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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ds why I don’t work?

162 replies

CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 13:52

I WBU, I know.

Ds is 17, ASD/PDA, is currently doing well but has a huge amount of arrogance and is in complete denial about how difficult he is.

I don’t work. He was home educated from 11 as he couldn’t cope with school.
He went to college at 16, his behaviour at home went downhill, I was called into college regularly for behavioural issues, which culminated in him dropping out before he was kicked out (he has an EHCP, College were not adhering to this, I do not have the brainpower to deal with that as I should, and with ds).

He’s been successfully working part time but does absolutely nothing in the house (PDA - it’s a successful day if I’m not sworn at, let alone expect anything out of him). He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, and I’m beyond managing it all. The house is in a state. He complains about this often, I suggest he clears up his mess often. He retorts that he works (my ex, his father also did this, whilst doing nothing to help).

I’m also caring for dd (ASD/ADHD) and younger ds (on ASD assessment pathway). I also take on a lot of the mental load for my elderly parents and see them several times a week.

Managing DS’s PDA over the years has left me mentally unwell. I’ve worked on this very successfully over the last year or so, and am definitely doing much better, but my executive functioning is shit, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people’s clutter (I’m also autistic).

Ds constantly points out that I don’t work, trying to belittle me (which no longer works). We generally get on very well. PDA parenting means he can and does work, but he expects me to be a slave when he’s home, because I’ve got nothing better to do 🙄.

I tend not to go down the resentful route any more, because it helps no one, but it’s always on the tip of my tongue to point out why I don’t work - because I’ve had to be completely flexible for him for the last 12 years, because I literally couldn’t work because his needs meant I couldn’t, that I’ve been out of the workplace for so long, still need a high level of flexibility that very few workplaces could accommodate, and whilst he’s feeling settled now, it’s only been a couple of months since I was called into college at least twice a week for several weeks, and I can’t just trust that things aren’t going to fall apart in an instant, like they have done since he was a little boy!

I’m honestly not resentful. He’s come on so much, I’m very proud of him, we have a good relationship where he will talk to me about anything and things are generally good.
It’s just this topic, the “you need to work” and “well I work” that really pushes my buttons.

OP posts:
postapesto · 16/04/2023 16:21

WhirlAndCleek · 16/04/2023 13:56

Please don’t tell him. You’d basically be saying it’s all his fault. That’s not something to lay on his shoulders.

This is a ridiculous answer. It isn't his "fault" but he is the reason she doesn't work. Lying to him while he berates and belittles her is obviously not working, because its a terrible idea.

Tell him the truth. He's well able for it.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/04/2023 16:22

@CaloriesShmalories apologies- I missed that he was autistic- my error!!

Cattunnel · 16/04/2023 16:22

It sounds like he needs to be treated like an adult, rather than a child more now

I would suggest that you agree that he does some chores at home each week as a nearly adult

You could also charge him some rent money after 18

Can he cook a family meal once a week ?

He is incredibly rude to you, when you have sacrificed so much !

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:25

It’s belittling and ablist to tell an autistic that everyone’s a little bit autistic, when they’ve had significant enough problems to lead to a diagnosis.
It’s usually followed by “everyone does this, so why aren’t you managing” and ends up accusatory with no other end point but to make sure the autistic person feels more useless than they already do. So it tends to be unhelpful all round.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:27

Cattunnel · 16/04/2023 16:22

It sounds like he needs to be treated like an adult, rather than a child more now

I would suggest that you agree that he does some chores at home each week as a nearly adult

You could also charge him some rent money after 18

Can he cook a family meal once a week ?

He is incredibly rude to you, when you have sacrificed so much !

With all due respect I’m not sure you understand the situation.

He will be charged rent, he knows and is fully prepared to pay his share.

He claims PIP because there are things that he just can’t do, and no amount of treating him like an adult will change those, but I won’t be going into more detail as much of it is personal.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:30

I’d love to do a 9-5 job and just live a normal life, but right now I don’t think I’d find any job that would be as flexible as I’d need it to be, and I’m not sure I’d have the mental capacity to do it anyway.

OP posts:
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 16/04/2023 16:31

CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:25

It’s belittling and ablist to tell an autistic that everyone’s a little bit autistic, when they’ve had significant enough problems to lead to a diagnosis.
It’s usually followed by “everyone does this, so why aren’t you managing” and ends up accusatory with no other end point but to make sure the autistic person feels more useless than they already do. So it tends to be unhelpful all round.

No I said autism is a scale meaning people who are diagnosed are higher up that scale as it obviously significantly impacts their life as if you was at the bottom of the scale it wouldn't significantly impact your life to the point your probably unaware of it. I'm the 2nd person on this thread you have called ablist now because you don't agree with their opinion maybe you need to think about that

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:33

I understood what you meant.
IME this is used against autistic people - in school, in everyday life. It’s not a new concept to me that I’m not grasping.
This is used against autistic people everywhere.

OP posts:
h3ll0o · 16/04/2023 16:34

CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:25

It’s belittling and ablist to tell an autistic that everyone’s a little bit autistic, when they’ve had significant enough problems to lead to a diagnosis.
It’s usually followed by “everyone does this, so why aren’t you managing” and ends up accusatory with no other end point but to make sure the autistic person feels more useless than they already do. So it tends to be unhelpful all round.

OP please do not make sweeping statements about the autistic community and how we all think. It’s important that society understands we are rounded individuals and not a 2d stereotype who are the same.We all view the world differently based on our own experiences, social networks, workplace culture etc

I do not feel belittled when someone makes this statement and neither does my autistic husband, instead I find this statement often helps others to empathise with my own experiences.

doadeer · 16/04/2023 16:35

OP could it be because he is proud of having a job and he is trying to banter but it's coming across as rude? Or he wants to engage about his job but he has realised you don't have a job in a sense he could understand it, as he doesn't understand managing a family?

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 16/04/2023 16:36

CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:33

I understood what you meant.
IME this is used against autistic people - in school, in everyday life. It’s not a new concept to me that I’m not grasping.
This is used against autistic people everywhere.

Lots of things are used against people with disabilities you think the stigma around autism is bad try having bpd but there's a difference between something being used against you and someone having an opinion you don't agree with.

MysteryBelle · 16/04/2023 16:36

Tell him you do work. You care lovingly for three children and the home and household.
❤️

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 16/04/2023 16:36

@CaloriesShmalories I feel your pain, we currently have no spoons. Too many spoons are dirty in his bedroom and he's away for the weekend. But I cannot go into his room, for that is a big problem for him.

I think other mums, awesome and well meaning as they are, who have not had to deal with a meltdown can be a little naive in just how far we mums go to avoid them. We pick our battles because trying to fight them all leads to endless fighting and no progress on any front.

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:37

I can only go by my experience, and that of my dc. Sweeping statements like “we’re all in the spectrum” has only harmed people and been used to deny support.

OP posts:
LemonSwan · 16/04/2023 16:38

I would sit down and have a talk. He has no respect. He needs a reality check. Better to explain why you don’t ‘work’ carefully, calmly and considered than loosing your rag one day and screaming it’s because if you.

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:38

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 16/04/2023 16:36

Lots of things are used against people with disabilities you think the stigma around autism is bad try having bpd but there's a difference between something being used against you and someone having an opinion you don't agree with.

Show quote history

I know, but I’m talking about my experiences.

Like I said “we’re all on the spectrum” is a common tactic in school to deny support, because “we all have these issues, you need to try harder”

If that’s not your experience, fantastic.
It is, however, mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:40

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 16/04/2023 16:36

@CaloriesShmalories I feel your pain, we currently have no spoons. Too many spoons are dirty in his bedroom and he's away for the weekend. But I cannot go into his room, for that is a big problem for him.

I think other mums, awesome and well meaning as they are, who have not had to deal with a meltdown can be a little naive in just how far we mums go to avoid them. We pick our battles because trying to fight them all leads to endless fighting and no progress on any front.

I understand.
We’ve been there - sometimes it’s easier to buy more spoons 💐

OP posts:
JoeBlogger · 16/04/2023 16:41

You do work but no-one is prepared to pay for the valuable contribution homemakers and carers make to society.

SensationalSusie · 16/04/2023 16:41

@CaloriesShmalories

You need to say to him “I am unable to work because I am a carer for you and your two siblings who have disabilities. I am also disabled myself and have additional caring responsibilities for your grandparents. You are living under my roof, and while you work part time, many of your living costs are being covered by me. I deserve respect for this for the many sacrifices I have made in order to parent and support you - one of those being a career. In order that you can continue to live in this house it is essential that you contribute more, if you are unable to clean up after yourself, you will have to pay for the cost of a cleaner now that you are a working man. If you are unable to do either of these things we will look into finding you alternate accommodation where you can be fully independent and take on full time work as you’re so keen on it”

I know it is way more complicated than this, but I wouldn’t accept the shit he is giving you. Have one asd child and am myself. It needs to be clearly spelt out to him why you are not working. And that he has to contribute more. Visual schedule, routine in fridge and incentivised reward if you can manage it, even a Sunday roast if he appreciates that kind of thing or petrol money, trainers, whatever you can think of.

If my son were so disrespectful and verging on adulthood I would look into getting him alternately housed. You cannot have a fully grown man treating you like this. I’m agreement with others that this is personality and not diagnosis.

eloquent · 16/04/2023 16:43

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 16/04/2023 16:31

No I said autism is a scale meaning people who are diagnosed are higher up that scale as it obviously significantly impacts their life as if you was at the bottom of the scale it wouldn't significantly impact your life to the point your probably unaware of it. I'm the 2nd person on this thread you have called ablist now because you don't agree with their opinion maybe you need to think about that

Show quote history

You are being ablist.

A person can have autistic traits. That doesn't mean everybody is on the spectrum.

The autistic spectrum is for autistics. Only autistic people are on it.

It is very ablist to claim 'everybody is a little autistic' and 'everybody is on the spectrum' because they are not. They are factually incorrect statements, and you are wrong.

*I am so sorry op about some of the replies on this thread. I have a PDA-er. I get it. Navigating life with a profound anxiety must be so difficult for them, yet people just expect them to be able to squeeze their square shaped peg into a round hole.

It's bloody amazing that your son is working, and that's testament to your ability to wonderfully parent him!

I wouldn't tell him outright, I don't think it would be received well, and may well be perceived as a demand.

I like commenters ideas of remarking that you do work, doing xyz' in the home.*

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 16/04/2023 16:46

eloquent · 16/04/2023 16:43

You are being ablist.

A person can have autistic traits. That doesn't mean everybody is on the spectrum.

The autistic spectrum is for autistics. Only autistic people are on it.

It is very ablist to claim 'everybody is a little autistic' and 'everybody is on the spectrum' because they are not. They are factually incorrect statements, and you are wrong.

*I am so sorry op about some of the replies on this thread. I have a PDA-er. I get it. Navigating life with a profound anxiety must be so difficult for them, yet people just expect them to be able to squeeze their square shaped peg into a round hole.

It's bloody amazing that your son is working, and that's testament to your ability to wonderfully parent him!

I wouldn't tell him outright, I don't think it would be received well, and may well be perceived as a demand.

I like commenters ideas of remarking that you do work, doing xyz' in the home.*

Show quote history

I was literally talking about a harvard study I read which I agree with. However my opinion may be different to others as I have bpd which is most likely undiagnosed autism

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:47

@eloquent Thank you! 💐

OP posts:
Biilie82 · 16/04/2023 16:52

ASimpleLampoon · 16/04/2023 14:27

Agreed. He needs a good male role model who respects women although they are like hens teeth

Show quote history

yes! Get shacked up with a male asap and all your problems will disappear!

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 16:54

😂😂😂

OP posts:
Fansandblankets · 16/04/2023 16:55

pickledandpuzzled · 16/04/2023 14:01

"I do work. I am a full time carer for 3 DC with significant additional needs, including home schooling, and I also have additional responsibilities assisting elderly relatives. The additional cost of employing the several people needed to take on my home responsibilities means I can't work outside the home. However I'd love to work outside the home, if you could take on any of the day to day work I do."

This!

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