AIBU to think that as a society we expect too much from mothers?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

The 8 month sleep regression is hitting us hard, so I might be more sensitive than usual as I’m exhausted.

However, as I try and resettle my baby, I can’t help but question how women are expected to do it all. How are women expected to give 100% of themselves to motherhood, 100% in their careers, 100% to trying to maintain a social life/being a person outside of motherhood and 100% of themselves to help running the home. The maths doesn’t add up and I feel like along the way of empowering women, things have changed but to just expecting women to do more than what’s actually manageable.

I think the first issue is the length of maternity leave and how long it’s financially supported (plus the ridiculously little amount maternity pay actually is).
Why can women take up to 12 months off, but only paid for 9 months? One of my arguments for a longer, financially supported maternity leave is that our babies need to get their main source of nutrition from milk for the first 12 months, so why doesn’t society support women being off for that long? There’s probably more arguments in the emotional support of babies being raised by their parents, instead of childcare, but too tired to look into this.
Luckily, we saved enough before having our baby to support me being off for 12 months, but baby needs me right now at 8 months and I can’t imagine putting them into childcare at 9 months, or even earlier.

The other issue I’m struggling to wrap my head around is how I’m expected to go back to work and give 100% whilst trying to be a mother. Parenting is exhausting, relentless and I can’t picture my life where I’m meant to give my all to work whilst trying to give my best to my child. Surely something will have to give, but with the cost of living my career can’t slip as we need me working, so naturally it’s seeing less of my child by working full time and having them be raised and looked after by nursery.

So, AIBU to think that as a society we expect too much from mothers? Surely there’s a better compromise than the current set up of maternity leave and more support from employers towards parents?

None of those things that you say “society” expects are true. You are placing too much pressure on yourself. And in any case who cares what anyone else expects of you?

In the US mothers return to work at 6 weeks. So i suppose that is what their government deems best for the baby. Certainly not 12 months

There can't just be endless pots of money for supporting people to be at home for longer though, surely that responsibility is on the parents to save and be able to afford to be off with the baby (like you have).

People can ask for reduced hours when they go back off maternity leave if they can afford it. It is hard work whichever way you look at it. But apart from getting financially in a position where you don't need to work until your child goes to school then I don't see what the answer is. Work places need the job doing, same as they did before the baby came along. So it's not the responsibility of the work place.

They may not be true for you but there is no way you can unilaterally say they are not true for everyone.

Women are expected to parent as if they don't work, work as if they don't have kids.

@pd339 my manager will expect me to pull my weight at work or I’ll be sacked, so I definitely do need to care what’s expected of me.

@NatMoz I don’t have the energy to go into my thoughts of the US approach to mums returning to work, but I will say it’s absolutely disgusting. I had a c-section and only just started feeling okay by 6 weeks.

Well unless you are very wealthy, life as a woman has always involved compromises. And these thoughts struck presumably you before you had a baby and you came up with some kind of plan to muddle through.

My kids have both done well in good quality childcare - my first dd from age 10 months whilst I returned to my career part time to keep things bubbling over. After my second child i decelerated my career and now earn less than I did ten years ago so that I can balance the stress of full-time employment, kids, the caring for and then bereavement of my own parents, and the menopause.

I do sometimes think my mum’s life - with no career, but a vast social life working in charities while my dad worked 9-5 in a factory - was probably a happier and healthier life than mine has been, despite some poverty. But that’s profess for you.

I’ll be supporting my own dd to stay child-free if that’s what she continues to prefer as without kids life it’s much easier to indulge your own preferences .

You can't do everything 100%. Don't even begin to think you can or should, because you can't. No-one can or does, and anyone who looks like they are has lots of help. Find a really good nursery you feel comfortable leaving your child with - I thought ours did a better job of parenting my baby than I did, sometimes!

But yes, you're right. Working with a small child is really fucking hard work. That's why many women gain weight and stop looking after themselves when they have children - there literally isn't time to do everything, and skipping ourselves is easy because it's not essential.

My advice would be to make sure your partner is used to doing lots of housework now, and get them looking after the baby regularly so you can have some time off to yourself. Don't let it all fall to you.

Oh and also, you are going to have to stop caring what other people think of you. Right now.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - wow, you've summed up the reality perfectly.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz you’ve summed up my post wonderfully

• Women are expected to parent as if they don't work, work as if they don't have kids. -

Absolutely. The bit I still don’t get is that the man can do nothing at all and be viewed as a good father but if a woman doesn’t manage to work full time, do everything for her kids, attend all appointments, have a clean house, turn out perfectly behaved clean kids then she is seen as lacking. The only solution is clearly to gain superpowers.

@Mutabiliss I'm extremely lucky that my husband pulls his weight, but he’s a teacher and it’s a lot harder to hide when you are exhausted than my office job. He can’t turn off and have an easier day like I can when I’ll be WFH.

It isn't what they deem best for the baby. It suits their economy. Women don't have a great standing across a lot of states.

OP I agree with you. I don't think that you'll get support on here, there seems to be a demographic of high earning women and equal domestic labour partners. But across society, way too much is expected of mothers and women. As is always said, the bar is set low for men in comparison. Divorce settlements are starting to reflect the non financial contribution that women make to the family. We all need to support each other when a woman wants to shed wife work and the extras at Christmas etc. Whenever the childcare by grandmothers comes up I always ask what is being expected and taken for granted of the male relatives of the father. These days out mothering is expected to carry on until death, yet the powers that be want younger births than is becoming the norm and more of them.

Given their govt does nothing to prevent young children being killed on their school grounds, is it any wonder they don't value maternity leave.

@Nounoufgs women are expected to have superpowers, but it’s hardly recognised as to how tough motherhood is. Especially when people say comments like “how was your break” when talking about maternity leave. This isn’t a break and the furthest thing from a holiday and we have an easy baby, albeit these last few weeks when he’s resisting sleep 😴

I don’t expect women to be demoted from the workplace and go back to the days where there was no equity, but at the same time we’ve moved to a place where the expectation is too much.

I hope it makes him appreciate and support women who return after maternity leave. We need both sexes on board with this. I can remember one of my teachers in the 80's coming back to work after three months off and she was just miserable. It was sad to see and even as difficult teens we felt for her.

Before I got pre with my first we got ourselves into a financial position where I didn’t have to go back to work, because we knew that I couldn’t do hospital shifts with my DH’s job.

When you say 'do everything 100%' - is your husband not doing half the night waking etc...? Mine always has. That's why I didn't breastfeed, so he could share the load. Everything is a choice. We don't all have to be passive. When I go back to work next year, my husband is reducing hours to be more of a SAHD to help me. Obviously it's different if you're a single parent, but if you've got a decent partner, it shouldn't be so pressured. I work full time and I have an older child too and yes, being a working parent with children is hard but that's true irrespective of gender. My husband finds the same. No me time and rushing around to do admin, work and collect children. But it's not forever. My parents did it too and so did DH's. It's all worth it and there's no option unless you're wealthy.

*pregnant

We are our own worst enemies really.

Women are expected to parent as if they don't work, work as if they don't have kids.
I was about to say this.

Men as a class need to step up. None of this refusing to get up in they night because they might be tired at work, none of this dumping the domestic load on their wives/partners, more men need to be doing their fair share of household jobs, their fair share of childcare, sharing parental leave, going part time.

As soon as more men have to start doing their fair share, things will start to change, but any progress will be at snail pace because as you can see from lots of MN threads, too many men think it's not their problem.

I'd also like to bring research into the mix. Sleep deprivation has a worse effect on a woman's health long term, than it does a man's. Likewise we really should have time to concentrate on our bone health etc and maintain a social circle. It's always men who we (and then) expect to carry on hobbies etc, but it's as important, if not more, for women to have those things.

First off, my sympathies. We have been through the thought processs. With my first I went back to work 4 days a week when he was 7 months, and gave it no thought whatsoever. We really needed the money, the loneliness was crushing and I felt lost, so work was a relief. As our family grew, my feelings and our circumstances changed. When my father died, I was so busy with work and travelling that I didn't reply to his last email, which ironically was a warmly worded paean to my life as a working mother, and how he was really proud of me for keeping my career. The situation made me reconsider, and until bloody COVID came along, I had decided to quit and look after the kids full time. Obviously many budgets can't afford that, ours just about could have.
I now work full-time, my DH looks after the kids. That's equally depressing for various reasons. I don't think it's just society, I think men and women are not the same. Even though the feminist in me resists this notion, I think the majority of women are better able to meet the emotional needs of small children. I took out a subscription to the Spectator and I think Rod Liddle's recent article has messed with my head.

YANBU, society does not expect a enough from fathers. An ultra patriarchal system is still the mainstay. Everything falls on the mother.

😲