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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 19/04/2023 21:49

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 20:18

I told him all the things he's been doing lately and how they've made me feel etc and that it's completely unacceptable. He did say sorry but he doesn't think he's solely responsible for how things have been between us and I'm at fault too and I also speak to him in a nasty way. I do sometimes lose it with him when he says all I do is whinge and moan and complain.

I also speak to him in a nasty way. I do sometimes lose it with him when he says all I do is whinge and moan and complain.

He's minimising your legitimate complaints and silencing you by something called "tone policing". Accusing you of speaking to him in a nasty way is to deflect from his piss-poor behaviour and stop you from speaking up again. There are no words that you will be able to criticise him with that he won't frame as "a nasty way", because the point is to shut you up.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 21:53

@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg I really do lose my cool sometimes.

But yes he very often complains about my ' tone '.

OP posts:
Humanbiology · 19/04/2023 21:58

Do you feel listened to and can you express yourself with out fear of him kicking off?

We all lose our temper now and then but the majority don't do it to intimidate the other person.

Squamata · 19/04/2023 21:59

Two things that can't be true:

  1. You let everyone down and are crap etc
  2. He'd be devastated to lose you
Do you see how that works? If he doesn't value you, why would he be with you? Everyone deserves to be with someone who thinks they're great.

His contention is that he thinks you're shit and he's with you as some great favour to you. That idea is what's slowly crushing you. That you're not worth anything and he's doing you a favour by being with you. It's bullshit designed to destroy your self esteem so he can have you as a skivvy and ego booster to make him feel like a big man.

He's a bad egg. You need to stop caring what he thinks and start making plans for a life without him. Really. Wake up.

Squamata · 19/04/2023 22:00

And your 'tone' is occasional moments of outrage at how he treats you. Why wouldn't you be angry?

SpiralHecate · 19/04/2023 22:03

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 21:53

@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg I really do lose my cool sometimes.

But yes he very often complains about my ' tone '.

You 'lose your cool' because you're being abused. You're not a robot, you can't be all sweetness and smiles while living with a man who could lash out at you at any time and makes unreasonable demands of you.

The fact his response to you trying to communicate with him was to pull the 'well you do it too' card is evidence that this just isn't going to work. If and when you do leave him don't expect him to understand or give his permission for you to go, you're going to have to just leave. He's not going to change.

unsync · 19/04/2023 22:16

Please contact Women's Aid and learn about the ways in which abuse is perpetrated. From this thread, you are being both sexually and emotionally abused. Please take action, you deserve better.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 19/04/2023 23:26

Can I make a suggestion @fadaaaah ?

Just put a plan together to explore the options of leaving? You’ve had so many comments… all pretty much saying the same thing.

On NO account tell him what you’re doing.

Pick a selection from these…in no particular order

  1. Talk to your Mum
  2. See a solicitor to gauge what kind of settlement you’d get if you divorced
  3. See a counsellor specialising in domestic abuse ALONE
  4. Sign up to do The Freedom Programme
  5. Contact Women’s Aid. You’ll get a response if you email them.
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/04/2023 00:12

Plenty of sound advice here OP!

Sexy he is not.
If he behaves as you describe, I am amazed that you EVER feel like 'putting out'.

PeacefulPottering · 20/04/2023 02:09

I have to leave these posts because the OP has been given advice from women who have been there.
I suppose it's when you are ready, when you have had enough.
OP will be ready when she has had enough.

Weatherwax13 · 20/04/2023 03:58

I'd go to the GP and ask about a therapist who has experience of working with women in abusive relationships.
Your head"s all muddled up by years of conditioning by this man and I really think you need a safe place to verbalise and then actually test your beliefs.
You're clearly a smart woman who knows intellectually that this is utterly wrong. But emotionally you're so battered that you can't help doubting the validity of your feelings.
Obviously seeing a solicitor and confiding in your mother are excellent ideas which I really encourage but I think you need support to get your head straight so you truly believe you have the right to end this and that he is not your responsibility.

LadyH846 · 20/04/2023 04:06

It's abuse.

jeaux90 · 20/04/2023 07:03

You are not his support human.

He is an abusive arsehole.

I am a lone parent and I can tell you my life is a lot better without a man like him in it.

Please listen to your mum. Get a divorce.

UnRavellingFast · 20/04/2023 08:29

Just to add a voice of support. You’ve been given all the advice you need on here, along with some undeserved snarkiness. When you’ve been in an abusive relationship for a long time, your head is not in a good place for seeing things clearly. That’s because Your head is being messed with as a deliberate tactic. Take this validation that you are being abused and you have the right to leave a relationship that is hurting you.- or even one that just isn’t working for you. It will take a while for your brain to catch up with the words you’re reading. Be kind to yourself. Seek help from people like women’s Aid, who run a course for abused women, that’s totally anonymous. get your free half-hour with a solicitor to know where you stand. Get support from your mum. Slowly you will get there. You deserve to choose to live instead of just function in fear. Warm wishes to you.

UnRavellingFast · 20/04/2023 08:33

PS it is vitally important that you do not tell him any of your plans in this respect. Either he will love bomb you back into suppression or he could turn violent because it’s at the point of leaving that women experience the highest levels of violence from their partners. Encode any private correspondence, create a new email address that he doesn’t know about, have a codeword with your mum if he walks in the room while you’re talking to her.

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