to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

Elastom I think it's a really normal situation. Most teenager go through a stage where they hate everyone. It's easier to channel that angst at someone who isn't your birth parent, and step parents are human beings, so at times they don't deal with the shit in a calm, measured way and in the eyes of the teen they become the bad guy/girl. We have to remember that teens don't have an adult level of emotional maturity, so they can kind of be excused to a point for their bad behaviour, but also parents and step parents aren't emotional beating boards with no emotion or feelings either. Mostly the teens grow up and get this. Polling them for statistics of happiness at such a difficult age doesn't prove a lot in my opinion. Ask them 10 years later and if they still feel the same maybe the statistics would have some real meaning.

The OP's original comment was that she thinks 75% ish of kids in blended families are unhappy. So if you're in a blended family and you're happy; there's no need to get upset by that because obviously you're not one of the unhappy ones she's talking about. It is possible to have a happy blended family dynamic; I think they probably are in the minority based on personal experience and observed experience, but I have seen them exist.

In this thread I do see a lot of adults coming forward and talking about their really unhappy, sad and in a lot of cases; abusive experiences in blended families. That should never be glossed over or invalidated. I won't go into my own experiences here in detail because to be honest, I'm still really affected and upset by it even though a majority of it happened to me as a legal adult. I do think that was probably for the best, because I wasn't a particularly hardy child and without the support network I currently have, I think I can safely say had I gone through that as a child/young teen I probably would have committed suicide. And none of it was even physical; just intense and sustained rejection from blood parent(s) and their new partners. I should say initially, I was excited to be a part of a blended family. Rejection by a parent is one of the most ... intense (I can't think of a better word. It's more than that actually) things I think you can go through. You're biologically wired as a child to try to be close to your parent and be a part of the group. It will affect me for the rest of my life.

As I say, my saving grace was that the majority of it happened to me as an adult. My mother always, always, always put the man/men in her life before me. I think it's probably better that she stayed in her original (still awful, abusive) relationship with my blood father as long as she did, because in her own words 'she shouldn't be trusted to make the right call when it comes to men'. She said that in the gap between my blood father and her next boyfriend. I maintain that it was better the devil we knew; my blood father did not sexually abuse me or beat me to the point of hospital. I think she was absolutely capable of becoming involved in another relationship that could have been like that, and I think she would have stayed/defended her new man over her child. She was not, and never has been, capable of being without a man and just living by herself. I'm not saying that's all single mothers, I can only relate to my experience personally, and the experience of my family (aunts and uncles) and also close family friends. As I say, I have seen it work and work well, but that shouldn't invalidate the experience of what I honestly feel is a hell of a lot of people, living with the choices of their parents forever.

@ziggiestardust your post is very thought provoking and sad.

I can't understand how any woman would put a man before their child. I am with my child's biological Dad and I still would put my child first before him.

I will say I appreciate me and my friends have been fortunate in our blended family situations. None of my close circle have had bad steparents as youngsters and seem to have been lucky/sensible in choosing new partners.

I do understand that there are some awful experiences for a lot of people.

@Nimbostratus100 did say 75% originally but then tends to insist that most blended families are unhappy and that we don't know how our children feel. I ask both my DC and DSC how they are feeling about all sorts of things.

I think teachers will mainly hear the bad experiences because I know mine wouldn't be bothered to tell a teacher about his homelife because he didn't need to.

It would be interesting to compare this with teens with both parents still together and see how many of them are "happy", or teen in a single parent family with no step parent.

Having been part of a blended family and have cousins & friends who also have been, I’ve seen both sides of the coin.

Friend & Cousind had amazing step parents, great relationships with them, however, one came to the family as a single person and the other did not move in their children, so maybe this was the difference?

I was part of a step family and it was a disaster. Step sibling did not want to share their mother at any cost, we were forced in to sharing a room and they absolutely hated me. Step mother didn’t have the time nor energy for me, did the minimum required and made no attempt to form a real relationship. Was very hard for me growing up and in to adulthood as my natural born mother was not on the scene.

Based on my own experiences, if myself and DH had ever to part I probably would not form any sort of blended family until my own DC were adults.

This is a huge generalisation, and it’s unfair to label parents as selfish or putting their needs above their children.

Children grow up miserable in family homes, where parents argue day in, day out. Is it better to leave them in that situation?

My parents divorced when I was 4. I now have a stepfather, stepmother and 2 step siblings and it was the best outcome for our family. My stepdad has been a rock to myself and my sister, and raised us as his own since we were 6 years old, and our stepmother since we were 10. Now all of us “step kids” are well into our late 20’s, and we all get on great (and always have done).

I probably had less arguments with my step siblings and parents than my biological sister! What’s key here is that all parents made clear that no parent was being replaced, we were simply getting bonus parents.

Not incredibly common at all. Very much in the minority.

I don't why you refuse to believe that many half siblings do like each other but it does happen more than you choose to believe.

I agree with this - particularly depending on when the split was and how acrimonious it was which could increase risk of dissociative disorders plus genetic dispositions within the family- you may be more likely to split if one of the parents has, for example, personality disorders and the dc may also be genetically predisposed.

So you will have a mix of increased risk of issues caused but the split not to mention the individuals themselves- and then you blend that with another mix of issues - possible 4 times over. Imo it is too complex to even begin to theorise or generalise as to why you see such issues

This is such utter BS. You have no actual data, only your own judgmental bias. This thread is toxic AF

I think the thread is very measured in places with honest posts from those who have blended their families, and those who have been raised in one.

@SailorsWife a lot of people on here, if you read through; are talking about their own personal distressing experiences in blended families, as they are as adults now. Those experiences are valid, and shouldn’t be silenced because it doesn’t fit a narrative. If it doesn’t fit your personal experience (and there are plenty of people who had wonderful, positive experiences!) then you don’t need to be upset by this thread, because those negative experiences don’t apply to you. Even as someone coming from a non positive experience; I can see that others had good experiences. And that’s great; I’m truly, truly happy for them because all children should be loved and made to feel wanted. But that isn’t the case for a lot of us.

@CheezePleeze absolutely, and I applaud all those who have come forward with their personal experiences to share, good and bad. It has made a really interesting thread to read through.

I am reassured to read this as I’ve been a single parents since my children were small and they are now fast approaching adulthood.
I tried dating in the early days and quickly realised the compromises would be too harsh for the kids.
Sometimes I feel that I should have modelled a good adult relationship to them with a new partner but I’ve seen so many of my friends do this and often am struck at the compromises their kids have to put up with.

Yes they’re temporarily unhappy with the split, but living with a stranger they have absolutely no attachment to is a different type of trauma. How would you like it if you were forced into living with a stranger right now? It’s horrible for the kids. Even without abuse it’s still likely an uncomfortable situation.

@ily0xx spot on

@ily0xx 👏 👏 👏

True, obviously not the case for all though, not all would be strangers for example. It is just all about risk factors imo, and increased risk of certain factors being in play, and once you blend your risk factors increase. Obviously these are just risks so there will be many cases where all is amazing, many where no detriment, but obviously the risk is there, and it is heightened based on circumstance and individuals involved, in some cases.

It is so very complex.

Not incredibly common at all. Very much in the minority.

Says who? I have seen people saying they love their half siblings and view them like full siblings countless times. Comparatively, I have rarely seen people say they wish they didn't have half siblings.

I don't know why you can't read.

I can read thanks.

There are more than the opinions on this thread.

My experience is is that non of my friends or family who have half siblings dislike them.

If that's what you even meant.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave I see you are one of those people who believe that no parents know if their children are unhappy and we are delusional.

You are wrong and I'm sorry if your experiences are different but some people are close to their children.

I can both read and properly comprehend, so I see the big discrepancy between the percentage of parents claiming their children are happy and the percentage of children (now old enough to post on MN) saying how unhappy they were. A good number even adding that they hid their unhappiness from their parents.

So your posts don't hold a lot of weight. For multiple reasons.

@LaDamaDeElche my parents were and still are married, I was miserable and depressed, so much so I left home at 17. Had tried to end my own life about three times before that point. I'm 26 now so not really a relic of a bygone time either.

MN is not the whole population. Most of my friends wouldn't use it so wouldn't be telling their happy stories on here. They are happy and are just living happy blended family life.

I'm not going to make my DC/SDC come on here and swear on the bible that they love each other.

Just because you may have had a bad experience don't be ignorant and bitter that other people aren't happy.

My SC are adults. They have their own children. They still have a very close relationship with their half sibling. They aren't doing it to keep peace. They love him and he is Uncle to their children.

So sorry to prove you wrong but you are.