Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

[Energydrink]

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

Can you stop being strange?

DNeice sent me a WhatsApp this week asking if she can sleep over at my house. Stop projecting any animosity you have towards your relatives on me please.

OP who is supervising your 3 y/o DD when she wants to go and play/watch a movie in their room?

Are you supervising her?
Or leaving her with her cousins?

Would it be an idea to give one weekend a month a miss at your mum's, to give your brother time with his kids at a weekend.

Also are the 9 and 13yo sharing a room? Will the 13yo want to have her own bedroom, would you be happy her having 'your' room?

@Energydrink

I'm not being strange. You are.

Nor do I have any animosity for my family.

You clearly have a problem with your brother which has nothing to do with your dd

But you also sound entitled and precious. So maybe your brother has just as much of an issue with you

It is slightly different, because your brother stays with your mum and dad it is his home. Therefore it is also his dcs home when they have contact with him and they are entitled to privacy in their home and to decide who they invite into their bedrooms.

You don't live there, you have you own home, you are a guest in you parents, brothers, nephews home. Your room is not "your room" even if only you normally use it, it is your mum and dads guest room and it is up to them who goes in there.

The older kids are not there to entertain your very young dd any more than the other people who live there, it would be rude if they didn't come down and say hello and play/talk for a bit, but if they want some space in their own rooms in their home after this they should be allowed to.

I think it would be a good idea to stop going every weekend too. It's all a bit much.

I think @minipie made great points, OP. I think you need to consider them seriously.

I’d underline that you and your three year old are visiting your parents. You are there guests.

The children of the home have private space they retreat to after spending time playing with their much younger cousin. Your daughter also has a room there she can use.

I think you need to take note of when the older kids retreat to private activities and redirect your child to the hosting grandparents or take her to the room you use to play there.

it is reasonable for your brother to enforce a “teen bedroom privacy rule”. But not reasonable for him to forbid the upstairs. I think you need to compromise that the rule is “don’t follow your cousins when they’re done playing, play with me/grandparents/in the guest room.”

I know you keep saying the older two want to keep playing but I think when they retreat that’s a strong signal they are done for now.

ffs am worn out with all this you re being ridiculous

In your OP you say you “hate the fact” that your db’s dcs get free rein of the house.

So really it’s all about jealousy. As others have said, leave off marking your territory every Sunday and visit on another day. Then your parents would get to see your dd and give her attention and you could lounge around in “your” room to your heart’s content!

We have a very similar set up, with me being in your Dbro's place: I live in my parents' house with my dc, following divorce. My siblings' children are toddlers and mine teens.

My dc enjoy spending time with their cousins, but limited. They're teenagers. They don't want to hang out with young children all the time. Cousins are not allowed in dc's bedroom (their choice) but are allowed elsewhere upstairs, e.g. my bedroom (with me or for naps), bathroom. That's normal, IMO. Pushing a relationship beyond what the teens are happy with isn't. I'm not sure exactly what the dyanmic is between all of you, every family is different, but on the surface you are coming across as the unreasonable one here.

This op! I know it’s hard to let go but how old are you?

failing that you need to have a chat with your parents, just be honest and say you feel unwelcome because he's doing this to your DD so you'll have to cut back on visiting them

I'd take this as you threatening me. I don't think that's a cool way to treat grandparents that don't seem to have done anything wrong - threatening to withhold their granddaughter. Sounds as if you and your brother are squabbling like kids so your mum and dad, who are trying to keep everyone happy, have to step in. Your poor parents.

Please be OP's DM

Tbh it seems like you've made your mind up about the situation since you only listen to the few people on here who will agree with you.

I also think your brother is likely playing bad cop with the kids so the children don’t have to. They may have some kind of hand signal with him or may even be sending him texts. That doesn’t mean they don’t absolutely love your dd but little children can be very full on.

We had a much older cousin to stay for a few years from when dd was 5. The first time the cousin was 13. She was lovely but needed space from dd after a while and would go into her room and shut the door. She also befriended a local girl so they’d go off. Dd likewise wasn’t allowed to just go in her room and she was a guest in our home.

Toys are not just toys. A 9 year old’s toys will be far more fragile and your dn has the right to decide whether or not your dd plays with them. Ditto your step niece’s dolls house, which is something she probably loved and cared for from when she was 6 or 7. Your dd could easily ruin the toys. The children otoh are playing with your dd’s toys with her. You’ll realise all this when your dd grows.

As for being upset about the room, it would be dangerous for your dd to go in the bedroom unsupervised. It would also be unfair to go impose yourself on them as has been suggested.

My dd is 14. She has a parting brush with a long, sharp point. She has lots of make up, hair curlers, nail glue and so forth. None of these are appropriate for your dd so cannot be fair dibs and the children have a right to their privacy. They are living in the house part time making it effectively their home. Your dd otoh is a visitor.

The 13 year old will probably want to go on social media, make a TikTok and FaceTime friends and so forth. Maybe read or do some homework. I have a 14 year old. She spends most of her time in her room or seeing friends. She doesn’t want to watch Moana and Frozen on loop. The 9 year old may be doing intricate Lego, the 13 year old perhaps as well. Your toddler dd could decide to eat it or stick it up her nose. I’m sure you want her to be safe.

Have you also thought to turn this on its head? Your brother only gets 4 days a month with his kids and you’re there half the time. Ideally he’d have his own place. But his side of things would be interesting.

I feel for you OP. It must feel like your daughter is sidelined and by allowing your brother to live there, it’s created a different relationship with the grandchildren.

Ofcourse there are some things I think you sound a bit inflexible on but how many of us have family grievances that sound no big deal to the person listening but can be hurtful to the person on the receiving end.

If it was me I’d say I’d like DD when she visits to have a space that’s just for her like their space is so they can’t go in your room either. Good luck.

Yes, it’s not safe. Obviously lots of parent’s choose to allow their children do things which isn’t safe.

You are a fruitcake a three year old having their own space !

I’m going to go out on (not much of) a limb here and guess that you’re younger than your brother? Was he a little bit too fond of telling you you weren’t allowed in his room or to play with his toys when you were little? Because it sounds like you’re very keen to make it clear that you’re both adults and guests in your parents’ house and he can’t tell you what to do anymore (“So therrrre!”)

Except you're not acting like an adult. And the dynamic is not the same as when you were children. And you actually don’t have an equal free rein in your parents’ house, as he lives there. You need to accept that your roles within that house are different. Maybe your parents know you are sensitive about that, which is why they have designated a room in their house as “your” room, with your family choosing the decor. Most adults with their own home don’t have this.

A big chunk of your original post was about how the kids just go off and leave your daughter, and you complained that your brother doesn’t challenge this. Yet in your subsequent posts, you think it’s him rather than the children causing the issue. So why are they going off in the first place? Their dad might be able to say “No, niece shouldn’t be going upstairs”, but he surely isn’t sending his children out of the room when they’d much rather be playing with their little niece. It sounds a lot like you want an excuse to blame him.

Little children like to explore. Are you sure your brother isn’t just using a blanket “Don’t go upstairs” in an attempt to keep her from pestering her cousins to see in the other rooms? Maybe he wants some boundaries over his space? (For instance, how/why do you know that his bedroom is messy? Perhaps he thinks you’ve been snooping.)

Maybe your brother does live more cheaply with your parents than you would if renting privately. Maybe he does get help with the children when they visit that he wouldn’t get in his own property. But isn’t it up to your parents to decide if they’re comfortable with that? Are you saying you never get any help with your daughter on your weekly visits? Your first post references finding your daughter playing football on her own in the garden… you must have assumed someone was supervising her.

In any case, even if your brother is getting a better deal financially and in terms of childcare than he would elsewhere, remember this - no one gets married and has children in the hope that, one day, they’ll be divorced and back living with their parents.

Tbh, I'm not sure I'd want my 3 y/o unsupervised in a room where a 13 y/o and 9 y/o obviously want to do "big kid" things. She might be rough with a more fragile toy, break it and upset her cousin, or they might put on a hard PG or 12A film thinking it'll be ok only for her to be scared, etc. It's possible your DB is thinking the same and doesn't want to deal with the fallout.

I know you're saying your DB is "banning her "from all of upstairs" - really though, if she suddenly wants to go upstairs when her cousins decide to go to her room, where do you think she's headed - to where the cool big kids are, of course!

Your niece and nephew sound lovely, it is nice they want to play with their little cousin, go to the shops with you etc. I don't think you need to push for more, but if you must, go to DB - do NOT bring it up with the kids behind his back!

Whilst I agree the grandparents homes also OP brothers and his children home and they are entitled have say who goes in their bedrooms. I disagree with the posters who feel that the OP daughter spends too much at their grandparents and the brother needs space see to his children. The OP children have no more right to their grandparents than the OP daughter. He is also not entitled to feel like OP daughters visit are encroaching on his time spent with his children. If the brother has any issues with OP daughters visits, he need to get his own place. So whilst the brother does live there, he has no right to sideline OP daughter. The OP parents have been very kind to allow OP and his children to live in their home but it should not be at the expense of OP or her daughter. She has every right to see her grandparents on weekly basis provided they are happy with the arrangement.

Why even reference her as “step” when she sees your brother as her dad?!! And you have repeatedly put that in there on the post…vile.

He's not sidelining her though. He's just not centreing her as OP would like.

IT's OP that has the issue here. She's mad that her brothers kids play with her kid but not as long as she wants them to, or in the way she wants them to, and she doesn't think they are allowed any space from her child or to go do stuff without it.

You can’t have a 3 year old wandering unsupervised upstairs anyway, I have a 3 year old and he would be jumping on the bed, opening makeup, rooting through bathroom cupboards where they might have bleach or razors out, maybe climb out of an open window etc etc

I think OP'S assumption was that the cousins would supervise.