Nc for this. I am a social worker so this is both my personal and professional experience.
On one hand it’s brilliant that relationships can be relatively easy to walk away from these days. There’s benefits to support single parents now and women can work professional jobs and there is little stigma about breaking up or divorcing. People can now leave toxic relationships much more freely and are not shackled to an idiot they married at 20 when they’re 50. All great stuff so far.
However the flip side of this is when children come into play. There is a massive breakdown of both the family unit, extended family and general community which is wrecking havoc on our children. The fact that the pursuit of our own individual happiness above all else has been rammed down our throats in recent decades has not benefited society, children or ourselves. This is reflected across all classes and the impact has resulted chaos, lack of stability and mental illness in our community.
typical modern day example:
Becky, 20, has a baby called Bella with Harry 22. After several years the relationship breaks down due to infidelity, Becky now 24, leaves with now 4 year old Bella and sets up on her own and Bella stays at dad Harry at weekends. Becky and Harry love their daughter and coparent amicably.
Becky always wanted 3 dc and of course marriage and companionship like everyone else. Of course Becky has a right to happiness and should not write off her right to love, marriage and family at 24 years old.
Harry also desires a partner and is only 26 years old. He too should not be destined for life without a life partner at 26.
So Becky and Harry both start dating again. Harry is able to date quite a lot due to not being the resident parent so quickly manages to have 3/4 relationships over a 2 year period. As hes able to spend a lot of time with each new woman he dates it progresses quit quickly each time meaning that Bella has met at least two girlfriends over the 2 year period. Neither relationship has lasted which happens but Bella has now gone instability from her mum and dad splitting up to meeting 2 of dads ‘friends’ and never seeing them again and she’s still only 6 years old.
Becky hasn’t been able to dad as freely as Harry due to childcare commitments and work. She dates when she doesn’t have Bella but it’s harder to keep the momentum of a new relationship going when you have little free time. Eventually she meets Dan after 18 months of being single. Dan is really sweet and a great match for Becky. Becky introduces Dan to Bella and they get on great. Becky moves Dan in after a year. Bella is now 6.5 years old.
Everything blends well. Bella gets on well with Dan and her dad Harry has now also found someone called Rachel who she regularly sees at her contact time at her dads. Rachel regularly brings her own 2 kids over to play with Bella who are a similar age.
A further year down the line and Becky and Dan are married and start TTC and Becky is pregnant. Harry has also moved in with Rachel and her two children. Becky and Dan have their baby and Bella dotes on the baby.
At this point Bella is now 7.5. She has two ‘step’ siblings at her dads house and a ‘step mum’. She has a ‘step’ dad at her mums house and a new half sibling.
A further year on and Harry and Rachel have now broken up as moving in together hasn’t quite worked out. It ended amicably however Bella will likely not ever see Rachel and her two kids again.
Becky and Dan have also welcomed another baby.
Wind forward to 5.5 years. Bella is 14, Becky 34 and Harry 36.
Dan has changed since the two dc came along. Generally lazy, not pulling his weight and being crap all around. Becky has tried and tried to make it work with Dan but he doesn’t change. Becky decided it was easier to go it along and leaves with her 3 dc.
Harry in the last 5.5 years has also met someone. Over the 5.5 years they have moved in together and him and the new partner have a baby on the way.
…..
So if we look at the above. Bella has gone through so much by the age of 14 years old. She has made connections with people (Rachel, Rachel’s kids, Dan) that have been broken, she’s witnessed break ups, adults moving in and adults moving out. She’s dealt with new siblings etc all by the time she’s 14 years old. Infact realistically she experienced a lot by 7 years old.
Now do I think it’s wrong for Becky or Harry to have desired relationships/companionship after Bella? No. Not at all.
But where do you draw the line? Becky now has a 5, 7 and 14 year old. Harry a 14 year old and baby.
Now look at the general impact of this to society:
Chances are Becky will probably at some point want companionship again as a woman in her mid thirties which will repeat the blending cycle to her younger dc if the new partner has kids of his own.
Dan will likely go on to meet another another woman. She may have kids of her own inflicting blending to her own dc and Dan and Becky’s dc.
Rachel probably met someone else after her break up with Harry thus inflicting blending with another man onto her kids. Rachel’s kids dad may have also done the same.
If Harry and his new partner don’t work out then his new partner will probably also go on to date again especially if she wants more dc, thus also repeating said cycle.
….
So where does that leave the children in our society? Unstable home environments from almost every direction. There is a mental health crisis with our young people and I strongly believe the current breakdown of family/security/stability/community is a massive factor amongst others.
I purposefully left abuse out of this typical example. However when you also factor in abuse and the fact that it’s statically higher for children to be abused by stepparents/boyfriends/girlfriends within the family home. Then it’s actually chilling. At least of those children in the example (Bella, her half siblings, her parents partners children) will be abused at some point on top amongst the various blending.
But abuse aside, where do you draw the line?!