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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 17:40

See, I think living in your mum’s house, having your kids there every other weekend, keeping both rooms a mess and causing tension with other guests against your mum’s wishes constitutes neither appropriate accommodation nor consistent parenting
Given we don't know where they are location-wise I can easily imagine plenty of situations where this is preferable to a studio flat or shared house where the children don't have their own space.

The only reason there's tension is because an adult who doesn't live there and is a visiting guest is annoyed that her 3 year old can't have free reign over the house.

There's no reason for a visiting 3 year old to need to be upstairs in a house they're visiting (whether it is grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends). It's not difficult for a parent to keep their 3 year old with them and away from older children who actually live there.
The OP is creating an issue where there doesn't need to be one. The older children have gone upstairs, she tells her 3 year old that they're staying downstairs, end of discussion. There's no issue there from the perspective of the 3 year old. This is all about the OP's hangups about her brother's living situation.

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 17:41

You are taking it far too personally.

They are older and will have limited interest in playing with a 3 year old. If they wanted to continue to play with her like you claim then they wouldn't be disappearing upstairs and would likely call her/ask for her if they wanted her up there with them.

YABU.

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 17:42

Is the op going to go upstairs with the 3 kids?

Maybe the brother doesn't want his 2 responsible for a 3 yo?

Or a 3 yo in his room.

Simplelobsterhat · 17/04/2023 17:44

cruisebaba1 · 17/04/2023 17:34

Op isn’t territorial, her brother does that!! If he behaves like this then it’s clear why he has an ex wife. Why can’t he buy his own place……

Show quote history

That's quite a privileged comment! Lots of people couldn't afford to buy their own place, particularly whilst presumably paying maintenance to an ex.

I can never quite work out how divorced people can afford 2 homes decent enough for their kids to stay in between them. I mean, I know lots do, but I think if we ever divorced one of us would have to either move in with parents or a shared house with randoms or grotty bedsit, and I know which of the three would be most appropriate for the kids to come and stay regularly!

I'm not saying the brother is perfect in this, it sounds like he is handling the situation with his sister very badly, but I don't think living with his parents is necessarily a bad move, as long as they are happy with it and he contributes as he can. We don't know from the OP if that's the case or not.

Irritateandunreasonable · 17/04/2023 17:46

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:03

Do you not find it rude? When my daughter has friends or cousins over she does not get to just 'drop them' for another activity.

I would understand if she was aggressive or unpleasant. It is weird to share DD toys but not share back.

They don't actually live there, DD is there every sunday ( 4 days a month) DBro kids are there 2 weekends a month (4 - 6 days a month)

Show quote history

It’s their home and their room though. Why would they want such a young child in their room? They are entitled to their space and move about their own home as they are fit.

Dilemma19 · 17/04/2023 17:48

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 17:42

Is the op going to go upstairs with the 3 kids?

Maybe the brother doesn't want his 2 responsible for a 3 yo?

Or a 3 yo in his room.

I would think this as well.
Or more likely the kids complained to him about it but don't want to say to the op.

ClawedButler · 17/04/2023 17:52

I think YABU.

It's possible your DD isn't universally regarded as unendingly fascinating and wonderful to absolutely everyone 100% of the time.

It's possible your DB's kids are just kids, and want their own space sometimes, and their dad is backing them up.

It's possible that they're thinking YOU'RE rude - coming round, staking claim to "your" room, demanding access-all-areas for a toddler, expecting free babysitting from the cousins.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, just wanted to give food for thought about how YOU might be being perceived in this. Maybe if the PFB mist wears off you'll see it differently.

MiddleParking · 17/04/2023 17:52

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 17:40

See, I think living in your mum’s house, having your kids there every other weekend, keeping both rooms a mess and causing tension with other guests against your mum’s wishes constitutes neither appropriate accommodation nor consistent parenting
Given we don't know where they are location-wise I can easily imagine plenty of situations where this is preferable to a studio flat or shared house where the children don't have their own space.

The only reason there's tension is because an adult who doesn't live there and is a visiting guest is annoyed that her 3 year old can't have free reign over the house.

There's no reason for a visiting 3 year old to need to be upstairs in a house they're visiting (whether it is grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends). It's not difficult for a parent to keep their 3 year old with them and away from older children who actually live there.
The OP is creating an issue where there doesn't need to be one. The older children have gone upstairs, she tells her 3 year old that they're staying downstairs, end of discussion. There's no issue there from the perspective of the 3 year old. This is all about the OP's hangups about her brother's living situation.

Yes, I can see why it would be preferable from his perspective, but if you’re not going to house your own kids and you choose to outsource that responsibility to your own (presumably elderly or nearabouts) parents then you should be prioritising keeping all the space you’re using clean and tidy and not interfering in the dynamics your parents prefer with their other invited guests. Nothing will persuade me that a guy who’s being territorial to his sister over his mum’s house isn’t a loser, and contrary to popular wisdom it actually doesn’t do any harm to have high standards for male behaviour. There’s also every reason for a three year old to be allowed upstairs in her grandparents’ house if those grandparents want all of their children and grandchildren to feel like welcome family, which it sounds like they do - not just some children and grandchildren at the expense of others. My mum and dad’s house is pretty set up for my kids because they look after them a lot but my arse wouldn’t touch the floor if I tried to tell my siblings or nephew where they could or couldn’t go in the house when they visit less frequently, which I wouldn’t dream of doing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2023 17:52

I still have my room at my parents house

You sound ridiculous. The room does not belong to you.

Also, your DD is 3, completely different age group to her cousins.

Moltenpink · 17/04/2023 17:56

Shouldn’t the older kids have a room each now that one is a teenager?

TonTonMacoute · 17/04/2023 17:57

The problem isn't the toys, or the ages of the kids.

The problem is OPs brother who seems to dictate where OPs daughter can and cannot go in her grandparents' house. What else does he dictate in this household?

I wouldn't restrict DS visits to her grandparents, but it does sound like DB is a problem that is going to get worse.

Does he pay rent, is he there for the foreseeable, what happens when parents get old, is he going to be their carer, what if they want somewhere smaller? I can foresee a lot of upset being stored up.
DB needs to stand on his own two feet and stop freeloading.

OP is NBU, and needs to have a serious conversation with her parents.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/04/2023 18:03

Moltenpink · 17/04/2023 17:56

Shouldn’t the older kids have a room each now that one is a teenager?

Maybe they can't have their own rooms because OP apparently still needs a room there, even though she's married with her own home elsewhere.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:03

Babsexxx · 17/04/2023 14:50

This has got to be a joke as you sound that Ridiculous not to mention soo nasty in your references of the step daughter you are disgusting grow up! It’s not your room your house your anything anymore!

Those kids see that house as there second home! No way do 9yo and 13yo kids want to play with a 3yo and share toys lol this must be a troll post!

I am confused about the nastiness tbh. Step niece is an absolute dream and we have a close relationship. I am one of her favourite aunts so you have jumped to a massive conclusion, and missed your step

OP posts:
ShowUs · 17/04/2023 18:06

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 17:42

Is the op going to go upstairs with the 3 kids?

Maybe the brother doesn't want his 2 responsible for a 3 yo?

Or a 3 yo in his room.

Either OP is expecting them to be responsible for her 3 y/o.

Or she’s wanting to go in their room with them all whilst they play/watch a film.

Either way I would agree with the DB and not think it’s appropriate.

melj1213 · 17/04/2023 18:07

YABU - you are at your parents to visit them, the fact your niece and nephew are there does not mean they are obliged to be your toddler's entertainment every weekend and tbh you should be encouraging your DD not to follow her cousins upstairs - even if she is allowed to go up there it doesn't mean she should be going up if the other children have clearly escaped to have some "big kid" time without the 3yo.

I have 3 siblings, we all have kids of varying ages and we all regularly visit my parents. Currently my cousin is living with my parents as he has recently split up with his partner, can't afford to get his own place till they sell the family home and can't move back in with his own parents as he has younger siblings who are still living at home so there is no room. He has two daughters aged 3 and 6 who are with him a minimum of EOW and twice a week for tea after school/nursery.

The children all love playing together (the older kids love playing with the babies and the littles love being included in games with the big kids) but after a while they often need some down time away from each other so we don't hold it against my cousin's girls if they go and play upstairs/play on their iPad/want to go to their room to watch TV/want to play alone etc.

My DD and all my nieces and nephews understand that when they visit granny and grandpa's, if my cousin's children are there then they are "at home" while we are "just visiting" so the girls get to do things that they can't, just the same as when the children are in their own home, they're allowed to do more than visitors are.

For example my parents have lots of toys for all the kids to play with, and everyone has to share all of them, but the girls have some special toys/games of their own so if the other children want to play with anything that isn't in the "communal toybox" then they have to ask; they also have a rule to ask before getting a snack from the kitchen, but the girls can help themselves to a snack as my cousin puts their snacks for the day in a specific "snack box" and they can eat anything in the box as an when they like through the day but when they're gone they're gone; the children are only allowed to watch TV downstairs so we can keep an eye on what they're watching (unless they're sleeping over and watching a film before bed) but my cousin's girls are allowed to ask to up to their room to watch a film if they need some down time when everyone is visiting.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:07

Rosebel · 17/04/2023 15:23

Really? My teenagers are more than happy to play with DS cars and building blocks often for a couple of hours with him.
It's not as if your brother's children see your daughter every day. It's once a week.
Maybe you should ask the older kids, away from everyone else, if they want to play with your daughter. If they do then tell your brother you've spoken to the kids and they all want to play so yes she can go upstairs.
The toys is difficult as you can't force them to share. All you could do is say you've been playing with DDs toys for a, while, I think you should get some of your toys out to share too.
When my niece and nephew are round the kids all play together, they can go in any room except my bedroom and the same when we're at their house.

Show quote history

That is a good idea… I will ask them privately the issue is they actually ask for my DD. I
for instance, this Sunday, It took us ages to get to grandparents and they called me off of their grandfathers mobile to ask what time we were coming and if we could get there before they head back to their mums.

also, I needed to go Waitrose and they asked to come with. DD and I went to play in the garden and the followed to join in.

I genuinely think it is Dbro rather than the kids

OP posts:
Rosebel · 17/04/2023 18:08

jannier · 17/04/2023 17:25

The way the op is I doubt they would say what they feel ....I'd imagine them being coerced into but don't be mean, she's only little, you like her don't you etc. Your DS is in his home with your teenagers if you've taught them to allow free access that will be normal to them regardless of how they feel it's just what we expect....interesting your room is out of bounds why?

Show quote history

Why is my room out of bounds? Because it has nothing of the kids in it and there is breakable stuff in there. I trust my kids not to break it but their cousins, not so much, especially when they are all together.
Given they can freely access the rest of the house I don't think it's unreasonable to have one adult room. My children have never said they don't want their cousins in their room but I would have to respect that if they did

GoodChat · 17/04/2023 18:09

I genuinely think it is Dbro rather than the kids

Maybe it's because he doesn't get much time with them and they don't have their own space like they're used to so he's trying to overcompensate

Grapewrath · 17/04/2023 18:10

sounds like your child is a bit too young to me and your brothers kids need breaks snd space from her- in their own home that is acceptable imo

Laughloveloneliness · 17/04/2023 18:10

I really pity the posters whose family don't enjoy time together. I have 2 kids, 12 neices and nephews ranging from 2 to 16. They all hang out together and reading this thread I am so so grateful for the love they have for each other. If there's a family do the smallest are always taken straight from the parents 😊. Op, YANBU. I would have a word with your parents and confirm whether they mind if your daughter goes upstairs. If not, the next time your brother stops your dd firmly pull him up. See what he says.

Botw1 · 17/04/2023 18:10

@Energydrink

Why do you think its ok to go behind your brothers back and speak to his kids 'privately'

He's told you he doesn't want dd going upstairs

Why can't you accept that?

StephanieSuperpowers · 17/04/2023 18:12

@Energydrink , it's not a good idea. How are they going to tell you the obvious truth, that they like your DD and are happy to play for a bit but enough is sufficient?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 18:18

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:07

That is a good idea… I will ask them privately the issue is they actually ask for my DD. I
for instance, this Sunday, It took us ages to get to grandparents and they called me off of their grandfathers mobile to ask what time we were coming and if we could get there before they head back to their mums.

also, I needed to go Waitrose and they asked to come with. DD and I went to play in the garden and the followed to join in.

I genuinely think it is Dbro rather than the kids

Show quote history

That s a shocking thing to do! Why would you speak to them privately and put them in an awkward position where they will just say what you want to hear?

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 18:18

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:07

That is a good idea… I will ask them privately the issue is they actually ask for my DD. I
for instance, this Sunday, It took us ages to get to grandparents and they called me off of their grandfathers mobile to ask what time we were coming and if we could get there before they head back to their mums.

also, I needed to go Waitrose and they asked to come with. DD and I went to play in the garden and the followed to join in.

I genuinely think it is Dbro rather than the kids

Show quote history

That would just make them feel very uncomfortable if the answer is ''no'' or ''sometimes but she can also be a pest'' or anything at all that you might not want to hear.

Of course they will enjoy spending some time with you and her but at those ages, they will also want some space without a 3 year old.

ermmmwhat · 17/04/2023 18:21

Next time you go to DP house and DB tries to intervene and stop your child going upstairs just overrule him.

Just say it's okay I'm happy for DD to join her cousins upstairs and continue in that vein.

He's no right to tell your daughter, or you, where she's allowed to go. If he wants that right he should live in his own house and establish those rules there.

It's your parents house and your child is just as free to roam as his are.

I think it's a bloody cheek, and if it were my brother I'd already have asked him what his problem is