To tell ds why I don’t work?

[CaloriesShmalories]

I WBU, I know.

Ds is 17, ASD/PDA, is currently doing well but has a huge amount of arrogance and is in complete denial about how difficult he is.

I don’t work. He was home educated from 11 as he couldn’t cope with school.
He went to college at 16, his behaviour at home went downhill, I was called into college regularly for behavioural issues, which culminated in him dropping out before he was kicked out (he has an EHCP, College were not adhering to this, I do not have the brainpower to deal with that as I should, and with ds).

He’s been successfully working part time but does absolutely nothing in the house (PDA - it’s a successful day if I’m not sworn at, let alone expect anything out of him). He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, and I’m beyond managing it all. The house is in a state. He complains about this often, I suggest he clears up his mess often. He retorts that he works (my ex, his father also did this, whilst doing nothing to help).

I’m also caring for dd (ASD/ADHD) and younger ds (on ASD assessment pathway). I also take on a lot of the mental load for my elderly parents and see them several times a week.

Managing DS’s PDA over the years has left me mentally unwell. I’ve worked on this very successfully over the last year or so, and am definitely doing much better, but my executive functioning is shit, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people’s clutter (I’m also autistic).

Ds constantly points out that I don’t work, trying to belittle me (which no longer works). We generally get on very well. PDA parenting means he can and does work, but he expects me to be a slave when he’s home, because I’ve got nothing better to do 🙄.

I tend not to go down the resentful route any more, because it helps no one, but it’s always on the tip of my tongue to point out why I don’t work - because I’ve had to be completely flexible for him for the last 12 years, because I literally couldn’t work because his needs meant I couldn’t, that I’ve been out of the workplace for so long, still need a high level of flexibility that very few workplaces could accommodate, and whilst he’s feeling settled now, it’s only been a couple of months since I was called into college at least twice a week for several weeks, and I can’t just trust that things aren’t going to fall apart in an instant, like they have done since he was a little boy!

I’m honestly not resentful. He’s come on so much, I’m very proud of him, we have a good relationship where he will talk to me about anything and things are generally good.
It’s just this topic, the “you need to work” and “well I work” that really pushes my buttons.

This is what ds is like.
He doesn’t have meltdowns any more and his behaviour is much better and easier to deal with than it used to be, so we have come a long way (a few years ago I wouldn’t have thought he would be working or that we could live generally in peace, but here we are).

If I broke down he’d be horrified that he’d made me feel like this, and this is not how he usually behaves. This is one issue that I feel defensive about (I am a shit housekeeper), and when it occasionally comes up it gets me down and I’m not sure how to handle it.

I don’t feel like I’m making excuses for him though. I pull him up for stuff, he learns and comes to a better understanding, but this is one area that he cannot grasp - probably because the house is a tip and most that I do is quiet facilitating and making sure essentials are done.

I do see why some think I’m making excuses, but at the same time PDA is a very difficult presentation of ASD to handle, and I can’t help
but focus on the positives and how miraculous it is that he’s working and enjoying it.

@Oblomov23 I've seen your posts for years, it always struck me that our sons are similar - I hope things are ok for you at the moment?

@CaloriesShmalories

Thank you, he's absolutely thriving at Uni. I've enjoyed having him home for Easter. He's not an easy child. I've made many mistakes. But I've tried my very best.

I totally understand OP. DS19yrs has ASD and l was on first name terms with the primary, secondary and college secretary's as l was called in so much.

I'm having to increase my work hours soon as DS1 will turn 20yrs which means the tax credits and child benefit l get for him will cease.... despite that he has an EHCP and still in education... and he can't claim universal credit as in education... but he's not able to work.

I'm absolutely dreading it as his needs won't change from his birthday.... and l need the days off to mentally cope with everything.

@CaloriesShmalories is there a way to discuss people chipping in with money or chores, to make the house more manageable?

Or a way to make the house 'family work'- a shared project to revamp/blitz one room at a time?

I'm trying to articulate making it clear that the house is the business of everyone who lives in it, not just you counter to what the ex says!. That everyone needs to chip in at their own level, perhaps by cooking a meal, taking on the laundry, whatever seems appropriate.

In that case maybe you should break down in front of him and let him feel horrified. Otherwise how will he have any understanding of how his behaviour makes others feel? If you had said that he wouldn't care about your distress then there would be non point, but it seems you are saying very clearly that he does have empathy and would be horrified to see the impact of his behaviour. So why are you protecting him from this at the cost of your own mental health, That is not good for him and it is certainly not good for you.

You say that his behaviour has improved but is that simply down to the fact that you have removed all demand from him and the rest of the family is walking on eggshells or is it that he has better coping strategies. If the former, it's not sustainable, if the latter then there are grounds for you to now work with him on changing this aspect of his behaviour.

Of course you should tell him, but in a tactful appropriate way. ASD/PDA is no excuse for being an entitled arsehole and he’s slipping into an Andrew Tate view of women.

Fwiw I’m close to an ASD/ADHD/PDA teen and he’s never treated his mum like this, ever.

I had to google "PDA" - is that really a thing these days? How does one get diagnosed. I feel the same every Monday morning when my alarm goes off. Never found a label for it before now though!

Being serious, I've no help to offer OP. Your situation sounds bloody hard work and I hope you get the help you need to ease the struggle with the kids.

You are certainly not being unreasonable. What is "work" anyway? Doing a job for someone in return for getting paper notes or numbers on a bank account screen you can exchange for "things you need"?

Or is work caring for and protecting, nurturing and keeping safe your offspring?

BOTH are of course work. The caring for your kids has real value. The earning "credits" from a job to buy shit with is an absolute hamster treadmill waste of time, in the final death-bed telling of things.

Wishing you strength.

Yes this is a great way of putting it. I like the PP's idea of giving him the list of everything you've done that day and compare it to his too!

Due to his autism he does struggle with people, as most don’t make allowances for social awkwardness, and then believe he’s untrustworthy or unlikeable, but that’s on them, not on ds. As I’m sure you’re aware ASD is a disability and cannot be taught out of us, even if our behaviour doesn’t always reach NT expectations. I’m autistic and I’m a ray of fucking sunshine, ds is not. Expecting autistic people to overcome their disability for other’s sakes is a little ablist.

I agree with you partly, people should be more aware of the face that socially "awkward" people are often dealing with a disability or condition for sure. But IMO being autistic of the type your boy is (i.e. he's walking around and interacting with society) is more about impaired ability to think flexibly/imitate behaviour that others pick up naturally, imagine the emotions that others have etc. I.e. it's about UNDERSTANDING not about ACTION. He obviously could and should learn to stop slagging off his mother and being useless about the house - (I'd add that vast numbers of NT teenagers act this way too) otherwise you wouldn't be so cross that he's failing to do so. So I don't think e.g. accepting your statement that you have a fulltime job looking after him and his siblings is necessarily related to his autism, it sounds more like arrogance.

Can I ask why you think it's to do with his autism rather than to do with him being a bog standard 17 year old (naturally selfish) and being raised in a sexist society to boot?

One thing I would suggest is spelling out to him that each person creates work - and what kind of things. E.g. if no-one uses the toilet, it doesn't need cleaning. For each person who uses it it needs cleaning more often. Each person creates crumbs, laundry, stuff left lying around - and as an adult he is now required to clear up his own mess. I wonder if he'd get it if you said - well you're one of 4 people living here so that means you have to do 1/4 of the housework. Which do you want to take charge of? (have a list ready)

This is the thing with PDA. The low demand parenting is how we’ve got to a point where he’s not violent, not melting down every day. I’ve slowly increased demands as and when I can (although College knocked this back several steps), I’ve tried having chats with him about how others might perceive him, but as enough people like and value him he doesn’t care that some might not (and actually, I’m not going to try to knock that out of him - too many autistics end up severely mentally ill through trying to not be themselves to suit others).

I’m not enabling this behaviour, I’ve done the parenting equivalent of climbing Everest to work on what I can.

His father is around, but opts out of parenting. He’s quite passive. It was easier to go alone than to have any expectations that the other adult in the house might do anything.

He has friends, people either love him or hate him. If he’s with the right people things work out, he works hard, he wants to work, he’s loyal, he’s funny, he’s a decent person who will do anything for the people he loves.
If people expect him to not be him things fall apart and he reacts badly - he’s autistic, there’s only so much I can do to change this.

Is it 9% of autistic people who work full time? I believe this is lower for those with PDA presenting autism. Clearly teaching them to fit into an unforgiving world isn’t working out fantastically, so I’m not going to beat myself up about his flaws when he’s doing so well.

This one issue though - I will start to spell it out to him. He doesn’t understand, but maybe a drip feed affect would work.

every time he states it you state this
outside the home

he works outside the home therefore doesn't want to...work inside the home

I wouldn't frame it as why you don't work - instead just start answering

"Oh I work, I just don't get paid"

@HamptonCaught unfortunately I agree with you- but then I'm not one for trying to absolve teens of any responsibility- ADHD or not.

https://stats.oecd.org/index.aspx?queryid=54757 wonder if this would help

I personally think a much higher preparation of autistic people are in paid employment, they are just undiagnosed. Even thought diagnosis rates are increasing I still think it’s severely under diagnosed.

Can I ask why you think it's to do with his autism rather than to do with him being a bog standard 17 year old (naturally selfish) and being raised in a sexist society to boot?

Bog standard 17 year old is definitely in there. It’s more his reaction and inability to accept explanations, especially when it puts any onus or demand on him (eg. the <insert room> is a mess because you haven’t put your clothes away) leads to huge stress and defensiveness, so I’ll wait until he’s calm to discuss it more, but he has little understanding that his clothes cluttering up a room could possibly affect anyone else or create work for anyone, considering that that person (me) doesn’t work outside the home. I know it’s a typical sexist attitude, but there’s a level I’m struggling to describe that is very much PDA, and therefore very difficult to manage.

I think you can say that raising a family, particularly when there are additional needs and managing a household is a full time job. You don't have to say "I haven't worked because of you." But you can say you've wanted to be there for your children to support and look after them, and that hasn't left much other time for another job.

It sounds like you're doing a terrific job, it's obviously a huge slog every day.

Are you kidding?
I posted this in the wrong place.

OK yeah I can see that. Does he get annoyed by other people's stuff?

Autism is such a big scale I do think everybody has autistic traits but most don't bother getting diagnosed unless it significantly impacting their life as there's not really any point

I think it's fine to acnkowledge that raising kids, and especially taking the parenting decisions you have as a family for the best of everyone, requires and is as work. Even if in the home and unpaid.

Oh dear.

Autustic traits are human. Not all humans are autistic, just as wearing glasses does not make one a little bit blind.

Anyway, not my job to educate anyone about autism, I have more than enough on my plate.

Yes he does, but this is always used as a tool to teach - he cannot be upset by younger DS’s mess when his mess takes up more space.

Do you want to go to work, OP? Just thinking now your ds is out at work you could also, if you're not there - because you're working- you won't be sworn at or abused.

According to a harvard study they are but im sure there's also a million studies saying they aren't so it's just depends what your personal views on the subject are