To tell ds why I don’t work?

[CaloriesShmalories]

I WBU, I know.

Ds is 17, ASD/PDA, is currently doing well but has a huge amount of arrogance and is in complete denial about how difficult he is.

I don’t work. He was home educated from 11 as he couldn’t cope with school.
He went to college at 16, his behaviour at home went downhill, I was called into college regularly for behavioural issues, which culminated in him dropping out before he was kicked out (he has an EHCP, College were not adhering to this, I do not have the brainpower to deal with that as I should, and with ds).

He’s been successfully working part time but does absolutely nothing in the house (PDA - it’s a successful day if I’m not sworn at, let alone expect anything out of him). He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, and I’m beyond managing it all. The house is in a state. He complains about this often, I suggest he clears up his mess often. He retorts that he works (my ex, his father also did this, whilst doing nothing to help).

I’m also caring for dd (ASD/ADHD) and younger ds (on ASD assessment pathway). I also take on a lot of the mental load for my elderly parents and see them several times a week.

Managing DS’s PDA over the years has left me mentally unwell. I’ve worked on this very successfully over the last year or so, and am definitely doing much better, but my executive functioning is shit, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people’s clutter (I’m also autistic).

Ds constantly points out that I don’t work, trying to belittle me (which no longer works). We generally get on very well. PDA parenting means he can and does work, but he expects me to be a slave when he’s home, because I’ve got nothing better to do 🙄.

I tend not to go down the resentful route any more, because it helps no one, but it’s always on the tip of my tongue to point out why I don’t work - because I’ve had to be completely flexible for him for the last 12 years, because I literally couldn’t work because his needs meant I couldn’t, that I’ve been out of the workplace for so long, still need a high level of flexibility that very few workplaces could accommodate, and whilst he’s feeling settled now, it’s only been a couple of months since I was called into college at least twice a week for several weeks, and I can’t just trust that things aren’t going to fall apart in an instant, like they have done since he was a little boy!

I’m honestly not resentful. He’s come on so much, I’m very proud of him, we have a good relationship where he will talk to me about anything and things are generally good.
It’s just this topic, the “you need to work” and “well I work” that really pushes my buttons.

Thank you!
He only lasted 7 weeks at secondary school, so probably not him.
It’s nice to hear this from a teacher - we had some terrible experiences with teachers which leaves you quite jaded!

Love your user name!

I'd love to know what line of work your son is in

And it sounds like you have the patience of a saint.
DS12 recently diagnosed with ASD and school is not working out.

I fear for his future and mine tbh. Well done for getting this far.
Let me know if you find out where to draw the line in accommodating his needs and not enabling arsehole behaviour 💐

He is not long turned 18.
We just can’t tell how he will cope as an adult. He says he wants his own home and will keep it tidy and clean because he will have to. His current way of thinking when it comes to doing chores for me and his dad is that why would he need to? That’s not him being an arse, it’s him being very rigid in thought and not getting why he needs to.

I sometimes ask him to make me a cup of tea - he refuses and says I can make one myself. He has no malice but in his mind, I can do it perfectly well myself 😂. He also doesn’t get why a cup of tea would take away somebody’s stress and make them feel better. That’s his very literal mind I guess. Feeling guilt is a huge demand on him and so we try really hard never to make him feel guilty. He really berates himself if he feels he has upset someone.
For anyone thinking autistic people don’t have empathy - it’s the opposite! Most have tons of empathy - just not always a very overt way of showing it.

@Verbena17

That’s interesting to hear. he genuinely doesn’t get any of that on an emotional level? He doesn’t understand about doing something (just) to make someone feel better? Does he show love or affection in any other way? Do you think he could learn? Or would he just be ‘faking it’ to try and fit in?

what you describe reminds me very strongly of the support threads for women who are married to neurodivergent men: the lack of care, lack of affection, rigid thinking, just being totally oblivious to the emotional needs of others.

i apologise if my questions sound judgey: there is no ND in my family (that I know of).

That’s so like ds! You’ve described it perfectly.

I have an 18 year old son with ASD and PDA. I think you’re doing an amazing job coping with all the demands on you from your children and elderly relatives. I don’t see how you could possibly have the time/energy to go out to work. I wonder if it’d be any help to remind yourself that your son likely doesn’t have the insight to be able to appreciate the time and energy that supporting him and his siblings takes. It also sounds like he’s not ready to acknowledge the high level of support that he’s needed (and still needs)….verbally acknowledging this would mean that he’d need to accept the extent of his own difficulties. I think that pointing this out to him now would feel like an attack. Maybe as he continues to grow up and mature, he’ll be more appreciative. My son can be unkind to me at times and I’ve found that staying calm and and saying something like “Well, I’m doing the best I can” or similar can be helpful.

That’s correct. Some of the things he does do is because if he didn’t, the consequence would cause him greater anxiety. For example, he makes his bed beautifully every morning without being told. The reason for it isn’t because it’s a neat and tidy thing to do…..it’s so that the dog or cats don’t jump onto the place where he will be laying that night, dropping hair which could itch him.

He doesn’t like to touched and that does worry me about his possible future relationships if he has any. He has always said he would like a wife and a family and hopefully that will happen. As a young boy he was extremity affectionate and wanting lots of cuddles all the time but only from me. Often it would be because he didn’t like other peoples’ smell or perfume or found it hard to ‘read’ their faces if they wore glasses etc. Now, it just makes him jump/freeze/feel nauseous if he’s touched by anyone, especially if he doesn’t see the touch coming.

He allows me to kiss him goodnight on his head but not on his cheek….but then again he’s 18 so 😂

I would tell him that your job is raising your family. There is no blame and it is the truth.
I have just completed a year of teaching a girl with pda, you have my full admiration on managing so well. It must be incredibly challenging at times.

My answer would be

"And why do you think I don't work? What workplace, do you think, would put up with a worker having to keep leaving because their son can't fucking behave"

I don’t understand how he can not know why you don’t work- my son has asd,pda and adhd and I have to home Ed him. He is primary school age and he knows I don’t have a job because I have to stay at home with him.

If your son was at college and has a job then surely he can comprehend that you couldn’t home Ed him and be at work at the same time?!

He just thinks that only paid work counts, which is a different issue that needs addressing.

This.

Explain work is something you do not somewhere you go, and you work hard as a parent, providing support, education, a home for three children, including him, with additional needs. Point out that if you didn;t work, and just did as you pleased all day there'd be no food in the house, no sheets on the bed and no one would have educated him.

Tell him that you can work outside the home once he shares the duties of unpaid work within the home.

I would also pick him up, calmly, on every time he belittles you. I have friends who let this go with their sons and I never did, despite ADHD and ASD diagnosis. There was never an excuse to be sneering or unkind or dismissive of me.

He can't have it both ways. He can't expect you to do all the care and housework and then sneer at you for not working.

My DS with ADHD struggled at school, made ridiculous spontaneous decisions that were bad he'd agree after the event. I could only work part time for years when he was small and often got the dreaded call from his school he'd kicked off. After he left school he miraculously seemed better and got a job. I went full time and he was surprised. He asked me if it was too much for me working full time and looking after 3 DC, and why had I chosen now to do it. I just told him being a Mum was my most important job but now he was doing such a good job of working himself I wanted to do the same.