Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
Sizzer40 · 19/04/2023 08:41

I would do exactly what he is asking. I’d fuck off and shut up. And he’d never see or hear from me again.
I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation, and I hope you have the strength and ability to get out of it as soon as possible. Life doesn’t have to be like that at all. Sorry to say but if you stay i imagine it will only get worse.. pull the plaster off now!

AgrathaChristie · 19/04/2023 08:45

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

So you’re more of an employee or servant? Because that’s how he treats you, and badly for an employer!
He’s treating you as his property m to do with as he pleases. This is not normal, it’s abusive.
Plan how you’d leave, where you’d live. Get some advice from Women’s Aid.

Sizzer40 · 19/04/2023 08:46

Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:25

Dunno about the dressing up and all that. Eff that. But your granny would probably say just close your eyes and think of England. Not very mumsnetty to do that though.

He sounds an absolute beast to speak to you like that about it and needs a stern talking to maybe by your Mum.... or Dad or both. Very bloody rude and certainly wouldn't work to get anyone to change their mind and opt for a bunk up afterall.

Seriously? My Granny would suggest a carving knife through his windpipe. 🙄

pointythings · 19/04/2023 08:48

If you can't leave for your own sake, do it for your children. You're teaching them that this is what marriage is like. Your sons if you have them will learn that this is how you treat women. Your daughters if you have them will learn that this is how you get treated in a marriage and that it's OK.

Do the right thing for them.

Conkersinautumn · 19/04/2023 08:49

It's pathetic and abusive. If ANYONE (adult) in your life insults you, has a petulant strop and harasses you when you've said No then you need them out of your life.

rumpsteak · 19/04/2023 08:58

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:21

What would you do ?

Show quote history

Divorce. He suonds like a vile wanker.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2023 08:58

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:30

@Thepeopleversuswork I am not happy about it. But part of me feels bad because I haven't ' put out ' regularly for a long time and he is frustrated about it.

So? Does his behaviour make you want to?

Besides which, you are not on this earth to service him

FOJN · 19/04/2023 09:00

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

Have you ever wondered why he stays if you are really as useless as he makes you believe?

It's intentional. You are easier to manipulate if you are second guessing yourself. People who love you do not set out to undermine you at every turn and leave you feeling like you are walking in eggshells.

I would bet you are very capable and competent which makes him feel insecure which is why he feels the need to criticise you so much.

So what if he's devastated if you leave? His feelings are not your problem, you've been putting his wants before your needs and it's still not enough. Nothing you do will ever be enough.

He's an abuser and unless you want the rest of your life to be this way you should make plans to leave.

You don't say if he has been physically violent but if you deny him power by reclaiming your agency he could become violent so you need a plane to leave safely. Here's a link to Refuge who offer advice on how to make a plan to leave safely.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser

When you do manage to get away from this abusive man you may find it useful to do something like the Freedom Programme to help you understand what has happened to you and reset your ideas about healthy relationships.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2023 09:01

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:20

He would be so shocked and devastated

Show quote history

And?

He deserves to be

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2023 09:02

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

What does he do to show you he loves you?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/04/2023 09:03

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

This is ABUSE...

Please please ring womens aid...

It will NEVER inprove.. Or it will improve for a few hours /a day til he gets sex...

Then back to the devaluing, dehumanising treatment. Thus is TEXTBOOK control.

Why is he your boss..??

What does he do to make your life pleasant??

Skybluepinky · 19/04/2023 09:06

Run for the hills

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 19/04/2023 09:11

It’s coercive control. He’s manipulating you into having sex when you don’t want to.

i know it’s hard to hear. I’ve been there, when you’re ready to leave, The other side is great. I don’t have to pretend, don’t have to adjust what I’m wearing in case he thinks it means I’m up for it when I’m not. Life on the other side is great.

IHateFlies · 19/04/2023 09:11

Is this how you want to live your life?
To be servile to your horrible husband? The one who doesn't care if you're happy or not but expects you to bend over backwards and prove your devotion to him?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/04/2023 09:11

CheersForThatEh · 19/04/2023 07:46

He was a cunt.

But I think it's a bit sad on both of your parts to start negotiating "other options" like a transaction.

You're either in the mood or not. Your consent is not negotiable.

It would turn my stomach for a man to want a blow job from me knowing that I didn't really want to do it and that despite that he still wanted it.

So he was a dickhead to have a row with you but I think it's better(ish) that you rowen than him ploughing ahead with coerced consent.

Maybe counselling to address the bigger problems of the marriage. He should be ashamed for being so aggressive about it though.

NEVER have counselling with a manipulative, abusive man...

PlantKi1ler · 19/04/2023 09:20

That sounds awful. Sexual coercion is abuse and by your description I'd be worried about this behaviour escalating.

No healthy relationship should be this way and I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who treated me like this, he sounds horrible.

tarrazu · 19/04/2023 09:21

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

OP, do you also get angry that you don't live in a mansion with paid help, driving your lovely car to a nice relaxing yoga class followed by a facial each morning, then lunch with the girls whilst the nanny looks after your child?

Because if he wants to be unreasonably pissed off about the roles you take on at home, you can be pissed off he isn't earning millions for you and the family... Right? 👀

Squamata · 19/04/2023 09:21

This will go on until you leave. He wants you to be barely a person, thinking only of his sexual needs, domestic needs, food preferences etc. Your own thoughts and feelings don't come into it. The drip, drip, drip of nagging and pestering and criticising will wear you down and make you feel smaller and smaller.

Your children will watch this and think it's normal and that's what love looks like.

Please leave him.

Squamata · 19/04/2023 09:23

I would also not be surprised if he escalated from verbal abuse to sexual violence. He does not respect your boundaries. You need to take this very seriously, OP.

FarmGirl78 · 19/04/2023 09:23

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:20

He would be so shocked and devastated

Show quote history

But aren't YOU shocked and devastated every time he gets so angry and treats you like this?

I think you're so far down the rabbit hole of poor stuff esteem and self confidence you can't see the truth in this situation. Why are you so bothered about him when HE IS BEING ABUSIVE TO YOU? Why don't you matter just as much as him? Does he "love and protect you".....if he really loved you he wouldn't regularly treat you like this. He's not protecting you as he's the one making you feel vulnerable and interior. Why does he think it's ok for YOU to be upset and worried but you can't bear the thought of him feeling devastated? Because this relationship isn't good, healthy or happy.

He's being a knob, and unfortunately you're too crushed and trampled down to see it. Look at your relationship from an outsider's point of view. If you were advising a friend, or reading about yourself as the character in a book perhaps, would you want them to leave and be treated better?

If he's shocked and devastated that's for him to deal with. It's not your job to bother about.

user1471538283 · 19/04/2023 09:24

You need to leave now!

I don't think he will be devastated. He will try and find another victim.

WitcheryDivine · 19/04/2023 09:27

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:34

@Youdoyoubabe yes traditional. I haven't seen much language like this in his parents house. It's fiery and I have seen some pretty savage fights between him and his mum, but it has been a while.

I come from a traditional home. Lots of verbal abuse and despicable language used. So even though I don't like what happened tonight, it doesn't really shock me. I am used to nasty words.

I am heartbroken to realise that some people consider a "traditional home" to be one where verbal abuse and despicable language is used (against women? or everyone?).

I'm sorry you've been trained to put up with this OP. Only you can break out of that trap.

Lovemusic33 · 19/04/2023 09:27

I don’t know why anyone would put up with this? No wonder you don’t want sex with him, he sounds like a childish abusive prick.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 09:39

@WitcheryDivine sorry if I gave that impression. I don't consider a traditional home to be one with verbal abuse.

Not at all, I meant- the set up was traditional- dad at work, mum at home doing house stuff. In addition to that, there was a lot of verbal abuse.

I did not mean that traditional set ups mean verbal abuse. At all.

OP posts:
LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 19/04/2023 09:48

You are in an abusive marriage, OP. You need to start planning your escape.

Swipe left for the next trending thread