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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:45

jannier · 17/04/2023 18:35

Why do it then surely you've had breakfast at home anyway.

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They are my niece and nephew- there is no way I would see them hungry. Their mother trusts that they are being fed and looked after … even if DBro is literally just spending his time staring at his tablet all the flipping time

OP posts:
Hercisback · 17/04/2023 18:45

Why can't a 3yo watch a film on her own? There aren't many films suitable for 3yos,9yos and 13yos.

I really think you're taking offence where there is none. It's normal for teens to enjoy little kids for a bit, then go and do their own thing. They aren't "dropping her like an app" she isn't their 'equal' in friendship terms.

ichundich · 17/04/2023 18:45

So if you had several older children OP would you demand they can go into each other's room whenever they feel like it?

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:46

💐💐

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 18:47

@Energydrink If the cousins invite your daughter to watch a film upstairs, what do they do when your brother puts a stop to it?

Do they not say ''Oh, but we wanted Cousin to come''? Do they not just do something else downstairs with your daughter instead?

They just disappear upstairs without a word?

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 18:48

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:40

Basically NOT how I would decorate it if I was only considering myself 😂

think super neutral natural colours but with children’s toys and nice bed linen

Show quote history

Ah right, so standard guest room neutrals? I was expecting something really individualistic like total army-jungle (like Mike from Spaced) or Star Wars/Trekkie! 😆

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 18:48

Who feeds them when you're not there?

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 18:49

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:45

They are my niece and nephew- there is no way I would see them hungry. Their mother trusts that they are being fed and looked after … even if DBro is literally just spending his time staring at his tablet all the flipping time

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Do they starve when you aren't there then?

LBFseBrom · 17/04/2023 18:49

I haven't read the whole thread so hope I am not repeating what others have said.

It does seem unfair and I feel sad for her but your little girl is only three and her cousins are a lot older. It isn't unusual for 'big' children to want to things without little ones. I also think your brother is trying to navigate his way around a difficult situation. If you feel you need to talk to anyone, choose the grandparents. They might compensate by making a fuss of, and playing a game with, your daughter when the older ones go upstairs; your brother might do so too.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:50

minipie · 17/04/2023 18:41

  1. It’s not your house. It’s not your DD’s house. She isn’t going to have free run in the same way as kids who actually live there (whether part or full time).

  2. The age gap is big. They may well enjoy playing with a 3 year old for a while. They sound like nice kids. Doesn’t mean they don’t want to escape sometmes. Most teens want to escape for a while even without a 3 year old in the mix. Or even if it their sibling. Your brother is probably stepping in to stop your Dc following them, because he knows they might feel obliged to include her and he doesn’t want them to feel under pressure.

  3. Yes they should be taught how to escape tactfully, rather than your Dbro stepping in. However this is something learned over time especially for a 9 year old.

  4. Visiting only when the other DC are not there would be pretty rude and also mean your DC misses out on seeing them, which she clearly enjoys. Cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I think the most you can do is ask your DBro if there is a more tactful way for his DC to disappear off - eg can they tell her “10 more minutes then we are stopping this game as I need some quiet time in my room” - rather than the sudden disappearance which might upset her.

I mostly agree but I have a great relationship with the ex and this issue doesn’t happen over at her house. Space is managed respectfully.

honestly, if my daughter is starting to feel sad by her interactions with her cousins at the grandparents house I don’t think I have any other choice but to talk to Dbro and if that doesn’t work then limit the opportunity for occurrences

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 17/04/2023 18:51

Correction: ...want to 'do' things - my second sentence, above post.

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 18:53

Why cant you teach your dd that she can't always get what she wants?

And that its ok for people to not want to be together every single minute?

God help you if you have another kid

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:54

LBFseBrom · 17/04/2023 18:49

I haven't read the whole thread so hope I am not repeating what others have said.

It does seem unfair and I feel sad for her but your little girl is only three and her cousins are a lot older. It isn't unusual for 'big' children to want to things without little ones. I also think your brother is trying to navigate his way around a difficult situation. If you feel you need to talk to anyone, choose the grandparents. They might compensate by making a fuss of, and playing a game with, your daughter when the older ones go upstairs; your brother might do so too.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
JackSheepskin · 17/04/2023 18:54

SIL is that you?! No, my 13 year old DD doesn’t want to spend all day essentially babysitting your child for you. 3 year olds are pretty boring for the average 9 and 13 year old. She might be the centre of your world but she isn’t the centre of everyone else’s, sorry.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 18:49

Do they starve when you aren't there then?

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Grandparents

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 17/04/2023 18:55

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:55

Grandparents

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Colour me surprised. Your poor mother.

Albiboba · 17/04/2023 18:56

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:30

what might be contributing to my frustration is that I am the one that often gets their breakfast and lunch sorted on the day that I am there. I play with them in the garden, take them to the park , out and about etc…. But if DD wants to sit down and watch a flipping movie - it is the worlds most unreasonable request 🙄

It sounds like a lot of your problems would be solved if you didn’t spend literally the entire day at your parents every week. Why not have breakfast at your own house?

It seems like quite a change from ‘they won’t share their toys with a toddler wahhhh’ to you basically parenting them all day and making all their meals because otherwise they would go ‘hungry’ but that all comes out 10 pages deep. Hmm.

HamstersAreMyLife · 17/04/2023 18:56

Tbh I wouldn't be happy with a 3 year old disappearing off upstairs without adult supervision particularly in rooms where there are likely to be unsuitable toys. I wonder if this is part of the issue.

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 18:57

You take your kid to your ex sil too?

Has it not occurred to you that they are sick of the sight of you?!

If your brother isn't looking after his kids properly then that needs to be addressed but it's irrelevant to the op

HeckyPeck · 17/04/2023 18:57

You're getting some fucking weird replies OP!

I'm not sure why posters think they know your niece and nephew better than you do!

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:58

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 18:48

Ah right, so standard guest room neutrals? I was expecting something really individualistic like total army-jungle (like Mike from Spaced) or Star Wars/Trekkie! 😆

Show quote history

neither my husband or DD would appreciate that 😅. If anything , it is my DD focused but is a nice space for DD to play and a space to store spare items that have been purchased by myself or DP

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 18:59

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:55

Grandparents

Show quote history

Why would they go hungry if you don't give them breakfast then?

If your brother would rather them go hungry than feed them himself then my concern wouldn't be if your daughter can or can't go upstairs.

melj1213 · 17/04/2023 18:59

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:40

Basically NOT how I would decorate it if I was only considering myself 😂

think super neutral natural colours but with children’s toys and nice bed linen

Show quote history

So basically it's a spare room that used to be your childhood bedroom and your parents let you leave some toys for your DD (probably so the toys aren't cluttering up the rest of their house)

It's not your room and it is not your home.

My parents still live in my childhood house, if any of us stay and all rooms are free then we will all automatically commandeer our "own" room but they aren't our rooms any more, they're all just guest rooms that anyone has equal claim to, so if someone is staying in "my" room then I just stay in another room.

Blueblell · 17/04/2023 19:00

We have all been there op, you have a 3 year old and older cousins come and entertain her for a while and it’s great because entertaining 3 year olds is hard work. You get a break ect, but you have to grateful if it lasts an hour realistically. I think you are being unreasonable but at the same time I understand it’s rotten to see your DD upset when they disappear. I would enjoy they time they spend with her and accept it’s not going to be all the time.

I wouldn’t stop going because your DD probably loves seeing them and vice versa but you just need to manage your expectations. I think the room situation is a side issue not related to the problem really.

Thepossibility · 17/04/2023 19:01

Myamoth · 17/04/2023 14:56

I thought the OP was being reasonable to be upset until I read the ages of the children - OP your daughter is 3, her cousins are 9 and 13!! Are you mad? Of course they play with her toys (with her) and don't share their own, no way are any of their toys going to be suitable for a 3 year old, they would either hurt her or she would break them. They go to their room for a break when they have had enough of baby play, that's why your daughter can't go with them. They have a deal with their Dad that he will tell your daughter she can't go in their room "because it's messy". That's not the reason at all, he says that to spare her/your feelings, the real reason is because they don't want to spend the entire day playing with a 3 year old, they want to spend some time doing more age appropriate activities. And that should be perfectly ok. 3 year olds are very hard work. I think it's really sweet that the two older children chose to spend any time at all with her, and you should appreciate that, rather than insisting the poor kids spend the entire time they are at their Dad's child minding your daughter. To use an old MN saying, you need to give your head a wobble!

Exactly this.OP is a bit blinded by love for her own child. When your DD is 9 you will feel ridiculous you were hurt that a 9 and 13 year old weren't playing with her and allowing her access to them and their stuff all day long.
I have a 3yo, 9 yo, and 11yo.
They will play with the 3 yo for a little bit to be kind, but then need the space to be able to act their age!
Otherwise it's like you are expecting them to be free entertainment for a very small child.