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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:22

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:21

My mum keeps saying she wants to talk to him..

Show quote history

That wont stop him being abusive.

it is better that you talk to your mum and work out how to leave him quietly.

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/04/2023 00:23

Your husband is a textbook misogynist. Next step for him would be rape. Angry you won't give in to his demands, logically he will just take what he wants because he is "entitled".

Run.

PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:23

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

If he loved you at all he wouldn't be abusive.

he is a liar.

SemperIdem · 19/04/2023 00:24

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:20

He would be so shocked and devastated

Show quote history

He would be shocked that you have taken control back. He has shocked, decanted and hurt you with his actions. Why should you suffer in silence to protect his dignity?

If you are not sexually compatible then it is absolutely ok for him to end the relationship. It is not ok for him to abuse you, and that is what he is doing. His actions are not those of a loving partner but those of an abuser.

Vee1987 · 19/04/2023 00:25

To echo all other posters, this is so far from normal and this is not a ‘huff’ as you say. It’s abusive. Even if you hadn’t shared any intimate moments for a very, very long time and this was something he missed, he could talk to you about it calmly and respectfully.

I’d also leave. I’d find the thought of kissing him even repulsive.

Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:25

Dunno about the dressing up and all that. Eff that. But your granny would probably say just close your eyes and think of England. Not very mumsnetty to do that though.

He sounds an absolute beast to speak to you like that about it and needs a stern talking to maybe by your Mum.... or Dad or both. Very bloody rude and certainly wouldn't work to get anyone to change their mind and opt for a bunk up afterall.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 19/04/2023 00:25

OP I used to have a husband like that. Note, I said ‘used to’. It took over 7 years for me to leave him, that long to gather the strength, as I was so used to being physically, emotionally, financially, verbally and sexually abused by him. In the end I wasted 15 precious years of my life on him. Please don’t do that! Yes it’s hard being a single mum but it’s SO MUCH easier than being in an abusive marriage.

Pallisers · 19/04/2023 00:26

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:20

He would be so shocked and devastated

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with the greatest of respect OP, SO FUCKING WHAT if he is shocked and devastated (he won't be by the way - he'll be angry)

This is one of those posts I hope are not real. You have no financial reason to stay, you have a mother supporting you, you have family and friends. And yet you put up with this utter horrible abusive rapey behaviour.

Come on OP you can do better. At the very least do the freedom programme, get some therapy for yourself, teach yourself to realise that his life and moods and needs are not more important that yours.

I really do hope that this isn't true - just a joke. That someone would willingly live like this. I would be beside myself if I were your mum and I can well understand why she stopped telling you to leave.

SemperIdem · 19/04/2023 00:27

Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:25

Dunno about the dressing up and all that. Eff that. But your granny would probably say just close your eyes and think of England. Not very mumsnetty to do that though.

He sounds an absolute beast to speak to you like that about it and needs a stern talking to maybe by your Mum.... or Dad or both. Very bloody rude and certainly wouldn't work to get anyone to change their mind and opt for a bunk up afterall.

Whose granny?!

Mine most certainly would not say any such thing! She’d be appalled and encourage I left him.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/04/2023 00:29

I’m sorry OP. This is terrible.

I hope you can find the strength to leave

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 19/04/2023 00:29

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

This is textbook abuse. Run, do not walk.

Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:30

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

Can I ask does your DP come from a very traditional upbringing? Kind of old fashioned?

Also does he come from a household where people do say that kind of thing to each other regularly. I do know families where that kind of language is thrown around and people get really angry with each other about stuff. My parents were a bit like that actually. Not swearing but lots of arguing. Our family is less shouty but I think we have had less (so far, stresses to deal with).

ReallyTryingTo · 19/04/2023 00:33

What a guy! He's the joke

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:34

@Youdoyoubabe yes traditional. I haven't seen much language like this in his parents house. It's fiery and I have seen some pretty savage fights between him and his mum, but it has been a while.

I come from a traditional home. Lots of verbal abuse and despicable language used. So even though I don't like what happened tonight, it doesn't really shock me. I am used to nasty words.

OP posts:
Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:37

SemperIdem · 19/04/2023 00:27

Whose granny?!

Mine most certainly would not say any such thing! She’d be appalled and encourage I left him.

Show quote history

Sorry hypothetical granny.

I mean as in close your eyes and think of England and just get on with it.

Like all the other crap one has to do on the daily when they are not in the mood for it. Like get up. Wash up. Shovel snow. Clean up dog crap. Go to work (if you don't like your job). Cook effing dinner.

Anyway, as you already know he was being utterly nasty to you when you just didn't fancy it. Could be a deal breaker as you know.

lechatnoir · 19/04/2023 00:38

You need to break the cycle of abuse for your children's sake even if you don't see it for yourself. You can live a life on your own free from nasty words and fear of being attacked physically and verbally. Please reach out to people in real life - women's aid and the Freedom program would be a good place to start.

myexwasanarcissisticpig · 19/04/2023 00:39

Sounds like my ex!
I really feel for you.

dresstime · 19/04/2023 00:47

’Put out’ this piece of rubbish and change the locks

🔐

Youdoyoubabe · 19/04/2023 00:51

Yes, you really need to think on this very carefully and think ahead to your future life and think is this the best I can have in life. I think you deserve better.

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 00:52

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:34

@Youdoyoubabe yes traditional. I haven't seen much language like this in his parents house. It's fiery and I have seen some pretty savage fights between him and his mum, but it has been a while.

I come from a traditional home. Lots of verbal abuse and despicable language used. So even though I don't like what happened tonight, it doesn't really shock me. I am used to nasty words.

Is this the home life you want for your kids?

PinkArt · 19/04/2023 00:56

That's because when hypothetical granny was young marital rape was still legal @Youdoyoubabe. Thankfully we've moved on from that and the OP is under no obligation to 'do her duty' to her rapey asshole of a husband.
OP, echoing others giving you support to find a way out of this. You owe no-one sex. He sounds awful and abusive and I hope you and your kids can get away before it escalates into anything even worse. It sounds like your mum has got your back here, please talk to her.

Mamanyt · 19/04/2023 00:58

It doesn't have to be this hard, it should not be this hard, and you should take steps to get out of that marriage. You are being abused, even if it is not physical. No one has the right, even a husband, to demand sex, and then push it that hard when you have said no...regardless of the reason. I'll allow an occasional, "Oh, come on, Baby, are you sure?" But only when the "Yes, I'm sure" ends the discussion.

And just to drive this home, shouting at you, following to shout more, can indicate the possibility of this sort of thing escalating.

Seeleyboo · 19/04/2023 01:02

You have amoninity over your body. It's yours. You say who or when and how. He is a disgusting, coercive, abusive, rapey sex pest. You're asking people, what should you do. Absolutely end it. Value yourself and your body. Find a man who will respect you, your space, your thoughts, and your body. It will get worse. Give yourself a huge hug OP. You shouldn't be treated this way.

EllandRd · 19/04/2023 01:04

Leave him, you deserve better the abusive twat

savethatkitty · 19/04/2023 01:06

He sounds delightful, no wonder you don't want to bone him.