AIBU to think that as a society we expect too much from mothers?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

The 8 month sleep regression is hitting us hard, so I might be more sensitive than usual as I’m exhausted.

However, as I try and resettle my baby, I can’t help but question how women are expected to do it all. How are women expected to give 100% of themselves to motherhood, 100% in their careers, 100% to trying to maintain a social life/being a person outside of motherhood and 100% of themselves to help running the home. The maths doesn’t add up and I feel like along the way of empowering women, things have changed but to just expecting women to do more than what’s actually manageable.

I think the first issue is the length of maternity leave and how long it’s financially supported (plus the ridiculously little amount maternity pay actually is).
Why can women take up to 12 months off, but only paid for 9 months? One of my arguments for a longer, financially supported maternity leave is that our babies need to get their main source of nutrition from milk for the first 12 months, so why doesn’t society support women being off for that long? There’s probably more arguments in the emotional support of babies being raised by their parents, instead of childcare, but too tired to look into this.
Luckily, we saved enough before having our baby to support me being off for 12 months, but baby needs me right now at 8 months and I can’t imagine putting them into childcare at 9 months, or even earlier.

The other issue I’m struggling to wrap my head around is how I’m expected to go back to work and give 100% whilst trying to be a mother. Parenting is exhausting, relentless and I can’t picture my life where I’m meant to give my all to work whilst trying to give my best to my child. Surely something will have to give, but with the cost of living my career can’t slip as we need me working, so naturally it’s seeing less of my child by working full time and having them be raised and looked after by nursery.

So, AIBU to think that as a society we expect too much from mothers? Surely there’s a better compromise than the current set up of maternity leave and more support from employers towards parents?

I think men go through the same biological urges women do.

Nah. Men have the biological urge to mate. Yes, some men do want children, but for a many of those it doesn't mean they have an urge to raise them on a practical level and if they can get away with not having to they will.

Well, that's very gracious that you think women should be allowed to have careers.

But what exactly are these differences that you have identified and how do you think they should impact on how society is organised?

But I don't think anyone is denying differences. Just pointing out that many men and women want similar things out of life and don't wish to end up in polarised roles as 'earner' or 'carer' when they're capable and interested in doing both

I agree to an extent but also I think some mothers do flog themselves. No one has ever asked how my ‘breaks’ were after Mat leave and almost everyone I know acknowledges how all consuming parenthood is. Work try to balance home life and work life but ultimately if you’re employed for X hours to do X job and are being paid as such there’s only so much ‘support’ possible.
I think you have to look at it as doing your best. I do my best at work, as a mum, as a friend and partner. Sometimes I have spells where I can juggle everything and feel great. Other times I feel crushed exhausted and overwhelmed and I give myself grace and cut back on non essentials.
I went back to work after 7 months and enjoyed it. I went back after 12 months and enjoyed it. I work part time and love being with the kids and work. Some days are shit and I’d love some proper ‘time off’ that isn’t just covering kids hols but that’s life! They’ll be grown up soon.

What do we count ourselves as “lucky” when our other halves split the chore’s equally with us. 🤷🏼‍♀️ we need to raise the bar here. Surely doing the fair share is the bare minimum requirement of a partnership?
i’d start with looking at your mindset here.

Very much agree with this.

Yes I think society doesn’t value motherhood and fathers need to do more. But women need to cut themselves some slack.

I’m about to go back to work and I won’t be giving 100% of what I gave before. My boss doesn’t expect me to give 100% either. And what the house gets is going to come courtesy of a cleaner. I don’t feel pressure to keep my social life at 100% as the majority of my friends have small children and arranging anything is a triumph in itself.

I feel lucky that I’ve waited until I’m established enough and senior enough to step back without it really knocking me. No, I want be surging ahead but I’m not going to get sacked or anything close to it. I’m lucky that I’m surrounded by senior woman all very visibly balancing work and parenthood. I really hope this is role modelling to younger women that if they decide to have kids then no, they don’t need to do everything at 100%.

@maya48 it's interesting too that you frame things in terms of how the mother feels, as though that must always trump everything else.

What about the children? What if it's actually really beneficial for a child to be looked after by their dad, as well as by their mum? As in, proper time with dad as sole carer? Seeing their dad doing childcare and domestic jobs? Absorbing it all?

I said earlier that I believe transferable leave is a really positive thing that probably has a long term impact far beyond the few months that dad might be on leave.

Having a harmonious balanced family life isn't about any one member of the family- whether mum or dad - just doing what they feel like all the time.

Its about each member of the family sharing the joys and the tough bits surely.

imho, MNers as mothers expect too much of others. I don't think "society" expects too much, I perceive that "mothers" expect too much of other mothers.

I said earlier that I believe transferable leave is a really positive thing that probably has a long term impact far beyond the few months that dad might be on leave
I agree with this and anecdotally all the dads I know who have submitted flexible working requests for flexible starts, compressed hours, shorter lunches to be able to do one of the drop offs, or go part time have all been men who took shared parental leave.

It's also interesting that their wives/partners also say these men take a fair share of sick days with the children, do chores at home on their days off and domestic life seems much more balanced and equitable.

It's positive for children to grow up seeing that domestic responsibilities and load is not mums job because she's the default parent.

freyamay74 - I wasn't making a case for polarised roles. My point was more that if and when women really struggle emotionally with returning to work after a baby or child (whether they go back after one year, three years, ten years or whatever), there is a tendency for some people to be dismissive about this - "there is nothing special about mums / you can't really feel that because men don't etc etc."

@maya48 fair enough but turn the situation around. Imagine a man saying he wants to get straight back to work after having a child, for his priorities to remain the same and for his life not to change at all, because that's how he feels. I think most people would say that's selfish and unreasonable and that he should consider the child and the other parent, not just his own feelings.

freyamay74 - Well yes, but some women also might say that - they are clear they are going back to work at the earliest possible opportunity because they don't want any disruption to their career. They never want to be at home with the baby beyond the minimum possible.

People would say that sounds selfish but really, if that's how they feel it's probably better for them to be honest about it. If you force yourself to be at home with a baby and you're not cut out for it (as some women find) or you get very depressed or anxious, then it's no good for the baby or the mum. Similarly, if you are really struggling with returning to work and separation from a baby or child, you shouldn't feel like you need to quash that or pretend you are fine. I've seen how that can make some women mentally and physically unwell.

I don't think anyone should quash their feelings. That's not healthy. But neither is it necessarily healthy to always just go with how you feel.

The father (or mother) who doesn't want any disruption to their career and wants their life to continue exactly as it was pre-children isn't necessarily considering what's best overall for their family (ie their partner and child) and many people would think they should be prepared to flex, to compromise.

Likewise, the mother who doesn't want to return to work (or transfer parental leave) because that's just how they feel isn't necessarily considering what's best for their child and partner.

This isn't true IMO. Many women never return to full time work and don't get the stigma a man would in this situation.

I think that you should raise the question with ITV, OP. I'm sure that their resident 'mother' will be able to explain to you exactly how difficult it is to be a mother (whilst putting three items of laundry into the machine).