to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow I have found your posts interesting and yes it is nice when people can talk without arguing.

I am part of a blended family and yes, it is tough. But my parents stayed together in a miserable marriage for us kids and that wasn't great either.

I don't agree that parents should stay celibate and lonely if their marriage breaks down...that is shit and lonely too. So op... are you saying that everyone who dosn't have a happy marriage should stay together? I'm confused as to what the answers are really.

Let's not forget that it is the mother, who is most commonly, the resident parent who will be expected to stay single whereas the father can go and sew his wild oats without so much of a raised eyebrow...as mothers are at fault if their marriage breaks down and the chief gatekeeper of her child's outcomes!

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

The OP was winding people up. The above comment annoyed me. Just because they were a teacher they were trying to say that they knew more how the children felt than their own parents.

Please remember this is an anonymous forum, Just because someone says they are something/someone that does not automatically make it true. Op has claimed to be many things on different posts other than a 'Teacher'.

True. That is what I tried to say but you did it much more concisely! 😆

But I also understand why that poster feels attacked as a result of people saying that blended families are mostly damaging for children, and is highlighting that when leaving a damaging relationship you have no control over whether this will happen to them because no matter what you do the other parent might do that regardless. I think that was her point. Perhaps in some ways my children are "lucky" that their father will never be allowed contact with them, so that is one less worry.

But the stats show that growing up in a toxic household is extremely negative for children, so she did the right thing to leave. Yet now they may be exposed to another toxic situation (sounds like they have been) and she feels attacked for that when reading this thread.

The fact is that stats show that it's always best for children to leave a toxic relationship.

But we never know the future of what may happen later. It is a risk they may be subjected to abusive step parents sadly. People can only hope they won't, but that obviously isn't a reason to stay in a situation you know will damage them.

If they do get subjected to a new family dynamic by the other parent that is damaging, having one stable home is a hugely mitigating factor per the data. This is usually enough for children to grow up into well adjusted adults and live happy lives, although it will have an impact of course. But they have a safe haven, some stability.

The best outcome for children if their parents' relationship is bad is for them to split up and co-parent amicably. Studies show that if this happens their outcomes are indistinguisable from those of the nuclear families who are happy and remain together.

The worst thing for children is instability: separation of the parents and then new but unhealthy relationships with people who don't treat the children as the priority over their relationships. It is clear that the chances of a happy childhood for the children are reduced further when the step-parents also have existing children and unrelated kids are made to live as siblings. Or when the parents have more children with new partners. Or there are multiple new partners over time. Or when both parents do this, even worse. Or when the child is particularly unlucky and a step parent is abusive.

The data shows all of that. None of that is surprising and really shouldn't be! The problem is that people are often blinded at the time by other considerations and don't think about the implications enough or realise the level of risk or damage that is done, the lifelong consequences for the kids.

A more cautious approach is clearly better, and it seems from posts here that in many cases blending is actually beneficial for the children, not just "not damaging", and being cautious will mean fewer get it wrong, but as my own childhood demonstrates, not always. The stats remain. 😔 I do think those posting here are a self-selecting sample (on both sides!!) and while it may work out wonderfully for some the fact is that for the majority of children in this situation it does not. This should be recognised and accepted.

@daughtersanathlete should not feel guilty, neither should those with blended families where the children are genuinely happy. But please can we not pretend it's the norm for children to be happy in that family set-up. We do know that for a fact if we look at the data. They are most unhappy on average, have more mental health problems, less chance of a stable family life themselves and are also at significantly increased risk of childhood abuse. And that matters.

When you look at the posts here from children who grew up in those situations rather than the parents you can see that the general experience was not positive. Research bears this out. Of course there will be exceptions and it's lovely to read those, but let's not kid ourselves that is the norm. It's not. ☹️

I am an ex teacher and there were miserable kids from all walks of life.

I mean, if I had a crystal ball and I could know 100% that a man was not abusive or unpleasant or even just lazy and annoying 🤣 then once my children were older it'd be great to have a relationship again. But not to live with them, children aside I would not want that. People are different though and I do understand that other people do want that!

However, I do think many people choose to ignore the risks - not just of abuse but also further disruption and trauma - to children of going down this route while they are still children. If all of the evidence and risks have been properly considered and it's still worth it then that is their choice, but I think too many people are blinded by "love" or the feeling they need a partner for the sake of it rather than because of that specific person or financial reasons as a PP mentioned or just wanting to fit in and conform or whatever, and not really thinking about the children enough.

And there is no crystal ball. So the risk is huge. What happens if it doesn't work out, again? What is the impact then on the children?

Nobody wants to start a new relationship thinking "what if it doesn't work out?" but if you have children, to be responsible, you must.

Many here obviously have considered it all properly, and it's worked out well. Some judgement and a bit of luck. But for many, even second time around, it doesn't work either for them, or DCs, or both. And tbh the ones who are more likely to be making those poorer choices as I said are not the ones on this thread who are living very happy lives in blended families. And the single parents posting here also won't be the ones neglecting children and not providing for them properly etc.

Being grouped in with people because you share on characteristic and then hearing the group criticised will put people's backs up and result in anger and arguments and entrench things further.

Lots of blended families are shit for kids. Lots of single parents are shit for kids. Lots of toxic nuclear families are shit for kids. I'd prefer us all to focus on how to adjust our societal system to remove stigma from all of these, implement evidence-based policies and make it easier for all parents to have more options to make the best choices for their particular family so everyone has better outcomes.

I think 75% seems awfully high. I have a stepdad who I knew from the age of 8 and there were often tensions but a lot of this was down to my own dad being very absent a lot of the time. My stepdad was strict but fair and essentially brought us up as his own. His own children weren't particularly friendly though we didn't live with them and he doesn't speak to them much now as his daughter particularly has been horrible to my mum during difficult times. I had friends with step-parents where some got on well and others not so much. One of my own friends is a step-mum and has a very good relationship with her step-daughter (she's known her since she was 4).

His own children weren't particularly friendly though we didn't live with them and he doesn't speak to them much now as his daughter particularly has been horrible to my mum during difficult times.

So little insight in this comment. Do you think his children are gratuitously horrible people inherently, born with some sort of brain abnormality that makes them unpleasant? Or do you think it more likely they found their childhood and the subsequent blending of families and arrival of new half siblings (who appear to have no affection for them at all) traumatic? And that their father blaming them for that, rather than addressing the issue that was at least partly caused by his own behaviour and choices as an adult whose job it was to put them first when they were just children, might be a large part of the reason for the fractured relationship?

This type of thinking (or lack of) is exactly the problem.

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow thank you :) I tried to remain factual.

factually speaking out society and the family are breaking down and it is having catastrophic effects on our children.

That is no individual persons fault. It’s a result of how society has shifted.

From your comment @hufflepuffbutrequestinggriffindor it sounds like their father is perfectly happy to play happy families with his new wife and her children and have no meaningful relationship with his own children, blaming them for reacting negatively to feeling pushed out, when actually him doing not having fixed this confirms that how they were feeling was absolutely accurate and he's still continuing to live his daily life as though his own children barely exist. You mention nothing of what he is trying to do to make up for this damage that he created.

Of course such behaviour has lifelong consequences for those children he left. And yet you, one of the new "siblings" in their family imply it is their fault that their relationship with their father has withered when this situation was forced on them, as children, and likely did irreparable damage to them. They are not to blame for that. Your step-father is to blame, for prioritising a new wife and her children over the needs of his own children. Why wasn't he there for them properly and making sure they had a good relationship through to adulthood and beyond?

The best thing I did for my kids was leave my ex. I’m not getting into the whys and how’s of that but it was. Absolutely 100%.

goven that they’re now unhappy with a blended situation not of my making, what am I supposed to do about it?

they have more stability and security now with me having been (and effectively still am) a single parent. But then I’m told that
kids in blended families aren’t happy

well duh. Mine aren’t. But I can do fuck all squared about it.

i would like @Nimbostratus100 to answer ky points around this. And also where the kids that are not happy when their parents don’t have a good relationship fit on the poll.

thank you.

*given

*my

No, it's no individual person's fault. However, we all do have choices about what we will prioritise, so the situations in specific families are absolutely the responsibility of the adults in those families and if they caused huge stress, trauma or mental health problems for their children by making selfish or simply just bad choices when the data was there already showing the choice would likely turn out to have that negative impact, then the responsibility does rest entirely with the parent for doing so. Obviously some things are unpredictable. But many, many of the sad and tragic stories and much of the damage done to children is completely avoidable, if the adults in their lives actually cared enough to put their needs first.

You wait. You be their rock, their safety, their stability. You pick up the pieces like you always have and comfort yourself with the fact that you did not cause this, you did the right thing because the alternative was even worse, and you protect them and listen and validate their feelings and wait some more. And before long they'll be old enough that they can decide where to spend their time, and they won't have to go there and be mistreated anymore because they won't want to. One day they will be very grateful for what you did and know that you did all you could to protect them. 💐

But I agree with you, it is wrong they're being subjected to this if it's making them so unhappy. The system in the UK is meant to put children's needs first, but it doesn't at all. 😔

Your stepmother really does rival mine. What a horrible woman.
Do you still speak to your Father?
Your story resembles mine somewhat

If you’re talking about teens, this doesn’t surprise me. Problems with birth parents and teens are pretty standard, so no surprise that there will be problems with a step parent as it’s a difficult role to navigate with a hormonal teen/tween. If you asked these same kids when they were adults/much older teens, a large percentage would probably give you a very different response.

You could ask children of that similar age whether they have a problem with their teachers and probably the same percentage would say yes. A lot of it really is down to age. I had issues with my step dad and argued a lot with him from around the age of 12-15, and sane with my
mum. Then I grew up and realised that he was a good guy just trying his best and I was the one more often than not causing problems. It’s ever been thus with teenagers.

Slightly random musing but I wonder if blended family type situations are easier in a society with a more communal approach to living as opposed to being based on the nuclear family.

I was a really insular teen and I'd have hated having to share my living space with someone I hadn't grown up with regardless of what they were even like. In a culture where extended families, lodgers or sharing a home with another family are the norm maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal.

I have told you what I think - I think most blended family situation are unhappy as I have defined unhappy. The poll and this thread seem to bear that out

Will you admit that some blended families are happy? Happier than if their unhappy parents stayed together and the stepparents are nice people!

@Nimbostratus100 What age did you teach?

In the OP they literally say that they think 25% are happy!

There are also options that aren't stay in an unhappy relationship or blended family. Be single or date but don't blend.

My unpopular opinion is that it is absolute craziness to expect your children to happily live with and form a relationship with a person just because you are in love with them.