Friend

[Flute56]

There was another thread on this but it was a while ago so I thought I would make a new one. I have this friend who does not really bother with me very much. I do all the phoning and when it was her birthday I went to her house and gave her a present. She kept me at the front door and did not even invite me in. I thought that was pretty rude. I thought at least she would invite me in for a cup of tea considering I travelled quite a way to her house. I dont live that far from her but on that occasion I came from somewehre else. She always gives me a birthday card but I find her a bit secretive. She was not very well a while back but refused to say what the matter was and soemtimes she just says she is out and does not say wehre she has been. I sent her a video to watch as she showed an interest in it and even linked it to her wassap so she could just click on the link and that was 3 weeks ago and she still has not watched it. It makes me think I wasted my time. For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off.

There was a thread on here not so long ago from someone who was saying they no longer have anything in common with a particular friend.

She said that the friend kept contacting her regularly despite her never reciprocating. She didn’t want to keep seeing this person any more and she was asking what was the best way to end this friendship once and for all; asking her to stop contacting, or to let it fizzle out more gradually.

Are you autistic op?

OP was asked on another thread about this and said she was not.

There are loads of friendship threads on MN about how to extricate themselves from one, others complaining how they feel neglected or ignored by their friends so I'm not sure what the relevance of comment from @CheriseNuland but maybe I'm being dumb.

For those saying 'leave OP' alone - this OP has repeatedly posted threads all round the same theme (and yes old threads are relevant) and has received hundreds of comments and pieces of advice, none of which they appear to take on board (evidenced by the repeated threads). So what's the answer? Everyone keeps giving same comments, opinions and advice over again or we all leave them alone and absolutely nobody comments on her threads?
Whether because she is autistic/ND or she is a troll or just desperate for some kind of attention - what's best? we all ignore them or we all say 'there, there OP, you've done nothing wrong, all your friends are awful...' or do we tell them the truth?
I'm not trying to be arsey BTW, it's a genuine question

I remember your other threads - honestly, she has been really clear and very kind with you.

Don't fixate on this too much and try to find other friends and hobbies, you'll be fine OP.

On another thread, she said she was Autistic so I take her at her word there.

If it's very difficult for her to understand boundaries, her friend has been very kind and considerate. Very difficult to explain and OP is being herself so shouldn't feel she's doing anything wrong as such, but just to take a step back and not take it personally.

Ah, I see.
Thanks for that.

Can you link that becUse i have ne er said i was autistic

Haha, brilliant 👏 couldn't write this stuff

A friend of mine who had a brain injury in 2021 is now prone to outbursts of paranoia, and is unable to determine when someone is angry or sad.

You read the rest of my post where I explained why I was asking that did you?
Maybe do that instead of laughing.
As I said in that post, I have an aunty who behaves in a very similar way.

I asked the OP if she was autistic or had had a brain injury because the way she is behaving and reacting to things is so way off the norm, that perhaps something else is at play there.

OP, I have read some of your other threads, including some about holidays, where you reject everyone’s suggestions flatly, and one where you talk about waiting for hours outside a closed Canadian ice cream shop, not understanding why it wasn’t opening. You seem extremely set in your ways and rigid in your approaches to things, and to struggle with the fact that other people think differently to you. I think this is behind all your difficulties.

@Flute56 OP, this is a genuine question meant with respect & decency. Do you have Autism? My DD has ASD and some of how you're describing your behaviour is reminding me a little of my DD's approach to friendships (although she's currently only 8!)

If I'm right and you do have ASD, then people on this thread need to UNDERSTAND what Autism means and drop this sodding pile on.

What do you think this could mean??

Do you really think that this is a decent way to respond to somebody who despite behaving in ways which to the rest of us, seems ridiculous, is very clearly neurodivergent and most definitely vulnerable. You should be ashamed of yourselves. All of you who are joining in on this pile on

It’s possible that the OP could be neurodiverse, but armchair diagnoses via the internet aren’t helpful.

@Flute56, you've seen people's replies to this OP and others, where it's clear that your expectations of how the world works are different from what most people expect.

You must read other threads in Mumsnet or elsewhere, too, giving you a window into many people's lives and how they think & feel. Would you say they generally paint a different picture from your own experiences?

What do you think is going on?

Sorry op but I think you sound a little overbearing. There’s a big difference from an elderly neighbour wanting company to turning up uninvited to a friends house. If someone appeared at my house unexpectedly then I probably would offer to see them at another time. If I was caught off guard and busy then I wouldn’t be offering to give someone a cup of tea.
This friend was ill, she chooses who to confide in, just because your friends doesn’t give you the right to know everything. Sorry but you have no right to find out anything unless she chooses to tell you. The other friends chose to tell you but they are different people.

Not everyone uses WhatsApp, not everyone is on their phones all day so they may not have seen it.

I think you need to back off and let this person have their space. It sounds like you’re a caring friend but sadly in life you can’t expect everyone to have the same standards as you.

After reading all these other threads either op truly truly needs to get help or just really enjoys a wind up because their responses on all threads ignore all suggestions. Since all posts have sort of the same running theme I don't think honestly they are genuine. Maybe mumsnet could take a look

@Dithyramb Nobody has diagnosed anybody. I've merely pointed out what could be the case and that if it IS the case, then none of the behaviour on here is kind at all

I’m not suggesting they have. Only saying that I’m aware myself that some elements of the OP’s posts might suggest a non-typical approach to relationships and the world at large, but I’m not sure it’s helpful to raise it as a possibility on here. And no, I don’t think that posts calling her a stalker are appropriate either. It’s clear she struggles to understand other people’s difference from her.

@SchoolTripDrama OP has specifically said she is not autistic. Are we supposed to disbelieve her? People have tried to be kind to her, give advice, over and over again.
And WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS is a little patronising, as if we all have learning difficulties and won't get your point unless it's in big clear letters. You think she has ASD and you think everyone else is cruel. We get it. Thanks for your opinion and I'm sure OP will now suddenly realise she is on the spectrum because you're the first person to come along and diagnose it. We can all go to bed now. Thanks

It sounds to me like you have difficulty reading social cues and maybe empathising with others. I don't mean you are caring or compassionate, I mean you struggle to get inside someone else's head so find their behaviours odd. You think "Now if I did A B or C it would mean I felt this way". Everyone is different. Some of us have more in common than others.
Without even knowing these people most of us can read between the lines. Your elderly neighbour was lonely and happy to have your company. She probably didn't have lots of friends who were able to visit. She was pleased to see you and probably also enjoys it when you visit her in the care home. That's kind and I hope you enjoy her company too.
This other person has been kind to you and I think I remember her saying she would be kind to you again and support you or give you advice if you were stuck/in a mess. She gave you some ideas how to make new friends.
You have turned up at her house unannounced. Why did you do this? Most people do not like this and only expect close friends or family to do this. I think perhaps you did this because you thought it would be a nice surprise. I bet you would like it if someone turned up at your house for a surprise visit. The problem is lots of people don't feel this way. Birthdays are days when you usually spend them with your family or your favourite friends. If you have lots of friends the ones that aren't the favourites might get left out but hopefully they will have favorite friends of their own. Sometimes when someone does not have a lot of friends kind people like this women are friendly. When she took you out for lunch on your birthday she was being kind. She is friendly but she is not your friend.
She does not tell you things not because she is secretive, but because you are not her friend. She did not invite you in because she had other plans. Maybe she had some friends in her house. Maybe she was meeting a boyfriend. She did not expect you because you are not her friend. A birthday card through the post would have been more than enough. She did not expect a present. She most certainly did not expect a visit. You need to leave her alone. The present will not please her. It will make her not want to ever speak to you in case you do it again or become a nuisance. She will not stay kind forever.

I think that's very relevant to how OP interprets others behaviours but also our replies. Ultimately though this is the world we live in and whether she has ASD, a personality disorder, a brain injury or is just a little quirky, people expect others to follow certain social rules.
Just like her friend, people patience is running out. No-one trying to be unkind, they're just at a loss as to how to respond.

Ive read all the commens. A lot are portraying me as someone i am not. People on here do not know me. They do not know my fàmily background. The friend i visited without warning is just one person. I have other friends who i am closeŕ to who are more open with me. I will just havè to accept that this one friend is different. I think she has a few issues of her own. She lives in her own world. I on the other hand am always willing to try new things and travel to new places. I realise people are different and accept her for the person she is. I will keep her as an aquaintance and not expect too much and concentrate on those people whosuit me better