that way before.

Show quote history

Now apply the same "not actually your job" reasoning to the laundry and the meals and his mess in his cupboard and all the other stuff that your husband makes your problem when it's actually his.

Then ask yourself, if you turned around to him and said "your problem mate, you fix it", would you fear his reaction?

DRS1970 · 19/04/2023 14:37

I wouldn't stay with someone who exhibited so little respect to towards me.

FartSock5000 · 19/04/2023 14:51

@fadaaaah it's not just that, he is coercing you into having sex that you do not want to have. That is RAPE. If you don't do what he wants, he punishes you so you give in to keep the peace even though you don't want to and have said no.

Think about that. No man who really loves and respects you would do that. To him, you are a warm hole and that's about it.

You say he'd be devastated if you left? No he wouldn't. He'd be angry he has lost control of his plaything.

Please look deep into yourself and try to figure out why you are accepting this disgusting, abusive prick as your source of love. Think about how this example is going to be your DCs view of a healthy (and it's not) relationship growing up.

The damage he is inflicting on you will take years to heal. Leave now before he escalated and be assured that he will!

Free yourself.

SpiralHecate · 19/04/2023 15:29

You're being abused. Maybe he didn't treat you like this at the beginning, but that's the way it is now, and as the years go by it'll get worse. From your posts it's clear that you identify with him and his needs more than your own, which is normal for people who are being abused, it's one of the reasons they stay.

It will take you a long time before you leave him, and it will probably take many attempts to actually do it. Good luck when you finally take those steps.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 15:49

SpiralHecate · 19/04/2023 15:29

You're being abused. Maybe he didn't treat you like this at the beginning, but that's the way it is now, and as the years go by it'll get worse. From your posts it's clear that you identify with him and his needs more than your own, which is normal for people who are being abused, it's one of the reasons they stay.

It will take you a long time before you leave him, and it will probably take many attempts to actually do it. Good luck when you finally take those steps.

When I think about leaving, I only think about how devastated he would be about it and how he would make me feel like it's all my fault and that he should have known not to marry me and that I'm letting the family down. He said to me before that it's me who's letting everyone down and I have no loyalty towards him and our family. ( when I've stood up for myself and told him I'm fed up of his shit )

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 19/04/2023 15:52

This is abusive.

He is emotionally abusing you and trying to coerce you into sex, when you don't want it.

You can not consent freely under this pressure.

If you have sex when you do not want to but feel obliged, it is rape.

RED FLAG BUNTING TIME.