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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely heartbroken by this comment made by a 5 year old

291 replies

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:15

My job involves working with kids. Today, a teary eyed little girl told me this: "I don't see my daddy because mummy said that he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to bother with me"

Why on earth would you tell this to your 5 year old child?! Haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Made me want to cry 😢

OP posts:
Stickmansmum · 18/04/2023 22:50

Quveas · 18/04/2023 19:36

It's upsetting that any parent dissent cats enough to see their child. But in all honesty, what is the better explanation? Your dad has been super busy for five years? He didn't realise it's your birthday / Christmas/ other meaningful date? Kids recognise lies, even lies told to protect them. OP, you have no idea what goes on in someone's life - don't judge them until you have walked in their shoes.

If the mum was able to get over herself there are many other things she could have said that are true but not so damaging.

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 22:52

I am not actually a teacher. So no, this thread isn't about your niece @WavingAtTheClouds

My job involves going into schools and supporting children.

I really didn't mean to start this thread to be judgy, but there is a bigger picture that I can't discuss here, and this evening I was just feeling so heartbroken for this child. Maybe in hindsight, it wasn't a good idea to start this thread. But I do feel it is important to highlight how these things can be so damaging for young children.

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/04/2023 22:55

But I do feel it is important to highlight how these things can be so damaging for young children.

Some of the response on this thread make it pretty clear that this message needs to get out there.

SummerDawn2000 · 18/04/2023 22:59

The man’s a fool if he’s done that. She sounds very lovely. His life will be poorer for being such a twat. Poor wee lovely. Bastard man.

SecretSwirrel · 18/04/2023 23:00

It’s not great but little kids often think the sun shines out of their useless dad’s stinky old arse. This can be incredibly frustrating when said “fathers” fail to take any kind of responsibility for their kids whatsoever.

OP, if you work in education, I am wondering why you’re not reinforcing diversity and reminding the child that there are many different types of families. Not just those with a mum, dad and 2.4 children.

You sound a little bit judgy to me. I suggest you read up on your school’s diversity policy.

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 23:02

SecretSwirrel · 18/04/2023 23:00

It’s not great but little kids often think the sun shines out of their useless dad’s stinky old arse. This can be incredibly frustrating when said “fathers” fail to take any kind of responsibility for their kids whatsoever.

OP, if you work in education, I am wondering why you’re not reinforcing diversity and reminding the child that there are many different types of families. Not just those with a mum, dad and 2.4 children.

You sound a little bit judgy to me. I suggest you read up on your school’s diversity policy.

I haven't actually said what I said in response to the child so you don't actually have any idea what I replied. Bit of a weird comment

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 18/04/2023 23:04

That's a form of child abuse if you look at safeguarding principles/examples of abuse. Poor kid.

I know adults get pd off if they have a bad relationship, but this mum needs to get a grip and stop putting that on her child. You need to have a quiet, non threatening word with mum and hope she can adjust her behaviour.

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 23:05

For those suggesting I have a word with the mum, that's not actually my job as I'm not a teacher. I did pass on this information to the class teacher so hopefully he spoke to her.

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 18/04/2023 23:06

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Whatever is going on in someone's life, it is not at all appropriate to tell a 5 year old child that their dad basically doesn't give a shit about them. I had to comfort a distraught little girl today, who was clearly heartbroken at her mothers words. ANY explanation would have been better than the one her mother gave! Of course, as a child gets older, I think it's important to be honest with them if they have an absent parent, but in no way do I think that telling a five year old child this information (who doesn't even have the emotional capacity to process this) is ok. So yes, I will judge all I like thanks, because I'm the one who has to deal with a crying child all day.

Show quote history

How dare you judge? You have NO IDEA of the circumstances here!

Maybe you are in the wrong job.

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 23:18

So you go into school to support children, work with this child and don’t know the dads circumstances at all?

Isn’t family background and dynamics gained before work with the child is started for the bigger picture? It used to be not that long ago.

Blossomtoes · 18/04/2023 23:20

allmyliesaretrue · 18/04/2023 23:06

How dare you judge? You have NO IDEA of the circumstances here!

Maybe you are in the wrong job.

Show quote history

The circumstances are irrelevant. It’s a shitty thing to do.

PottyMouthkaka · 18/04/2023 23:22

It's sad but happens often.
Just because someone can reproduce successfully doesn't mean they have the decency and common sense to parent well. Loads of people are damaged and fucked up.

Loria · 18/04/2023 23:23

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:45

Whatever is going on in someone's life, it is not at all appropriate to tell a 5 year old child that their dad basically doesn't give a shit about them. I had to comfort a distraught little girl today, who was clearly heartbroken at her mothers words. ANY explanation would have been better than the one her mother gave! Of course, as a child gets older, I think it's important to be honest with them if they have an absent parent, but in no way do I think that telling a five year old child this information (who doesn't even have the emotional capacity to process this) is ok. So yes, I will judge all I like thanks, because I'm the one who has to deal with a crying child all day.

Show quote history

Contact the dad. Let him know how much his parenting approach is adversely affecting his child.

FlowersAndDogs · 18/04/2023 23:23

CrazyCatsRock · 18/04/2023 22:40

OP was right to report, any sensible person would agree. But she was wrong to jump to conclusions. It’s very simple.

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This is the crux of it.

Different, but I was called into school over something the school regarded as a safeguarding issue years ago. The staff asked my child what she had for breakfast and my daughter had said ‘I never have breakfast, mummy and daddy don’t offer me any’ and when asked about other food she didn’t want to talk about it.

Obviously the staff had to speak to me and ask what was going on. I explained how we had got to the stage of not offering breakfast. Anxiety, nerves about school, her saying even talking about food in the morning made it worse on bad days etc, but that I made toast, crumpets, put cereal and milk out and she knew it was there if she ever did feel like it, some mornings she did, but it was just better to not talk about it. She struggled with some foods, probably why she didn’t want to talk about it further. Years later she has a diagnosis of autism with sensory issues around food.

They didn’t jump to the conclusion that I wasn’t feeding my child, and my daughter apparently confirmed what I’d said. Sometimes things aren’t what they seem.

You report and it’s investigated. If she has said it, she needs help with dealing with the situation better. It can cause a child a lot of anxiety and other issues to head that from a parent and it’s not something a parent should say to their child. The child may have got it from somewhere else though and all the judgement from OP and others would be wrong. OP has been judgemental without hearing from mum. You don’t do that.

FlowersAndDogs · 18/04/2023 23:24

Blossomtoes · 18/04/2023 23:20

The circumstances are irrelevant. It’s a shitty thing to do.

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We don’t know she did it.

IF she did, it’s not good.

Choufleuretbattenberg · 18/04/2023 23:27

Heartbroken by her fathers actions.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/04/2023 23:28

BabyofMine · Today 19:42

Why though? If it’s true? Why should a Mother cover up for an indifferent neglectful father? It’s hurtful but life hurts. What lie would they tell instead of the truth?”

oh FFS. Life shouldn’t hurt when you’re five years old and it’s the role of the parent the child lives with to make sure it doesn’t.

Kingdedede · 18/04/2023 23:28

The mother could be stopping the father from seeing the child and then badmouthing him, I know 2 women who do that to their exes.

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 23:30

Aren’t family dynamics discussed with professionals working with the child, before they meet, anymore?

im surprised that no one stepped in from the school to support the girl thus allowing you to do the job you was there for tbh.

Loria · 18/04/2023 23:33

Yeah yeah women are all to blame for men's failings.

Failings so entrenched that we have to have an entire government agency devoted to getting the fuckers to cough up 10% of their wages towards the upkeep of their kids, and even then compliance is so low that single parents get a blanket pass to welfare subs anyway.

But obviously the problem lies with women.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/04/2023 23:35

Loria · Today 23:33
Yeah yeah women are all to blame for men's failings.

Failings so entrenched that we have to have an entire government agency devoted to getting the fuckers to cough up 10% of their wages towards the upkeep of their kids, and even then compliance is so low that single parents get a blanket pass to welfare subs anyway.

But obviously the problem lies with women”

It does if that’s what they’re telling their five year olds.

allmyliesaretrue · 18/04/2023 23:37

Blossomtoes · 18/04/2023 23:20

The circumstances are irrelevant. It’s a shitty thing to do.

Show quote history

How narrow-minded.

Loria · 18/04/2023 23:38

This is made-up froth anyway but shit fathers are not women's responsibility.

saraclara · 18/04/2023 23:40

Loria · 18/04/2023 23:33

Yeah yeah women are all to blame for men's failings.

Failings so entrenched that we have to have an entire government agency devoted to getting the fuckers to cough up 10% of their wages towards the upkeep of their kids, and even then compliance is so low that single parents get a blanket pass to welfare subs anyway.

But obviously the problem lies with women.

No, a woman is to blame if she deliberately says something to a five year old that is emotionally and psychologically damaging. It doesn't matter what led her to feel vindictive. It's not for the child to carry the pain.

saraclara · 18/04/2023 23:41

Jeeze, can you begin to imagine the responses on a thread where a MNer said that her ex had said something like this to their child?