To tell ds why I don’t work?

[CaloriesShmalories]

I WBU, I know.

Ds is 17, ASD/PDA, is currently doing well but has a huge amount of arrogance and is in complete denial about how difficult he is.

I don’t work. He was home educated from 11 as he couldn’t cope with school.
He went to college at 16, his behaviour at home went downhill, I was called into college regularly for behavioural issues, which culminated in him dropping out before he was kicked out (he has an EHCP, College were not adhering to this, I do not have the brainpower to deal with that as I should, and with ds).

He’s been successfully working part time but does absolutely nothing in the house (PDA - it’s a successful day if I’m not sworn at, let alone expect anything out of him). He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, and I’m beyond managing it all. The house is in a state. He complains about this often, I suggest he clears up his mess often. He retorts that he works (my ex, his father also did this, whilst doing nothing to help).

I’m also caring for dd (ASD/ADHD) and younger ds (on ASD assessment pathway). I also take on a lot of the mental load for my elderly parents and see them several times a week.

Managing DS’s PDA over the years has left me mentally unwell. I’ve worked on this very successfully over the last year or so, and am definitely doing much better, but my executive functioning is shit, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people’s clutter (I’m also autistic).

Ds constantly points out that I don’t work, trying to belittle me (which no longer works). We generally get on very well. PDA parenting means he can and does work, but he expects me to be a slave when he’s home, because I’ve got nothing better to do 🙄.

I tend not to go down the resentful route any more, because it helps no one, but it’s always on the tip of my tongue to point out why I don’t work - because I’ve had to be completely flexible for him for the last 12 years, because I literally couldn’t work because his needs meant I couldn’t, that I’ve been out of the workplace for so long, still need a high level of flexibility that very few workplaces could accommodate, and whilst he’s feeling settled now, it’s only been a couple of months since I was called into college at least twice a week for several weeks, and I can’t just trust that things aren’t going to fall apart in an instant, like they have done since he was a little boy!

I’m honestly not resentful. He’s come on so much, I’m very proud of him, we have a good relationship where he will talk to me about anything and things are generally good.
It’s just this topic, the “you need to work” and “well I work” that really pushes my buttons.

It’s true though. And he sounds awful.

I am not suggesting that you have created a monster and my apologies if it came across that way. It just seems that you are press two things that are odds, on the one hand you describe him as above ie able to hold down a job, live independently etc but in your OP you describe behaviour that would be considered abusive in any other context. It seems that he is able to function but at the expense of your well-being and mental health. Just because it was horrendous before, doesn’t mean it is ok now just because it’s not as bad.

Also it’s from 7 years ago, I’ve studied autism at Ma level since then and it wasn’t brought up as significant research.

“He sounds awful”

Thank you, that’s a helpful thing to say about my autistic child.

It’s an article from the daily mail, quoting a study in a small journal, would be interesting to see the peer review! And yes I read it the same that the genetic risk is probably there, but then we all
have potentially fatal genetic flaws that aren’t expressed so I’m not sure it’s saying much!

This is why I said its literally one study and wouldn't read to much into it as there will be multiple other studies and why I also said its just my personal opinion and not fact. I also said my personal opinion may not be accurate compared to the general public as I have bpd which I expect is undiagnosed autism

100% this. It is a job in itself and many wouldn't be able to do it.
I have severe adult adhd and I can't sustain a normal job, so I can definitely relate.

In this one instance, and others with PDA understand.

I’m certain he’ll live independently, he works successfully largely because the rest of his life is managed - as is necessary for many disabled people.

I don’t know what his future will be like relationships wise, I’m not certain he’ll ever have an easy life because of his disability.

I’m not sure if it’s intended, but your posts come across as if this should all be fixed - he has a disability, the very fact that against the odds he’s doing as well as he is is miraculous, and occasionally I need an offload because it’s hard work, and I made the stupid mistake of posting in AIBU (no idea why!), but he is who he is, and at the root of that is PDA, for which there is no cure.

It’s well known that parents of autistic children often have cortisol levels higher than front line soldiers, parenting our children goes hand in hand with mental illness, this isn’t unusual. In this snapshot of ds his behaviour is abusive, but I can see the bigger picture, I can see how far he’s come, how well he’s doing, how much his behaviour has improved, and that’s the most important thing.

I think it’s pretty common with his diagnosis. He works so he feels he’s now more superior to you, he doesn’t realise what you do each day, why would he? He has ASAd and PDA so he doesn’t notice all you do for him and his siblings, he see’s what he wants to see. You have always done everything for him so he takes it for granted, he doesn’t see what you do as a job because in his eyes a job is where you go out of the house, work for someone else and get money for it.

Its easy for other people to call him selfish and ungrateful and yes he probably is these things but he’s probably never noticed all you do for him and just feels as a mother those are the things you are supposed to do.

I have 2 dc on the spectrum, eldest started uni this year and she’s become even more selfish. I never went to uni, I haven’t worked full time for 15 years as I am caring for her sister who is severely autistic, dd1 now believes she’s more superior than I am, she doesn’t care that I have spent the past 19 years supporting everything she does, cooking for her, cleaning for her and fixing any problem that arises because she didn’t chose to be born yet I chose to be a mother 😬. When she comes home I find it hard to be around her, she still expects me to do everything for her even though she’s capable of doing it herself now (though she doesn’t really have great cooking skills and I do all her washing) she also expects me to pay for everything even though she has more money than I do. Yes she is selfish and ungrateful but she didn’t ask to be born . I just hope one days she realises all I have done but chances are she won’t.

The first part of this. I just don’t know how to express to you the difference between feeling like that on a Monday and living with someone who cannot do a simple, straightforward action, to facilitate something that they desperately want to do, but the pressure and anxiety associated with the initial request is such that they and the entire thing fall apart. Repeatedly. Regularly. Over and over again.

some of us live a life where reminding our kids to put their shoes on so we can go and do the nice thing we had planned can cause extreme anxiety and the inability to do part a and then also part b. Over and over again

Thank you. I’m sure on some level she’ll appreciate what you’ve done for her 💐

Write it out on a piece of paper and hand it to him.

I don’t work because I can’t. You are hurting my feelings when you say this. Don’t say this to me again.

I don’t really have any advice but you must be exhausted. He sounds just like my eldest DS who has lived with his dad for a few years. I have my youngest DS who’s autistic but quiet and well-behaved and I was diagnosed about 8 years ago. I totally understand that it’s just impossible to change your DS’s behaviour…it’s as if part of his brain is missing. When my DS lived with me I felt so ill most of the time (not just because of his behaviour) and sometimes I’d be crying and that would just make him angry. He didn’t seem to have any empathy at all although I’d say he’s a bit better lately.
I’ve been left completely burnt out and now have only a few hours during the day that I can be productive. If you’re like me, then not only are you drained of energy but you can’t focus on work and your children. I’d become to anxious if I had to be at work in case someone needed me at home.
There’s no point telling him why you don’t work because he won’t understand. Just ignore.

@CaloriesShmaloriesbut if your son is out of the house working 9-5 he won't need you then so couldn't you find a part time job that fits around him? Not because he's questioning your employment status but for your own sanity.

He’s working part time at the moment.
I still have other children to support, with school meetings etc, and evenings are the times when most managing and strategies are needed.

At the moment I have two days a week alone, so I’m starting to recover mentally.

I’m sure ds is ok in his job, and will hopefully pick up more hours as time goes by, but at the moment I’m still aware that if he falls to pieces it happens quickly. I don’t want to tempt fate yet and assume that things will be hunky dory. It’s only a couple of months since shit went down at college, I think I’m still reeling from that!

Yes, this is exactly what it’s like!

Im currently not exhausted as much, and I’m mentally doing much better, but there’s still the worry niggling away that it could all fall to bits again. That’s difficult to shake off.

@CaloriesShmalories "I can see the bigger picture, I can see how far he’s come," hold onto that, it really is the view from the top of the mountain that makes the climb bearable right?

Also sorry he was throwing stuff at you, that sucks (but doesn't especially surprise me).

I survived 20 years of a marriage to a person (now dx ASD) who didn't consider anything 'work' unless he did it. It was infuriating. Partly, he was ASD rigid thinking. Mostly he was a selfish arse. My kids both have ASD. One has PDA. I'm on a mission to ensure they don't grow up as selfish as their Dad.
It's a broken record: 'I do work too'. 'I'm a person too'. 'We ALL contribute'.
And repeat. Ad nauseam.

Hopefully it’ll sink in!

Thank you!

We got good at catching and ducking, every cloud and all that!

Pda parenting is shitty as hell for example why "won't" YOU work my DAD works, I look after you and your brother HE said he can do it YOU won't let him ok that's fine I will get daddy to take you to school and pick you up on his day and then I will go to work

he left them on the doorstep

pda parenting is hard pda parenting with a wanker ex harder

Took years for ds to "understand" its hard for me to work and he still falls into the trap of dad works therefore YOU can work too but dad doesn't take care of them so that's why he can work

💯 my ex uses the fact he works full time as an excuse for any questionable parenting.

you are mvp 💯

My son has pda and he also thinks he's perfect. I work to get away from him. He only goes to school once in a blue moon now and he has no job. I'm scared he'll live at home forever.

I am a secondary school teacher who has taught two or three young men like your son, with ASD/PDA. I’m fact your DS sounds so similar to one of them I’m wondering if it is him! I have no specific advice I just wanted to say “I hear you, vent away if you need to”. Those saying “He sounds awful” just don’t get PDA.

You are doing a fantastic, often thankless job, as evidenced by the fact that your son is working. That’s an amazing accomplishment for you both. I have nothing but admiration for you and if you need to vent on here, that’s all it is - healthy venting which preserves your relationship with your son.