to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

The happy families are not usually seen by social workers.

The whole cross-section are seen by teachers like the OP though. And by the researchers who have done the academic studies on the topic.

The social workers' view and the view based on people who post on Mumsnet will both likely be unbalanced, in opposite directions.

Lovely.

This is more common than some people like to admit.

I'm not sure I trust the OP and I have teacher/TA friends who do not say the same thing.

There are so many reasons why a child may be unhappy whilst living in a blended family. Is there actually any evidence that proves this theory? I don't mean percentages but actually studies involving psychologists who have delved into the reasons for their unhappiness.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/

Here's one study on marital breakdown.

Thanks. That about children being happier when both parents are at home in general (bar abuse etc) and not to do with children being unhappy in blended families.

So upon that basis, we should not end our marriages for the sake of the children?

Walden University
https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu › ...PDF
The Long-Term Biopsychosocial Effects of Children Reared in ...

So upon that basis, we should not end our marriages for the sake of the children?

People can make their own decisions. But an informed decision includes knowing that many longitudinal studies demonstrate poorer outcomes for children with separated parents - where that separation wasn't a result of a violent relationship.

For some, that mean sticking in marriages that feel lacking in one way or another and for others it might mean mitigating the fall out for their children by prioritizing stability post -divorce. Others will insist that children are endlessly resilient and happy to remain adaptable to all the changes their parents impose upon them in the pursuit of their own happiness.

As a child my parents divorced when I was fairly young, at a time when it was still unusual (only one in my class etc)
My stepmum has been in my life since I was young and my stepdad since an adult.
It's not all been sunshine and rainbows, because that is family.
I've never been treated as anything other than family by either and I love both my step parents dearly. My children have grown up with additional grandparents that dote on them as well (and who help us share the childcare issues)

I guess technically my husband and his family are step-family to my eldest, but it's never felt like that at all, he has never been treated as anything other than a full family member, but bio-dad has never wanted any involvement which does simplify things a bit there. So I'm more speaking from the point of a child/adult child than as a parent

I would like to think that our situation of being a family whether blood or marriage got us there, isn't that unusual.

well, we were local council, so yes, carefully monitored. I am sure there are rogue agencies out there

YANBU. And the stats for kids forced to live with a step parent are pretty grim.

So when you said, For a start, foster children and own children are never left unsupervised together even for a moment. And social services monitor the relationship constantly. you knew that wasn't true for every fostered child? My neighbour definitely did not supervise her own and fostered children all the time , no where near in fact and they certainly weren't monitored by social services constantly.

I'm not sure how children could be supervised 24 hrs a day, what about when they are all in bed and parents downstairs? Do they never play in the garden while mother is cooking, how does mum ever go to the bathroom, if the postman rings the doorbell does she gather all the children together to answer the door? Doesn't sound very likely to me and it isn't like any foster family I know and I know some lovely foster parents and I've sat in the kitchen having a coffee and a chat while all the kids play, totally unsupervised.

An example from my acquaintance:

Her mum remarried and had another child. Her new stepfather then left them. Her dad's family were super welcoming to her half sister even though she was not biologically related to them. Her mum then married for a third time and is blissfully happy with him, she gets on well with his kids and even babysits his grandchildren regularly.

Five years ago, I would have said that they were a shining example of how well blended families can work when families are open to it and treat each other equally. But it turns out that her grandad regularly raped her half sister throughout their childhood and is now facing criminal charges. It's torn their family apart.

So in answer to the OP's question - yes I do know some blended families that are very happy, but I also know this one which has been a total shit show and I also know several more where one or more person is quietly unhappy.

I don't doubt the folk who are coming in to say that they are blissfully happy and genuinely that's great for them but equally I know that on some of those cases other people involved may not be as happy. My acquaintance thought her half sister was super happy.

YANBU. I was the child in the situation and contrary to what many are saying, I wasn’t upset about parents splitting as they split shortly after I was born and an only parent was my normal. We (or at least I) were very happy until step parent and Step sibs were in the picture. Step sibs moved out a year later as we weren’t getting along at all and step parent finally went away eventually after many years. I did end up moving out at 16 as I couldn’t stand them and the relationship with my parent is broken down to this day. As a grown up I’m still to see a well functioning and happy blended family (many of my friends created blended families, some my extended family is in blended fam situation) as there is at least one broken down relationship.

maybe, but I didn't and many dont - sp children never left together unsupervised even for a few seconds

You still haven’t answered my questions.

my questions are

where in your pool do you take account of children who would’ve been unhappy if their parents had stayed together?

And I’ll ask. so what? The children are unhappy because of a situation not of my making. What am I supposed to do about that? Your post is judging me equally to my ex, and yet there is nothing I can do about what he does or did on his time.

it’s a horrible thread.

1. some children are unhappy with their natural parents for all sorts of reasons - not in the same order of magnitude though

1. Answered earlier

You can’t possibly know the order of magnitude. Your poll is unscientific in the extreme.

j don’t believe you had social workers constantly supervising the children in your care. Or the relationship you and your other child/even had with foster children. I have literally never known that happen.

There's a way to go about it the right way that doesn't always happen. You have to choose a good partner for your child as well, who isn't a jerk. There needs to be a plan for how to co parent step kids and manage the issues and expectations that arise.

On AITA there's lots of examples of poorly blended families and of course, the kids pay the price.

Well of course I know the order of magnitude of my own experiences! AS to the rest of your post, I dont even understand it, so cant comment

Oh FFS. There are many that studies show it’s much worse for children to be a step family than live with their parents.

This is not a horrible thread, what is horrible is the amount of selfish parents forcing their kids to live in a crappy step family situation because they want to move in the new boyfriend.

https://www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/family/parenting/why-children-with-step-parents-are-more-troubled-12765482

I’m so glad as a kid my mum remained single after my parents divorced and I wasn’t forced to live with a stranger who barely tolerated me.

@ily0xx what’s your point? I stayed single for 15 years

@Nimbostratus100 so you had social workers living in your house? That’s extremely unusual but ok.

Yanbu
i think single parent families function far better than those in unhealthy or unhappy marriages or partnerships and I HATE the term broken family. However, when a separated parent brings a new partner and kids into the mix it very rarely works well for everyone. I work with families and I honestly can’t think of one family I know professionally or personally where everyone is happy and settled within a blended family dynamic
I certainly believe parents should move in if they wish but I personally would keep the two households as just that.

This really resonates for me. I grew up a step family with two older half brothers from my mum’s first marriage. I remember my brothers clashing with my dad quite a bit when they were teenagers, but as adults they both say he was a great step dad and are closer to him than their bio dad, their kids call him granddad etc.

I do think it’s hard to make step families work but then it’s hard to be a good parent. I had very good parents and they made it work, there was no hierarchy between us all as siblings. I can fully appreciate that isn’t always the case.

Great so we agree that when you said that they are never left alone unsupervised you were actually talking about your experience and not all foster care arrangements. Glad we cleared that up.