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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:24

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/04/2023 18:03

Maybe they can't have their own rooms because OP apparently still needs a room there, even though she's married with her own home elsewhere.

Show quote history

We are hardly in our room but if DD gets muddy and needs a bath, I will bring her into that room to dry off and get dressed.

rather than keep her toys all over the house when we leave I will return them to ‘my room’. We have a spare laptop set up there. A few toiletries and perfumes - convenient items.

Fortunately, there is enough space in the house. Similar set up at my PIL house with regards to DP

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 18:26

Albiboba · 17/04/2023 16:23

@MiddleParking You and your daughter go home to your own proper, full-time house with your husband/father. You win in this scenario.

What a dick comment!

Yep! Imagine being such a twat you take delight in ridiculing someone like this.
So @MiddleParking is someone who's not in a 2 parent, homeowner relationship not a 'proper' family or person?
Agree total dick comment!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 18:26

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:24

We are hardly in our room but if DD gets muddy and needs a bath, I will bring her into that room to dry off and get dressed.

rather than keep her toys all over the house when we leave I will return them to ‘my room’. We have a spare laptop set up there. A few toiletries and perfumes - convenient items.

Fortunately, there is enough space in the house. Similar set up at my PIL house with regards to DP

Show quote history

Can you tell me how your room is decorated to accommodate the style of your husband and dd? Im so curious to what you mean!

Blueblell · 17/04/2023 18:27

I think to be honest, while I can understand you feel a bit upset about it. The 9 year old playing with your 3 year old for a while is nice but after a while he probably gets a bit bored and wants to go to his room to do something more age appropriate. I would be grateful that he plays with her for at least a while and accept that it’s probably more fun for the 3 year old than him. He may have told his dad that he like playing with her fur a while but not all day and has left it to his dad to tell her to go downstairs. I know they don’t live their full time but I suppose the weekends that he is there it’s his home for the weekend.

I would talk to your nephew and say - look when you get fed up playing come and tell me first and I will redirect my DD to another activity so that she doesn’t get upset.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 18:27

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 18:26

Yep! Imagine being such a twat you take delight in ridiculing someone like this.
So @MiddleParking is someone who's not in a 2 parent, homeowner relationship not a 'proper' family or person?
Agree total dick comment!

Show quote history

Nope, They are just a 'loser' apparently.

onirgellep · 17/04/2023 18:29

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 18:18

That s a shocking thing to do! Why would you speak to them privately and put them in an awkward position where they will just say what you want to hear?

Show quote history

And quite likely tell their father who I doubt will be pleased - probably exacerbating the tensions between you and your brother

Seems a most unwise idea

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:29

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 17:40

See, I think living in your mum’s house, having your kids there every other weekend, keeping both rooms a mess and causing tension with other guests against your mum’s wishes constitutes neither appropriate accommodation nor consistent parenting
Given we don't know where they are location-wise I can easily imagine plenty of situations where this is preferable to a studio flat or shared house where the children don't have their own space.

The only reason there's tension is because an adult who doesn't live there and is a visiting guest is annoyed that her 3 year old can't have free reign over the house.

There's no reason for a visiting 3 year old to need to be upstairs in a house they're visiting (whether it is grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends). It's not difficult for a parent to keep their 3 year old with them and away from older children who actually live there.
The OP is creating an issue where there doesn't need to be one. The older children have gone upstairs, she tells her 3 year old that they're staying downstairs, end of discussion. There's no issue there from the perspective of the 3 year old. This is all about the OP's hangups about her brother's living situation.

Incorrect. It isn’t about any hang ups over living conditions - if that was the case I would have said.

It is the fact that DD gets “ghosted” on the command of DBro . If the kids had enough, fair enough. She gets invited up or brought along and it gets abruptly shut down by Dbro.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 18:29

That is a good idea… I will ask them privately the issue is they actually ask for my DD. I
So you'll start shit stirring with children to score points with your sibling.

for instance, this Sunday, It took us ages to get to grandparents and they called me off of their grandfathers mobile to ask what time we were coming and if we could get there before they head back to their mums.
Wanting to see you and DC does not mean they want to be glued at the hip to your DC, including when they've gone out the way of your DC.

also, I needed to go Waitrose and they asked to come with. DD and I went to play in the garden and the followed to join in.
Again, enjoying doing something with your DC does not equal wanting to be glued to her for the entire time you visit.

I genuinely think it is Dbro rather than the kids
I genuinely think you've got an issue with your brother and are using the children as pawns in your silly little drama.

If any relative of mine started trying to stir with my children after I've supported my children having their space, I'd be furious.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:30

what might be contributing to my frustration is that I am the one that often gets their breakfast and lunch sorted on the day that I am there. I play with them in the garden, take them to the park , out and about etc…. But if DD wants to sit down and watch a flipping movie - it is the worlds most unreasonable request 🙄

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 17/04/2023 18:30

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 18:26

Yep! Imagine being such a twat you take delight in ridiculing someone like this.
So @MiddleParking is someone who's not in a 2 parent, homeowner relationship not a 'proper' family or person?
Agree total dick comment!

Show quote history

Depends what they’re doing instead. If it’s living in their mum’s house, keeping multiple rooms a tip and getting far too comfortable bossing her other guests around then no, proper isn’t the word I’d use. I don’t care if you think I’m a twat btw, I think lots of people could really do with being a lot more judgemental when it comes to how men behave.

Laughloveloneliness · 17/04/2023 18:31

Stop doing that then OP. Let him look after his own kids.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 18:32

It is the fact that DD gets “ghosted” on the command of DBro . If the kids had enough, fair enough. She gets invited up or brought along and it gets abruptly shut down by Dbro
Cross posted my last post with this

If this is the case and the older children are genuinely and enthusiastically saying they want their 3 year old cousin to follow them everywhere, and they want their cousin in their rooms, then you need to speak to your brother about it separately to the children.

Don't start stirring with his kids by pushing for private conversations with the children.

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 18:32

Ah.

You clearly have an issue with your brother.

It's not really about the kids.

Your dd cannot have free reign of your parents house because she doesn't live there but they do.

Sounds very much like you just want everything your way all the time.

Maybe your brother is trying to give his kids some space from you/your dd

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:33

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 18:29

That is a good idea… I will ask them privately the issue is they actually ask for my DD. I
So you'll start shit stirring with children to score points with your sibling.

for instance, this Sunday, It took us ages to get to grandparents and they called me off of their grandfathers mobile to ask what time we were coming and if we could get there before they head back to their mums.
Wanting to see you and DC does not mean they want to be glued at the hip to your DC, including when they've gone out the way of your DC.

also, I needed to go Waitrose and they asked to come with. DD and I went to play in the garden and the followed to join in.
Again, enjoying doing something with your DC does not equal wanting to be glued to her for the entire time you visit.

I genuinely think it is Dbro rather than the kids
I genuinely think you've got an issue with your brother and are using the children as pawns in your silly little drama.

If any relative of mine started trying to stir with my children after I've supported my children having their space, I'd be furious.

So if someone tries to have a constructive conversation about how to move forward in a way the suits both parties and both parties kids…. You would be furious?

right , gotcha. Thanks for the input.

Try not to let my little issue take up any more of your time. Have a good evening

OP posts:
Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:34

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 18:32

It is the fact that DD gets “ghosted” on the command of DBro . If the kids had enough, fair enough. She gets invited up or brought along and it gets abruptly shut down by Dbro
Cross posted my last post with this

If this is the case and the older children are genuinely and enthusiastically saying they want their 3 year old cousin to follow them everywhere, and they want their cousin in their rooms, then you need to speak to your brother about it separately to the children.

Don't start stirring with his kids by pushing for private conversations with the children.

Although I do agree with your last two paragraphs ..

OP posts:
Laughloveloneliness · 17/04/2023 18:35

Ah the usual suspects are like a dog with a bone. Sad sad bastards. OP I wouldn't bother with the thread anymore. Too many pricks taking out their shitty lives on you. Hope you can sort it!

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 18:35

Ah.

*You clearly have an issue with your brother."

It's not really about the kids

I agree, and irrelevant issues about who goes to the part, who gets lunch etc is only coming out when there's not resounding support that the 3 year old should go everywhere.

If the brother is really doing nothing then he needs to do more.

I'm not sure what that has to do with a 3 year old not going to bug their cousins.

jannier · 17/04/2023 18:35

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:30

what might be contributing to my frustration is that I am the one that often gets their breakfast and lunch sorted on the day that I am there. I play with them in the garden, take them to the park , out and about etc…. But if DD wants to sit down and watch a flipping movie - it is the worlds most unreasonable request 🙄

Why do it then surely you've had breakfast at home anyway.

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 18:35

@Energydrink

They're kids.

You should absolutely not be involving them in your petty squabbling with your brother.

I suggest you start inviting your parents to yours every Sunday and then you will have them all to yourself and can control where everyone goes

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/04/2023 18:35

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:07

That is a good idea… I will ask them privately the issue is they actually ask for my DD. I
for instance, this Sunday, It took us ages to get to grandparents and they called me off of their grandfathers mobile to ask what time we were coming and if we could get there before they head back to their mums.

also, I needed to go Waitrose and they asked to come with. DD and I went to play in the garden and the followed to join in.

I genuinely think it is Dbro rather than the kids

Show quote history

It would be completely inappropriate for you to go behind your brothers back and question his children like that.

If you have an issue with how they treat your DD, you need to speak to him.

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2023 18:35

Grrrr, the expectation that as an older child you should entertain the younger ones. As for a tween and a teen not letting a three year old having access to their room or letting a three year old play with their stuff, completely normal. There’s a territorial vibe to your OP that really is quite off putting, especially when coupled with the entitlement that a 9 and 13 should play with your 3 year old.

If your 3 year olds needs entertaining, do it yourself.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 18:40

So if someone tries to have a constructive conversation about how to move forward in a way the suits both parties and both parties kids…. You would be furious?

right , gotcha. Thanks for the input.
Yes, because if a relative has an issue with how I parent my children then I'd expect them to come to me about it.

I'd not expect them to go to my children trying to push them into saying or not saying what their issue is or isn't with their child(ren). It would put my children in an awkward position and I'd be furious about the shit stirring.

If his kids are super enthusiastic about playing with your child, they're saying that they'd love her to come in their rooms, you and your brother hear this and he's shutting it down when it's clear the cousins are enthusiastically inviting your DC, then you need to be having a discussion with him. If he's being an arse, take it up with him.

If they're inviting her up after your 3 year old has followed or there's nudging from you for the 3 year old to follow, there's half hearted "ok", then again speak to your brother as they may have confided in him and might not feel comfortable telling another adult they want space.

Either way, he's the person to have the discussion with as their parent.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:40

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 18:26

Can you tell me how your room is decorated to accommodate the style of your husband and dd? Im so curious to what you mean!

Show quote history

Basically NOT how I would decorate it if I was only considering myself 😂

think super neutral natural colours but with children’s toys and nice bed linen

OP posts:
minipie · 17/04/2023 18:41

  1. It’s not your house. It’s not your DD’s house. She isn’t going to have free run in the same way as kids who actually live there (whether part or full time).

  2. The age gap is big. They may well enjoy playing with a 3 year old for a while. They sound like nice kids. Doesn’t mean they don’t want to escape sometmes. Most teens want to escape for a while even without a 3 year old in the mix. Or even if it their sibling. Your brother is probably stepping in to stop your Dc following them, because he knows they might feel obliged to include her and he doesn’t want them to feel under pressure.

  3. Yes they should be taught how to escape tactfully, rather than your Dbro stepping in. However this is something learned over time especially for a 9 year old.

  4. Visiting only when the other DC are not there would be pretty rude and also mean your DC misses out on seeing them, which she clearly enjoys. Cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I think the most you can do is ask your DBro if there is a more tactful way for his DC to disappear off - eg can they tell her “10 more minutes then we are stopping this game as I need some quiet time in my room” - rather than the sudden disappearance which might upset her.

ShandaLear · 17/04/2023 18:42

There are likely a couple of reasons he doesn’t want you or your DD going into their/his room:

  1. It’s a shit tip and he would be mortified to let you see how he is treating his parents home and the conditions he is letting his children live in.
  2. A 3 year old cousin is fun for an hour or so, but they’re not best mates and it’s not a play date. At 9 and 13 they’ll entertain your DD for a while but then they’ll want to be off chatting or playing with their friends on their mobile phones/XBoxes/PS5s or reading/doing homework/watching endless reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, etc.
  3. You're family, not a visitor, so they don’t need to be engaged/entertaining all the time. You’re really there to see your parents and maybe your brother at a push.

I don’t think you have a right to roam and to access their private spaces without an invitation. My teen DS and DD don’t go into each others rooms unless invited, and that’s perfectly fine.

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