To tell ds why I don’t work?

[CaloriesShmalories]

I WBU, I know.

Ds is 17, ASD/PDA, is currently doing well but has a huge amount of arrogance and is in complete denial about how difficult he is.

I don’t work. He was home educated from 11 as he couldn’t cope with school.
He went to college at 16, his behaviour at home went downhill, I was called into college regularly for behavioural issues, which culminated in him dropping out before he was kicked out (he has an EHCP, College were not adhering to this, I do not have the brainpower to deal with that as I should, and with ds).

He’s been successfully working part time but does absolutely nothing in the house (PDA - it’s a successful day if I’m not sworn at, let alone expect anything out of him). He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, and I’m beyond managing it all. The house is in a state. He complains about this often, I suggest he clears up his mess often. He retorts that he works (my ex, his father also did this, whilst doing nothing to help).

I’m also caring for dd (ASD/ADHD) and younger ds (on ASD assessment pathway). I also take on a lot of the mental load for my elderly parents and see them several times a week.

Managing DS’s PDA over the years has left me mentally unwell. I’ve worked on this very successfully over the last year or so, and am definitely doing much better, but my executive functioning is shit, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people’s clutter (I’m also autistic).

Ds constantly points out that I don’t work, trying to belittle me (which no longer works). We generally get on very well. PDA parenting means he can and does work, but he expects me to be a slave when he’s home, because I’ve got nothing better to do 🙄.

I tend not to go down the resentful route any more, because it helps no one, but it’s always on the tip of my tongue to point out why I don’t work - because I’ve had to be completely flexible for him for the last 12 years, because I literally couldn’t work because his needs meant I couldn’t, that I’ve been out of the workplace for so long, still need a high level of flexibility that very few workplaces could accommodate, and whilst he’s feeling settled now, it’s only been a couple of months since I was called into college at least twice a week for several weeks, and I can’t just trust that things aren’t going to fall apart in an instant, like they have done since he was a little boy!

I’m honestly not resentful. He’s come on so much, I’m very proud of him, we have a good relationship where he will talk to me about anything and things are generally good.
It’s just this topic, the “you need to work” and “well I work” that really pushes my buttons.

@CaloriesShmalories "sometimes its easier to buy more spoons"

You wouldn't believe how many glasses we own lol

I would!
We used to bulk buy tv remotes at one point because they got lost or broken so many times!

Tell him that youre glad hes noticed that you had to give up your career in order to take care of him but that youd have hoped that by now he would have grown up and fucked off to let you get back to work rather than dealing with his chaos while he makes degrading comments.

@CaloriesShmalories bulk buy tv remotes

lol - I hope he was throwing them at walls not people /hug

Do you have a link?
Would be interesting to read.

Sadly both!
I have got very handy at DIYing wall holes though - toy Ironman had a deceptively hard head!

I’m guessing he’s masking all day when he’s working - which even though part time, will be demand-tastic for a young person with PDA/ASD.
Then once he’s back home, those extra demands of chores, perhaps mean it’s just too much and he acts towards you like he does.

Do you find on the days he’s not working, he’s less stressed and maybe helps out more?
Our son is autistic and avoidant of many demands and has very poor executive functioning (although less so now he’s 18), and we found the zero demand parenting strategy really helped. I’m sure you have heard of it. Maybe give it a go if you’ve not tried it and see if it makes a difference?

Perhaps when he jokes about you not working, it’s him ‘PDA role playing’ something he’s seen on tv or heard someone else say? I don’t think you need to avoid telling him why you don’t work but explaining it in a way that is kind and supportive towards him will maybe help him see why you’re upset when he says it. Has the PDA Society got anything useful on their website? I’ve not been on it for ages.

How do you link on here ?

He definitely masks, and needs things to be calm after work, but he’s a bit of a border collie at heart and is more difficult when not busy.

We do zero demand parenting, which has been life changing, and followed all the Explosive Child, low arousal stuff like our lives depended on it!

I’m certain that the me not working thing is largely down to the societal view that those who do not work are lazy scroungers - it’s hard to avoid. At one point the only school he could have tolerated was a special school, but even then it was far better for him to be at home, but I have pointed out to him that me educating him at home saved tax payers hundreds of thousands!

The problem with all these ‘no demand’ strategies for PDA is that they result in situations like the OP over and over again and with young people who are not equipped to ever engage with the wider world. Of course it reduces behavioural incidents if everyone tiptoes around buying extra household goods because one person is hoarding them or smashing them up but it is not a sustainable approach and results in many of these young people simply remaining at home with parents who are effectively their servants and borderline being abused for it.

insert url but with no spaces.

Oh fuck it.

Then the url, no full stop, no spaces, then again, no spaces

Jesus shit it’s efficient at linking 😂😭

I’ll try a different way.
Two of these -[
then the url, no spaces
Then two of these ]

So what do you suggest?
What has worked with your PDA child?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4986048/

@CaloriesShmalories aha cool - yes it was life changing for us too. Whilst he still has shut downs occasionally now he’s older, his melt downs stopped pretty much instantly when we brought in zero demands.

Like you say, it’s the societal view thing might be the reason and then due to his rigid thought processes, he’s unable to stop saying those things to you.

@jenandberrys - I know what you mean but luckily for us, he took to the zero demand style and as long as we worded it carefully, it still meant he could manage some things. Zero demands doesn’t necessarily have to mean they don’t have to do anything- it means you use different language to get rid of the notion of a demand being placed on them.

For us, it does still depend on how anxious DS is as to what he will accept as a demand but he now does a few things he didn’t used without hours of coaxing, such as brushing his teeth twice daily and having a shower.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3502928/EVERY-one-autistic-spectrum-experience-key-symptoms-just-varying-degrees.html

It’s all very well suggesting that this has created a monster, but you’re not seeing the bigger picture, that this parenting has prevented him from becoming an unemployable monster.

He goes to work, he earns good money because he’s so good at what he does, he follows orders, he is in a job for life if that’s what he chooses to do. I’m not sure how many 17 year olds could do that?

Without zero demand parenting he had no future, we couldn’t function as a family, so not only was he being failed but his siblings were too.

He has demands, but to a level he can cope with. Really not sure what else there is to do without sending our largely happy family back to traumatic times.

Shorter version references the study

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy thanks, I’ll have a read later.

I think people wilL wade in with quite uninformed ‘advice’ as you’ve put this in AIBU. I think you’re doing enough for society just caring for 3 children with additional needs, that’s great that your son is managing to work
and to the ‘everyone is on the spectrum’ people, no this isn’t the case. You can show different structures and functioning in neurodivergent brains with imaging. Most people have NT brain functioning, those who don’t have a more difficult time functioning as a minority and deserve and need support and understanding for optimal functioning. Those who are privileged often don’t recognise it whether that’s by race, sex, disability etc

That’s great that it has worked. Do you think he will be able to live independently as an adult or is it likely that he will always need to live with you? Sorry I don’t know how long Le your child is.

That's OK but it is literally one study, you know what scientists are like there will most likely be another 10 studies discrediting it so it is purely just opinions

I’ll read it in more depth later, but a quick look shows that it’s the genetic risk of autism that’s in most people, not that most people are somewhere on the spectrum.