Friend

[Flute56]

There was another thread on this but it was a while ago so I thought I would make a new one. I have this friend who does not really bother with me very much. I do all the phoning and when it was her birthday I went to her house and gave her a present. She kept me at the front door and did not even invite me in. I thought that was pretty rude. I thought at least she would invite me in for a cup of tea considering I travelled quite a way to her house. I dont live that far from her but on that occasion I came from somewehre else. She always gives me a birthday card but I find her a bit secretive. She was not very well a while back but refused to say what the matter was and soemtimes she just says she is out and does not say wehre she has been. I sent her a video to watch as she showed an interest in it and even linked it to her wassap so she could just click on the link and that was 3 weeks ago and she still has not watched it. It makes me think I wasted my time. For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off.

So what?

I know this is going to be mind blowing, but not everyone is the same!

I’m in a group of 4 friends, and I’m really close with two of them. Two of them will know personal problems, but the other two won’t. Just because I chose to share with one person doesn’t mean I have to share with everyone else.

Friends aren't obliged to tell you all their private health matters.

Mate, if you're as hard work in person as you come across on here, this friend is holding you at arm's length on purpose.

You're entitled to nothing and nobody owes you their personal information.

😂😂😂😂

Everyone is different op - your friend and a lonely, elderly lady are not a fair comparison.

Lots of people, myself included hate people showing up unannounced.

At the risk of "trotting out" the old MN adage, are you at all ND, OP? It sounds as though your expectations of your friend are based on experiences with your former neighbour.

I have a reasonably diverse range of friends, old and new. I have never turned up uninvited (although once was close by a friend's house and phoned to ask if they were in). I don't expect people to tell my details of their personal lives. We just plan time together as and when our schedules allow and enjoy that time when we meet.

That's their choice, the friend in your OP has made a different one. She's telling you without actually telling you to back off but you're refusing to listen.
I think however many threads you make about her or how much advice you receive to leave her alone you will continue to ignore everything except your own wishes.

And? That doesn't mean everyone has to be open with you. You sound quite difficult.

HI @Flute56

I once saw a friend and her mother explaining something important to her 6 year old son. He was playing with a cat, and the cat started pulling away. They told him to watch her behavior, and that by pulling back she was actually telling him she needed some space. They said that since she couldn't talk, she was using non-verbal cues to tell him what she wanted and how she was feeling. They explained that if he would respect her needs and give her space, she would likely come back soon and play some more. Otherwise, she was going to avoid him.

The most important part was next, when they said "Max, people are like this, too. They will often tell you what they need without talking. It's really important that you pay attention to this if you want to have good relationships."

I thought this was genius and wished I had learned it at age 6 instead of age 36. It's something that many people know intuitively, but I had never heard it expressed so well.

I think your neighbor and your friend just have different needs. Your neighbor enjoyed impromptu visits, but your friend is not comfortable with that. It's ok, we all have different needs. But I think you should pay attention to what your friend is telling you. You might even want to say "Sorry I popped in on you the other day. It seemed like it wasn't a good time for a visit. I will always ask before doing that, going forward."

You might be surprised at how much more enjoyable your relationships can be when you give this kind of respect to someone.

@AliceOlive that woman sounds amazing and her wisdom ought to be on tea towels

I agree!

Take the hint and back off. This friendship apparently exists more in your mind than in hers

God, your friend sounds awful. She gives you birthday cards and takes you out for unappreciated meals and doesn’t bother you with her problems. What a cow.
🤨

You’re giving me the creeps. I’d be backing away and not telling you about my life either in the hope you[d get the message to leave me the hell alone.

Is this the friend you said “ would not return to the friendshi is she crawled to me on her hands and knees, She is too boring for me.” about @Flute56 … you’ve changed your tune. It sounds like she doesn’t want you as a friend and you’re not taking the hint. You sound demanding, intrusive and downright insulting when someone doesn’t do things your way.

I think you should find some lonely elderly people who'd like visitors, you sound good at it. Not everyone wants visitors or are like a open book, you need to respect your friends boundaries.

The last lonely elderly person she visited ended up having to tell the care home manger repeatedly that she didn’t want to speak to OP, which she ignored to the point that the daughter had to ban her from making contact…

@AliceOlive this is SUCH a good post.

OP, that's seriously useful life information. You could consider getting books on body language and social cues too. It sounds like you're not good at reading people or understanding how they might feel, but this is a puzzle you might be able to improve at.

How do you know this?

There seems to be an option on mumsnet to be able to see peoples' previous posts (as in, original posts, not comments on posts) because people often reference things from previous threads and I have no idea how they find them!!

For my last birthday a year ago she took me out for a meal and paid for it. Big Deal. That was a one off
This is awful. She did something nice for you and you react like that.

You don't seem to be picking up on cues that you are trampling on other people's boundaries. Your friend is indicating that she doesn't want as close a friendship as you do and you are ignoring that.
Talking about how you were brought up to keep your house clean and how the elderly neighbour was happy to see you (although someone upthread suggests you had to be stopped from visiting the care home) is totally irrelevant. The friend you are talking about does not want to invite people in who call in unannounced nor does she want to share details of her illness with you.
I'm astounded that you expect her to tell you where she has been when she has been out.

You need to back off from this friend and you also need to take a look at why you are behaving like this because in this case you are the problem and not her.

Search the username.

Christ OP, honestly back off, this is Single White Female vibes...AGAIN.

I just found the thread after I saw your post.

Oh OP, I feel for you, I really do. It is hard maintaining friendships. Perhaps you would do well from finding a hobby which has a weekly meeting so you have a weekly activity to go to and speak to others.

I've now read the whole care home thread.
You seem to lack the ability to pick up on very clear cues that you are pushing boundaries. You were told several times by the manager of the care home that the neighbour did not want to speak to you and you were also told by the daughter, but you still kept pushing.
This really isn't typical behaviour.
Is there a possibility that you have undiagnosed autism which means you are not able to read verbal and non-verbal cues correctly?
Or have you had a brain injury in the past? (I hope no one takes offense at this). My aunty suffered a very traumatic head injury when she was young and has amazingly been able to lead a pretty normal life, however she has very similar issues to those you have described in your posts - not understanding when people are saying no, and yet still pushing. I'm not sure how it all came out but I think a GP suggested that the brain injury could have affected the part of the brain which controls this kind of thing.