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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend

157 replies

Flute56 · 16/04/2023 23:15

There was another thread on this but it was a while ago so I thought I would make a new one. I have this friend who does not really bother with me very much. I do all the phoning and when it was her birthday I went to her house and gave her a present. She kept me at the front door and did not even invite me in. I thought that was pretty rude. I thought at least she would invite me in for a cup of tea considering I travelled quite a way to her house. I dont live that far from her but on that occasion I came from somewehre else. She always gives me a birthday card but I find her a bit secretive. She was not very well a while back but refused to say what the matter was and soemtimes she just says she is out and does not say wehre she has been. I sent her a video to watch as she showed an interest in it and even linked it to her wassap so she could just click on the link and that was 3 weeks ago and she still has not watched it. It makes me think I wasted my time. For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 17/04/2023 17:05

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 17/04/2023 16:36

The last lonely elderly person she visited ended up having to tell the care home manger repeatedly that she didn’t want to speak to OP, which she ignored to the point that the daughter had to ban her from making contact…

Show quote history

That's unfortunate. Maybe the elderly neighbour didn't know how to avoid seeing the OP when she was still at home.
I'm sad for you, OP. It sounds like you have a lot of trouble understanding social cues.

midsomermurderess · 17/04/2023 17:07

‘Have you had a brain injury’. Bloody hell!😀

Zonder · 17/04/2023 17:11

There's an imbalance in how you view each other. You rank her as a closer friend than she ranks you. You need to lower your expectations and how you rank her as a friend.

Mary46 · 17/04/2023 17:16

My colleague was saying she hates visitors she not expecting... op I think keep a distance. I stop chasing people now no point. They be in touch or they wont. Have a few friends i think

Wishimaywishimight · 17/04/2023 17:19

OP, if you accept people as they are and not as you wish them to be, you will save yourself a lot of angst.

Took me a lot of years to learn this so I'm passing it on in the hope it may be of help.

Wishimaywishimight · 17/04/2023 17:20

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 15:10

I have two friends with health issues. One had cancer and told me all about it and the yllltreatment t she was getting. The other had eye issues and told me all about the symptoms and asked me to accompany her to the eye clinic for moral support which i did. She then thanked me for coming. So others are more open

You do know people are different though? Your various friends are not clones.

MrsTWH · 17/04/2023 17:25

I have sometimes done this without thinking and not invited someone in - mostly because I’ve been blindsided by not expecting them, and have other things going on or a brain full of other things. If you turned up out of the blue it might not be her being deliberately rude.

Has she always been “secretive” or is this being cagey a new development? Either you have to accept she is a private person who doesn’t want you to know the ins and outs of her life, or if you feel this is a new thing and a sign she’s pushing you away then you have the choice to cool off and put more effort into friendships that better meet your needs as well.

Taking you out for a birthday meal and treating you IS a big deal actually and a sign that she cares about you. Talk to her or move on! You do sound rather intense.

QueenSmartypants · 17/04/2023 17:31

A friend has on occasion 'accused' me of bring secretive. We're just different people - they need to talk about everything, I prefer not to focus on the difficult stuff when I'm with friends because it's better for me to enjoy myself rather than going over (and over) an unpleasant situation. Doesn't mean I won't confide in someone when I need to, I just do it differently to them.

JaffaCake70 · 17/04/2023 17:45

I have always hated unexpected visitors.

I work all week, my time at home is my time to catch up with housework, catch up with family, catch up with any tv I might want to watch or books I want to read, and I like to do all of this either alone or in the company of my Husband.

I don't want anyone turning up at my house unannounced.

I don't mind planned visits (as long as they don't go on for more than a couple of hours, then I get a bit twitchy because I could be doing something else...).

I used to hate it when my children were young and different friends would come round to my house with their young children who would then proceed to rampage through my house, up the stairs, messing in the bathroom, messing in the bedrooms... I just hated it and would always prefer to meet friends outside of the house (park etc).

I used to think I was weird because of this, now I'm older I really don't care and accept that it's just the way I am and I'm happy with it.

I've gone off on a bit of a tangent but my point is that not everyone likes unplanned visits, whether you are bearing gifts or not!

TonightImGonnaPartyLikeIts1989 · 17/04/2023 19:02

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 15:10

I have two friends with health issues. One had cancer and told me all about it and the yllltreatment t she was getting. The other had eye issues and told me all about the symptoms and asked me to accompany her to the eye clinic for moral support which i did. She then thanked me for coming. So others are more open

Umm @Flute56 you do get that they are different people different friends and we are all individuals.
To be friends, you need to appreciate who they are and what they like and dislike, not judge as they are different. Surely that's why we all have different friends and appreciate them

I can't help but think you're missing the point about being a friend and truly liking ans valuing them for who they are.

(Rather than being frotic towards your friend for having different views than you. Her behaviour doesn't sound unreasonable at all if you can see it from a different perspective outside of your own)

TonightImGonnaPartyLikeIts1989 · 17/04/2023 19:03

Argh autocorrect Critical not frotic !!

Skankylanky · 17/04/2023 19:30

Can someone link to the care home thread? I can't find it.

Skankylanky · 17/04/2023 19:47

Oh blimey. I'm pretty sure this OP is not NT.

GlassBunion · 17/04/2023 20:01

I'm thinking the same @Skankylanky

midsomermurderess · 17/04/2023 20:02

I don’t think it’s fair to link to old threads from this poster. As someone said above, clearly there is something odd going in, but digging out old threads, don’t do that. Someone above is breathlessly looking for a link. I doubt her intentions are, shall we say, honourable.

DriedFlowersLiveForever · 17/04/2023 20:04

OP you come across more as a stalker than a friend.
Your neighbour was an easy 'fix' for you as she couldn't get away, possibly had poor boundaries due to age/ill health.
Step back and stop pressuring people to be what you think they should be.

GarlicGrace · 17/04/2023 20:07

midsomermurderess · 17/04/2023 20:02

I don’t think it’s fair to link to old threads from this poster. As someone said above, clearly there is something odd going in, but digging out old threads, don’t do that. Someone above is breathlessly looking for a link. I doubt her intentions are, shall we say, honourable.

It's a long-standing pattern of behaviour. The old threads are relevant because of this.

Looks like it's so longstanding, there's little hope of OP learning how to moderate her expectations of friendship. It's quite sad because it upsets her - but it is self-inflicted.

midsomermurderess · 17/04/2023 20:11

I don’t think it’s fair to dig out and threads. You’re not her counsellor Grace, fgs to be pompously talking about ‘patters of behaviour’. And that ‘skanky’ poster, she’s just wants her shits and giggles. Like I said, there is clearly something odd going on here, apparent from this thread alone. AS is just a bit weird and creepy and you are just trying to justify it.

DriedFlowersLiveForever · 17/04/2023 20:14

I think the previous threads are quite relevant in this instance. It definitely altered the way I thought about the situation.
I feel very sorry for the people OP feels are friends as they will not live up to her expectations of them.

Netrandom · 17/04/2023 20:14

Just leave her alone. Sounds like you got issues hun - or just love drama

GarlicGrace · 17/04/2023 20:20

If you never take patterns of behaviour into account, @midsomermurderess, you must live an endlessly surprising and often disappointing life!

Linio · 17/04/2023 20:29

midsomermurderess · 17/04/2023 20:11

I don’t think it’s fair to dig out and threads. You’re not her counsellor Grace, fgs to be pompously talking about ‘patters of behaviour’. And that ‘skanky’ poster, she’s just wants her shits and giggles. Like I said, there is clearly something odd going on here, apparent from this thread alone. AS is just a bit weird and creepy and you are just trying to justify it.

I would ordinarily agree with you but on this occasion it is relevant. OP has a history of feeling very hurt and disappointed by those around her. Some, rightly so (tbh I would be upset if I had no access to cash and a good friend didn’t help me out without me having to ask), but some are situations where OP can’t respect boundaries and doesn’t understand them. In that context, this thread is not a one off but one of many, and hopefully OP will take on the advice of others that there is nothing wrong with what her friend is doing.

pookiedoodlepuppy · 17/04/2023 20:37

I too think this OP should be left alone .