Friend | Mumsnet

Flute56 · 2023-04-16T22:15:43+00:00

There was another thread on this but it was a while ago so I thought I would make a new one. I have this friend who does not really bother with me very much. I do all the phoning and when it was her birthday I went to her house and gave her a present. She kept me at the front door and did not even invite me in. I thought that was pretty rude. I thought at least she would invite me in for a cup of tea considering I travelled quite a way to her house. I dont live that far from her but on that occasion I came from somewehre else. She always gives me a birthday card but I find her a bit secretive. She was not very well a while back but refused to say what the matter was and soemtimes she just says she is out and does not say wehre she has been. I sent her a video to watch as she showed an interest in it and even linked it to her wassap so she could just click on the link and that was 3 weeks ago and she still has not watched it. It makes me think I wasted my time. For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off.

QueenSmartypants · 16/04/2023 23:25

gives me a birthday card but I find her a bit secretive. She was not very well a while back but refused to say what the matter was and soemtimes she just says she is out and does not say wehre she has been

And you're entitled to know, why?

For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal

You're not coming across terribly well here.

barmycatmum · 16/04/2023 23:26

I think you might need to listen to what her actions are telling you and back off.

Dithyramb · 16/04/2023 23:26

Well, did you let her know you were coming? Maybe she was busy? You sound quite over-involved. I can’t imagine even my closest friends expecting an account of exactly where I’ve been, or details of my illnesses, unless I volunteer the information, and I don’t get the outrage over whether or not she watched a video you sent her or not!

aureus3012 · 16/04/2023 23:29

Maybe she finds you a bit intense or that you overstep the boundaries of friendship. That was nice of her to take you for a meal.

IfsAndAnds · 16/04/2023 23:40

You sound intense, nosey and a bit controlling. It doesn’t sound like your friend has done anything wrong, they are entitled to privacy and shouldn’t have to share everything with you.

Dontbelieveaword · 16/04/2023 23:42

Ffs not you again

Thesearmsofmine · 16/04/2023 23:45

You sound intrusive and she doesn’t like that.
Did you let her know that you were coming with her present? I wouldn’t invite someone in automatically, I like to know if someone’s coming over beforehand.
Also why does she need to tell you her exact health issues? It’s her private business.

ilovesooty · 16/04/2023 23:47

You sound rather demanding to me.

Soproudoflionesses · 16/04/2023 23:50

You are too needy

CraneBoysMysteries · 17/04/2023 00:06

Honestly is this the same friend you post about every few months?

Just do her a favour and move on. If it is you've said previously she's boring, she doesn't pay you enough attention, then you emailed her a list of everything that you didn't like about her....

Step back for some time out and I would read back all the comments from your previous threads

AngryBirdsNoMore · 17/04/2023 00:11

CraneBoysMysteries · 17/04/2023 00:06

Honestly is this the same friend you post about every few months?

Just do her a favour and move on. If it is you've said previously she's boring, she doesn't pay you enough attention, then you emailed her a list of everything that you didn't like about her....

Step back for some time out and I would read back all the comments from your previous threads

She emailed her a list of what now?!

Sleepyandconfused · 17/04/2023 00:15

Oh my goodness. Some advice:

Don’t turn up uninvited at someone’s house and expect to be invited in!

Don’t expect people to tell you details of their personal health issues!

Don’t expect people to not be allowed any privacy!

Schnooze · 17/04/2023 00:17

Back off a bit. If she makes an effort then great. If she doesn’t then the friendship has run it’s course.

momonpurpose · 17/04/2023 00:45

Reading this post and others you posted I think you are just too full on. I think most people over think situations sometimes but you alienate people by going so far. I know it must be very hard on you in your head overthinking. I too can do it but got help.Have you ever talked to maybe a therapist?

RedEyeBaby · 17/04/2023 03:39

She took you out to dinner and your response is "big deal"?? With that attitude I'm not surprised she's keeping you at arm's length.

Original poster

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 07:12

Ok my elderly next door neighbour often had me over. I did not need to give her any warning. She said come anytime so if i suddenly felt like going over all i did was knock on the door and she would ask me in. I was her only visitor and she said she was glad of the company. I think that situation is different and one day i asked do you mind how often i come and she said no because the alternative meant she would sit alone day after day.. i dontgo anymore because she moved into a care home

OP posts:

EmilyGilmoresSass · 17/04/2023 07:17

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 07:12

Ok my elderly next door neighbour often had me over. I did not need to give her any warning. She said come anytime so if i suddenly felt like going over all i did was knock on the door and she would ask me in. I was her only visitor and she said she was glad of the company. I think that situation is different and one day i asked do you mind how often i come and she said no because the alternative meant she would sit alone day after day.. i dontgo anymore because she moved into a care home

What the hell does your elderly next door neighbour have to do with your friend? 😅

icelollycraving · 17/04/2023 07:18

I think you need to understand how friendships work.
Have you been to see the elderly neighbour since she moved into a care home? Or was she just convenient when next door?

Original poster

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 07:23

I have visited her in the home

OP posts:

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 07:27

Maybe you need to set up a shared calendar so she can tell you where she’s going and let you know her illnesses. Or you could stop being so intrusive.

Original poster

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 07:34

EmilyGilmoresSass · 17/04/2023 07:17

What the hell does your elderly next door neighbour have to do with your friend? 😅

Show quote history

I was merely pointing out the difference between the friend keeping me at the door and the neighbour asking me in. If someone called round tto see me out of the blue i would always ask them in. I was raised to keep my home neat and tidy and that is how my mum kept our home. Never untidy becauseshe said you never know who might call and you should not feel embarrassed that your home is messy. Our home was always imaculate

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 17/04/2023 07:38

I don’t invite people in if uninvited.
This woman clearly isn’t interested in being your friend, leave her be.

Dithyramb · 17/04/2023 07:47

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 07:34

I was merely pointing out the difference between the friend keeping me at the door and the neighbour asking me in. If someone called round tto see me out of the blue i would always ask them in. I was raised to keep my home neat and tidy and that is how my mum kept our home. Never untidy becauseshe said you never know who might call and you should not feel embarrassed that your home is messy. Our home was always imaculate

Show quote history

OP, you get that your lonely elderly neighbour, you and your friend with the birthday are three different people, right? That the fact that you think that untidiness is the only reason not to invite someone in, or the fact that your neighbour is lonely, are completely irrelevant to your friend’s busyness or otherwise?

Do you not understand theory of mind? Different people act differently.

There are all kinds of reasons your friend may not have invited you in. If you’d called unexpectedly to my house recently, even to give me a giant present or tell me the secret of eternal life, I wouldn’t have asked you in, as I have a huge work deadline and am working round the clock.

Bhyr358 · 17/04/2023 08:02

OP if you value your friendship then you have to accept that your friend prefers an arm's length relationship. Not all friendships have to be bussom buddies. Just enjoy it for what it is. If this is a major issue for you then withdraw from the friendship rather than continue to feel aggrieved. Your friend won't change, and why should she?

I tend to keep friends at arm's length. I've got too close and gone through too much drama in the past to want to repeat it. I enjoy socialising and seeing my friends but I don't want any "in each other's pockets" situations again. One friend will question where I've been and who I've seen. If I say I can't make a particular date because I'm already out it's "Oh who are you out with?" If I mention I've been to see a film or a play it's "who was that with then?" They are people she doesn't know so why is she so interested?

Just lower your expectations and enjoy your friendship for what it is.

Dithyramb · 17/04/2023 08:09

Bhyr358 · 17/04/2023 08:02

OP if you value your friendship then you have to accept that your friend prefers an arm's length relationship. Not all friendships have to be bussom buddies. Just enjoy it for what it is. If this is a major issue for you then withdraw from the friendship rather than continue to feel aggrieved. Your friend won't change, and why should she?

I tend to keep friends at arm's length. I've got too close and gone through too much drama in the past to want to repeat it. I enjoy socialising and seeing my friends but I don't want any "in each other's pockets" situations again. One friend will question where I've been and who I've seen. If I say I can't make a particular date because I'm already out it's "Oh who are you out with?" If I mention I've been to see a film or a play it's "who was that with then?" They are people she doesn't know so why is she so interested?

Just lower your expectations and enjoy your friendship for what it is.

I don’t think there’s any indication the friend wants to keep the OP at ‘arm’s length’, based on her not accounting for every absence, discussing her illness, or asking her in when she called unexpectedly. To me those are normal boundaries or indications of a liking for privacy.