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Original poster

To be absolutely heartbroken by this comment made by a 5 year old

291 replies

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 19:15

My job involves working with kids. Today, a teary eyed little girl told me this: "I don't see my daddy because mummy said that he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to bother with me"

Why on earth would you tell this to your 5 year old child?! Haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Made me want to cry 😢

OP posts:
MumofOne1789 · 18/04/2023 20:37

Iwasafool · 18/04/2023 20:27

Why should she? Because she is a mother and hurting her little girl should be something she would never even think of doing. Hurting a five year old deliberately is very low. She can just say I don't know, no need to say any more.

Show quote history

It’s about what’s going to be less hurtful to the child. Hearing that daddy doesn’t care is hurtful and damaging.
You don’t have to tell child he’s the best dad in the world, but something that’s not hurtful.

The child will know for themselves as they grow older, when there are more emotionally capable of dealing with it.

This is not something a 5 year old should have to hear and deal with.

IAgreeWithHim · 18/04/2023 20:37

I recall years ago going to a holiday park holiday for 4 -5 days and my older DS was playing with a little boy who lived on the campsite basically as a perm resident. I asked the biy his name and he replied; 'My name is Brendan but you have to call me Reece because my daddy can't know where we live'.

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 20:37

JudgeJ · 18/04/2023 20:12

So you're assumng it's true and not a mother weaponising her child in a dispute with the father? It should be reported and maybe a word with the mother about her words to her child.

Show quote history

You’re assuming that this was said directly to the child.
It could easily have been mum having a chat not realising child was in ear shot.

JimmyDurham · 18/04/2023 20:38

Brieandme · 18/04/2023 20:21

@JimmyDurham I've written a few posts up of an example of age appropriate explanation.

Your 'truth hurts' crap shows a lack of understanding of child development. Children are naturally ego centric. They will assume they are the reason things happen and this affects their development re self esteem and self perception, if explanations don't take these differences into account.

It's wrong to treat children as though they should be able to process things like adults. It's not sugar coating, it's recognising that they are children and their understanding is different to ours.

I disagree.

Ludo19 · 18/04/2023 20:39

That's actually heartbreaking. Mum is obviously very hurt but maybe could've used better phrasing, especially as her (the child) father may change his mind, if indeed he is absent for not giving a shit. Remember maybe mum is keeping her from seeing her dad? These things may not be apparent at this time.

Wishitsnows · 18/04/2023 20:39

For the sake of the child women all over have to lie to their children to pretend the father cares. This women said the wrong thing to her child but at least she isn’t the waste of space father that isn’t bothering with his child.

Willmafrockfit · 18/04/2023 20:39

how upsetting
i remember being upset when a mother of a 8 year old said He left us,
such an awful phrase for a child to hear

BombasticSideEye · 18/04/2023 20:39

You don’t have to tell child he’s the best dad in the world, but something that’s not hurtful.

The child will know for themselves as they grow older, when there are more emotionally capable of dealing with it.

Exactly this

BadNomad · 18/04/2023 20:39

Tear eyed or distraught? There's a bit of a difference there.

There are a few reasons the mother might have told her that. If the child has been pining for her father, spending her days looking out the window waiting for him, lashing out, I can maybe understand then the mother wanting to make it very clear that he won't be coming. As a way of managing her expectations and disappointment.

Or, as some mothers do, it was done out of bitterness. Wanting the child to hate her father like she does.

You don't know the reason.

But at the end of the day, this wouldn't be an issue if she had an active and engaged father. A good father that wants to see his child will make sure he does.

Brieandme · 18/04/2023 20:40

@JimmyDurham congratulations on proving your lack of knowledge in this area.

There's some amazing double standards on Mumsnet at times. I wonder how many of the posters advocating that only the full truth is good enough, would react if we were talking about say, sex ed? Crime statistics? Gender pay gap? Or perhaps only the full truth on the subjects that suit their agenda.

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 20:40

dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 20:19

Funny how some of you are more than happy to lie to your kids about Santa, the tooth fairy etc but when it comes to things like this, you know, something that could actually emotionally damage your child, it's all "oh I could never lie to my child, they must know the truth!"

I didn’t lie about these things. I have friends from various denominations and don’t do Christmas and many other things. I explained to mine some believe others don’t when they asked questions like why doesn’t fran have a tree or whatever it was.

SargentSagittarius · 18/04/2023 20:41

romdowa · 18/04/2023 20:35

You can't really take the word of a five year old as gospel. Her mother may not have said this directly to her. The child may have over heard the mother talking to someone else. Someone else may have told this to the child.

Which is why the OP has reported it - escalated it as a safe-guarding concern.

It doesn’t who said it, or how the message was conveyed, does it?

The end result is the same.

oakleaffy · 18/04/2023 20:41

Lifeomars · 18/04/2023 20:27

I read this and felt enormous guilt, my son's dad left us when son was 7 months old and I as the years rolled by and he and the woman he left me for had 3 kids of their own and he told me that he this meant he could no longer pay any child support which left me struggling to pay for all the things my boy needed. Ex husband saw my son less and less, would cancel at the last minute leaving son in tears and me to pick up the pieces. I did find it very hard to trot out the lines of "daddy loves, but daddy is very busy" . I hope I never said anything as hurtful as this especially when my son was as young as 5 but I did really struggle to bite my tongue. I can recall my son being so anxious waiting for his dad to show (or not show) that he would have diarrhoea from the stress of it all. It is was so difficult and I was very far from perfect. I think on a subliminal level children are very aware that an uncaring and absent parent is exactly that

It's incredibly hard when a parent is unreliable, as many dads are , especially if under the thrall of a new partner.
Upset children waiting by the window for a dad that is late, or one that doesn't come at all.

Those on here who are smugly judging, until it happens to you {I never thought my husband would leave} you have no idea how hard it is to deal with a very upset child who has been let down by his or har father.

I used to be more of a 'Judge' til it happened to me!

Everyone gets on ok now, but ex husband on his nth Marriage. {Not going to say exact number in case it's outing!} and he has had some awkward partners when it came to seeing his DC.

Willmafrockfit · 18/04/2023 20:41

i remember my own dm saying my df left because of the third child <<me>> but i think expect i was older, she was drunk

nomoredriving · 18/04/2023 20:42

Willmafrockfit · 18/04/2023 20:41

i remember my own dm saying my df left because of the third child <<me>> but i think expect i was older, she was drunk

No child she need to hear that Flowers

AllOfThemWitches · 18/04/2023 20:42

You don't even know if she said this directly to the child, who could have overheard her mum venting.

oakleaffy · 18/04/2023 20:42

@Lifeomars ..Edit..Wanted to say that my DC used to be sick sometimes, with the stress of it all.

Hoppingmad231 · 18/04/2023 20:42

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 19:40

What lie would you prefer?

Well I told my dd6 that her dad just wasn't very good at being a dad and that's why he doesn't see her, no lie is needed. There is no need to be cruel and hurt/upset the child because of bitterness!!!

SargentSagittarius · 18/04/2023 20:43

AllOfThemWitches · 18/04/2023 20:42

You don't even know if she said this directly to the child, who could have overheard her mum venting.

Again - what difference does it make?

The child has heard the message loud and clear and doesn’t know how to process it.

AllOfThemWitches · 18/04/2023 20:45

SargentSagittarius · 18/04/2023 20:43

Again - what difference does it make?

The child has heard the message loud and clear and doesn’t know how to process it.

Show quote history

Well, OP said 'why would you tell your child this?' Without knowing whether she actually did or not...

Climbles · 18/04/2023 20:45

It’s such a difficult situation. 2 of my friends are currently dealing with young children who have shit dads. What do you say to them? Obviously not ‘your dad doesn’t want to bother with you’ but when they are a toxic, absent wanker it’s really hard. Kids ask a million questions then blame their mothers when there isn’t solutions. ‘Why can’t I see daddy this weekend ’ ‘he’s far away’ ‘can’t he drive here?’ ‘His car isn't working’ ‘can’t we drive to him’ ‘it’s too far’ ‘I don’t mind I don’t have school till Monday’ ‘the petrol is too much’ ‘I’ll pay from my Christmas money’ etc etc. They know something’s up and it’s the mum who ends up looking like the bad guy.

Brieandme · 18/04/2023 20:46

@BadNomad not always the case

My personal circs, we were brought up to believe dad left because we were born and he changed his mind about wanting children. He was slated to us throughout childhood and meant we 'chose' to stop seeing him.

Turns out before he left (we were very young) he was just as much if not more a hands on carer than our mum. When they separated he wanted to stay with us, he sought full custody. He backed down because of (plausible) threats from her and people she talked into getting on his case. He backed down because he didn't trust the court process. I found this out in adulthood after both parents had died, from enough sources & with some legal paperwork to be trust what was true.

I don't think my mum did what she did to be intentionally cruel, but she wasn't a good parent and she resented us, and him, hugely.

Original poster
dreamer998 · 18/04/2023 20:46

BadNomad · 18/04/2023 20:39

Tear eyed or distraught? There's a bit of a difference there.

There are a few reasons the mother might have told her that. If the child has been pining for her father, spending her days looking out the window waiting for him, lashing out, I can maybe understand then the mother wanting to make it very clear that he won't be coming. As a way of managing her expectations and disappointment.

Or, as some mothers do, it was done out of bitterness. Wanting the child to hate her father like she does.

You don't know the reason.

But at the end of the day, this wouldn't be an issue if she had an active and engaged father. A good father that wants to see his child will make sure he does.

She was teary eyed when she told me and then spent most of the day crying, so yes I would say she was distraught.

I think whatever the reason is is irrelevant. Parents have a duty to protect their children and in this case her mother didn't.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 18/04/2023 20:46

Seems only mothers have a duty to protect their children 🙄

whatapfaff · 18/04/2023 20:48

IME, children gradually learn the truth about a useless parent. The information should always be age-appropriate. At 5, "Daddy is very busy", or even, if you have to, "Daddy finds being a Daddy a bit difficult" is quite enough information.

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