DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

Are you sure you’ve grasped reading?

OP is the financial breadwinner.
She works 15 hour days on average.
She still does the lion’s share of all domestic drudgery that needs doing and all thinking/planning/fixing for the family.
She regularly has to fix the shit he’s failed to do. See: damp, fetid uniform example.
She bears the adult load of the family alone.
Even when she does 90% of a task (see: grandma’s birthday) he fails to do the last bit. In this example, send a present, that was already months late because he couldn’t be arsed, that the OP bought for him months ago, again, because he couldn’t be arsed.
She reshared an existing list they share, so he knew what they both had planned.
The list was his idea.
He has weeks and weeks of holiday each year.
He doesn’t have to provide childcare during these holidays.
He has literally just had six days to himself. No childcare. Nothing. He oiled a table.
The OP pays for a cleaner to come do five hours.

He is a selfish, lazy twat. And being a teacher absolves him of none of that. I refuse to accept that teaching is so hard that you can do fuck all and it justifies letting your spouse run themselves into the grind

I don’t know what’s more depressing, the OP having to run around doing almost everything while her husband says “don’t stress, if you just told me what to do I’d do it” and then doesn’t…

… or the women posting here to tell OP that she should be sending cards herself, sorting her husband’s inheritance, and managing not just every single other aspect of the building work but the one freaking job she asked her husband to do.

OP, I suggest couples counselling since it sounds like you can afford it, and get a third party to help mediate why your husband does not put in any work to plan and prep and organise beyond basic maintenance. Also it sounds like he gaslights you by saying he’ll take on more jobs and they should be shared and then just doesn’t. That’s a jerk move.

I’ve grasped it all right. Thank you for your detailed explanation. We clearly differ as to how we see the situation.

I read all your comments before replying as I think people aren’t seeing the full picture in the original post . Obviously there are 2 sides to every story but I WAS married to a man like that where I was the breadwinner , looked after most of the childcare and everything else for that matter . I ended up full of resentment towards him after years of pleading with him to help and take some of the responsibility. When I told him I was leaving he went to a counsellor and promised me he would change but I knew deep down he wouldn’t .
My sincere advice because you seem to really love him is that you need to set that man down and tell him you want a partner not a 4th child and where this will end up if he doesn’t wake up .
I am now happily married to a partner who helps with everything and I can’t tell you how nice a feeling that is.
I don’t care what your husbands job is every career has it’s stresses. My ex was a police man my 2nd husband runs a business and works all hours never , no paid holidays works 7 days a week with very few days off but still manages to share the load .

Or your bar is a bit lower than mine and you’re willing to accept some pretty piss poor behaviour from a man who is supposed to love you and be an equal partner in your life.

Would you like the OP to shove a broom up her arse and sweep the floors at the same time?

How much MORE does she have to do on top of full time work and full time house management?

OFFS

Maybe read the OP's posts for a clue.

So he needs to do absolutely nothing while she does a full time job AND manages the house AND manages the children.

Yes?

I don't know, teaching is likely horribly stressful job if you make any attempt to do it properly. Especially in the current climate.

Also when it comes to de-stressing... when someone tells you they need something, consider the very real possibility they are not lying.

I’m sure in three days he could have sent an email, a parcel, oiled a table and still found plenty of time for de stressing.

Here I was thinking that teachers spent all their holidays marking and lesson planning 😜

Also tbh if granny’s birthday was in January there is no point in sending a gift in April.

in any case it’s already three months late. What does another few weeks matter..?

I’ve not read all the comments so unsure if anyone else has suggested this but I highly recommend reading Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It really helps in navigating this stuff, and reduces nagging, and will hopefully help your partner understand why you’re wound up. It’s really helped us at home, I’ve gone from total overwhelm to feeling like the mental load is 50/50 and with my recent pregnancy and newborn my husbands taken on the majority of housework and looking after our toddler whilst still working full time. It’s taken work and communication and some hard conversations but we’re in a much better place

He's had months and months to complete this very simple task. A few weeks is neither here nor there but the fact it's dragged on, unfinished, for four months shows it's not a matter of DH taking a few days to de-stress while otherwise pulling his weight.

Having read all your posts OP I have come to the conclusion your husband is an arsehole, and this is from an ex teacher who had a breakdown from the job. He needs to reconsider his job if its affecting his family like this, or pull his socks up, or pay for help, or tell you if he's on the brink of collapse. Not sending a card to his elderly relative is pathetic.

Yes this really flies in the face of this Mumsnet myth about teachers not actually getting to enjoy their leave because they are constantly working.

I can’t get over that you were both on holiday but sent your little kid (presumably under 4) to nursery from 8am until 5.30pm? Would they not have wanted to be at home spending some time with their mummy or daddy? Do you guys not want to spend time with them? Where is their down time? Poor child ☹️

Given how lazy the OP's husband seems to be, I suspect that a day-off nursery for the toddler would just be seven hours watching Youtube while Daddy games and sleeps. Not a lovely day of crafts and healthy outdoor time.

Im going on a rant but since when has teaching become the most stressful job in the world?? My mother is a teacher as are most of her friends, she loves her job and her breaks. She has friends in other sectors too and has often said she'd never swap places with a nurse or a paramedic .... she goes on holiday 4 times a year (sometimes more) she has a long standing tradition of jetting off to the sun with her friends for her bday during October break and posting videos to fb of them legless singing through the streets in whatever group Halloween costume they had been planning since late summer 😅 she just got back from Vegas with her partner (a trip that's become almost as regular as her birthday shenanigans, they aim to go every couple of years or so) she's taking my DC to disneyland in July and has a gorgeous two week holiday to Santorini coming up in August. We often talked about our respective careers, she would of preferred I followed in her steps, always arguing that the time off during school breaks is perfect for young families usually backing this up with memories from when me and my sisters were small. My mother was a single parent for most of our childhood ... she managed to give us a wonderful childhood, with home cooked meals and a clean house to boot, all while holding her teaching position. If she was stressed she didn't show it, if something needed doing she got it done, amazingly she LOVED DIY that woman was and still is a whizz with a drill or painting/decorating, she didnt have spare money to hire handymen or professionals. OP's list would of been completed the first morning of easter break, the table would have been left until after us kids went to bed, the rest of the two weeks would have been spent doing family activities with movie evenings suggled on the couch, she had lazy days of course, not 3 days of doing nothing when there was something that needed to be done - but there was balance... maybe she was more organised, but I remember she had binders filled with lesson plans etc. She still has them and updates them regularly as she needs to, she repeats a lot of lessons from year to year so she doesnt have to spend her time off coming up with something new, grading homework was often done while watching soaps and drinking tea 🤷🏼‍♀️ dont think shes ever missed an episode or coronation street or eastenders in her life.... I work in lab 5 days a week 8:30 - 6 most days (sometimes I end up on night shifts) and usually I'm up to my eyeballs in SOP'S and paperwork when I get home, so I'm typically working up until I go to bed ...my dp is in a similar position with his profession, but we still manage to get stuff done. We also have a "shared list" it's on the fridge and we both do what we can when we can, dp works from home a couple of days a week, he is most productive these days and I often come home to dinner on the table, some laundry done and maybe an odd job or two off the list like hanging the new curtain rail, or some general house admin chores. We have 3 kids and work around the clock to provide and care for them, we take breaks obviously but even then we still get stuff done. We both have very sensitive, stressful and often very taxing careers but if I asked him to post something like a parcel he would just do it on the way to work or while dropping kids to school, our oil tank was on the blink there two weeks ago and in the pours of rain he was out fixing it, a little rain never hurt anyone I see farmers out in all weather. Taking 15 mins to throw to the wood into a dry shed or whatever wasn't going to kill OP's husband even if it was raining, some of the comments on here have really made me laugh. Her poor suffering husband, while OP does >90% of all domestic chores and admin while raising kids and working up to 15 hours a day. He could of easily dedicated one morning to posting a parcel, sending emails/ordering one washing machine part and putting some wood somewhere dry, thats barely a couple of hours work going at a slow leisurely rate, could of oiled the table in the evening that would give him a break of at least 5 hours on the first before collecting DC3 from creche. Then two full days free to relax (even though OP has already mentioned he had a relaxing few days at the beginning of easter break too, so a total of 6 days doing nothing despite being a parent to young children, and school summer break just around the corner, Jesus I'd love his life 😅)

OP I agree with previous posters who have suggested you remove the DC from childcare during mid terms and summer holidays and use the money more wisely. They have a parent at home to look after them during these times, and surely one the perks of being a teacher is not needing to pay for care during school breaks ...don't be brainwashed into thinking your husband is more deserving of extended 6 day breaks doing sweet fuck all just because he chose a career in education, lots of single mammy teachers (my mother included) would laugh at the idea they could just clock out of parenting and adult life in general just because they work with kids ... anyone that says you can't be a parent/decent & equal partner and a teacher without requiring a 6 day "break" every 8 weeks are being absolutely ridiculous

One teacher.

How exactly do you see the situation that makes you think the OP is in any way unreasonable to be annoyed?

I mean if you said clearly you doing jobs on your own and having the expectation your OH will do the same isn’t working because he isn’t doing any so how about you pick a couple of evenings a week where you do a few jobs together to blast through them (as others have suggested) then I could see where you were coming from. Instead you’ve said why are you leaving all the jobs to OH, when the OP blatantly isn’t. Either you are someone who does bugger all of the non daily stuff themselves and leaves it all to their partner therefore thinking it’s fine or you genuinely believe it’s impossible to do a full time, stressful job alongside your share of running a home, in which case you should be really concerned for the OP because that is what she’s doing alongside picking up extra for her other half.

My mum taught and my brother teaches. Watching them I’d say what is strikingly different vs my private sector job is:

• No real peaks/troughs in workload during termtime. It’s steadily busy every week
• Management of many schools seems poor. Staff get limited support, particularly when struggling and there is little of the give & take that makes me feel reasonably happy to take on extra when things are very busy
• Normal to have some awful, incredibly rude parents to deal with alongside some very challenging kids. If one of my colleagues or even customers spoke to someone at work the way my brother has been by parents it simply wouldn’t be tolerated but teachers are pretty much stuck with rude parents.
• Ofsted are a massive added stress and have moved from originally having been seen as a body that could be helpful in suggesting improvements to a body that come into schools with an idea of what might be done badly and a mission to find evidence it is. Nearest equivalent we really have is audit but that assesses work product vs individuals.
• No flexibility at all over contact working hours, holidays, which evenings you need to go in to cover certain events. No concept of overtime or time off in lieu at all
• No working from home
• Six weeks more holiday per year
• If you are off sick someone has to do your core work so you don’t come back, likely still feeling sub par with 3 full days of work you need to catch up somewhere.
• If you are on holiday everyone else isn’t working while you are away and filling your inbox with queries/tasks
• travel for work is limited to trips you might volunteer to lead

There are some stresses they experience that I don’t and same is true in reverse. I can see that after 6-8 weeks of full on work you feel in dire need of a break. I still agree none of that means it’s impossible to spend one day out of a 2 week holiday doing a few jobs. My brother always gets these kind of jobs sorted in his holidays and do some planning for the next half term. Somehow he also manages to spend huge amounts of time doing things with his 5 year old, take my kids out with his son one day at Easter/a couple of days in the summer to help us out, get out for a few rounds of golf, meet me and friends in the area for lunch and still fit in a lazing around the house in his boxers day at the start of the holiday. Being a teacher isn’t the issue.

I totally agree. LET THE MAN REST. HE NEEDS IT FFS!!

I seriously wonder how the three sets of partner/married teachers in my school manage.

Obviously all six of them need their 'recharge' time every holiday. Strangely they all manage to get some DIY/home tasks done if needed, take their kids on outings, get ready for the coming term, in the case of two of them this holiday they've set revision stuff for students doing their GCSE/A levels and have answered questions from students (I know as my DS had one and got an answer within 24 hours - thank you teacher!) and have a bit of down time (if their answers to 'have a good break?' is anything to go by each term).

And as both partners are teachers (one is a deputy head in one couple) there isn't anyone to take up the slack if they've all been full on in the classroom and are exhausted.

But still, somehow, they manage it? How odd. Or maybe it's just, like everyone else on the planet, they share the tasks, get their head down and carry on because their family needs them to and a marriage/living together is a partnership not a free ride?

Ok, a bit of an update.

We spoke last night and I explained how it frustrated me that he hadn’t made the most of his time to make a hole in our shared list, especially given that he had had some down time at the beginning of the hol.

Initially met with defensiveness - apparently he doesn’t use the list because I haven’t reminded him of it or referenced it recently 😂 I called that out and told him to listen to what he had just said and think about the implication of it. He then spoke again about the weather and I pointed out that there were many other things on the list that could have been done inside; and, indeed, many other things not on the list he could also have done. He asked for examples of the latter - I pointed out the uniform / laundry. He said he ‘didn’t even think about it’ and I ‘just see these things’. I called that out as absolute bollocks and said there’s no way he would even think to use that in his work setting as a reason to not pull his weight. He acknowledged that and apologised.

Finally he cracked and said (as others have identified on here) that he’s a procrastinator at heart and thought he could avoid outside jobs (because of weather) and then rush around on Sunday getting everything inside done. But that plan hadn’t worked because, surprise surprise, he couldn’t put a tricky blind up with a 2yo, he’d wasted time trying to work it out and run out of time to do anything else. I told him (lightly) that he’s an absolute twat not to have worked out by this age that you can’t get much useful done with a toddler - and also that procrastination rarely works when children are involved.

I also told him that he had, bluntly, taken the piss and it felt pretty disrespectful and he agreed that he had and apologised profusely.

We discussed taking kids out of private nursery and putting them in term-time care; he thought that was pretty sensible on a financial basis and is going to do the maths (would likely mean more ad hoc wraparound etc). Of his own accord, he has committed to using his evenings this week to do some of the more pressing stuff (Gran’s present WILL be sent!) and I get both lie-ins this weekend and Saturday morning to myself. He has recommitted to the list system and has put time in our family calendar every Wednesday to go through it together to prioritise.

He also alerted me to the fact that he had filled the house with daffodils (favourite flower), had stocked up on my favourite bath oil and had nabbed a load of Lindt bunnies in readiness for my return on Sunday night 😄

That's great op. Well done for persevering, providing calm examples that he couldn't argue with and making progress. Hope it continues