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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

534 replies

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP posts:
Mirabai · 18/04/2023 13:25

Good to hear it OP. There’s a lot to be said for a man who supplies flowers, bath oil and chocolate unprompted 👍🏼

WitcheryDivine · 18/04/2023 13:30

That’s brilliant and well done both of you. Pointing out that at work he’d never even think of neglecting something bloody obvious for lack of a grown up there to tell him to do it was a solid move! I also respect him for eventually admitting to his procrastination because it’s an absolute blight and embarrassing.

hope you both enjoy a bunny over your jobs session tomorrow and love and harmony reign

saraclara · 18/04/2023 15:05

Great result OP, well done for approaching the conversation logically, and to him for recognising the logic.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2023 15:56

So he does fuck all around the house, or with the kids, then buys you daffodils and you're OK with it? Sort things out. Properly.

You are being taken for a mug.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 18/04/2023 16:00

KeepingKeepingOn · 18/04/2023 12:59

Ok, a bit of an update.

We spoke last night and I explained how it frustrated me that he hadn’t made the most of his time to make a hole in our shared list, especially given that he had had some down time at the beginning of the hol.

Initially met with defensiveness - apparently he doesn’t use the list because I haven’t reminded him of it or referenced it recently 😂 I called that out and told him to listen to what he had just said and think about the implication of it. He then spoke again about the weather and I pointed out that there were many other things on the list that could have been done inside; and, indeed, many other things not on the list he could also have done. He asked for examples of the latter - I pointed out the uniform / laundry. He said he ‘didn’t even think about it’ and I ‘just see these things’. I called that out as absolute bollocks and said there’s no way he would even think to use that in his work setting as a reason to not pull his weight. He acknowledged that and apologised.

Finally he cracked and said (as others have identified on here) that he’s a procrastinator at heart and thought he could avoid outside jobs (because of weather) and then rush around on Sunday getting everything inside done. But that plan hadn’t worked because, surprise surprise, he couldn’t put a tricky blind up with a 2yo, he’d wasted time trying to work it out and run out of time to do anything else. I told him (lightly) that he’s an absolute twat not to have worked out by this age that you can’t get much useful done with a toddler - and also that procrastination rarely works when children are involved.

I also told him that he had, bluntly, taken the piss and it felt pretty disrespectful and he agreed that he had and apologised profusely.

We discussed taking kids out of private nursery and putting them in term-time care; he thought that was pretty sensible on a financial basis and is going to do the maths (would likely mean more ad hoc wraparound etc). Of his own accord, he has committed to using his evenings this week to do some of the more pressing stuff (Gran’s present WILL be sent!) and I get both lie-ins this weekend and Saturday morning to myself. He has recommitted to the list system and has put time in our family calendar every Wednesday to go through it together to prioritise.

He also alerted me to the fact that he had filled the house with daffodils (favourite flower), had stocked up on my favourite bath oil and had nabbed a load of Lindt bunnies in readiness for my return on Sunday night 😄

Well done. I hope he sustains this and respects you.

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/04/2023 16:06

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy did you miss the first 7/8 of the post? The bit where he admitted being shite and planning for improvements?

Winnipeg23 · 18/04/2023 17:58

Give the man a break. If he says he's exhausted, he's exhausted. I'm a teacher. It's blooming exhausting. As long as he's not lazy all the time just let him be and don't nag him.

Winnipeg23 · 18/04/2023 18:01

I'd be pretty annoyed if my husband wrote me a list and fell out with me if I hadnt completed it.

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/04/2023 18:12

@Winnipeg23 have you read anything beyond the op? Please do.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 18/04/2023 18:14

I can see both sides…I’ve taken time off to do life admin/mental load jobs but ended up realising that I need to rest and recharge. I suspect if my DH had pulled me on it i would’ve lost my shit so I know how that feels. At the same time I know how it feels to expect some jobs to have been done and discovered DH has been chilling out on the sofa instead and I’ve felt annoyed at that too. How is he usually in terms of sharing the load? Is this out of character?

Rewis · 18/04/2023 18:19

This sounds like when a project manager that plans big conventions for a living says he can't plan a wedding because he doesn't know how. Wedding planning is just project management, he just doesn't want to do it because he doesn't deem it important enough and thinks its not worthy of their time.

I bet that at school the husband is completely capable of all aspects of his job and a classroom assistant is not hand holding and patting his he'd telling he is a good boy when he puts the class crayons away. He's not doing anything because he can get away with it. And op pays for it. Like literally pays for childcare for holidays and cleaner to come in.

The last update seemed hopeful but I'm worried that it's gonna last maybe 1 month unless op manages him. Hopefully it all goes well.

MustWeDoThis · 18/04/2023 18:19

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

Aaaah, OP I hear you. I also feel like I carry the mental load, but that also means our partners carry the DIY load.

You're frustrated because things aren't done, not necessarily because your husband didn't do them. My husband and I are the same, we want it all done, but we also both work with 3 children and 2 big dogs.

We are equally responsible, so we are equally as tired, equally as frustrated, therefore we take that frustration out on one another.

Apologise to him, it's not worth falling out over. You can't refill from an empty jug and you don't know how he was physically and mentally feeling.

Go have some rough make-up s*x, giggle, laugh it off, enjoy the moment, set aside a day you can do it together etc, because that list will still be there and you have all the time in the world to get it done.

Invadersmustdie · 18/04/2023 18:20

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme you could read the thread for the answers to your questions. Or just the OP's posts.

Winnipeg23 · 18/04/2023 18:22

Fair comment 👍...no I didn't read much. I just once had a flatmate that wrote me a list of jobs that I needed to do for her as I owned the house. It was like a red rag to a bull. I also suffer from constant exhaustion so I think I just reacted.
I love the fact my husband doesn't nag me and hopefully I don't nag him to much.
But I didn't read much of the post ...so yeah fair comment OP.

Secondlass · 18/04/2023 18:22

I'm a teacher and as a Women used my two weeks productivity. I can honestly say I had no lie-ins and sorted the house and garden. I always use the time to get up to date with stuff and organise. I find it relaxing as it's so different from planning and marking. I don't think your being unreasonable or unrealistic. I'm ostounded that in this day and age, some men are still living in the dark ages. It must stop as women we definitely should not put up with it. I have the same issues as yourself, except my OH doesn't even work and still is lazy. I get consistently annoyed and fed-up. On another note, my dear dad was meticulous clean, tidy and never lazy. So not all men are the same.
😗

ElleMD80 · 18/04/2023 18:25

I do get the ‘mental load’ thing you mention, I do. I am also a teacher, so I get him too. Why could you not just say ‘and now you’re recharged, when will this, this and that get done?’ You’d be well within reasonable to then ask him for a more definite schedule and being upset if it still wasn’t done. But if the man wanted to rest and enjoy a quiet(er) house, no huge deal. A woman tends to feel the burden of ‘I must do …’ and will actually do it. A man rarely will. His brain has the right idea. It’s not fair on us but is this the hill you will die on? He is feeling better, now you can put him to work.

Invadersmustdie · 18/04/2023 18:32

It's an awful thought that so many of you are raising children in households where the man is held to the same standards as them. Incapable and for some reason needing far more rest than anyone else. Ive made many bad choices in my life, but choosing my DH was a really good one. He works ridiculous hours but when he's home, he's doing. Same as me.

Invadersmustdie · 18/04/2023 18:36

Hes just walked in to say he's leaving work early tomorrow as he booked the kids in at the dentist for their check up. Good job because I had forgotten! They can do they just chose not to because they don't have to. I'm starting to think fair play to them tbh.

Isthisexpected · 18/04/2023 18:42

Invadersmustdie

But you can only know what you know. So there are many women out there who don't know what equality could even look like. And others who do, but the man they chose is no longer the man they find themselves living alongside. People change...

CantFindMyMarbles · 18/04/2023 18:48

You are definitely being unreasonable.

CM1897 · 18/04/2023 18:49

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

Posts like these make me so glad to be single.

Nothing against the OP, but I love having a few days off of work and not having to do a single thing (unless I want to). I’d ignore a list if I was given one.

Life is too short to not be able to just relax sometimes. You said he’s supportive and works hard, just let him have the few days and move on from the disagreement, there are worse things to stress over I’m sure

Invadersmustdie · 18/04/2023 18:54

@Isthisexpected I don't disagree. Really shit that it still plays out like that in front of children though. So it goes, on and on and on.

CM1897 · 18/04/2023 18:55

Secondlass · 18/04/2023 18:22

I'm a teacher and as a Women used my two weeks productivity. I can honestly say I had no lie-ins and sorted the house and garden. I always use the time to get up to date with stuff and organise. I find it relaxing as it's so different from planning and marking. I don't think your being unreasonable or unrealistic. I'm ostounded that in this day and age, some men are still living in the dark ages. It must stop as women we definitely should not put up with it. I have the same issues as yourself, except my OH doesn't even work and still is lazy. I get consistently annoyed and fed-up. On another note, my dear dad was meticulous clean, tidy and never lazy. So not all men are the same.
😗

I’m surprised that you’re a teacher and think someone taking a few days to relax is living in the dark ages? Did I miss something? OP said her husband is supportive of her, and as a teacher obviously works hard for most of the year, so I’m not sure what you mean by dark ages.

Maybe his job is more stressful than yours at the moment, not all teachers have the same experiences. Maybe he’s mentally drained due to some terrible children for example. There is no harm in taking a few days to relax, I’m sure OP can take some leave and do the same if she would like to. I mean posting a gift, oiling a table etc are hardly life changing tasks that needs to be done on a specific day

CM1897 · 18/04/2023 18:57

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/04/2023 18:12

@Winnipeg23 have you read anything beyond the op? Please do.

It would help if OPs didn’t drip feed information to get the answers they want

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 18/04/2023 18:59

Invadersmustdie · 18/04/2023 18:20

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme you could read the thread for the answers to your questions. Or just the OP's posts.

🚨🚨🚨thread police are here 🚨🚨🚨