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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely heartbroken by this comment made by a 5 year old

291 replies

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:15

My job involves working with kids. Today, a teary eyed little girl told me this: "I don't see my daddy because mummy said that he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to bother with me"

Why on earth would you tell this to your 5 year old child?! Haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Made me want to cry 😢

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 18/04/2023 19:54

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Have reported it already.

Show quote history

Good, that is the right thing to do. No matter what is happening with the parents relationship, the child should be protected, what she is being told could have a long lasting emotional effect on her. I do not understand why some posters are unable to understand that.

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:55

I'm absolutely shocked that some of you on here would find no issue with telling your child this!

OP posts:
SittingNextToIt · 18/04/2023 19:56

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Whatever is going on in someone's life, it is not at all appropriate to tell a 5 year old child that their dad basically doesn't give a shit about them. I had to comfort a distraught little girl today, who was clearly heartbroken at her mothers words. ANY explanation would have been better than the one her mother gave! Of course, as a child gets older, I think it's important to be honest with them if they have an absent parent, but in no way do I think that telling a five year old child this information (who doesn't even have the emotional capacity to process this) is ok. So yes, I will judge all I like thanks, because I'm the one who has to deal with a crying child all day.

Show quote history

Are you judging the father too? Or is the judgement reserved solely for the mother?

(I hasten to add that there is every possibility that the actual words have been said by a grandmother or an aunt or an uncle or grandad - but let’s assume it’s Evil Mum).

MabelMoo23 · 18/04/2023 19:57

I have a 5 year old and the thought of her trying to process such a thing breaks my heart

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:57

SarahAndQuack · 18/04/2023 19:53

Poor little girl.

Do bear in mind that it may not be that the mum said this to her child. It is the sort of thing I can imagine a very upset mother saying to someone else (eg., on the phone to a friend and unaware her daughter can hear), and the child overhearing.

Maybe. But the mother is happily in a new relationship with a baby on the way, so definitely not 'upset'

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 18/04/2023 19:57

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:55

I'm absolutely shocked that some of you on here would find no issue with telling your child this!

I’m aghast at some of the responses on here

LadyKenya · 18/04/2023 19:57

MysweetAudrina · 18/04/2023 19:45

Better she realises now rather than holding out hope. Sometimes the truth hurts but it's not the mother at fault here.

The mother is the one who is telling the child this, no one else.

Theunamedcat · 18/04/2023 19:58

Mummy and daddy had an ARGUMENT?? are you FUCKING KIDDING ME that just puts the blame right back on mum because she is the only one THERE fucks sake anything but that 🙄

Look I had to negotiate keeping my daughter away from her father who chose drugs AFTER we split up (literally told him be straight or don't come he chose not to come) she still blamed me because nanny kept telling her daddy loves you daddy misses you it was only when I told her daddy could be here if HE wanted to that she questioned the narrative she was being given there should I have told her something different? Something other than the truth?

It gets so old lying to children to protect a neglectful parent

DeflatedAgain · 18/04/2023 19:59

My mum would say stuff like that to me when I was young.

It does suck. Well done for reporting

user1473878824 · 18/04/2023 20:00

It might get tiring PROTECTING your child but so what, suck it up.

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 20:00

@SittingNextToIt I can't judge the father because I don't know anything about him... he could be an absolute waste of space or he could be actually trying to see his child and mum is making it difficult. Who knows. What I do know is that this mother has told her 5 year old something that has completely broken her heart and will possibly impact her for the rest of her life.

OP posts:
lokienji · 18/04/2023 20:00

Poor wee girl

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 18/04/2023 20:02

Theunamedcat · 18/04/2023 19:58

Mummy and daddy had an ARGUMENT?? are you FUCKING KIDDING ME that just puts the blame right back on mum because she is the only one THERE fucks sake anything but that 🙄

Look I had to negotiate keeping my daughter away from her father who chose drugs AFTER we split up (literally told him be straight or don't come he chose not to come) she still blamed me because nanny kept telling her daddy loves you daddy misses you it was only when I told her daddy could be here if HE wanted to that she questioned the narrative she was being given there should I have told her something different? Something other than the truth?

It gets so old lying to children to protect a neglectful parent

You’re protecting a child not a neglectful parent in this scenario.

AndTheSurveySays · 18/04/2023 20:02

It gets so old lying to children to protect a neglectful parent

It's lying to protect the child. All good parents will lie to protect their child if needed.

Busybody2022 · 18/04/2023 20:02

That's awful. My 6 and 8 year old's dad couldn't be fucked. Walked away when youngest was a few weeks. They don't need to know that version of the truth, not yet!

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 20:03

@SittingNextToIt also, the girl told me that "MUMMY SAID..." so yes it was definitely her mum who it came from

OP posts:
Thegoodbadandugly · 18/04/2023 20:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

superchargerheaven · 18/04/2023 20:04

🥺🥺I cannot believe some people are saying it's okay what this mum said to her little girl

My son has a shitty dad as well who barely even bothered with him for the first few years of his life! but I have never ever slagged him off to my son or implied anything like the mum in the op

SargentSagittarius · 18/04/2023 20:07

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 19:40

What lie would you prefer?

Odd question.

Literally any lie would be better than the truth at this age.

It’s - very obviously - not about protecting the waste-of-space parent, but about protecting the child from the actions of that parent.

Some people would prefer to throw their child under the bus if it means getting one over the waste-of-space parent.

There is nothing honourable about being truthful to a young child in this instance.

Brieandme · 18/04/2023 20:09

FFS you don't have to lie to a child. It's how you frame it.

I sometimes have to talk to children about why dad's dont see them. We talk about the onus on the dad, eg that being a parent means doing a lot of jobs. One of the jobs of being a parent who doesn't live with you is keeping in touch, getting the bus to visit etc. Your dad isn't good at doing the job of being a dad & it's ok to feel sad about that. But that's why you live with mummy and your mummy does mummy jobs and daddy jobs etc etc.

You can certainly explain a useless parent to a child without giving the message that daddy doesnt care, because a child of 5 is going to internalise that as 'daddy doesn't care because I'm not good enough'.

Allwelcone · 18/04/2023 20:09

OP that's so dispiriting. The most important thing having reported it is that the little girl feels she matters, regardless where she gets her self esteem from.

Do you remember that line from The Help where she says to the neglected little girl "you is smart, you is kind, you is important" . That.
.

worktrauma101 · 18/04/2023 20:09

This little girl will be used as ammo between the parents. And emotionally neglected. She'll likely grow up pussy footing around to keep her parents "happy" and not constantly at war. She'll do anything to keep the peace.

She may even get told "I don't love you because you're exactly like you're father" and visa versa. Or "it's a shame you look like you're father"

I know this because I was that little girl.

I'm a grown ass woman and my mother still does it to me now that her and my dad are elderly (if my mum finds out I've visited my dad, she blanks me for about a week!)

It's awful. But so so common.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2023 20:10

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Whatever is going on in someone's life, it is not at all appropriate to tell a 5 year old child that their dad basically doesn't give a shit about them. I had to comfort a distraught little girl today, who was clearly heartbroken at her mothers words. ANY explanation would have been better than the one her mother gave! Of course, as a child gets older, I think it's important to be honest with them if they have an absent parent, but in no way do I think that telling a five year old child this information (who doesn't even have the emotional capacity to process this) is ok. So yes, I will judge all I like thanks, because I'm the one who has to deal with a crying child all day.

Show quote history

But if what she said is true, the dad is showing with his actions that he doesn’t give a shit. That’s not acceptable either.

Mamapiggywig · 18/04/2023 20:12

A simple “you are not seeing daddy at the moment because of adult things” or something like that, not an explosive unpleasant comment that a child can’t process. That is such a weight for that child to carry. She will have mental health problems and low self esteem her whole life because mummy wanted to point score.

JudgeJ · 18/04/2023 20:12

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 19:40

What lie would you prefer?

So you're assumng it's true and not a mother weaponising her child in a dispute with the father? It should be reported and maybe a word with the mother about her words to her child.