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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
OoooohMatron · 19/04/2023 07:31

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:21

What would you do ?

Show quote history

I'd leave him. I'm sorry OP but this isn't how most husband's behave.

Suzi888 · 19/04/2023 07:34

I couldn’t bring myself to go near him again ever. Would indeed fuck off to see a solicitor.

Rosula · 19/04/2023 07:35

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

Have you ever suggested to him that he can't just demand love regardless of how badly he behaves? That maybe if he tried to think about more about you and a bit less about what he wants, you might find it easier to love him?

You say he would be shocked and devastated to him if you left. You need to bring it home to him that that is what is going to happen if he doesn't learn basic human consideration.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 19/04/2023 07:38

You must break this cycle you are repeating what happened to you as a child. See a therapist to discuss this and do the freedom program to break the cycle for the sake of your children. They are already witnessing abusive behaviour by the sounds of it and will think this is normal!

Softoprider · 19/04/2023 07:38

She came here to sound off and some of the responses are as nasty as her husband is to her..........

OP What does your husband do for you ? Is leaving him not an option in your head yet

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 19/04/2023 07:45

I would echo what most of the others have said, in that you are in an abusive marriage.

Sometimes it takes a while for the fog to lift, and you go about convinced yourself that your life is ok… although you know deep down that it’s not.

Please educate yourself on relationships via The Freedom Programme, and read the book (downloadable for free) by Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?

Your Mum will always be there for you; she has your back. She knows. Talk to her.

Keep posting on here. We’re a mine of (mainly) useful information 😉

CheersForThatEh · 19/04/2023 07:46

He was a cunt.

But I think it's a bit sad on both of your parts to start negotiating "other options" like a transaction.

You're either in the mood or not. Your consent is not negotiable.

It would turn my stomach for a man to want a blow job from me knowing that I didn't really want to do it and that despite that he still wanted it.

So he was a dickhead to have a row with you but I think it's better(ish) that you rowen than him ploughing ahead with coerced consent.

Maybe counselling to address the bigger problems of the marriage. He should be ashamed for being so aggressive about it though.

bamboonights · 19/04/2023 07:51

Really brings back bad memories for me. My exH did this to me. We (inevitably) ended up divorced.

Zonder · 19/04/2023 08:00

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

This works both ways. You could say if he loved you he wouldn't treat you like this.

TicTac80 · 19/04/2023 08:02

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:34

@Youdoyoubabe yes traditional. I haven't seen much language like this in his parents house. It's fiery and I have seen some pretty savage fights between him and his mum, but it has been a while.

I come from a traditional home. Lots of verbal abuse and despicable language used. So even though I don't like what happened tonight, it doesn't really shock me. I am used to nasty words.

OP, I reckon my upbringing was more "traditional". However, not once did I ever hear my Dad raise his voice to my Mum in anger (yes he'd shout to get her attention if she was in the garden and someone was telephoning for her), or vice versa. They never swore at each other (or at us). Yes they would have disagreements, but these were talked through and resolved. Mum was never afraid of voicing an opinion, and Dad always listened to her side of things.

My Dad was the breadwinner, and my Mum stayed home to raise us from when I was born (I am the 3rd of 4 siblings): Dad was always appreciative, respectful and thankful for everything she did to keep everything sorted. He did a lot of international travel for work, and long hours, and he never forgot that it was Mum being home with us kids that enabled him to do this and progress so far with his job. He ensured she had what she wanted money wise. If she was poorly, he'd step in. If she wanted to go see her family abroad, he'd step in and facilitate that. He ate whatever was put in front of him at the dinner table (and expected us kids to do the same without fuss) and when he was home, he made sure he did as much as possible around the house and with parenting us kids. I remember once when I was little, I commented on Mum staying home whilst he went out to work (I think I was jealous of her staying at home whilst we went to school/work!): he put me straight very quickly on just how hard she worked and how lucky we all were. I never forgot that. He was born in the early 30's, and also had a traditional upbringing. I'm so sorry that your DH is doing this to you.

You mentioned that your DH would be "shocked and devastated" if you left him. Yet he treats you this way?! I wonder whether he talks to and treats his friends like that, or his work colleagues? I bet he doesn't. With love should come mutual respect, and it doesn't appear that your DH has much of either towards you. He should respect it if you don't want sex, and not be so bloody abusive. He should be thankful and appreciative for everything you do around the home. In your place, I would leave. I'm divorced (I filed the papers 4 years ago) and my life is infinitely better now.

daisydaisy11 · 19/04/2023 08:06

There is no saving the marriage. He is abusive and you cannot change someone so far gone. Leave. Quickly.

billy1966 · 19/04/2023 08:07

Oh OP,

That isn't a traditional home, that is a highly volatile, abusive one.

Just like your childhood, your children are having a similar life and will grow up expecting no better.

Terribly sad for the little mites.

He is committing a crime.

Coercive sexual control is a crime.

This is an abusive man.

How awful that you have the ability to leave but don't want to.

That is an example of the damage your childhood did to you.

Is this all you want for your children?

Leave him.

QueSyrahSyrah · 19/04/2023 08:08

He would be so shocked and devastated

Good. That's what he deserves.

OP you must realise from the strength of the comments here that while harsh language (sadly) isn't shocking to you, it is to the majority of others. It's not normal, it's not loving, it is modelling awful abusive relationships for your kids and setting them up to be abusers or abused too.

You said he thinks you don't love him enough or you'd do anything? The bare truth is he doesn't love you at all, or he wouldn't speak to you like dirt on his shoe. I speak from experience, of being (thankfully briefly) married to a Man just like your Husband.

Call your Mum this morning and make the first steps to leave, please.

Naunet · 19/04/2023 08:11

Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:37

Sorry hypothetical granny.

I mean as in close your eyes and think of England and just get on with it.

Like all the other crap one has to do on the daily when they are not in the mood for it. Like get up. Wash up. Shovel snow. Clean up dog crap. Go to work (if you don't like your job). Cook effing dinner.

Anyway, as you already know he was being utterly nasty to you when you just didn't fancy it. Could be a deal breaker as you know.

Show quote history

Jesus Christ! Firstly stop being so ageist, it’s YOU saying close your eyes and think of England, so stop trying to pretend it’s older women.

Secondly, men no longer have the right to rape their wives, no woman has to force herself to do it like a job. Sex is meant to be mutually enjoyable, not something for women to endure. Why would you suggest OP behave in a way that would traumatise her?

clpsmum · 19/04/2023 08:28

Why do you think so little of yourself you allow this. Get him to fuck off!!

LizzieW1969 · 19/04/2023 08:29

SemperIdem · 19/04/2023 00:27

Whose granny?!

Mine most certainly would not say any such thing! She’d be appalled and encourage I left him.

Show quote history

My DM used to say this. (She’s 83 now.) When I was struggling to come to terms with the CSA I went through at the hands of my F and others. She really did think that wives had to ‘submit’ to their husbands when they wanted sex, a misunderstanding of Christian teaching about marriage. (She was also a CSA survivor at the hands of her uncle growing up.)

Thankfully for me, my DH was appalled at the thought, as any decent man would be. Because they care about their partner’s needs rather than their own.

Your H’s behaviour really isn’t that of a loving partner, OP. What he’s doing is bullying you one minute and emotionally blackmailing you the next, in order to get what he wants.

clpsmum · 19/04/2023 08:30

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:30

@Thepeopleversuswork I am not happy about it. But part of me feels bad because I haven't ' put out ' regularly for a long time and he is frustrated about it.

So what did he is? That doesn't give him the right to treat you like that. You don't owe him sex. I would leave the abusive bastard and tell him happy wanking

ClairDeLaLune · 19/04/2023 08:33

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

If he loved you enough he wouldn’t be expecting this of you. It’s control not love. I’m really sorry OP, you’re in an abusive relationship. You need to try to find the strength to get out of it.

Nevermind31 · 19/04/2023 08:35

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:34

@Youdoyoubabe yes traditional. I haven't seen much language like this in his parents house. It's fiery and I have seen some pretty savage fights between him and his mum, but it has been a while.

I come from a traditional home. Lots of verbal abuse and despicable language used. So even though I don't like what happened tonight, it doesn't really shock me. I am used to nasty words.

And is this what you want your children to think is normal? Or are you ready to break the cycle and build a loving, normal home for them where they can learn to be treated, and to treat other people, with respect?
you are not responsible for his happiness. You are not his skivvy or sex doll. Your marriage is not normal, or a partnership. That is not your fault, it’s his.

CherryCokeFanatic · 19/04/2023 08:38

You should not tolerate that kind of language and treatment.

If you really want to stay with him, you need to talk and tell him that is unacceptable. If you sympathise at all about the lack of intimacy could you consider an alternative like he seeks physical intimacy elsewhere?

Dis626 · 19/04/2023 08:39

No way would I put up with that. He sounds awful. I'd be leaving if it was me.

ClairDeLaLune · 19/04/2023 08:40

Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:25

Dunno about the dressing up and all that. Eff that. But your granny would probably say just close your eyes and think of England. Not very mumsnetty to do that though.

He sounds an absolute beast to speak to you like that about it and needs a stern talking to maybe by your Mum.... or Dad or both. Very bloody rude and certainly wouldn't work to get anyone to change their mind and opt for a bunk up afterall.

Wtf have I just read? OP please do not just close your eyes and think of England or any country. If you don’t want to have sex don’t do it, and don’t let him coerce you into it. I can’t think of much less likely to turn me than someone shouting at me for not having sex.

CheekyHobson · 19/04/2023 08:41

He would be so shocked and devastated

As he expects that you will continue to put up with him swearing at you and demeaning you, and 'put out' sexual availability at his demand, no matter how you feel. That's what he expects a wife to do.

Is that what you expect a wife to do?

He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

Accept abuse from him. Have sex when you don't want to.

That kind of anything?

Would you expect someone you love to do that?

Helenahandkart · 19/04/2023 08:41

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:30

@Thepeopleversuswork I am not happy about it. But part of me feels bad because I haven't ' put out ' regularly for a long time and he is frustrated about it.

Oh mate…
I hate the mumsnet threads where everyone piles on and tells the OP to leave their partner, but in this case…
This isn’t acceptable. He shouldn’t ever talk to you like this. Regardless of whether you ‘put out’ for him or not.

If the physical side of your relationship isn’t working then you both sit down together and talk about it, he doesn’t just get to abuse you and swear at you and demand sex. That isn’t ok at all.
His behaviour is monstrous, and you deserve better.

I didn’t ‘put out’ for my husband for a long while while I was having a difficult time. He was sad and we had a lot of upsetting talks but he would never have sworn at me or insisted I do anything I didn’t want to do.
A decent man doesn’t behave like your partner. Please don’t put up with this. There are so many good men out there for you. X