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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely heartbroken by this comment made by a 5 year old

291 replies

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:15

My job involves working with kids. Today, a teary eyed little girl told me this: "I don't see my daddy because mummy said that he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to bother with me"

Why on earth would you tell this to your 5 year old child?! Haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Made me want to cry 😢

OP posts:
DunkingMyDonuts · 18/04/2023 19:17

Ah that is heart-breaking. Poor little mite 😢

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 18/04/2023 19:25

I’d have to repeat this back to the mother and describe the distressed state of the daughter.

Lolaandbehold · 18/04/2023 19:30

Can you talk to the mum? I mean even if it’s true, how does that woman think that a 5 year old has the emotional capacity to deal with that.
That’s made me sad too.

bellinisurge · 18/04/2023 19:32

Poor little love. Even if the Dad is a wanker, if she doesn't see him, her mum shouldn't spell that shit out. Make something up ffs. Or say Daddy loves you but it's difficult for him to see you.

LBFseBrom · 18/04/2023 19:32

I feel very sad for the child. Nobody should have told her that, least of all her mother.

Quveas · 18/04/2023 19:36

It's upsetting that any parent dissent cats enough to see their child. But in all honesty, what is the better explanation? Your dad has been super busy for five years? He didn't realise it's your birthday / Christmas/ other meaningful date? Kids recognise lies, even lies told to protect them. OP, you have no idea what goes on in someone's life - don't judge them until you have walked in their shoes.

Quveas · 18/04/2023 19:38

Dissent cats? Bugger. Doesn't care!

Restinggoddess · 18/04/2023 19:39

Sadly parents point score and stupidly say such things to their children- you need to call it out with the mother, it’s selfish, stupid and will have a long term impact upon the child

Snoopyandthemuppets · 18/04/2023 19:40

You need to report this under safe guarding to your line manager - word for word, time, place,

if you work with kids there should be a safeguarding lead in place

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 19:40

What lie would you prefer?

herlightmaterials · 18/04/2023 19:41

Mum is obviously heartbroken. A gentle word might help her see the damage her words are causing. Perhaps you could suggest another way of putting it. "You're sad you don't see daddy anymore and I am too. There's nothing I can do to change this but I love you and will always be here for you."

BitOutOfPractice · 18/04/2023 19:42

That’s the sad fact of the matter, it’s probably true. But no child of 5 should have to know that. Poor little thing.

BabyofMine · 18/04/2023 19:42

Snoopyandthemuppets · 18/04/2023 19:40

You need to report this under safe guarding to your line manager - word for word, time, place,

if you work with kids there should be a safeguarding lead in place

Why though? If it’s true? Why should a Mother cover up for an indifferent neglectful father? It’s hurtful but life hurts. What lie would they tell instead of the truth?

RudsyFarmer · 18/04/2023 19:44

What did you say to the child? In my role I would have been passing that onto to someone higher up than me and I suspect it might have been noted down digitally as a pastoral concern.

MysweetAudrina · 18/04/2023 19:45

Better she realises now rather than holding out hope. Sometimes the truth hurts but it's not the mother at fault here.

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Quveas · 18/04/2023 19:36

It's upsetting that any parent dissent cats enough to see their child. But in all honesty, what is the better explanation? Your dad has been super busy for five years? He didn't realise it's your birthday / Christmas/ other meaningful date? Kids recognise lies, even lies told to protect them. OP, you have no idea what goes on in someone's life - don't judge them until you have walked in their shoes.

Whatever is going on in someone's life, it is not at all appropriate to tell a 5 year old child that their dad basically doesn't give a shit about them. I had to comfort a distraught little girl today, who was clearly heartbroken at her mothers words. ANY explanation would have been better than the one her mother gave! Of course, as a child gets older, I think it's important to be honest with them if they have an absent parent, but in no way do I think that telling a five year old child this information (who doesn't even have the emotional capacity to process this) is ok. So yes, I will judge all I like thanks, because I'm the one who has to deal with a crying child all day.

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 18/04/2023 19:45

There are some very emotionally stunted people on here.

How about mummy and daddy had an argument? Daddy isn't a good man and we have to keep away from him for a while? Daddy is far away?

Basically anything that doesn't blame the child and destroys their self worth out the gate.

user1473878824 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 19:40

What lie would you prefer?

Are you joking?!?? You think it’s better to tell a five year old her daddy doesn’t care about her is better than a lie?!

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Snoopyandthemuppets · 18/04/2023 19:40

You need to report this under safe guarding to your line manager - word for word, time, place,

if you work with kids there should be a safeguarding lead in place

Have reported it already.

OP posts:
Brieandme · 18/04/2023 19:46

That's really sad. It isn't automatically true either - my mum said the same to us as children - that he'd left because he'd decided he didn't want children after all. Turned out he'd applied for full custody and backed down after threats she made to him.

Even if dad is useless, there's ways of explaining it to children that are less hurtful

user1473878824 · 18/04/2023 19:46

There are some truly awful parents on this thread, clearly.

TeenDivided · 18/04/2023 19:46

BabyofMine · 18/04/2023 19:42

Why though? If it’s true? Why should a Mother cover up for an indifferent neglectful father? It’s hurtful but life hurts. What lie would they tell instead of the truth?

Show quote history

Because it is damaging to a young child to be told this. It is about being age appropriate.

moonspiral · 18/04/2023 19:46

Even if it is true there are better ways of telling a kid their dad isn't in their life any more

TeeBee · 18/04/2023 19:48

Poor little thing, how fucking heartbreaking

SarahAndQuack · 18/04/2023 19:53

Poor little girl.

Do bear in mind that it may not be that the mum said this to her child. It is the sort of thing I can imagine a very upset mother saying to someone else (eg., on the phone to a friend and unaware her daughter can hear), and the child overhearing.