Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

Tried to give birth naturally with my first, it was horrific. Utterly, utterly horrific. Elective c section was the best after that.

I was terrified of giving birth but when I was told I might need a c section I realised that I was even more terrified of that!

I take my hat off to anyone who would choose it!

I’ve had both emergency and elective c sections . Your friend is a bit of a fool . I’m not saying the recovery from c section is a walk in the park ( it isn’t ) but with a supportive partner and painkillers you should be fine and feel a lot more capable within 2/3 weeks . I do have a scar and my stomach muscles are bad ( but I could have sorted that out with some exercise ) . The reality for me though is that both my babies were at risk including the second one where there was no sign of risk at all

Firstly, ignore this person for your own sanity! A c-section is most definitely a birth but more importantly the day you give birth is the start of a new (& challenging) chapter so I would encourage you to make a choice that will give you peace.

Personally, I refused an induction (for various reasons) and opted for booking an elective c-section in the event baby did not come themselves. Sure enough, baby didn’t come and I had the c section, and although I was very upset at the pre-op appointment as it wasn’t what I’d imagined, I had the most wonderful experience, very calm and organised, and I recommend them to anyone on the fence about induction vs c section. I realise this is a slightly difference situation to yours however.

Given that you’ve expressed issues with being pregnant etc I would suggest that the certainty and control booking a c section would give you would be a positive thing. As for the scar, mine has faded considerably in 17 months and I did not find the recovery too rough.

Good luck with the next chapter & just make sure you make the birth decision for you & baby, no one else.

She is not a friend.

I have had a vaginal birth, with episiotomy and forceps with my first and a planned c-section with my second.

Personally for me, my c section was amazing. Recovery was quicker, I felt better, the anxiety and stress was gone.

Do what is right for you. My c section was right for me. For someone else it might not be, but for me, for my children, it's what I needed.

The "just lying there" comment is weird.

In my experience you don't do much during labour except manage your own pain as best you can. You don't do anything to make the contractions happen. The contractions will still come even if you "just lie there".

When I gave birth vaginally I had an epidural and then literally lay down and had a nap until it was time to push. And even then it felt more like vomiting than pushing. My baby would have eventually been pushed out by the contractions anyway even if I'd done nothing.

Overall it was much easier than my C-section.

Your friend is an utter utter smug judgemental twat for saying what she did.

The baby is going from inside your body to outside, whatever way that happens you are still giving birth

Welcome to the land of competive birthing! Hobestly, no matter how, where or what circumstances your child is born you are going to meet some sanctimonious arse that s going to preach along the lines of 'well when I gave birth,' why did you.. ',' i wouldnt have chosen to.... ',' do you not regret... ' etc etc
Feck the lot of them, it is your experience and you know why at this moment in time this feels like the right choice for you, no one else has to go through this and deal with the aftermath but you. And this is only the start of it, there will also be some fool willing to comment on your parenting whether its how and what you feed them, how they sleep, behaviour..... Make your mind up now that you are the one parenting YOUR child and no one knows the family personalities and dynamics and what works for YOUR family like those in it and those doing the parenting know best.
Good luck with the birth and honestly, dont lusten to needy peoole that need to big themselves up by making others feel shit. Honestly what kind of ass (nevermind someone that is supposed to be your friend!) wouldnt be cheering you on after all youve been through?!

All births are "proper births". She's a silly fool. Both mine were vaginally deliveries though I would have been entirely happy and accepting of a c section if things worked out that way. Definitely didn't get any medals haha, just a lovely baby, same as you! I had an epidural with my first and it was great. I was a bit shocked to get some comments from people aftewards "oh you gave in" etc. Nope I just avoided unnecessary pain and I'm entirely happy about that thanks. Didn't have time for epidural with my last baby, omfg it hurt!!! No medals for that either.

I wholeheartedly recommend c sections. Mine (multiple) were relaxing, pain free and quick. As others have said you need to be careful for a few days afterwards so that the scar heals properly but in my case it really was a few days. No complications, was out with the pram in a few days and now perfectly fine. I was always able to hold my babies immediately and breastfed them all for over a year.

The NHS is absolutely notorious for setting out all the downsides for C sections but glossing over all of the hideous side effects of a natural birth- personally I think I am now in better shape than many of my friends who have had ongoing issues with painful sex, continence issues, pelvic floor etc following natural births.

And yes also your friend sounds like a dick, I would recommend being very selective about what you tell her if you want to continue your relationship. I can not imagine her idiotic thoughts on feeding, weaning, potty training, schooling etc

The negative comments about epidurals are usually from women who don't want to think about the fact that they could probably have had the exact same result with only a tiny fraction of the pain if they'd had an epidural.

@SparklyBlackKitten that's massively overdramatic. My baby was over 5kg and I could pick her up nigh on as soon as I could walk and abdomen is certainly not ruined.

@JellyBelly50 If you can try to, make the decision to stop letting nonsense like this bother you. This new mate isn't a bloody expert - personally I'd back off from her and be guided by what you think is best for you (and advice of the consultant!)

My sister did the same thing, best decision she ever made. She totally relaxed once the c section was booked and actually got to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy..
Even on the day itself, the midwife came in and tried to convince her to have a natural birth and really nagged her.
My sister would not have mentally coped with a natural birth at all.
having the planned c section meant she went on to have a second baby too.

just ignore the comments. Good luck.

Mental health is health, your reasons for electing a C section are between you and your medical support team. Your friend is suffering from the assumption that pregnancy and birth is rosy for everyone, and that simply isn't the case. I suspect she may have opinions on a variety of parenting choices, so I'd give her a wide berth until you're strong enough not to let her opinions and criticisms get to you.

I've never had a C section (2 very different vaginal births), but to me it seems like much more of a personal sacrifice to get baby safely into the world, and that alone makes a woman a wonderful mother. The natural birth movement is an industry like any other, and your friend has fallen for it hook, line and sinker. Nobody expects anyone to undergo any other medical procedure like our ancestors did just for virtue's sake, so I don't see why childbirth should be any different.

My friends and I have had a range of outcomes but now we are all 15-20 years down the track from childbirth, the only ones with lasting issues - mostly prolapses and incontinence- are those who had ‘natural’ births. My c section scar is small and almost invisible and I have no other reminders of giving birth apart from my two healthy children.

I would highly recommend shutting down any discussion about whether your c section is necessary or not. The only people who get a say in this are you and your dr. Be rude if you need to, but do not justify. It’s not up to friends, family or colleagues to judge you. You get the exact same baby in the end.

C-section isn’t an ‘easy option’ and there are many reasons for birthing your baby this way.
It sounds like this is probably the best way for you so I would just say thanks for your concern but this is my decision.

It’s different for everyone for sure but it needs to be your choice. As long as you’re happy with your choice then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

I’ve personally had 3 complication free vaginal births and my 4th baby was born 6 weeks ago by category 1 emergency C-section and it was extremely traumatising for me it has left a huge mental scar, I could care less about the physical scar on my body but it has mentally had an awful awful impact on me. And I think because I have had 3 natural labours I definitely don’t feel like I gave birth to my baby it’s been a really difficult feeling that I’m struggling to come to terms with at the moment. But it is birth. And I would never think or say to anyone else that they hadn’t given birth because they had had a C-section so I don’t know why I feel it so strongly about myself, but I do 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think it’s maybe a bit different though as it was an emergency so I didn’t get a choice in what I wanted to do so I can’t “own” that choice you know. As lots of people have said on the thread though it is different for each person, C-section was always my biggest fear and even after having one is still my biggest fear if I did ever get over my trauma enough to have another child I certainly wouldn’t opt to have an elective one. Never let your friend make you feel bad though, if she does then she’s no true friend! Whatever you choose I hope it goes well for you x

That's just rude and naive, just go for the c section if that feels right for you! Xx

Ugh, not a friend I’d want around. She’ll be worse when your baby is here, she’ll think her parenting is the correct way to do everything.

FYI I had an emergency c-section and the scar was barely visible within a year…4 years on and you can’t even see it- with the added bonus that my downstairs is perfectly in tact. All my friends who had planned c-sections absolutely loved it. I’m getting a planned one next time.

I had a water birth and it was a complete nightmare, very traumatic. This time I will be opting for elective C section. Birth is birth whichever way it happens.

It's absolutely your choice, but having done both - a vaginal water birth unassisted, and an elcs (apparent medical necessity, not through any real choice of my own) - I would say that the c-section was, in the end, a lot harder.

They had 4 goes at getting an epidural in me, it didn't work (shitty student anaesthetist who made me feel it was my fault), so they did a spinal block. I found the experience of not being able to feel or move my legs utterly terrifying and traumatic.

i hated being in the surgical environment with so many people around me, as opposed to the vaginal birth where I was more or less alone with a couple of supportive midwives in the room.

I hated the feeling of my body being literally opened up like that and having so many different people's hands rummaging around inside me.

The pain when the spinal finally wore off was appalling and I was literally screaming for morphine. It was then extremely difficult to pick my baby up for a few days, and the healing was slow and painful. (I'm not bothered about scars.)

By contrast, although the vaginal birth was very painful and overwhelming, I was up and about half an hour later and took myself for a shower. Healing and recovery was far quicker and easier.

I am not judging you one bit. I am just saying you might want to think a bit more carefully about whether or not it really is the right option for you personally.

I had one emergency and one elective section. Was diagnosed with primary tokophobia.

My c sections were an absolute breeze. The second one I was up and about within 24 hours, home after 48 hours and life as normal within two weeks with no pain. Yes I have a scar but like my stretch marks, they’re just normal! So yes c sections CAN be an easy option - and what’s wrong with that? Nobody is handing out medals for the “right” kind of childbirth! But also lots of people don’t experience it like I did and take a longer time to recover. But that’s also the same with vaginal births.

Be secure in your own choices, don’t let others second guess yourself.

I didn't have an epidural with my vaginal birth. It was an unassisted waterbirth

When I had an (enforced) c-section with my second child, they had 4 failed attempts at doing an epidural - student anaesthetist digging around in my spinal cord while I crouched on the edge of the bed - worst physical experience of my life. She still couldn't manage to do it, so the consultant came and gave me a spinal block instead.

I found the feeling of paralysis absolutely sickening and terrifying and horrible. The pain when it wore off (suddenly) was appalling.

And then I had weird twinges down the nerves in my legs for several weeks.

I told my husband at the time that if I were ever to have to have another birth, I would rather be knocked out with a general anaesthetic than ever have an epidural or spinal block ever again.

There was absolutely nothing positive about it and I am so glad I didn't have one when I gave birth vaginally, not because I did it 'properly' but because the epidural experience itself was the stuff of nightmares.

I just want to wish you good luck @JellyBelly50
This is a massive change and your health is just as important as the baby's. I had an emergency section for one child and then a planned section for my last. They were totally different. I felt so informed and involved in the planned section process and my DH was there every step of the way. The staff were super and my recovery was gentle and step by step. I gave birth on Monday morning and was walking around albeit slowly that evening. I did the pick up from school that Friday - 20 mins walk. It helped having a buggy to prop myself up with.
Some tips - take the painkillers whether you feel you need them or not. They help you stay pain free.
Don't stretch your arms over your head or in to cupboards for the first couple of weeks. That's how your scar gets aggravated.
Roll your legs out of the bed before your body - so two movements instead of one twist if that makes sense.
If you have a high car or a very low car be careful getting in and out of it. Again, just don't pull your body.
Agree with whoever said about dim lights, warmth and so on. Create your own environment as much as you can.
Your friend was an insensitive cow and your response was perfect. Try not to dwell on it. You are giving birth, do it in the way that suits you and your baby the most.

OP, please do not listen to her. It’s your choice. I had a c section (emergency) and I was much happier to give birth that way. I know someone whose baby got stuck in the birth canal and ended up permanently disabled due to lack of oxygen. His twin was born via c section afterwards.

I would always opt for a c section as natural birth injuries can be traumatic and life changing. It’s not worth it.

My recovery was fine and my scar is not huge. I think your friend is jealous that you won’t have to push! 😁