DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

😁

I’m conflicted here, I’d love to say yeah damn straight take the time to sleep and recharge but also we don’t all get this time im assuming you included? So whilst yeah have one slack day where you sleep in and stay in pjs (which is a treat when you have kids) but to take 3 and assume you’ll pick up the slack when you get home having done nothing productive? Nah. Nope. You’ve got to do your fair share

Life’s too short to be arguing over banalities. You both need days doing absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Really glad you have broached the subject with him OP, and had what sounds like a good honest talk.

I can recommend a blanket hung over the window with the dodgy blind - worked for us for a summer or two!

It drives me mad when my husband gives me “tasks” and mostly he spends more time telling me what to do than it would take to actually do it himself ! I’m sure there’s more to this in your relationship than him not doing a couple of things ? Maybe ( when you’re talking again ) sit down and thrash out how you both feel.

If I have to spell it out to you. I was referring to his attitude. I'm certainly not against anyone relaxing but 3 whole days is rather lazy and self- absorbing. As a teacher, this is my opinion.
I apologise (not) obviously HIS job is more stressful than mine!!! You assume this because he is a MAN. I bet that reply was from a MAN. If the tasks are hardly life changing, then why can't they be done??? I live my life by the motto " Don't put off tomorrow what can be done today". Perhaps a big sign/motto saying this would help to remind him. Ironically, this reminds me of man flu. A women carries on regardless.

I don't get the oiling of the table, not something I've ever done.
I had to google IFA and it is Institute of Financial Accountants or Independent Financial Advisers.

@CM1897 it's not "drip feeding" to respond to posters' questions or comments. The handy "see all" function makes it pretty easy to read the ops posts and be informed before commenting.

You should have been glad to give him time alone. Why on earth did you provide a list of jobs?

The land is full of burnt-out teachers. Do you not respect his mental health?

This really annoys me. I took quite a long Chrustmas holiday this year. I had a horrendous cold, had been off work before Christmas for a week with it, was coughing so much over Christmas I vomited a few times. We had visitors staying with us for a few days over Xmas, we then had other visitors over New Year. I was still ill when they left but was off work until the 9th Jan because the 3DC were still off school. I took things easy and rested (read on the sofa) each afternoon but still did all the Christmas tidying up, and sorted out loads of life admin stuff. Went back to work fully rested and recovered from my cold. If I can do all that over 2 weeks at Christmas when ill then @KeepingKeepingOn 's husband can go to the post office and email the IFA during a 2 week holiday. He's just being lazy.

And as for my Easter? 1 week holiday, 3 night UK minibreak, painted DSs bedroom, eleventy billion loads of washing.

Did you not RTFT or the OP's last post at least?

Thank you, but I’ve read the original post, that’s enough for me

which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc,

that’s the most important part of your question.
I think you have a good man here. He needed a rest. Accept that and enjoy your time together.

I’m a single mum and find things far easier than most of my married friends. Having a husband/partner in this feels like another thing to worry/be annoyed about constantly. Men are generally lazy and don’t see what needs to be done round the house.

it seems to me that if you have a husband you need to expect that he will do less and not pull his weight around the house and with the children. If not you will spend your life being constantly angry and disappointed.

Just an observation. I’m sure there are some lovely helpful husbands. Just none I’ve ever been told about!

I get where you’re coming from, I really do. I think this is a big source of conflict between DH and I. If I have a rare day without kids and I’m off work then I will use that day to go to shops, blast through some errands, catch up on laundry etc whereas DH will simply use it to relax. His argument is that he wouldn’t expect me to do those things on a day off and he never asks me to do anything around the house. I feel l that he never asks me because he never needs to as I’ve done what needs to be done. If I don’t, who will?!
So anyway, I understand where you’re coming from and in a way you’re both right. Just let it blow over (easier said than done I know)

I'm a teachers taking you DH side, sorry.

This job is so exhausting that if you don't take regular and proper(!) breaks you gonna be done very soon.

OP - Pleased to hear your update, and respect to those teachers that are able to find a balance during the school holidays (just like my sister manages)

Have you read most of the other teachers on this thread, like me, who disagree with you? We all managed to actually look after our children, get jobs done and do our planning during the holidays. DH had already had a week away, and then had the house to himself for most of the daylight hours for the next three days. Pretty jammy as far as this teacher is concerned.

When do you think OP will ever get the house to herself for three days to recover from her pressurised 15 hours a day job?

People like you contribute to the MN attitude that we teachers are oblivious to other people's working lives.

Oh do wise up!! There is no job on this earth with more holidays than teaching. Pretty much all jobs are exhausting, with much less downtime! I guess you are one of 'those' teachers who "can't go on another day" coming up to a holiday!! My DC1 is a teacher, DSis, DBil, DSil, and I have worked with teachers most of my working life. It's pretty fucking exhausting working FT with a miserable 6 weeks off a year - and yes, we all have to do practical life shit!!

WTAF about the OP's mental health???!!

Taking a few days or weeks off is not the issue if you do the jobs needed after work or weekends etc. But if you do the bare minimum at home all other weeks or only when asked or say you'll do it when you have the and still don't. That's when it becomes an issue.

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This thread is utterly, completely staggering!! It's totally bonkers and thoroughly depressing that in 2023, having a set of balls entitles you to be held to a different standard to someone who doesn't possess their very own set of balls!!

What is the most depressing of all is, that most of the upholding of the male-entitled perspective are women...

I unfortunately married one of the entitled ball possessors. As a consequence, I have borne the brunt of all the thinking, all the planning, all the organising, the financial planning, the family planning, the childcare planning, and in most cases all of the paying, for our lives and our children, and guess what, I'm fucking burnt out now, despite not being a teacher!! 🙄

Living with another adult who never notices anything that needs to be done in the home, and who literally couldn't give a flying fuck anyway, is soul-destroying. I sat in the sun this afternoon and realised that there were bags of cat shite that had split and he was supposed to get rid of, festering beside me. The weeds are taking over. There are bagfuls of recycling in my hall and kitchen, gathered up by me. The pebbles on our driveway are a memory and there are puddles. Nobody but me ever cleans the windows, the bathrooms, the floors, dusts....

I'm the one trying to get a locksmith, a plasterer and a bathroom installer. That's just today. Someone who was given ONE JOB to do, ie book someone in to fix the broken gutting before the fucking crows nested in it for a second year - and guess what, the bastard crows are now back in residence. All while I arranged trees being cut back, gardening being done, choosing, ordering and arranging delivery of a new sofa (which I am also paying for), birthdays, Christmases, nights out, trips away, graduations, DC driving lessons, cooker repairs, painting doors (with no help), a bathroom refurb, lots of upgrades to our home, yada yada yada, while he sits on his hole and take no responsibility for anything. Yes I probably should LTB, or given that I'm the only one who has cared for our home, he should leave me!!!!

@KeepingKeepingOn IMHO teaching is not brain surgery!! It's a job, same as any other job. Everyone needs a break sometimes - you included. Expecting one husband to carry out a few simple tasks is not unreasonable, not at all. Trust me, I've been where you are. Big row, promised to change, things better for a short time - then back to square one again. Over and over and over again. After so many years, I am utterly exhausted by having to be the one to hold everything together.

DO NOT let him away with it. It's not fair, it's not equal and it's not reasonable. I don't give a fuck what job he does!!

Sorry but speaking as an ex-teacher, I only ever really got 25 days a year when I wasn't working pretty much full time. Easter holidays were spent marking and prepping and sometimes just sleeping because I'd be working sixty hour weeks during term time trying to prep and mark so I might have a few days during the actual holidays.

When we women say 'he's supportive of my career', what do we mean?

Being genuinely supportive of a spouses 15 hour a day career would involve doing the lions share of household tasks and sharing the mental load IMO.

I used to say my DH was 'supportive of my career' what I meant was that he wasn't intimidated or arsey about it, and was ok with a woman earning more money than him. Eventually I've realised that's not something a man deserves kudos for and I stopped saying it.

Women who have 'supported' men in their big careers for eons did it by keeping the home fires burning, meeting all the children's needs and doing life admin leaving their husbands free to focus on their big career.