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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been told to Fuck off / shut up / and get out by H for not wanting sex

265 replies

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:15

I offered other more simple ' services ' to him, but he kept pushing for more. We hadn't started anything physical.

I said from the beginning, I'm not up for it at all, but happy to focus on his needs and not get too involved.

He kept wanting to do all this stuff ( dress up etc ), but i had already said that I wanted no part of that this evening, but I am happy to make him happy if he would like.

I got told to fuck off and get out. I left, then he later came in to the room where I was to get something and he again told me to leave him alone.

He shouted from where he was that I was a joke.

I am still awake, but half expecting him to come in and have a go at me again. He is in such a huff.

Why does it have to be so hard !

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 19/04/2023 00:04

Shanni98 · 19/04/2023 00:01

Well even if she does have children why would you want to have them around something so toxic?

Is this a regular thing he does?

Have you ever heard of an abusive relationship before or is the concept entirely new to you, because you’re 12?

Shanni98 · 19/04/2023 00:06

12? I have two kids of my own and I know for a fact I wouldn't be letting nobody disrespect me especially Infront of my kids.

PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:07

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:52

Sorry. I just don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Show quote history

A friend of mines husband was exactly like this. Unbearable of she didnt have sex with him very regularly whether she wanted to or not.

he then started isolating her from her friends

Many many more things but now she literally doesnt know of she is the abusive one as he has done such a number on her.

@fadaaaah do you feel safe tonight?

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:07

ClairDeLaLune · 18/04/2023 23:59

Do you have kids together OP?

Why don’t you have anyone to talk to, does he control who you see?

I do have people in my life, he doesn't stop me from seeing anyone. But I have small kids, so I am a bit isolated. I don't have much of a social life going on.

I talk to my mum about it sometimes. She gets angry about it. She used to say maybe I should leave him. But then she stopped saying that.

Money not really an issue, in terms of leaving. That's not what is stopping me.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:09

Shanni98 · 19/04/2023 00:06

12? I have two kids of my own and I know for a fact I wouldn't be letting nobody disrespect me especially Infront of my kids.

You're being a prick. Stop it and grow up.

Shanni98 · 19/04/2023 00:10

Eh how is me saying why would you want your children round someone so toxic been a prick?????? Clearly it's a on going thing?

PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:10

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:07

I do have people in my life, he doesn't stop me from seeing anyone. But I have small kids, so I am a bit isolated. I don't have much of a social life going on.

I talk to my mum about it sometimes. She gets angry about it. She used to say maybe I should leave him. But then she stopped saying that.

Money not really an issue, in terms of leaving. That's not what is stopping me.

Show quote history

Youre mum will support you. It sounds like she is waiting for you to come to the realisation for yourself.

why not make a plan to speak to her about your options to leave him?

tell your friends. They will support you.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:11

He may apologise tomorrow and just expect me to be OK about it. He will say he was just angry/ frustrated and didn't mean it.

He says hurtful things and then he apologises and says he was just angry and didn't mean it.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:12

Shanni98 · 19/04/2023 00:10

Eh how is me saying why would you want your children round someone so toxic been a prick?????? Clearly it's a on going thing?

Each and every post you write shows how ignorant you are. Just stop. Youre not adding anything of value to this thread with a woman who is in distress. Dont make this about you.

PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:13

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:11

He may apologise tomorrow and just expect me to be OK about it. He will say he was just angry/ frustrated and didn't mean it.

He says hurtful things and then he apologises and says he was just angry and didn't mean it.

That is what abusers do. It is very typical abusive behaviour. It is designed to make you question yourself and stay.

Shanni98 · 19/04/2023 00:13

Wow what because I'm saying what everyone else have said??? Look back everyone else said leave him get your shit and go but you just want to single me out??

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 19/04/2023 00:15

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:11

He may apologise tomorrow and just expect me to be OK about it. He will say he was just angry/ frustrated and didn't mean it.

He says hurtful things and then he apologises and says he was just angry and didn't mean it.

All abusers do that.

I wish I could somehow upload my memory to you so you could feel the sheer elation of kicking him out and knowing you can go to bed without being pestered or pressured for sex ever again. I think it was the most joyful I've ever felt in my life, that first night without him.

BritInAus · 19/04/2023 00:16

It's great that money isn't stopping you leaving. Hopefully you can speak to a friend or your mum and start making plans to leave.

I hope you realise what he's doing is abusive. Whether he says sorry or not, or does it all the time or just sometimes, or is 'normal' between those times, it's still abuse. It certainly isn't normal and it's definitely not ok.

HyacinthBookay · 19/04/2023 00:16

fadaaaah · 18/04/2023 23:30

@Thepeopleversuswork I am not happy about it. But part of me feels bad because I haven't ' put out ' regularly for a long time and he is frustrated about it.

Of course you haven't "put out" who would feel desire for a man who treats them like that? He is hateful.

I hope you can gain the support to get out of the horrible situation that you are in.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 19/04/2023 00:17

@fadaaaah real men are okay with masturbating and being satisfied with that if you are saying no for ANY reason.
real men take the no answer and get on with the day.
your fellow is immature and abusive and this is unhealthy for you and for your children.
don't believe his apology (it's insincere and he will do the same bs song and danse next month).

let him know you mean business and tell him your exit plan. this is no way to live.
stay safe and that includes safe from coercive control and emotional abuse as well as sexual abuse.

PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:19

It’s never enough. He will never be happy. He will punish you because he is abusive. And he will get worse. you have the means and a mother who has told you repeatedly to leave. Tell her tomorrow you think youre ready to make that step.

Rosula · 19/04/2023 00:19

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:16

@PaigeMatthews yeah I feel similarly in the sense that I do take on the guilt and responsibility for why he is angry.

Has no clean shirts or socks or whatever, gets angry with me and I take it on as my fault. I try to do better.

Can't find something and the house is disorganised - again, angry, huffing and puffing- I take it on as my fault again.

His cupboard is a mess, he is angry about it and again, I feel like it's my fault.

He is not happy with dinner, again, my fault.

He works a lot, so I take on a lot of the home stuff and then he's not happy about how I have done it. It's never enough really. I feel pretty useless!

Tell him that, as you washing/tidying/cooking services are so unsatisfactory, clearly you need to leave it all to him to sort out.

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 00:20

Your mum is wise.
she gets angry because she sees her daughter is in an abusive relationship. The fact she has now stopped doesn’t mean she condones this. She doesn’t. She’s probably been reading up about dv and backing off until the person realises.

How many people will it take?
how far are you going to let this behaviour goes?
a slap? A punch? Thrown across the room? He starts on the children?

it’s also the mo of the abuser to apologise. If they were truly sorry it wouldn’t happen again. They would be ashamed on themselves

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:20

PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:19

It’s never enough. He will never be happy. He will punish you because he is abusive. And he will get worse. you have the means and a mother who has told you repeatedly to leave. Tell her tomorrow you think youre ready to make that step.

He would be so shocked and devastated

OP posts:
HyacinthBookay · 19/04/2023 00:20

redbigbananafeet · 18/04/2023 23:35

I find these threads so frustrating. OP will visit the moon before she leaves him. I'm not sure why people post.

It's incredibly sad.

PaigeMatthews · 19/04/2023 00:21

fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:20

He would be so shocked and devastated

Show quote history

Only because he is losing control of you. Not because he cares about you.

SemperIdem · 19/04/2023 00:21

Shanni98 · 19/04/2023 00:06

12? I have two kids of my own and I know for a fact I wouldn't be letting nobody disrespect me especially Infront of my kids.

Because abusive relationships only happen to weak women?

You are so ignorant and offensive.

Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:21

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 00:20

Your mum is wise.
she gets angry because she sees her daughter is in an abusive relationship. The fact she has now stopped doesn’t mean she condones this. She doesn’t. She’s probably been reading up about dv and backing off until the person realises.

How many people will it take?
how far are you going to let this behaviour goes?
a slap? A punch? Thrown across the room? He starts on the children?

it’s also the mo of the abuser to apologise. If they were truly sorry it wouldn’t happen again. They would be ashamed on themselves

My mum keeps saying she wants to talk to him..

OP posts:
Original poster
fadaaaah · 19/04/2023 00:22

@PaigeMatthews I think he thinks I don't love him enough. He thinks if I loved him, I would do anything for him.

OP posts: