DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

Basically what @allmyliesaretrue said. OP hate to piss on your chips but if you're still having to write a list, isn't the issue that he's not taking ownership?

Dh is a teacher, I expect he'd have managed about same as your DH. He should have sent the present but tbh I have them delivered as the post office faff isn't one I enjoy either.
The jobs he didn't do were should do not must do and slipped off his list

I have a stressful job but I've seen what a long term does to DH, and I don't think you can judge til you've tried it.
Not unreasonable though to ask for some time for yourself in return, next bh etc

Clearly the list of jobs that you regard as necessary and the list of jobs that he regards as necessary are different.
Maybe he was trying not to hurt your feelings when he said he was recharging from school, when actually he was recharging from you?

Well done for attempting to solve this disparity in workloads and responsibility taking OP.
You are currently working 15 hour days and your husband is perfectly happy for you to do this, whilst at the same time shirking even basic chores such as Uniform finding and washing!!
That is actually appalling on so many levels and ultimately piles more on to your shoulders.
The idea of a handyman taking on some of the chores seems a good solution, if you can afford it, and could mitigate some of the stress manifesting between you both.
Almost all of my female teacher friends have their children over all holidays, and still get things done, so my sympathy for your husband’s plight is limited.
There really does seem to be a disparity between expectations of male and female teachers outside of term time and this is sexist and wrong.
You should not have to write or ‘police’ those lists your partner ASKED for; ultimately he is an adult who also chose to have three children. I am dismayed how many women have not acknowledged your working hours as they defend your husband’s right to downtime.
I really hope he will now realise how unfair he is being and actually keep to his promises.

I am the sort of person who would have needed a 3 day recharge after being at my folks for a week. But, recharge doesn't mean you can't do things around the house. Frankly, they are often relaxing, especially if you are home alone and you feel good when you get things done. From the small list you gave, it really is ridiculous that he couldn't get more of the items done.
Frankly, I think when they say these things they are partially lying. Needing a recharge is not why they don't do the lists. They don't do them because they simply don't think of them. He oiled that table, probably because it is in his face right when he got home, and then he completely forgot the rest of the list. For those 3 days, that list did not exist. That is just my guess.

I'm pretty sure that it could all be done on the same day, and that includes giving the table a second coat of oil.

He's a lazy bastard and knows you'll pick up the slack.

That’s pure speculation in relation to this particular teacher ie the DH. He certainly doesn’t seem to have spent any of this latest holiday working. And neither did the pp’s DP who spends all the time gaming.

You're pleasant aren't you?

Teachers don’t get 13 weeks a year though. Most of it is spent working. It’s nearer 4 weeks

lol. I know (and am related to) many, many teachers. And while they may do a day or two of work towards the end of the holidays, the above is SUCH bollocks.

Thank you for your intelligent, perceptive, and considered reply.

You know nothing about me or the school l worked out. Absolutely nothing,

l paid for childcare 3 days a week in the holidays to do school work.

So please take your ‘ bollocks’ and tiny brain and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

I can sort this for you. In future, say ‘I work loads during the holidays’. Not ‘teachers’. Then maybe it won’t get called bollocks.

The thread is about the OP’s DH.

The teachers in my family spend 6 solid weeks every summer travelling with their children. They teach secondary. We joke that they’re non-doms.

I know who it’s about. But thank you for pointing it out.

We don’t what he does in other school holidays. But as you ‘know’ some teachers you know all about it?

Single parent teacher here...fwiw I do bugger all in most holidays work wise. Maybe a couple of hours marking so I start the term with a clean slate. Once or twice a year I might look at redesigning a scheme of work. Im not going to say anyone else is lying or doing it wrong but I dislike the assertion that "teaching" and ""teachers" en masse is the hardest thing ever. I have plenty of downtime in the holidays and usually complete a v v long yo do list that includes decorating, oiling my kitchen worktops and painting fences as well as the obvious like sorting uniform and kit. I think the most telling thing on here is in the OPs update regarding uniform that he just didn't think about it.

I’m beginning to understand why teachers on MN get a hard time 😏MOST people do some sort of work on their holidays. During my time with family, I was in regular text contact with a senior client who needed handholding through a deal, dialled into a board meeting to provide an update, reviewed a report and kept an eye on my emails. That’s the job. Sometimes I have to do more while on my hols, and sometimes less.

I am v supportive of the teaching profession and think they’ve had a really rough deal, but come on, let’s keep this in proportion.

Anyway, DH, who is generally a pretty reasonable sort of person, has said himself that he took the piss and recognised that the balance had got too skewed between us. He’s now taking steps to correct it. For those teachers who feel opting out of family responsibilities entirely for their holiday periods is reasonable, it may be worth reflecting on my posts in case this is how your OHs are feeling.

I taught for a very long time. There was a period when the government changed all the A levels and GCSE’s. I was the only person in a very small department. I set up and wrote all the A level and GCSE new stuff. Then rewrote it all once it was embedded.

l also initially set up an A level. Overall this was about 10 years of working 3 days a week every holiday. If l didn’t do the work there was nothing to teach.

Yes. I reckon he spent the first 2 and a half days doing nothing and then crammed the rest in to one afternoon.

I assume from the ‘I know who it’s about’ that you are responding to me there? But you are confusing my posts with someone else’s. Have another read of my posts; I never said I knew teachers (although I do) or say anything to suggest that I ‘know all about it’.

Pretty ironic that you’re accusing me of generalising. I did the opposite by pointing out to you that your generalisation was irrelevant. Crack on though. You’re doing a great job of derailing the thread. Just don’t be surprised when people join you on the derailment by pointing out that the teachers they know get more than 4 weeks off a year.

OP,

I applaud you for finally dealing with this.

He is both selfish and lazy and he absolutely has been taking the piss.

It is very positive that he has admitted it, but you really need to mind yourself.

You are at risk of burn out.

I know a few male teachers and 3 out of 4 did most childcare during the summer.

One refused completely as they were HIS holidays and he needed "me time".

Unsurprisingly he was also someone who conveniently left 90%+ of the mental load to his wife.

My friend was deeply irritated by it at the time, but as the higher earner had to suck it up, and did, with their two children.

She hadn't any other choice, but it did real damage to their marriage and she was very resentful.

However, a decade later when she received a substantial inheritance she chose NOT to include it in the family pot.

She has never budged from that position.
It caused ructions at the time, but she made it clear she was prepared to divorce over it.

The minute her children were educated and left home she reduced her hours and pays 50% only of the costs of her mortgage free home.

He was "wounded" by all of this.

He will have his teaching pension only, to fund his MANY hobbies in retirement.

Yes was going to say the same especially

Especially re the weather

@mustgetoffmn again, please read more than the OP. Her updates at least!

Glad you've sorted it! He was taking the piss.

I'm a teacher and do all the childcare in the holidays. Rightly so I have no issue with this and worked in the evenings as I would rather spend time with my children. Doesn't sound like he was catching up on school work just doing bugger all!

I'd be really pissed off like you were.

Yeah lazy effing bastard lounging around on his holiday I bet he does absolutely nothing when he’s at work probably in t between the staff room and pub playing games on his mobile.
Isnt the operative word “holiday”? Work is particularly stressful at the moment for a lot of people. Those little tasks to keep the home going which we used to enjoy in holiday time now feel too much. Recharging has become a necessity, failure to do so leads to burn out and sickness.

Seeing a lot of posts where male teachers aren’t great when it comes to family life. Ironic