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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend

157 replies

Flute56 · 16/04/2023 23:15

There was another thread on this but it was a while ago so I thought I would make a new one. I have this friend who does not really bother with me very much. I do all the phoning and when it was her birthday I went to her house and gave her a present. She kept me at the front door and did not even invite me in. I thought that was pretty rude. I thought at least she would invite me in for a cup of tea considering I travelled quite a way to her house. I dont live that far from her but on that occasion I came from somewehre else. She always gives me a birthday card but I find her a bit secretive. She was not very well a while back but refused to say what the matter was and soemtimes she just says she is out and does not say wehre she has been. I sent her a video to watch as she showed an interest in it and even linked it to her wassap so she could just click on the link and that was 3 weeks ago and she still has not watched it. It makes me think I wasted my time. For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 17/04/2023 08:14

Why should your friend have to disclose everything with you?

For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off.

You come across very ungrateful. Did you offer to take her out for her birthday?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 17/04/2023 08:26

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 07:34

I was merely pointing out the difference between the friend keeping me at the door and the neighbour asking me in. If someone called round tto see me out of the blue i would always ask them in. I was raised to keep my home neat and tidy and that is how my mum kept our home. Never untidy becauseshe said you never know who might call and you should not feel embarrassed that your home is messy. Our home was always imaculate

Show quote history

Maybe your friend senses if one thing is out of place you'll blow your top and be judgemental like you normally seem to do.

This aside from the fact there is a difference between a friend who likely has other, less intrusive friends, and a poor elderly lady living alone. Mind you, if I were her I'd have been scared to tell you to go away and probably moved into the home for some peace.

Changeling78 · 17/04/2023 08:34

I rarely invite people in, especially if they turn up without warning. My friend invites herself in and out stays her welcome…every time. Once we were in the middle of a board game (DH, dcx2, and I) and we had to abandon it, the kids disappeared to their rooms. You know how hard it is to get teens to spend family time 😂??
YABU, and ungrateful. She took you out for a meal ”big deal”. Maybe she holds you at arms length because you feel entitled to all of her.

TheRealShatParp · 17/04/2023 08:47

Wait, is the elderly neighbour who is now in a care home the friend you’re referring to?

TheRealShatParp · 17/04/2023 08:53

Having read the thread again I don’t think it is. Not sure why your elderly neighbour was even mentioned.

It seems that even when your friend had done something nice you didn’t appreciate it. I agree with a PP, you sound controlling. You’re also very intrusive and seem to think that you’re owed friendship, explanations, insight into their medical history etc.

Linio · 17/04/2023 09:10

You simply see her as a closer friend than she sees you. And it can hurt when you figure that out. But the reality is she is doing nothing wrong. And tbh, it is somewhat overbearing that you expect to know her medical issues and who she is with. With respect, those are things that have nothing to do with you whatsoever.

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 17/04/2023 09:13

You sound intense and needy.

She doesn't need to tell you where she has been, nor invite you in because you appear.

The more you push her the more she will back off.

slashlover · 17/04/2023 09:17

Having read the thread again I don’t think it is. Not sure why your elderly neighbour was even mentioned.

I think it's to show that elderly friend let OP in every time she appeared at the door so other friend is a cow for not letting her in.

is it this friend OP who everyone told you you were too intense with over 2 years ago?

TheRealShatParp · 17/04/2023 09:27

slashlover · 17/04/2023 09:17

Having read the thread again I don’t think it is. Not sure why your elderly neighbour was even mentioned.

I think it's to show that elderly friend let OP in every time she appeared at the door so other friend is a cow for not letting her in.

is it this friend OP who everyone told you you were too intense with over 2 years ago?

I have now seen a thread that the OP has written about her elderly neighbour, seems there was problems with that friendship too.

OP, my impression is that being your friend is hard work. You seem to judge every action of your friends and are very unforgiving if you deem their actions to be below par. If one of their actions is below par then they’re labelled a bad friend. I think I would be exhausted being your friend. Either accept your friends as they are or move on.

mollyoppy · 17/04/2023 09:30

Having glanced at some of the OP's previous threads, there's certainly a theme of not quite understanding other people, and struggling with deciphering their feelings and intentions.

OP, people here will give you a good steer on how to act in social situations. And you should err on the side of caution when it comes to pushing at social interactions.

Mumma · 17/04/2023 10:01

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 07:34

I was merely pointing out the difference between the friend keeping me at the door and the neighbour asking me in. If someone called round tto see me out of the blue i would always ask them in. I was raised to keep my home neat and tidy and that is how my mum kept our home. Never untidy becauseshe said you never know who might call and you should not feel embarrassed that your home is messy. Our home was always imaculate

Show quote history

Not even remotely similar circumstances.

You sound nuts she probably thinks you are stalking her...

Original poster
Flute56 · 17/04/2023 10:08

Ok im trying to contact friends only once a week now

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 17/04/2023 10:23

Please say that this friend isn't the friend you previously emailed?!

TwoThousandZeroZeroPartyOverOopsFoundMoreTime · 17/04/2023 11:02

@Flute56
PPs are trying to give you advice which will help you manage your expectations better

Summary is

  • you want a level of friend contact from your friend she doesn't provide or is comfortable for her. She doesn't want to share some info about her health or plans with you. Might be you might be she's like that generally. She's showing you that, please believe her
  • just because you would invite an unannounced friend in every time and keep your house tidy it doesn't mean everybody else does or should. I don't as my life is busy, sometimes I won't want an uninvited visitor no matter how much I like them . That's not rude or wrong, it's my life and my preference same as it is your friend's. Text first to ask. Don't take away her choice or control over her life
  • you'd be better to back off and see her as an individual with the quirks she has , maybe she's an acquaintance friend not a close friend as you'd define it
  • you can't force people to be close friend or interested in same way you are. Value this friend for who SHE is as you may be pushing her away by feeling needy or more demanding than she prefers.
I've close friends I see every few months, it's drive me mad if they were constantly pushing me to also see them. (My life is too busy with other commitments , family and friends. There's no one friend I see or phone weekly! That suits me, maybe that suits her better. Maybe she's just not as social as you are and likes her own company more)

Don't put all your eggs in one basket when that basket doesn't want the eggs!!

TwoThousandZeroZeroPartyOverOopsFoundMoreTime · 17/04/2023 11:06

Flute56 · 17/04/2023 10:08

Ok im trying to contact friends only once a week now

I think you're more caught up in what friends should do from your POV than who they are. Your friends are individuals with their own lives which may be busier at times. You should play it by ear and 'read the room' (ie if they don't swoons for a while that's fine don't keep texting if it's clear they don't want as frequent contact as you initiate)

TwoThousandZeroZeroPartyOverOopsFoundMoreTime · 17/04/2023 11:06

Reply not swoons!

Tempone · 17/04/2023 11:12

Hi op, not being nosey, wondering if perhaps you are ND and maybe sometimes struggle with social situations?
It can be hard to navigate friendships and understand things like unanswered text. Listen to pp upthread who are giving you advice.

greyhairnomore · 17/04/2023 11:18

Why do you think you're entitled to know about your friend's illness or where she's been ?

Moranguinho · 17/04/2023 11:31

This is sounding on the autistic spectrum.

ChickenDhansak82 · 17/04/2023 11:39

This sounds more like an acquaintance than a friend.

You might want to look up the definition of friendship and accept that this perhaps isn't one, but instead more like an acquaintance.

Rather than spending too much time dwelling on this, why not get out in the real world and meet some new people, some that you might have more in common with and "gel" with?

Neandertallica · 17/04/2023 11:43

You’re not a friend, you’re a stalker. Back off.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/04/2023 11:44

Close friend or not, if you've not at least arranged ahead with me that you are popping round, there is no guarantee I'd invite you in. Sometimes life is chaos. Who wants to drop it at a seconds notice to sit and feel uncomfortable that someone has dropped by unannounced and the place is a shit tip and the milks turned and the toddler has just had a massive crap on the potty?

Nope. Book it in.

Also, you get miffed that she doesn't reply to a video you shared? You get miffed that she didn't tell you her personal medical info?

Yab massively U here.

Original poster
Flute56 · 17/04/2023 15:10

I have two friends with health issues. One had cancer and told me all about it and the yllltreatment t she was getting. The other had eye issues and told me all about the symptoms and asked me to accompany her to the eye clinic for moral support which i did. She then thanked me for coming. So others are more open

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/04/2023 15:17

OP you sound like hard work. Not everyone thinks like you do. Stop ruminating over this stuff and get a hobby. Or a job if you don't have one. Fill your life with other stuff.