I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

[fadaaaah]

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

That's abuse. Pure and simple. Even sulking because you didn't want sex would be bad, this is on a whole new level.

What do you think you should do about it?

You need to stand up to him and call him out on his rapey attitude. Go as deep as you can shock him and make him feel like a potential rapist. He doesn't own your body.

I was married to a man like this. This kind of sexual behaviour, financial abuse, suicide threats, physical threats and gaslighting. I was young and naive and whilst I knew it couldn't be normal, I put up with it for too long before I finally came to my senses and left him. I went to a friend's place one day and never saw him again.

This is an abusive situation. Please leave - life will be immeasurably better, I promise you. I put myself back together, and fast forward a decade and I'm now married to a kind, respectful and loving man and have beautiful kids with him. Life can be sweet. Be strong. X

This was my (abusive) ex. It's rubbish, of course.

Your mum can see what's going on. Of course he is 'apologetic' - until the next time. You will continue on in this very negative, destructive cycle. Your children will be exposed to this growing up and it will in turn affect their lives.

Ew he sounds disgusting and abusive!

Your husband is a monster. I have been where you are. Get out now! This is an emotionally damaging and abusive relationship and your husband is a disgrace.
Imagine speaking to anyone like that? I couldn't even speak to a stranger like that. Let alone your WIFE, the woman you made vows to. It turns my stomach.

My current partner would never say anything at all like this to me, even when we get into a heated argument, he never name calls me. EVER. whereas my ex using to call me a dirty pig, a slt, whre etc! It is completely demoralizing and says a lot about your husband. I'm still recovering from the emotional abuse I received despite being in an amazing relationship now.

Get out as soon as you can!!!

He’s trying to bully you into sex… that’s rape. Leave him.

How far are you going to let this abhorrent behaviour progress before you leave. You are eventually going to leave, the question is how damaged are you going to be when it ends.

Apologies rolling in now.. predictable now.

This is who he is. This is life with him. It won't improve as he ages.

You can't change him. You can't change this situation.

Do you want to live with it?

But what will you do OP? Lots of advice on here, you must know it's absolutely unacceptable behaviour on his part. He has apologised, what will YOU do?

Ok that makes sense. RE your post from last night:

fadaaaah · Today 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better. In another life you tell him he knows where the washing machine is and he's welcome to put a load on any time.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again. In another life, you point out that you both live there and suggest that you both take some time to crack the tidying up together.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault. It's his cupboard, in another life you just say you've got enough on and his cupboard is his business.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault. In another life, you tell him that if he doesn't like it you're not going to force him to eat it and there's toast if he wants an alternative, the toaster is there.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless! In another life - which is actually this very life but all this involves you feeling your power, strength, equality and worthiness of goddam decency and respect - you turn your anger and frustration onto him and explain that all this stuff is a joint responsibility and while you're happy to take on most of the home stuff that doesn't make it ok for him to be rude and shouty around you and the kids. If he wants things to be different you are equals so you sit down calmly and talk them out together. If he continues to make life so unpleasant for you and the kids this relationship is going to be in serious trouble.

@fadaaaah I do realise that seeing this alternative reality must be hard since you've been trained from birth to be in the wrong. But you're not. He is.

Why the eye roll as if you are fed up? Everyone has basically said the same thing, your mum also said the same and is probably fed up too. It's not easy to leave, but you can if you want to. You just need to want to.

FGS OP, be the captain of your own ship. Don't let him teach your children to be the next abusive generation. Get you and them out! Shocking to put them and yourself through this. Get a backbone, get rid! He's an arsehole.

Then be the unpredictable one and do something different this time. You said you have money. Get help from WA, call your mother, and make plans to leave.

Did you marry my ex? Notice how I say ex
It gets worse believe me. What you're putting up with now is peaceful, compared to what's to come.
My mum grew up in that kind of house. I grew up in that kind of house. I had my son living in that kind of house. I was an idiot.
Just over a year of freedom. My son won't remember, thankfully hes too young. I broke the cycle. For the sake of your children, please do the same.

@fadaaaah for reference; I couldn’t have sex for a year after surgery and my DH made me feel nothing but moved and beautiful and I didn’t have to “service” him as you put it in other ways. That’s normal and loving.

By what you are saying he seems to be using you as an emotional/ verbal punchbag.
Not in the mood for sex, he swears at you.
"wrong" thing for dinner, can't find something, his cupboard is a mess, ..... any excuse for him to complain and take it out on you so that you think these are your "fault" and walk on eggshells. This is not normal or healthy.
Does he behave this way with other people (colleagues, friends,...). My guess is he doesn't which means he knows how to behave appropriately and control his temper. Instead he is storing up his frustrations and unleashing them in you verbally using any pretext he can find. He needs to stop or you need to remove yourself and your children from that toxicity.

I was with someone like this. I got to the age of 36 and I realised I’d been with him for half my life and even though the stress of leaving was horrendous, I didn’t want to delay it because I knew that I’d have to leave at some point. My conscious brain was screaming at me to stay because I knew it would be hell, and yet somehow something took over and I left.

You’re prone to guilt and that’s making you feel that unless you’re perfect all the time, you’re not entitled to your feelings. I felt guilty for years and years. Ultimately I don’t think men and women are meant to be having sex with the same person for many years. Men cope with it better because their sex drives are usually higher but women seem to lose their attraction for a man after a few years. You need to find a man who isn’t a sex pest because as you get older the situation will get worse.

Please don't be thinking this is normal or acceptable.

I will never understand these threads.

I think though, a lot depends on how strong/well-resourced we have been in our childhoods - as to whether we feel strong enough to say "Ta Da I am off" or whether we stay in these roles.

At first sight I read the OP and think - "wow this is bonkers". But then perhaps thats unfair. perhaps I have had the strength/energy to feel "no way would i put up with this" because of how I have been raised/how supported I feel.

Not sure....

But yes absolutely my reaction to OP is very much along lines of telling him "meh - you are shit, so I am off".

I know that you've been pulled up on this, but don't go around saying this shit. My GM was born 1910, she separated from her husband for less than the OP is putting up with. Lucky for her he hated the UK and just left. The women I knew in her age group were happy that divorce and being financially independent was available to us, they recognised abuse and what it did to the children.

OP there are a lot of issues in your marriage and if you are going to stay in it, you need boundaries and agreements, that includes zero tolerance and timescales. If you do decide to leave, don't tell him. Use the advice that you've had on here.

How you are raised is absolutely going to affect how you deal with an abusive relationship.
But somebody has to break the cycle and only you can do that for yourself.
How do you feel now he has apologised OP?
Is it enough, do you feel better?
Can you see it happening again and if so what will accepting his apology done to change anything?
If you WANT to change the cycle only YOU can do that.

Gggggggaaaahhhh. Auto correct. Yes. Autonomy. Thank you.

If I were you I would do what he says...shut up fuck off and never ever look back. He's vile.