To tell ds why I don’t work?

[CaloriesShmalories]

I WBU, I know.

Ds is 17, ASD/PDA, is currently doing well but has a huge amount of arrogance and is in complete denial about how difficult he is.

I don’t work. He was home educated from 11 as he couldn’t cope with school.
He went to college at 16, his behaviour at home went downhill, I was called into college regularly for behavioural issues, which culminated in him dropping out before he was kicked out (he has an EHCP, College were not adhering to this, I do not have the brainpower to deal with that as I should, and with ds).

He’s been successfully working part time but does absolutely nothing in the house (PDA - it’s a successful day if I’m not sworn at, let alone expect anything out of him). He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, and I’m beyond managing it all. The house is in a state. He complains about this often, I suggest he clears up his mess often. He retorts that he works (my ex, his father also did this, whilst doing nothing to help).

I’m also caring for dd (ASD/ADHD) and younger ds (on ASD assessment pathway). I also take on a lot of the mental load for my elderly parents and see them several times a week.

Managing DS’s PDA over the years has left me mentally unwell. I’ve worked on this very successfully over the last year or so, and am definitely doing much better, but my executive functioning is shit, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people’s clutter (I’m also autistic).

Ds constantly points out that I don’t work, trying to belittle me (which no longer works). We generally get on very well. PDA parenting means he can and does work, but he expects me to be a slave when he’s home, because I’ve got nothing better to do 🙄.

I tend not to go down the resentful route any more, because it helps no one, but it’s always on the tip of my tongue to point out why I don’t work - because I’ve had to be completely flexible for him for the last 12 years, because I literally couldn’t work because his needs meant I couldn’t, that I’ve been out of the workplace for so long, still need a high level of flexibility that very few workplaces could accommodate, and whilst he’s feeling settled now, it’s only been a couple of months since I was called into college at least twice a week for several weeks, and I can’t just trust that things aren’t going to fall apart in an instant, like they have done since he was a little boy!

I’m honestly not resentful. He’s come on so much, I’m very proud of him, we have a good relationship where he will talk to me about anything and things are generally good.
It’s just this topic, the “you need to work” and “well I work” that really pushes my buttons.

He does sound incredibly entitled. I have an autistic with PDA. I have always been very honest with her about why I work part-time and the sacrifices I have made to ensure she is cared for. I frame it in a ‘I love you so much, I want the best for you’ type of way. I agree with others that your DS needs a reality check and he needs to be made aware of how much other people bend to accommodate his needs

Yes. It’s time he grew up a bit so think you should tell him you haven’t worked for the last 12 years due to his behaviour and you won’t be able to get a job going forward if he continues to expect you to be a skivvy. Will
he be moving out at 18?

This OP.
We're an ND household ourselves.
There's a fine, and sometimes blurred line between autistic people being genuinely demand avoidant, and being entitled.
If he is self aware enough to complain articulately about mess - rather than exploding into a meltdown, it seems that he is actually entitled and think you'll do anything,

What happens if you breakdown? What would he do then?

As much as you want to protect and help him live his best life you're human and also ND yourself. I don't know whether getting 'someone else' to do it for a bit would drive the point home - that it's actually work, people get PAID to do, and you're doing for free?

@ilovesooty so he's saving the nastiness for op. I think he does need some home truths as some other poor woman is going to bear the brunt of this one day.

Also OP I don't think pouinting out he's high needs is going to damage his self esteem or anything. Quite the opposite. He's gotten too full of it,

We’re all autistic in the family, and well aware that the world doesn’t make allowances for us.
This is one particular area that I struggle with with ds, there are so many positives which I could list, but that wasn’t the point of the post.

Due to his autism he does struggle with people, as most don’t make allowances for social awkwardness, and then believe he’s untrustworthy or unlikeable, but that’s on them, not on ds. As I’m sure you’re aware ASD is a disability and cannot be taught out of us, even if our behaviour doesn’t always reach NT expectations. I’m autistic and I’m a ray of fucking sunshine, ds is not. Expecting autistic people to overcome their disability for other’s sakes is a little ablist.

Yes this issue is disheartening, it gets me down and I need to find a way to overcome it, but it’s not who ds is, there’s so much more about him.

@Dilemma19 thats how it sounded to me, I'm afraid.

I'd show him the maths.

The cost of the care work you do, how much it would cost to pay for someone else to do all this, vs how much you would then actually earn in a job.

To be honest I think you should go and get yourself a job, as at least that way you can get a break!

I'd also be telling your DS what the expectations are at home and what the consequences will be if he does not comply. Write these down and put them on the fridge.

Op you need to re read your OP again. You've painted a very real and awful picture of him which I suspect is a huge issue for you else you wouldn't have posted. He's picking and choosing when to be nasty and to who. You could excuse all of this for him, but what happens when he has to move on in life? Expecting other people to allow for this is just unrealistic and even more so completely unacceptable for others just to tolerate.

You work from home looking after him and his siblings. You would do anything for them. You should respect everyone’s family choices.

You don't have a good relationship. Because the basic level of love and respect is not there. Or else he wouldn't say such things. My ds1 has said some terrible things to me years ago, very hurtful.

Again, you are attributing it all to the ASD. Non one is suggesting he should overcome his disability for the sake of others, merely that maybe not every single thing is down to the ASD. Like I said people with ASD have the same wide range of personalities that NT people have, some are happy go lucky and easy going, some are arseholes, most are somewhere in between. You have said that some people find him unlikeable due to his social awkwardness, based on what you have said it is far more likely they find him unlikeable for the very reasons you have listed. If, as you say, he is able to hold down a job and will live independently then you are not doing him any favours with letting him continue too treat you like this. You find him challenging and you love him, how do you think people who don't love him (i.e. the rest of the world) will react when he acts like this towards them.

i think you need to phrase it positively and stick to it: “There are a lot of admin work and house related stuff which needs to be done so it’s basically my job at this house. Sometimes it happens… insert some examples
I think you have to keep it simple and positive and short. Don’t go into long discussions with him about it. I think you resent it that’s why it’s hurtful you are not relaxed about it. (Which is difficult, I know)

It's very difficult isn't it. I'm finding, particularly on mumsnet, that when your ADHD/ASD child is young you must bend over backwards to meet their every need. But the minute they become 16+ and you look for support with the transition to adulthood, the narrative is all about chucking them out to fend for themselves and blame that you didn't bring them up properly despite their neurodiversity. similarly in real life, there is NO support for anyone with PDA as it's just so bloody difficult to manage.
I identify with a lot of what you're saying. I do work, but am lucky in that I can be very flexible and drop work when needed at home.
💐 for you; I wish I had some answers.

He sounds like my 12 year old autistic son who loves to criticise- I have to let it wash over me.

He has no concept of his SN?
This is not unusual of a PDA, ASD at these ages. I'd still spell it out to him, politely as BayTree says. I would say to him, you seem to underestimate how challenging your PDA and ASD has been at certain points.

ds2 has similar profile. When he tells me I don't work (actually I work because I have an online business but it is from home) I list what I have done that day and then ask for his list. Sorted.

You could find an advert for a housekeeper and say that what you do at home is your job?

This would provide written proof of the sort of thing people can get paid for, without criticising him.

OP you’ve come back and again defended his awful behaviour. If you don’t address it, it will continue.

As an autistic person your son is first and foremost a person, some are absolute arses and others are lovely. Your son sounds like an arse.

My husband’s autistic stepfather makes derogatory comments about strangers to their faces as he likes to pull other people down to make him feel better about his failings. His wife, my MIL, taught my autistic husband this behaviour was ok. He spent almost 40 years of his life feeling unlikable and unlovable because he copied this behaviour.

I met him when he was nearly 40 and I was the first person who explained how he came across in those situations, that this wasn’t ok and that was the reason many people didn’t like him. I had to be incredibly firm with him but in under a year we managed to work together to change this taught behaviour and he no longer acts like a twat when we are out. It was hard work but I did it as he was worth it.

Do you want your son to spend decades of his adult years feeling unliveable and unloved because you’ve taught him that his behaviour is ok.

@pickledandpuzzled

excellent.!!

I can see this in my future, OP.

DD1 masks all day at school then comes home and explodes into a meltdown. Or, she is nervous about an activity and explodes into a meltdown before we go.

I understand why she has meltdowns. I understand why she targets me. But. It sets a habit and a tone from early on. Literally a punching bag.

I don't know what to do, mind you. The meltdown is part of her disability. Me being the target is about her secure attachment.

She seems to see no purpose to reciprocal pro-social behaviour. Perhaps that will come in adulthood?

I agree with Jen&Berry, maybe you think you are, but actually not, re not doing him any favours, but my particular view is often not liked on MN.

Is this ASD or just general unpleasantness and obnoxious? ASD or not, much of the world won't put up with it, if he treats others the way you let him treat you. He might get sacked, or bopped on the nose!

I worked on Ds1, his quirks, and still do, even now. I see the world as quite ASD unforgiving, so I tried to help ds1 understand it, understand the rules, grasp what the expectations are, what people expect. He liked the teen book, 'The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules'. So although it may not come naturally to him, he's understood more, become a tiny bit more rounded, a tiny bit less ASD. A tiny bit maybe. If you don't wish to follow that, no problem, I am not claiming it is the best of only way. I was only trying my best, to help my particular ds, only, in a world that like I say I think is uncompromising and unforgiving generally to SN.

It may be that he understands that even though he has special needs that he has to do chores within the home and work outside of the home as well. He may just not fully understand that the work outside of the home as being optional for his.mother.

You have probably done a great job in instilling him the importance of work and some level of financial sufficiency that he is confused particularly if he has friends whose moms manage home and work.

It might be helpful if you could outline your daily routine to help him understand the similarities and differences in your days. You should not have to do this, but it could actually help both of you understand your relative perspectives.

Bloody hell OP ,I feel exhausted just reading all that! Does he see his Dad at all? Just wondering if this is coming from him. I would just say matter of factly ,you are working in fact ,but not drawing a wage .If you were working it would be impossible for him to manage.While I dont say to "lay it on him" he needs to acknowledge the sacrifices you have made for his benefit.He sounds rather rude and entitled ,but he may be getting crap from his dad about you "not working" and needs to learn the truth

Tbh I would tell him, but in a gentle way not directed solely at him.
I’d just say: I stopped working so I could focus on you and the other kids because you needed more support- please don’t raise this again because I’ve done a lot for you and it’s coming across as very ungrateful.