Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

Your friend is a moronic twat. You are entitled to give birth whatever you feel will be best for you and your baby.

I had an ELCS after a failed induction and it went like a dream. Out of the hospital the next day, out for walks 5 days later. I was never in any pain and i wouldnt consider myself to have a pain threshold higher than anyone else. My sister suffered more with her 'straightforward' vaginal births.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Yes I laid there, I actually had a general each time so woke up with a baby twice! It was fucking brilliant 😂 With some people it's a race to the bottom.. surely less pain and chaos is better? It comes from an insecure place.. they want people to make the same choices as them. They don't want other women to have an easier time. And it speaks volumes about the kind of person they are.

It is your choice and yours alone - and has been decided with the support of your consultant.
Your ‘friend’s’ are pretending to be all holier than thou because perhaps they’re jealous.

There’s no ‘huge scar’ with a c section - I had mine (emergency section) in 2002 and you can barely see it - it’s really pale and neat and always was.

My second birth was a Vbac birth and I can say with all honesty, if I had ever had a 3rd baby, I would definitely have opted for a section.

Because of your difficulties with previous loss and your mental health and well-being, do not feel any guilt in your decision. Your baby will be born with love and the safety of any other birth and don’t let them tell you otherwise.

Enjoy your baby and take as much support as you can after the birth. Try to accept offers of help and meals made for you if offered/buy some ready meals for the freezer etc. That initial period is so lovely but you’ll obviously be healing and exhausted. Take care of yourself and enjoy those first few weeks with no guilt whatsoever about how your little one comes into this world. All they will care about is meeting their mumma.

If she is normally a good friend I’d maybe put it down to being on a sanctimonious high after giving birth. I’ve seen it happen to the nicest of friends. Watch out though, your feeding choices, nappies, and baby milestones might be next in line for her tactless pearls of wisdom. Motherhood has a horrible way of turning really nice people into judgemental know it all wankers.

I don't think anyone can answer the route you take but you, but the comment that it's not a 'proper birth' is BS is my opinion. You've carried the baby for 40 weeks that's the majority of the hard bit done!

I had a VBAC with my first. And she was born healthy, so I call it a positive birth experience. But the rest of it was a bit of a 💩 show. Because of that I've been told by consultant to have a C-Section with my current. I'm actually more nervous as C-section mamas have to go through so much too!

However you choose to give birth, you're a warrior mum, and no one can say differently.

That's really out of order. Having a c-section is giving birth.

As long as you've looked into the risks and the benefits and are happy with your choice then it's the right one for you.

Im sorry she's said that to you.

I had an EMCS. And I'm thankful because it was the best choice for baby and myself. I gave birth and it was a wonderful joyful experience I treasure.

My scar is tiny - like, only my waxer and husband will ever see it. it's about 3in long, and so faint you'd really have to squint to see it. It healed quickly and I never had a bother with it.

The first few days are sore -but you'll get that no matter what way the baby comes out!

And it is still abdominal surgery so the first three weeks follow their post-section advice on recovery properly.

I agree with this.
For me, a C-section was always my biggest fear. It’s surgery! Freaking kudos to any woman who has one. We’re just amazing really whichever way we give birth. There is no lesser way.

Good luck OP with your new baby x

Oh tell her to shut up!

I had a C-section, baby was breach bla bla. Couldn’t give a toss how she got here, but she’s here, safe, healthy and thriving!

Every experience is different, every recovery is different. I’m a year on, have a 10cm scar that’s barely visible. Recovery was fab, no issues. For every positive story there’s a negative, but the same could be said for vaginal births.

Do yourself a favour and ditch this ‘friend’. She’ll be one of those competitive types with constant comparisons, it gets very old very quickly.

They cut me hip to hip to retrieve a mid birth canal wedged dc1 after pushing and forceps hadn't budged him. Then dc2 was also an emcs and now you basically have be centimetres from my pelvic region to spot the tiny white line which is my scar. Even dh finds it hard to see now and he knows it's there.

My abdomen is fine and whilst my mental health struggled after dc1, pretty sure it was the 70 odd hours of unmedicated agony followed by his NICU stay which caused it, not the bit in-between that saved his life.

I will add that both my csection recoveries despite being proceeded by many hours of labour were absolutely fine. With 24 hours with dc1 I was not only walking the length of the hospital but also standing to change him in his incubator absolutely fine. With dc2, I didn't need any help looking after her at all and went out for lunch when she was 2 days old. It won't necessarily be particularly tough.

Choose what works for you and ignore everything else.

Your body, your birth, your choice, and mental health itself can be a medical reason.

Some women are militant about vaginal birth and see it as some sort of right of passage to becoming a proper woman. It’s all rot; it’s bullying and their own inadequacies. Don’t give it a moment more of your attention.

Can only add to what everyone else is saying. Your friend is judgmental and unkind.

I've never understood why people go on about c-section taking a long time to recover from. I had episiotomies with both vaginal births. It took me weeks to be able to sit down without an inflatable ring! Everyone I know who had a c-section was up and about well before me.

I had 2 vaginal deliveries, do I get a badge?

Unfortunately both were very much instrumental at the end, after hours of contractions, had to go to theatre for 1 'just in case' and I was left with horrible scarring internally and externally. I was left feeling like I'd not done it properly and had horrendous PND for 2 years.

Who knows if C section would have been as awful - excitement instead of 24 hours in labour, excitement instead of fear that things weren't progressing, confidence in the medical team instead of disappointment that my body could do what it 'naturally' should, a measured and 'standard' scar instead of the mess I have down below, and all the emotional mess that all of the above brought.

You do you op. A C section may well be the best choice for you, and it will likely go very well. I wouldn't be able to stop myself responding to my' friend' to challenge what she calls having a baby come out off your body if its not called birth.

Good luck op!

Do what feels right for you. I had an EMCS with DS and an ELCS with DD. If I could go back and redo the EMCS with a calm, planned ELCS, I would do it in a heartbeat. If you’ve got this far feeling that way and your midwife/consultant is happy, then go with your instinct.

I had mine vaginally but am just glad they came out alive. Your friend is smug.
Tell her you're only doing it so the baby comes out smooth as vaginal births squish them 🤣
I'd be fading away from her tbh. Go to baby groups if you can and meet some down to earth mams.
Best wishes to you 💐💗

Giving birth, whatever way is 'properly'. I had an emergency section and the a VBAC. I don't feel either trumped the other in terms of doing it properly- granted, I laboured all day and got to pushing stage with the section, but I don't think if I had gone for a planned section I would have felt differently.

I would say, having had both. Natural birth recovering is much easier than a section. The complications and pain not being able to do things physically was much worse and took longer with the section. It was one of the main reasons I didn't accept the planned section the second time even though I was offered it.

The most important factor in giving birth is the health and safety of mum and baby. Nothing else matters.

I've had both a vaginal birth and an elective c-section. I don't think a c-section is the easier choice, and would have preferred another vaginal birth. My vaginal birth wasn't some beautiful (bleugh) unmedicated water birth, it was very medicated and difficult but still, I found the c-section harder. I don't think it's necessarily the more straightforward option that a lot of women who have had birth experiences like your 'friend' seem to think it is.

Though I would, in your shoes, reflect on what your motivation is - really dig deep. Wanting to know when your baby will definitely be here? Some certainty after so much uncertainty? I say this because I think it's worth making sure you really understand what you want from your elective section to minimise any disappointment or unmet expectations.

All this being said my c section still felt like a birth (whatever is she talking about?) and was very special to me. When asked beforehand they placed all the monitors etc out of the way so I still got some lovely skin to skin. And it was more relaxed in terms of having a day, a time etc. My best friend had an elective for no medical reason which was right for her and I would neve have judged her for it. A true friend wants you to what's best for you!

i'll let my dsis know she never gave birth other than the fact she has 2 children

what a cow thats no friend

Set aside all moral arguments, words like "proper", "real" and even "natural" are useless.

Weigh up the medical pros and cons. If all goes well a vaginal birth is much easier from a recovery point of view. I had two vaginal births and found them very easy - barely painful until the last sort of half an hour and perfectly manageable right up until baby was out. Not everyone is so lucky though, and also, with this approach, you may encounter the problem I had where the midwives apparently did not recognise labour when they saw it and I ended up I'm a frantic rush to get to a delivery room in time (which I did by ~20 mins in both cases).

Birth method also results in a very different early microbiome for baby, though what the long term consequences of this are, if any, I don't think is clear.

Personally I'd go for vaginal every time (if safe, obviously) because the idea of choosing an unnecessary major surgery seems very strange to me, but no judgement for anyone who does choose that.

Oh right so according to your "friend" I was not born! I was born via C section a long time ago (when they used to knock the mother out) and I remember my DM having quite a big scar but it had faded significantly by the time I saw it. Today I understand that the scars are less so.

Getting you and your baby out of this experience alive are the ONLY things that matter. However, it is done it is good!

Getting over a C section is probably hard but then I found getting over a standard birth hard.

I would tell her "you do you". She needs to leave you alone. She is not your friend.

If a baby is born alive and crying and the mother is healthy, then that is a successful birth of a child.

Mental wellbeing is a medical reason. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone. People repeatedly told me I had a ‘sunroof baby’ like it was glamorous despite me being gravely unwell with placenta previa.

You are the only person who has to live with your choice and your friend needs to keep her very biased opinions to herself. I am unsure why a water birth is the biggest accomplishment for people. For some, birth can be a touch and go experience with complications for mum and baby, not an aesthetically or emotionally pleasing experience. Getting out alive and well is the priority for many women.

No one should ever judge another woman’s choices about how to give birth. It’s not her body, do what’s right for you.

It’s probably about 50/50 with my friends in terms of who had a natural birth and who had a section. Some had good experiences, some not so great in both camps.

I delivered vaginally and it was no bloody picnic. 36 hour induced labour, 9lb baby, forceps, episiotomy and tearing. However, the recovery was very quick and I was back to normal life much quicker than c-section friends. Was still a pretty traumatic experience.

Do what is right for you, the most important thing is a safe delivery and a healthy baby.

I am in Australia - presumably the other side of the planet - livid on your behalf. How dare she???
As a nurse and survivor of five MCs, I have had two c-sections. One emergency with my eldest DD and the next planned with my DT’s. My scar is virtually invisible, for your information. There is only one, because they took the first one when they did the 2nd. All my kids are healthy and unlike 99% of my friends who have given birth vaginally, so are my bits and pieces. Now we’re all in our 50’s, I am shocked to discover how many of my friends have been suffering in silence from incontinence (both kinds), fistulae, scars and adhesions and other horrible birthing injuries. I don’t think there is enough genuine informed consent about “Natural” childbirth because nobody really discusses the ACTUAL percentage of women suffering from these (because - shame, and of course, Hysterical Women Syndrome means it’s not properly reported or dismissed as depression/anxiety/something you have to suck up.) At the time I was upset to discover I needed a c-section. 18 and 16 years down the track I don’t feel at all like less of a woman.
I would avoid all contact with this bloody crusader friend until after your baby is born. Just avoid talking to her at all. I wouldn’t risk allowing her into my space and risk upsetting me.

Just ignore. Especially when she's not had a c section herself! I had comments from two people which upset me, both of which hadn't had c sections. My first was an emergency, literally to save my baby! My second will be a planned one, I feel no shame. A birth is a birth!

WOW! friend sounds like an RRSE! and the "reward"? LOL. Is she jealous or something? Good luck and you will be giving birth whichever way the labour goes and it will be wonderful. Enjoy your baby x