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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 19/04/2023 01:07

Seeleyboo · 19/04/2023 01:02

You have amoninity over your body. It's yours. You say who or when and how. He is a disgusting, coercive, abusive, rapey sex pest. You're asking people, what should you do. Absolutely end it. Value yourself and your body. Find a man who will respect you, your space, your thoughts, and your body. It will get worse. Give yourself a huge hug OP. You shouldn't be treated this way.

amoninity

Autonomy?

OP, women in your situation are why I donate to Women's Aid. Please leave him.

HRTQueen · 19/04/2023 01:08

the only person being unreasonable is your husband

he is a bully and this is abusive behaviour and I expect this is not the first time. A pattern of such behaviour can make anyone question themselves he hasn’t shown respect because HE chooses not to

please look into moving on. The Freedom Programme is very good on helping you understand the situation you are in as it can be so confusing and overwhelming and too often we blame ourselves

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

please clear your searches after though

and there will be sone great support on here (sadly a few idiots will always make comments)

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2023 01:10

Why do you think a traditional household means verbal abuse?

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:10

You can financially leave, why haven't you?
Part of you knows this isn't normal or right and that's why you've posted on MN.
So on some level at least you realise it's messed up. You have the resources to leave from money and family support. Why haven't you left? Or do you just want to chat about it?

dizzydizzydizzy · 19/04/2023 01:21

OP, you can get someone in real life to talk to. Contact Women's Aid and they will give you a support worker. They are very knowledgeable about domestic abuse.

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 19/04/2023 01:24

HRTQueen · 19/04/2023 01:08

the only person being unreasonable is your husband

he is a bully and this is abusive behaviour and I expect this is not the first time. A pattern of such behaviour can make anyone question themselves he hasn’t shown respect because HE chooses not to

please look into moving on. The Freedom Programme is very good on helping you understand the situation you are in as it can be so confusing and overwhelming and too often we blame ourselves

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

please clear your searches after though

and there will be sone great support on here (sadly a few idiots will always make comments)

Use a Private browsing session. All browsers have this feature now.

fryanddry · 19/04/2023 01:36

I’m not surprised you don’t want to Fck him he sounds repulsive
why do you feel like you need to “service him” ?
you don’t have to do that

OldFan · 19/04/2023 01:44

I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

He's abusive and manipulative in all sorts of ways @fadaaaah .

Please separate from him permanently x

A truly traditional home would not have verbal abuse. I don't think verbal abuse is prescribed in any religious text and it's not compulsory to any culture.

You've experienced abuse in childhood, but that doesn't make being abused ok or unavoidable.

You can have your freedom and a life of peace.

And if you feel like looking for a new partner at some point, there are men of all cultures who are decent too. Once you're free, never put up with any abuse or manipulation of any kind again.

OldFan · 19/04/2023 01:47

I agree with PP's, I did the Freedom Programme and it was great. Ideally in person. Most women don't do it in real life until they're free of their abuser so they can do so safely. But you could do the online course, or in person if you think you could do it while he was at work or something.

fryanddry · 19/04/2023 01:49

I just read your other comments, he sounds just like my narcissistic ex,
if he lost his keys it was my fault, if he forgot something it was my fault, if he crashed his car it was my fault for “stressing him out” and he would never apologise or take responsibility for anything he did

you are in an abusive marriage, he does not respect you as a person , it sounds like he doesn’t even really like you that much
he most likely views you as a service like babysitter/cleaner/wife all the same to him.. that’s why he rages at you because he thinks you are subordinate to him

what he is doing is breaking down your self esteem until you have no confidence to leave him
you do not have to put up with this, you deserve much better

Weatherwax13 · 19/04/2023 01:49

Leave him. Seriously. You absolutely don't deserve this

Outliers · 19/04/2023 02:02

Why does it have to be so hard

Higher libido perhaps

Melodybogwot · 19/04/2023 03:02

@Outliers Confused

Titusgroan · 19/04/2023 03:15

Initially I thought you’re not sexually compatible but reading through your threads in isolation it’s clear that you are being abused.
So much so that you have lost all confidence, don’t have a life of your own and think everything is your fault.

Alarms bells are ringing.
This isn’t going to get any better.
He already knows what he does is wrong as he apologises. But he keeps abusing you. Nothing you do is right, everything has to be his way and you are starting to believe him.

You’re becoming a victim and a shadow of yourself,

Have you watched the Stepford wives. That’s what you will become.
I would seriously consider you ask him to leave on a trial separation. You can then see what life is like for once without anger and abuse and maybe he will learn to appreciate you.

user1492757084 · 19/04/2023 03:18

Get him an appointment to anger management and ask him to move out permanently.
Only allow him supervised visits with the kids until he shows the anger is under control.

BringItOnxxx · 19/04/2023 04:05

It sounds like you have been socialised, like many women, to believe that you are responsible for a man's happiness and wellbeing, instead of your own. That's the problem - you feel he's entitled to sex, housekeeping etc but what are you entitled to? Your relationship is based on outdated and abusive ideas.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/04/2023 04:10

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

He's obviously a twat, and you should do the freedom programme and leave so your children don't grow up in this awful situation.

changeme4this · 19/04/2023 05:08

DH's ex partner used to say there are no frigid women, only incompetent men.

if you are getting nothing out of the physical side of the relationship, and the emotional is dragging you down, I think your way forward is either seeking counselling together where you can talk about what is going on with someone professional enough and not related (such as mum) to give advice, or get out of the relationship.

there is nothing worse than someone continually running you down/blaming you.

Guavafish1 · 19/04/2023 06:00

If you had a daughter, imagine what you'd say to her if her hypothetical husband was treating her the same way.

You can't change someone else, you can't only change yourself.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 06:32

You can’t or won’t see it, OP

If you refuse to leave him and his appalling abuse, I just ask that you protect your children from him. Because he will start on them.

GGBOY · 19/04/2023 06:47

Urgh he’s horrible please leave .

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/04/2023 06:53

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

Yet he’s supposed to love you and shouts and swears at you because you won’t let him coerce you into kinky sex. Seems legit.

Fraaahnces · 19/04/2023 07:17

I would tell him “You’re right. I don’t love you enough to tolerate being spoken to like this. I don’t love you enough to allow you to continue abusing me. I have too much love for the kids to allow them to grow up like this and just enough self-respect left to know that I deserve better than this. Get out before I press charges.”

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 07:27

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2023 23:23

Why are you choosing to live like this?

The victim blaming on this thread is disgusting.

Houseplantmad · 19/04/2023 07:30

So you're happy for your DCs to witness all the behaviour you've described and to grow up thinking this is normal in a relationship? It's not.