Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

OP,

Unfortunately some judgemental women go into total over drive when child birth and breastfeeding arrives.

So tedious.

I think your friend sounds most unkind, so be careful.

Telling people firmly you are "happy with my choices thanks", is good to practice.

The single most important thing in all of this is to mind yourself and baby.

Your choices are your business.

Real friends give support, not judgement.

I wouldn't dream of doing a home birth, too risky in my view.

Would I have ever dreamt of telling my friends that? Nope.

I did say I wanted the security of the hospital for ME.

My choice.

You have had a really rough road and have done so well.

Surround yourself with positive, supportive people, and be very wary of those that are judgemental twats.

Best avoided.

I was too busy doing my best to judge others, and those were the type of friends I wanted around me.

Whilst I breastfed my children I had zero opinion on those that didn't.

Nothing to do with me.

I didn't want anyone's opinion on my choices to finish breastfeeding at 7 months.

I wanted my body back and that was MY choice.

I genuinely did a 🤚to anyone who so much as attempted to ask why.

Toughen up is good advice and be careful who you tell your business to.

Judgemental people can make early childhood hard for new mothers.

Protect yourself.

Wishing you well.

Absolutely none of their business, and to suggest that sections are more risky than VB is bonkers. In my NCT group 3 out of the 5 VB's ended in emergency sections. My own section was delayed 4 days because of the number of emergencies they were dealing with. Besides all that, it's 100% your choice and if she's not going to support you I would back quietly out of the friendship because trust me the 'advice' won't stop there. And the scar is miraculously tiny. Wishing you all the best for a safe and happy birth x

Thank you all

I can’t believe after a couple of losses and all the therapy and anxiety I have gone through with this pregnancy I am letting a so called friend ruin my evening and morning this morning. Worst of all she said this when we were out together - I wish I said something at the time but I just said “I don’t judge others on their births, never thought c section wasn’t birth” to which she replied “Well you just lay there don’t you? And do nothing”

Now after reading some comments I am really starting to think and worry that she will be judgemental to me with comments after birth and when baby arrives. I am going to ensure I do not tell her anymore information on my birth choices or parent choices.

I guess on a positive spin, what your friend was saying was that she found giving birth vaginally in water to be satisfying and rewarding and she'd like all women to experience that.

She's ignorant in many ways though - it's not always plain sailing and that's not the fault of the woman. You've already experienced pregnancy losses and mental health difficulties in your pregnancies. She's not considering that you're already coming from a different place to her.

Whether a vaginal birth is straightforward is largely down to chance. You can plan, prepare, hope for the best - but she's just been lucky. You're already managing other challenges so you might not want to throw the dice and hope to be lucky as well.

Agreed. Huge scar? Nope. Can't pick up baby? Nope. More likely PND? Nope. Stop scaremongering for no reason.

Your choices for your body and your birthing plans are as valid as hers.
You do not get extra mothering points or rank higher on the morality totem pole because you have had an unmedicated water birth as opposed to C section.
You will not be missing out, you will not have a "huge scar" and you will have given birth "properly" (whatever the fuck that means, surely the aim of a birth is a safe delivery for mother and child whatever form it takes).

I've had both my first 3 naturally and my 4th emergency section and I tell you now I'd be fuming if someone said to me I didn't give birth properly! Every birth is different so she doesn't know what it would be like next time round if she has more.

You don't just 'lie there'.

Not to put you off CS or anything, but I don't think she's thought through what it's like to have an epidural needle inserted, then lie half-naked on a table in an operating theatre surrounded by strangers in masks who cut you open, extricate a baby, put your organs back in place and then sew you up. All while you're awake. It's weird and surreal and a bit scary.

Then you spend a day or so getting feeling back in your legs, with a catheter and cannulas etc. It's weird to get up or walk without being able to use stomach muscles. Plus the toll that recovery takes on your body. It's really not like pressing a button on a vending machine and the baby pops out!

You might as well say that birth is 'just' about going through contractions and letting your body push the baby out. It's a natural process you can't do much about once it's underway.

No one gets a medal for doing birth a particular way, it's not the agony olympics! Do what suits you and screw the rest of them if they don't like it. Good luck, OP.

It's absolutely none of your friend's business how you give birth.

As lovely as it is for her that she had an unmedicated water birth, the reality is that childbirth is unpredictable and sometimes bad things happen, to the baby or the mother or both.

Whilst the "best" way to give birth is to have an uncomplicated vaginal delivery with minimal pain and no long term side effects, with a healthy mother and baby at the end of it, nobody can choose that kind of birth because you simply don't know what is going to happen on the day.

The second "best" way to give birth is to have a planned C-section, which is incredibly safe and where you and your doctors are in control of the situation. If you don't want to take the risk of an attempted vaginal birth causing complications or ending up as an emergency C-section, a planned C-section is a completely valid choice.

And I say that as someone who didn't have a good experience of her not super emergency EMCS and was delighted to have a VBAC second time round.

I’ve had two vaginal births and I’d definitely have wanted a c section if I’d had any more children. I just think you know what to expect with a planned c section and you won’t lose one or two night’s sleep.

I spent my first Labour screaming in agony because I was so determined to have a natural birth. Ended up with pethidine, spinal anaesthetic, ventouse, forceps, eight stitches. The second time I begged for an epidural and literally sobbed when they said there wasn’t an anaesthetist available (luckily one arrived shortly after), then I haemorrhaged and got a wound infection.

No-one gave me a medal either!

I had an elective c section and it was an absolutely wonderful experience. We were allowed to play music and the team were singing along to our music, and my daughter was born to one of my favourite songs. I felt so at ease and relaxed!

Recovery was good too!

Best of luck with your birth! X

'Well you just lay there don't you?' What a twit. Most women will tell you the birth is not the prize it's the baby, so even if you did just 'lie there,' which as PPs have said is not the case, who cares?! Maybe distance from this 'friend' for a bit until you're feeling a bit stronger a few weeks after you've had the baby, and feel able to tell her to off if she's judgemental.

Every birth is different, your friend could have another baby and end up with all the painkillers, a c-section, PND, she is being ridiculous.

I have had 5 kiddos as follows:

1. Gas & Air, failed spinal block, General anaesthesia and forceps to get the kid out - I was asleep when she was born, the whole thing left me with PTSD and I had PND
2. Planned elective c-section due to the above causing mental trauma and needing to be in control and awake for this baby (guilt that was hadn’t been for previous). Apart from a close call with needing a blood transfusion, it all went well, I was out of hospital within a couple of days and although I still ended up with PND I was happy with my choice and found recovery easy.
3. After being called ‘too posh to push’ by my sister and having comments made about not giving birth ‘properly’ by my SIL, I decided to go for a VBAC. I tore left to right, didn’t get antibiotics in time (group b strep) and spent hours after being sewn back up. Awful recovery, not a fan, still ended up with PND.
4. VBAC planned however the baby grew so big that they tried to induce me by breaking my waters and that resulted in an emergency C-section - thin goodness the child was huge! Recovery was hampered by sepsis, but still turned out ok. No PND.
5. Planned c-section, straight forward, easy recovery.

So you see, even the same person can have a variety of experiences - let alone different people!

My c- section scar is hardly visible and the only issues I still have are from the tearing after birth number 3.

My youngest is now 8 and the only time anyone really talks about birth now is when they are learning about it at school and they have questions about their own birth.

When I decided to go for an elective c- section, I read up on all the stats, the NICE guidelines - everything I could get my hands on so that I was well informed to make a choice that was right for ME.

Whatever you choose, you can not let the other’s experiences or comments sway you because this is your body and birth, and we are all very different.

Your friend hasn’t had your life experiences that have led you to this point, so how can she possibly comment or pass judgement?

At the end of the day, the birth is only a minuscule fraction of being a mother, it’s all that comes after that the child will remember.

Similar situation to you OP and it’s so difficult and isolating as it’s almost taboo to want an elective section. So many misconceptions and judgement about women wanting an elective because it’s ‘easier’. Even the NHS is biased due to all the risks associated with a section and getting info around this without this agenda is nigh on impossible. Everyone seems to focus on the risks of a C-section but don’t equally address the risks of a vaginal delivery though in my opinion are just as severe eg 4th degree tear could lead to faecal incontinence, forceps leading to brain damage, skull fractures, shoulder dystocia etc. I’m personally struggling to make a decision because obviously neither birth is risk free and the judgement from considering a section makes it harder. If only we all had a crystal ball to make sure our deliveries are straight forward and safe for all involved. I think ultimately you will have to make a decision and trust your gut instinct, which I know is easier said than done.

Nah she’s just a bitch.

Just before I had my first two senior work colleagues shuddered at the very thought of a natural birth “you don’t get a fucking medal darling”

Just ignore her, you are speaking with a consultant who will go through everything with you to help you make an informed decision.

Most women are able to give birth (whichever way) without the opinion of your mate, why should you be any different?

All births are births, the baby is here at the end and the health of you both is all that matters. Good luck with your upcoming arrival!!

I guess on a positive spin, what your friend was saying was that she found giving birth vaginally in water to be satisfying and rewarding and she'd like all women to experience that.

Even in that most generous possible reading she's being arrogant and presumptive - not all women want the same things as her and that's fine. OP has explained why, for instance, not going overdue is really important to her mentally and that's completely valid. Some women just hate the idea of vaginal birth, even in the best case scenario, and that's valid too! Similarly even the most positive descriptions of caesareans here make me happy for the women who wanted that and got it, but don't make me wish for it for myself. It's fabulous if you get your own 'ideal birth' but no one should be so arrogant as to presume that their own ideal is objectively superior or universal.

Ignore people who pin their whole ego onto a single life experience that is dependent on luck.

I had an emergency section. It was actually fine and my recovery was fine. My child was in NICU, which was quite traumatising. For the first year.of his life, I did retell his birth story to other mums with babies of the same age, partly because people did and partly I think I was still working through the shock of NICU.

Haven't mentioned it since he was one, never think about it. No idea how his nursery mates were born. No one cares anymore.

First year people chat shit or are looking for a foothold of confidence in the new world of being a parent. Try your best to ignore.

She's wrong. It's entirely your business what you do, giving birth however you do it best for you is the achievement. I say that as someone who has had 2 vaginally birthed children and is not having a third as a c section was the only safe option and it's not something I want. Doesn't make it any less right as a procedure it's just my personal life choice and you should do whatever sits best for you.

Good women.

She sounds absolutely awful.

What a comment to make.

Be very very wary of her.

Honestly, I would step away and be unavailable.

Tell her that her judgements comments are really unhelpful and that you need to be surrounded by positivity, not unkind negative comments.

No decent woman would EVER dismiss the experience of a C section birth like that.

EVER.

A really unkind person would.

She's 100% wrong as well.

Step away OP.

Ive had 2 sections and definitely birthed both my children.

It's really important to have all the facts before you make your decision. It's not easy. It's major abdominal surgery with risks and can lead to prolonged painful recovery (did for me)

But her silly opinions are not facts, just her prejudices.

Natural birth is overrated. Second time around I was delightednot to have to experience a single contraction. Made such a huge difference to my mental health. The recovery was easy - much easier than recovering from a tear - and the scar is invisible.

This. I'm so sick of the bullying of women that takes place under the guise of he "natural birth" movement. It's worth remembering that all the hated "interventions" that these people bleat on about (including c sections) have saved the lives of millions of women and babies).

Your friends are ill-informed and don't have your best interests at heart. I would end the friendships over this.

Your 'friend' should keep her opinions to herself; 'give birth properly' indeed. What a daft thing to say. OP, I taught reception age children and I couldn't tell you how any of them came into the world, nor if they were breast or formula fed. Hopefully this nincompoop of a friend will learn to hold her tongue; if not, get rid. Enjoy your baby!

Elective c-section was the best decision I ever made. Your body, your baby your choice!!

What a nobber she is- get rid. She sounds exactly like the type of person I despise- no real life experience but the arrogance to tell others how they should be doing things. I’ve given birth 3 times and done both types- c-section was the best way for me and I should have done it that way the first two times.

She has a very long road to travel on this parenting lark yet, she’s only just started.