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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
Comtesse · 19/04/2023 15:52

He’s a pig and he’s a liar. You don’t have to believe the rubbish he tells you. You are not letting the family down, it’s HIM.

DaaamnYoullDo · 19/04/2023 15:58

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

This is all I needed to read to know that you absolutely need to leave him.

You wouldn't believe how much better your life becomes once you're out from under this.

Terrribletwos · 19/04/2023 16:07

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 15:49

When I think about leaving, I only think about how devastated he would be about it and how he would make me feel like it's all my fault and that he should have known not to marry me and that I'm letting the family down. He said to me before that it's me who's letting everyone down and I have no loyalty towards him and our family. ( when I've stood up for myself and told him I'm fed up of his shit )

Show quote history

So it's fear that is stopping you?
I can understand this fear, it's awful!
But at the same time you are in a terrible situation and you have to find a way out. It won't be as bad as you think and it certainly won't be as bad as staying put!
You have to get going and leave! I was On my own and left, after many years of abuse, with no real help. It was maddening. I eventually went to women's aid and found a council flat. It was gruelling with 2 kids but the best thing looking back. I felt free....still do.
I hope you can make it.

SpiralHecate · 19/04/2023 16:13

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 15:49

When I think about leaving, I only think about how devastated he would be about it and how he would make me feel like it's all my fault and that he should have known not to marry me and that I'm letting the family down. He said to me before that it's me who's letting everyone down and I have no loyalty towards him and our family. ( when I've stood up for myself and told him I'm fed up of his shit )

Show quote history

That is text book abusive behaviour. It's called DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He does something to hurt you, you stand up for yourself, he flips it around and convinces you that you're the one doing something bad.

If you leave him it'll be HIS fault for being a terrible husband. You're not ready to leave him yet anyway, because you still identify with him and worry about his welfare instead of focussing on your own and your children's. Whatever you do, DO NOT attempt couples therapy, it'll just let him get further into your head. You need to work on yourself and recognising that what he's doing is not okay and that you deserve better.

Regarding his demands for sex, I would recommend separate bedrooms and for you to stop attempting to placate him. Don't reward bad behaviour.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 16:18

@SpiralHecate but if I don't worry for his welfare and at least keep things ticking over for him at home, he will always be in a bad mood and angry and we will always be fighting. I worry about it, to keep him from moaning and complaining / having bad vibes, I try to make him ' happy '. I don't anyway. He's really unhappy with me anyway.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 19/04/2023 16:21

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 16:18

@SpiralHecate but if I don't worry for his welfare and at least keep things ticking over for him at home, he will always be in a bad mood and angry and we will always be fighting. I worry about it, to keep him from moaning and complaining / having bad vibes, I try to make him ' happy '. I don't anyway. He's really unhappy with me anyway.

So, leave. Why are you clinging onto this horrible abusive man and this horrible abusive relationship?

justanotherdrama · 19/04/2023 16:22

@fadaaaah
I'm so sorry to rest this it must be awful however why on earth aren't you just leaving him????
I find that bizarre
Who in their right mind would put up with that?

justanotherdrama · 19/04/2023 16:22

Read this not "rest"

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 16:23

Still victim blaming on this thread. It’s like people don’t understand how abuse works. “Just leave” - this is not constructive advice. It doesn’t work like that in an abusive relationship.

SpiralHecate · 19/04/2023 16:23

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 16:18

@SpiralHecate but if I don't worry for his welfare and at least keep things ticking over for him at home, he will always be in a bad mood and angry and we will always be fighting. I worry about it, to keep him from moaning and complaining / having bad vibes, I try to make him ' happy '. I don't anyway. He's really unhappy with me anyway.

That's usually the way in an abusive marriage. You spend your life and energy walking on eggshells to placate a man who will always find a reason to get angry with you. He will never be happy with you, not because there's anything the matter with you, because there's something the matter with him. When he says those things to you, just remember the problem lies within him.

PousseyNotMoira · 19/04/2023 16:23

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 15:49

When I think about leaving, I only think about how devastated he would be about it and how he would make me feel like it's all my fault and that he should have known not to marry me and that I'm letting the family down. He said to me before that it's me who's letting everyone down and I have no loyalty towards him and our family. ( when I've stood up for myself and told him I'm fed up of his shit )

Show quote history

So, you’re not leaving your abuser because he wouldn’t agree it was his fault? You’re going to stay with him because he’d blame you for leaving him?

You must see how utterly irrational that is?

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 16:23

justanotherdrama · 19/04/2023 16:22

@fadaaaah
I'm so sorry to rest this it must be awful however why on earth aren't you just leaving him????
I find that bizarre
Who in their right mind would put up with that?

Fucks sakes. This is such an unhelpful response it’s ridiculous. Stop victim blaming the OP for dealing with abuse.

Iwas · 19/04/2023 16:28

OP, I get it. I was in a very similar abusive marriage, where I was always at fault, blamed for everything and told I didn't make him happy.

The sex sounded similar too.

I was stuck in this for 25 years, and then I just realised that I was never going to make him happy. He was never going to change.

I'm getting divorced now. It's been hard, but I've had a lot of support from my therapist and GP.

Please open your eyes, realise that he is not your responsibility. You have tried your best, you cannot change him. It is time for you now.

CallintheClownies · 19/04/2023 16:40

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 15:49

When I think about leaving, I only think about how devastated he would be about it and how he would make me feel like it's all my fault and that he should have known not to marry me and that I'm letting the family down. He said to me before that it's me who's letting everyone down and I have no loyalty towards him and our family. ( when I've stood up for myself and told him I'm fed up of his shit )

Show quote history

well, surely @fadaaaah you don't expect him to say any of it is HIS fault do you?

You have been brainwashed into believing that you are useless and it's your fault.

Honestly, I bet the minute you leave, he will find another woman. He will turn on the charm and then months or years later, he will start abusing her.

WitcheryDivine · 19/04/2023 18:43

I think the thing is @fadaaaah you are trusting him and taking it at face value when he brings up these so-called issues. Whereas my suspicion is he brings up these things not because he's genuinely uphappy, but as a means to keep you too busy questioning yourself and desperately trying to please him to even think about leaving him.

YouJustDoYou · 19/04/2023 18:51

"When I think about leaving, I only think about how devastated he would be about it"

NO, he really wouldn't be "devastated"!! Only "devastated" that he won't have little sex/house slave around to abuse any more, and "devastated" because he knows FULL WELL how hard it will be to find someone else to put up with his horrible abusive arse.

OP, if money is no issue as you say, LEAVE! That monster will be fine, you however won;t be. Do you really want your kids to grow up thinking that it;s okay to treat a woman like this?!!

YouJustDoYou · 19/04/2023 18:51

You owe your kids a happy mum, op, not an abused mum.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2023 18:52

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 16:18

@SpiralHecate but if I don't worry for his welfare and at least keep things ticking over for him at home, he will always be in a bad mood and angry and we will always be fighting. I worry about it, to keep him from moaning and complaining / having bad vibes, I try to make him ' happy '. I don't anyway. He's really unhappy with me anyway.

But you're really unhappy with him.

Please speak to Women's Aid. You need to get away,

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 19:07

I really don't know what to do tonight when he gets home. I might just hide upstairs.

Otherwise it will just be the usual, he'll just apologise and act normal.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 19/04/2023 19:10

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 19:07

I really don't know what to do tonight when he gets home. I might just hide upstairs.

Otherwise it will just be the usual, he'll just apologise and act normal.

You can refuse to accept his apology. You can have a conversation. You can have a row. You can stand up for yourself. You can pack a bag and go to your mum’s for the night. You can tell him to leave.

There are numerous options that don’t involve hiding upstairs and hoping the problem goes away by itself OR accepting his apology and carrying on with this. Why do you think there aren’t?

SpiralHecate · 19/04/2023 19:19

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 19:07

I really don't know what to do tonight when he gets home. I might just hide upstairs.

Otherwise it will just be the usual, he'll just apologise and act normal.

You need to have a conversation with your mother about this, the next opportunity you get. She was right in the past when she advised you to leave him.

There's a good chance he will just come home acting like nothing happened. Abusers like to keep you on your toes by blowing hot and cold, that's why he sometimes apologises to you and other times blames you. If you left him he'd probably blame you at first and then beg you to come promising he'd change. It's a cycle.

The best thing you can do right now is come to terms with the situation you're in, and unlearn what he's been telling you all these years. Don't think you can fix him and don't settle for being miserable for the rest of your life.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 20:18

I told him all the things he's been doing lately and how they've made me feel etc and that it's completely unacceptable. He did say sorry but he doesn't think he's solely responsible for how things have been between us and I'm at fault too and I also speak to him in a nasty way. I do sometimes lose it with him when he says all I do is whinge and moan and complain.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 20:24

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 20:18

I told him all the things he's been doing lately and how they've made me feel etc and that it's completely unacceptable. He did say sorry but he doesn't think he's solely responsible for how things have been between us and I'm at fault too and I also speak to him in a nasty way. I do sometimes lose it with him when he says all I do is whinge and moan and complain.

That’s not an apology. That’s not an acknowledgement of gis behaviour. That’s shifting the blame to you.

PinkArt · 19/04/2023 20:54

'Sorry but...' isn't an apology, OP. It's an asshole deflecting and finding another stick to beat you with. Please keep listening to the support you are getting here and start believing you deserve better than the scum you are currently married to.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 19/04/2023 21:43

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 15:49

When I think about leaving, I only think about how devastated he would be about it and how he would make me feel like it's all my fault and that he should have known not to marry me and that I'm letting the family down. He said to me before that it's me who's letting everyone down and I have no loyalty towards him and our family. ( when I've stood up for myself and told him I'm fed up of his shit )

Show quote history

how devastated he would be about it

For the length of time it takes him to find another bangmaid.

and how he would make me feel like it's all my fault

That's part of how he abuses you.

and that he should have known not to marry me

And that's part of how he's abusing you too, by smashing your self-worth into tiny pieces and grinding the shards into the carpet.

and that I'm letting the family down

And that's more of how he abuses you, by making supporting the family your problem instead of our problem.

He said to me before that it's me who's letting everyone down and I have no loyalty towards him and our family.

Guess what? That's more of how he's abusing you. He is saying that to manipulate you into staying because he wants to keep his bangmaid.

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